 |
|
wStuff You Don't Wanna Know But Are Reading Anyway |
|
|
 |
I dunno how you found this, but alas, here you are. So enjoy the frightening fruits of my troubled little brain.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
wMonday, June 26, 2006 |
|
|
|
feeling: ulcerated
listening to: Josie and Caroline's "beached whale" duet
[edited a bit, hopefully things will make more sense now]
I guess it's safe to say I'll be posting here again. Can't predict how much to start with, but I guess I've had my fun. So to speak. Don't try to make sense of that, cause I'm not bothering to...
Still having the same issues mentioned last time. Namely every time I think I'm doing fine something else comes along and I break down again. At least I can take this as proof that it's not just my own stubbornness keeping me either depressed or ticked off at the world most of the time (yeah, sometimes even I need proof of that for myself). Similarly, no matter how I fight the urge to just not bother getting out of bed every day, and how much I actually try to keep life steady or even favorable, it never seems to work. Might not seem like I'm trying too hard, but compared to the temptation I constantly have to just lie motionless under the covers in the dark all day, I really am. Tables have finally turned, I guess - now I'm the one doing the trying while the world just watches with an amused smirk until something more amusing comes along. My turn to see how everyone who ever called me a friend before must have felt when I got all complacent and didn't do anything to keep them around but expected them to maintain the friendship. All the ones who ended up leaving as a result of it, I mean. I gotta learn to explain things better. This probably still doesn't make sense anywhere but in my head...
Anyway, in better news... started watching a new anime (to me), Flame of Recca, this past weekend with Kitty. Pretty entertaining so far. Reminds me ever so slightly of YuYu Hakusho, somehow. Probably just because it's an action anime with similar-ish amounts and styles of fighting and humor. A lot of similar story elements too, as it turned out. Like the whole thing with the group fighting their way to the top of a four-level tower/building fighting a different enemy on each new level, the main character going off to train before taking on the enemy, the big tournament that the group has to enter to reach and defeat said enemy... and most amusingly, the wall trap thing where the whole group gets trapped under an automated wall that's about to crush them. That part was amusing in YuYu because apparently the trap was set to only let one member of the group survive and the rest had to be crushed... and just as they were arguing over who should be the one to escape and live, the episode ended. Then the trailer for the next episode comes on and you hear Yuusuke's voice saying, I sort-of quote: "Well, somehow, someway, we all make it out alive..." >> Gotta love action anime. You know the good guys are going to live... you just don't know how.
I miss YuYu Hakusho... it was amusing...
Anyway, that's pretty much all I can think of for now.
comment! (4)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 6/26/2006 08:30:00 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
wSunday, June 04, 2006 |
|
|
|
feeling: worthless
listening to: nothing
Prepare for a rant. Nothing to take personally, I just need to kick myself for a while.
Why is it that every single time I'm ready to suck it in and become a decent friend and functional member of society again, SOMEthing always happens to kick me back to the ground? This week was going to be it. Again. I was ready, I was determined, I was healing. Then suddenly I just wanted to be nonexistent again.
I'm tired of being like this. Contrary to popular belief, I do NOT like being depressed. I have fought and fought, over and over, but every single time I try something different comes along and I screw it all up again. And every time it happens I come out of it hating myself more. I'm not blaming anyone, by the way; just getting around to explaining why this is all my own fault. Roundabout, yes, but I will get there.
I don't get this way because I want or need something I'm not getting. I have my desires, yes, but they're not top priority to me. They never were. The reason I get this way is because I want to be needed. If something is making my friends feel happy, or upset, or anything... and if they want to talk about it, I want to hear about it. And when people I love feel like they have to tiptoe around me and can't talk to me about anything, that tells me I'm failing as a friend. Which I suppose is true anyway, but still, more often than not a listening ear is all I have to offer. If I can't give that, what worth do I have? That's all it is. It's really not because I feel possessive or jealous. It's only because I want to be worth something.
Over the past few days I let a bunch of little things get to me more than they should have. Not even anything big or relating to anyone else, but just annoyances in my own daily routine. In any other circumstance I would have gotten over them and moved on in just a couple days, but instead more important issues just coincidentally resurfaced at the same time, and while I was still annoyed and closed myself off from the world it gave the impression that those bigger issues were bothering me. When in reality I was just still too frustrated with the little mundane things to keep my priorities straight, and thus begins this vicious cycle where my failure to open up leads people to think they can't open up to me, which makes me feel even more worthless and on and on and on.
So the result of all this is me feeling like nothing more than an obligation. Hiding from the world again because I don't want anyone worrying about me or feeling guilty on my behalf. I appreciate more than anything that I'm allowed to stay around because my friends know I need them, but I don't want to be just an obligation. I want to offer something in return. If I can't even do that, then isn't the world really better off without me?
None of this is anything new, by the way. It's the same cycle I go through with everyone I ever grow close to and call a friend. Just resurfacing again because today was another one of those days where I felt like I wasn't doing the world any good and wanted to just cease to exist for a while. Probably because it's Sunday and I'm sleep deprived. But in between typing these last two paragraphs I managed to talk some of it out with one of the loved ones I knew it was affecting, so now as soon as I've had time to pick myself up again I can try yet again to move on and get better. Who knows, maybe after a few dozen more repetitions it'll finally start to work.
It might help if I'd stop getting songs stuck in my head that only serve to perpetuate loneliness.
comment! (1)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 6/04/2006 10:27:00 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|