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wStuff You Don't Wanna Know But Are Reading Anyway |
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I dunno how you found this, but alas, here you are. So enjoy the frightening fruits of my troubled little brain.
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wSunday, December 16, 2012 |
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feeling: *shrug*
listening to: nothing
Another random meme that was floating around, while I decide whether I should watch Xena or Winter Sonata while I wait for my Sunday night project to roll in... and there were too many "while"s in that sentence... anyway
01: tell me the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now?
I have no time for all that romantic drama :P ...but if there were someone, it would be because they were incredibly nice to me for no reason other than to be nice, and actually made me feel important. IF there were someone. ¬_¬
02: what on your body is hurting or bothering you?
Actually, right this very moment... nothing in particular. It's a miracle!
03: what was your last thought before going to bed last night?
Thoughts of Akumu-chan and how freaking attached I've grown to it and how the last couple of episodes have actually been almost irritatingly moving and happy-making. >_>...
04: what are you listening to?
Nothing, but one of the songs from the kids' Christmas play that I just came from is still stuck in my head...
05: what’s something you’re not looking forward to?
Next Sunday, kids' handbell performance. They're nowhere near ready. u_u
06: where do you think your best friend is right now?
That's a good question...
07: have you kissed anybody in the last five days?
With all the sickness going around here, I'm not even touching any other humans if I can possibly avoid it...
08: favorite song?
Lately I've been looping Helios by Matenrou Opera a lot. Still an incredible song. ❤
09: kiss on the first date?
Eh... depends on the person and the circumstances...
10: is there one person you want to be with right now?
Right now? Nah, I'm in my downtime stage of the evening :p
11: are you seriously happy with where you are in life?
Psh, no. Is anyone really? They're either kidding themselves or too scared to dream a little bigger.
12: is there something you would like to say to someone?
Nah, I'd rather everyone just know everything without me having to speak.
13: what are three things you did today?
Went to church, finished a script early for work, and sang in a Christmas cantata.
14: would you rather sleep at a friend’s or have them over?
Probably sleep over. I'm not a good host...
15: what is your favorite kind of gum?
I dunno, I'm not a big gum person... Juicy Fruit is good?
16: are you friends with any of your ex boyfriends/ girlfriends?
Hard to say... I think you have to technically have an ex for that, right?
17: what is on your wrists right now?
The usual... skin, a little hair...
18: ever liked someone you thought you didn’t stand a chance with?
Pff, only every person I've ever liked in my life.
19: does anyone have strong feelings for you?
Not that I know of.
20: are you slowly drifting away from someone?
I've been drifting away from the human race in general for the past year...
21: have you ever wasted your time on someone?
I never would have called it a waste at the time, but yeah, probably... a lot.
22: can you do the alphabet in sign language?
I remember I and J... sort of >_>
23: how have you felt today?
Mostly sleepy, then a little achy after a nap, then hot, and now the sleepy is coming back.
24: you receive £60 without any reason, what do you spend it on?
Nothing, I'd take that nonsense to the bank and exchange it for some 'MURRICAN DOLLAS YO!
25: what is wrong with you right now?
Uh... my finger is bleeding because I tore off a hangnail?
26: is there anyone you’re really disappointed in?
No one immediately comes to mind...
27: would you rather have starbucks or jamba juice right now?
Neither, I've never been to one and was never big on the other in the first place.
28: why aren’t you in ‘love’ with your last ex anymore?
Again, I think you have to actually have an "ex" for that to work...
29: how late did you stay up last night and why?
Until 4:30am or so, because I got infatuated with the script I was working on and wasn't getting tired...
30: when was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?
As in verbally, using actual mouths and vocal cords and all that mumbo jumbo? I dunno... months...
31: what were you doing an hour ago?
Eating maple nut goodies and checking my email, probably... it was right after I got home.
32: what are you looking forward to in the next month?
...This month ending? December always wants to kill me -_-
33: are you wearing jeans right now?
Nope, candy cane striped PJ pants~
34: are you a patient person?
Extremely, I think...
35: do you think you can last in a relationship for three months?
If I actually went to the trouble of getting into a relationship, it would mean I changed my mind and actually wanted one... so yeah, I'd be determined to keep it alive once I started it, I guess.
36: favorite color?
lol, no matter how creative and unique any meme is, this question still works its way in every time. Yes, it's still blue. :P
37: did you have a dream last night?
I distinctly remember waking up a couple times and blaming all the Akumu-chan thoughts in my head for a weird series of nightmares, but I don't remember any of them now...
38: are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?
...So much for that unique aspect, lol. See #33
39: if someone could be cuddling you right now, who would you want it to be?
Ginger.
40: do you love anyone who is not related to you?
Sure.
41: if someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
I believe I would, yes... whether I'd believe them may be another story, but...
42: do you like meeting new people?
Not really. I'm too awkward.
43: are you afraid of falling in love?
I don't think anyone's afraid of falling in love; it's rejection people fear. That said, nah... fear and apathy aren't quite the same thing.
44: ever self-harmed or starved yourself?
Not on purpose.
45: has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
Yes, actually... still think my eyes are the one part of my face that came out looking kind of okay.
46: have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough?
lol... ザ 劣等感。
comment! (0)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 12/16/2012 10:20:00 PM
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wFriday, October 26, 2012 |
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feeling: ...
listening to: Oshiri Kajiri Mushi :\
So another random pointless update...
Uh, I've been watching J-dramas again lately. Yay~
It had probably been nearly two years since I'd watched any titles at all, but then at some point... probably shortly after that post I made a few entries back with the list of shows I had seen but not reviewed here? whenever that was... so yeah, after that I rewatched a few of the series in my collection, but then kind of slacked off again. My CR workload was actually ridiculous throughout the summer, so for the most part I just couldn't find the time. I was apparently the highest paid subber in the company's history as of August, with all the new projects they kept handing me and all the substitutions I was called to do. See, having no life pays off sometimes :p
But then, as the summer broadcast season wrapped up, things FINALLY slowed down a little bit as some of my busiest and longest-running shows ended... and when I finally found the time to think about it, I realized my wrists were absolutely killing me. All the variety show fansubbing I did for those 3 or 4 years, and I had never experienced that much pain. I couldn't even hold a pencil long enough to get any decent kanji writing practice in, something else I've tried to do as frequently as possible.
So I finally decided that it would probably be wise to start using my extra time away from the keyboard as much as possible... and marathoning on J-dramas was the route I chose. It helped that my bike finally crapped out right around the same time... already I hadn't been riding nearly as much this year as I did the last couple years, but when things started breaking and bending and flying loose pretty much every time I tried to ride it, I just gave up... which gave me back another couple of free hours most days. >_>
Thus, after a long dry spell, I have finally been able to add some J-drama viewing to my schedule again. My wrists have felt much better since, at least. Now if I can get back into my other favorite study routines - kanji study and reading several people's Ameba blogs every day - maybe I can finally stop feeling like my last 10 years of study are going to waste as my brain rots away. :\ I really miss reading everyone's Ameba blogs (and writing my own)... but after being too busy to keep up for so long, it feels like I could never catch up or even get used to following everyone again... plus Ameba made following people a pain in the neck since they changed the whole system so you have to "friend" someone's blog AND subscribe to them, two separate steps, just to have all their posts show up in your MyPage feed. It's absolutely stupid, EVERYBODY complained and raged and hated on it, but of course stupid Ameba didn't listen and forced the new system on everyone regardless.
...I don't know what I expected to accomplish by ranting about that here lol, but that's me these days... attention span has eroded down to next to nothing.
Speaking of dramas, though, I once mentioned here that I sorta felt like I'd hit the big time when I started subbing a drama starring Kuriyama Chiaki, right? Well, since then I have also subbed one starring Yamada Yu... and now I'm doing one starring Kitagawa Keiko and co-starring Gackt. GACKT! :P He's kind of ridiculous in it though, lol. When his first scene started in the first episode, I'm pretty sure I literally facepalmed. >> His role did eventually get more serious, but... I still can't get over his horrible perm in this series *killed*
In other news, I think I have FINALLY gotten over the cold from hell. It wasn't really that bad as colds go, but it lasted fooooreeeevvvvveeeerrrrr. Like, it was mostly in my throat for a week, then feverish for a day or two, then it spent almost two weeks ravaging my sinuses. Last night was the first night since it started that I successfully slept longer than an hour at a time without the aid of decongestants.
And in other other news, I'm going to Katsucon with The Sound Bee HD in February. Yay for my Bee family ❤
comment! (0)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 10/26/2012 01:46:00 AM
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wSunday, August 26, 2012 |
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feeling: meh
listening to: Hiiragi - Saikin (Moyashimon Returns ending theme)
...and frick, this song is way too fun. I want. T_T
Anyway. Haven't done any of these in ages, so here's a random set of questions yoinked from a certain someone's Tumblr that I still stalk regularly >o> just because they're relatively unique and stuff...
1: What do you put on hotdogs?
Just ketchup and mustard. Unless chili cheese dogs are an option. *glut*
2: Do you say "anticlimatic" or "anticlimactic"?
Anticlimactic. The root is climax, people, not climate. :P
3: Do you check flyers before grocery shopping?
Nah, too lazy.
4: Blue, black, or some other colour pen ink?
Black preferred.
5: Do you use your parking brake?
Nope.
6: Look to your left. How many framed pictures are on the wall?
None. Only thing on any of my walls is a calendar, and it's on my right. Well, and a little mirror with a tiger on it, which is also on my right. But... it's framed?
7: Do you know how to play chess?
I know the basics, but I wouldn't win any tournaments...
8: How often do you clean the interior of your car?
Um, I think only once since I got it 4 or 5 years ago... and that was to clean out the grain bits and stuff that spilled in it when I went to that drive-thru Safari Park with the family...
9: Do you ever read the last few pages first?
No, I hate spoilers x(
10: Ever fallen in the shower?
Not to my recollection.
11: On a scale of 1-10, how likely are you to swear at other drivers?
1. I'm a prude, I very rarely swear in general. :P
12: What's the worst thing you've ever called someone you care about?
Hm... psycho, maybe? But by the time it got to that point I'm not sure you could say I really cared about them anymore, so eh...
13: Do you have a Snuggie?
No thank you...
14: Are you allergic to anything?
Not to my knowledge.
15: Do you have any TV shows on DVD?
Yes! Xena: Warrior Princess, all 6 season box sets ❤ Plus some Peanuts collections, and uh, some anime also lol.
16: How many times do you hit the snooze button before finally getting out of bed?
Never used the snooze button. I just sleep through the noise for anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour, then by the time I look at the clock my brain is in oh-crap-late-hurry-up mode and rushing to my feet is no problem. e_e
17: Ever driven away in anger?
Not so much anger as hurt, I think. Looooong time ago, though.
18: What's your favourite freezie colour?
Blue everything is the best :D
19: Are you a vegetarian?
Pff, nope. Not a huge fan of meat, really, but only because I'm too lazy to cut the bone and fat away when such measures are required.
20: Do you have a garbage receptacle beside you? What's on top?
Not beside me, it's across the room... and I just emptied it the other day so there's only a few tissues, some snack wrappers, and a couple of used tea bags in there at the moment.
21: Do you cross out your mistakes or erase/whiteout them?
Erase! To this day, I hate pens and would use pencil for everything under the sun if grown-up society weren't so affixed on inking everything >_>
22: Ever torn something up that you instantly knew was too important for such treatment?
No, I'm not decisive enough to tear up anything that matters...
23: Do you think that things will get better?
Not really.
24: Do you have an unpopular opinion? What is it?
More of them than I could list here...
25: What's your favourite quote?
Again, more than I could list >.>
26: Did you/are you going to go to prom?
I did, both junior and senior years.
27: What's the most physically painful thing you've ever experienced?
Hmm... I guess my first real ulcer attack?
28: What's the most emotionally/mentally painful thing you've ever experienced?
...I had a really long, elaborate, personal, serious answer typed out here, but then I thought meh, bad idea... so um, hmm... how about when my own mother compared me to Sarah Palin? DDDDD:
29: Have you ever legitimately saved a person's life?
Nah, I'm no hero ~_~
30: What's your favourite book genre?
I don't really read books ;_; I love the idea of them, I just don't have the attention spa- lol, I originally typed "attention soap" somehow... Also, I think I just proved my point...
31: Did you like "Gigli"? Be honest.
Never watched it.
32: Have you ever walked out of a movie at the theatre?
Nah, once I start to watch something, even if it sucks, I have to see how it ends. >_>
33: Do you peek between your fingers during the scary scenes?
"Scary" scenes don't really scare me lol. I just get grossed out by heavy-duty gore and such. But even then I just discreetly direct my eyes to a point above the screen. :P
34: What was your reaction to Tatum getting killed whilst stuck in the pet door in Scream?
I didn't see Scream, but this already sounds like the kind of scene that would horrify and depress me terribly ;_____;
35: Do dogs like you?
Actually, yeah, they usually seem to...
36: Would you say that you project an air of authority?
*SNORT*
37: Do people listen when you speak?
They have to, or they wouldn't hear a word I said. Tiny weak lame voice.
38: How are your elbows? Are they okay?
They're dry and bumpy and sad, particularly the left one :\
39: What is one thing that you do exceptionally well? Be honest.
Nothing comes to mind...
40: Do you use torrents?
Haven't in a long, long time. Would rather never have to again.
41: When was the last time you paid for music?
This past April when I was in Japan. Sad when it's cheaper to fly over there and buy it straight from stores and livehouses than to order it online. -_-
42: Are you addicted to technology?
Contrary to popular belief, no. I spend the majority of my life on the computer, yes, but I'm not one of those people who has to be surrounded by the latest, strongest, fastest, and most expensive of everything from computers to smartphones to music players to game consoles and everything else.
43: Pick a person (you don't need to give their name). How do you feel about them? Be as honest as you can get yourself to be.
Ok... person whom I haven't known for very long and nobody reading this knows nor would ever guess in a million years, I CHOOSE YOU (and no, I don't mean You the bassist lol, everyone knows I adore her to pieces ❤). So um... this person... is someone I think of as just awesome in all kinds of ways and is actually on my mind a lot more than I am willing to admit, and it's sort of embarrassing how often I find myself waiting to hear from them again. And they can expect a big hug from me the next time I see them :B (...aw man, I think I just wasted an ideal opportunity to secretly talk trash about someone, didn't I? oh well lol, if anyone sucks that much, they're not worth my typing time~)
44: Do you check your computer's dictionary for the definition of words you'd otherwise feel confident about using during in-person interactions? Just to be sure?
Nah, this "in-person interaction" thing you speak of doesn't come up frequently enough for me to warrant any need for such things...
45: How heavily to you rely on spellcheck and autocorrect?
I pretty much never use spellcheck since it 1) doesn't catch proper names or non-English words and 2) misses the majority of typos that just turn the word you intended into another word, like "they" instead of "then," etc. And I don't even have a phone with autocorrect. The only spellcheck I get any use from at all is browser spellcheck, such the text box in which I am typing this blog (which, ironically enough, marks "spellcheck" as a misspell :P ah, technology).
46: Have you ever gotten into an argument on the internet? Did you win?
Yes, and no. There are no winners in internet arguments. Only losers. e_e
47: Do you pause movies/TV shows if you have to go to the bathroom or the kitchen, or do you just let them keep playing?
If it's a DVD or video, you better believe I pause. I'd pause my TV too if I had one of those fancy schmancy modern systems that allow people to achieve such sorcery.
48: If you use a regular alarm clock, do you have it set to music or that obnoxious beeping?
Has to be music. That obnoxious beeping is the stuff of nightmares. =_= ...Also, that's what you call a "regular" alarm clock? Not the kind with little bells that ring like crazy? I thought the kind with music and obnoxious beeping was a clock radio alarm... and ok I'm done being a nitpicky geek now lol.
49: Peter Pan?
There was this old cheesy live-action dance/musical version that my family had taped from TV when I was a kid, and I watched that thing aaaaaall the time... I grew up with it rather than the Disney animated version, in fact...
50: How often do you fall up the stairs?
Surprisingly rarely. :P
51: Do you pronounce "anti" as ant-eye or ant-ee? (Example: "That scene was very anticlimactic.")
Depends on the word it's attached to, but I suppose ant-eye is probably more common...
52: Do you pronounce "via" as vee-uh or vie-uh? (Example: "We can get there via Tremont Street.")
Vie-uh.
53: How often do you forget to close your parentheses?
Not really sure, but not often, I'd guess (this includes brackets and stuff too, I do occasionally get errors when posting blog/journal entries with a tag I failed to close, but not very often).
Oh, also, there have been updates in the story I babbled about in my previous post here. It's been a couple weeks since it was really on my mind though, so there's not much of a "must rant it out" feeling now, but I might do so anyway. Next time. I'm up way later than I should be and I have to get up in 4 hours. -_-
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 8/26/2012 04:15:00 AM
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wMonday, June 18, 2012 |
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feeling: eh...
listening to: lix - Gekijou
Hm... kind of a sad/frustrating/disappointing story...
A little background first though. While I was in Japan in April, my brother got remarried again. His new wife brought her two daughters, ages 8 and 13, into the family (my nephew's 10). They had planned to get married in July or August or something, but well, stuff came up and they sort of had to push the date forward.
Anyway, as I've mentioned on this blog in the past, my brother has a cat, Spotty, who's maybe 6 years old or so now. She's... not a social cat at all, even though she spent the first half of her life entirely indoors and was only allowed to start going outside after bro had her spayed just a year or two ago. Actually, she's normally okay, even if not friendly at all... but after living all her life with bro's very noisy son who can't travel from one room to the next without sounding like a herd of elephants and would rather scream than talk and thinks it's funny to chase cats around and intentionally make loud noises near them (such as toy whistles and real drums and trumpets) just to see them freak out, Spotty grew up with absolutely zero trust in humans. The only person she'll even allow in her personal space is my brother, but even he can't really hold her or handle her like your typical cuddly kitty or anything.
Well, then his new wife and her two girls moved in, and they decided they didn't like Spotty because all she ever did was growl and hiss at them from the highest vantage point she could climb to in the house. Never mind that the kids think it's hilarious to grab at her and chase her and throw things at her just to make her growl, until they get bored and the laughter turns to complaining that she's mean and they hate her.
So today I heard the news that they got themselves a new kitten, in hopes of having a family cat that would better fit their ideal of a cuddle-kitty. And Spotty, it seems, has been forced to live outdoors for the rest of her life so she won't torment the new addition.
To be honest, I'm not too fond of Spotty myself, and I'm one of the biggest cat people you'll find anywhere. After we had to keep her here for a couple weeks and all the constant fighting and stress she caused my own baby, Ginger... not to mention the slashes and scars she left all over me while she was here... I kind of got fed up with her. But it still makes me upset that they would throw her out and replace her like that, when her personality really isn't her fault. If people just let her be, she's fine. It's not like she goes around attacking everyone; she just reacts when she's being tormented or cornered, but otherwise she just tries to keep to herself and stay away from little kids who think it's funny to terrify her. I almost wanted to offer to let her live here, as I know she'd do fine in a quiet, peaceful environment with no children (or other cats, now that Ginger's gone)... but no. Even if my parents do decide they want a pet again someday, I intend to keep them from ever getting any more as long as I live. Not after the way they acted when Ginger was sick and died.
I don't want to get into that here, though. It still makes me furious and depressed all over again to remember it. I suppose I still haven't entirely forgiven them, and possibly never will.
Anyway... yeah, despite my own feelings about Spotty, I feel bad for her. No cat deserves to be completely thrown out of her home and replaced like that, as if she's an old toy or something that needs to be replaced by the latest model. I'll be amazed if the new kitten doesn't turn out exactly like Spotty, considering the chaos it'll be forced to grow up in... and if it turns antisocial too, I suppose they'll throw it out to compete for outdoor survival with Spotty (if she's not roadkill or coyote food by then) and bring in #3.
So yeah. Meh. I miss having a cat... wonder if I'll ever have another one...
comment! (1)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 6/18/2012 11:15:00 PM
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wWednesday, May 09, 2012 |
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feeling: many things, mostly tired and headachy
listening to: that BGM from Ice Age in my head...
Well, 19 days in Japan have come and gone. On one hand I didn't get to see everyone I'd hoped to see or do everything I'd hoped to do, but at the same time, it exceeded my expectations. There were rough patches as with every long trip, but in the end, it was absolutely amazing.
Honestly, from the day I arrived in Tokyo, I sort of felt like a celebrity. :P That evening when I first got to an internet connection I already had emails and Nau messages from two people saying something to the effect of "You're in Japan?!" and asking when I'd be free to meet up... that same night You (of The Sound Bee HD, who generously allowed - invited, even - us to stay with her) told me she'd seen a guy from a band we've been in contact with online but never met before, and when she told him her friend from America was coming to stay with her he actually guessed it was me and started thinking of a way we could all get together some evening... and by our second day the word had spread to the Kansai area where three of our old band buddies amused us with a semi-conversation on Nau that went something like "Becky's in Japan?!" "What?! Our US staffer Becky is in Japan?!" "What? Seriously?!" "Hey, is Becky really in Japan??" I've never felt so popular... :P
But it made me realize that these bands we've worked with over the past 8 or so years really do appreciate every one of us and remember us and are always eager to meet up again even in non-business settings, and how lucky I am to know so many great people over there. We were thoroughly taken care of all the time... not only by old friends, but also by lots of new connections we were introduced to along the way. The Sound Bee HD is obvious... we stayed at You's place after all (and she made no secret of that lol... I think we appeared in her Ameba blog nearly every day for like 3 weeks), and the other members of her band came out to see us and take us places when they could. Daisuke came to Asakusa with us and gave us a few lifts in his beloved car, Hiro came by You's place to visit once and also took us shopping at Don Quixote (:P), all three of the above took us out for a farewell dinner before we returned home... Tak wasn't able to come out much since he's very likely the busiest guitarist in Japan x_x, but we saw him at three different livehouses with three different bands and he took good care of us at each one. You also introduced us to her friend and fellow bassist Lavie and the chief editor of Risknote, Tokita-san... both of whom came out to various livehouses to see us throughout our trip and also came to see us off on our last day. Tokita-san also coordinated and guided our Asakusa outing, gave us tons of tips and sightseeing ideas, and totally rescued us the night we went to Yokohama and were freaking out over getting back to Tokyo before the trains stopped running.
And then came our five days in Osaka... which were just incredible. The very first evening after arriving there we hopped to Kyoto to see Mst's new band, and he was so visibly thrilled to see us, it was adorable ^^; We could've chatted with him all evening if we hadn't had to catch a late train back to Osaka... but luckily we got to see his band again the next night, within walking distance of our hotel - and one of our longest band friends, Yuu, dropped by after the show just to see us. We also met the rest of Mst's band that evening, including their female support drummer Yato who was a total sweetheart... and after the livehouse cleared out and everyone else left, Yuu and Yato took us out for okonomiyaki. :3
The next day was even more incredible. While at the livehouse Mst kept saying it would be awesome if everyone could get together for dinner or something while we were in Osaka, so he told me to contact Miwa, a label staffer who's helped out several of the bands I've worked with since 2005, and ask her to get in touch with everyone. So even though it was totally last minute, Miwa set up a little welcome party for us the very next day... sadly Mst couldn't make it due to work (even though it was his idea, aww), but Miwa did manage to bring along Yuu (again), Sho the former LIX./lix drummer, Hiroshi of Suicide Ali, and even Kaede, the original bassist of BLOOD whom I haven't had any kind of contact with in about five years (he's the only one who never picked up on mixi or Ameba or any of the other social networks these people all use). They even arranged to have a "welcome" cake brought out for us at the end of the meal. ;_; It was such an awesome night of great food and friends and drinks and catching up and just *weeps*
Of course we also went to see lix before heading back to Tokyo, so another evening with Yuu lol - plus Hiroshi, Sho, and Yato all came to the livehouse to see us again before we left. ^^ And thus ended our stay in Osaka... the only person there we'd hoped to meet but couldn't was Fu-ki, BLOOD's former vocalist. He had planned to come to our welcome party but couldn't get out of work, and we had planned to go see him at his bar but we never managed to figure out the way and our only available time was after the lix live, which ran almost into the 11pm hour so there's no way we could've made it there and back before trains stopped running. :\ Oh well, next time...
We didn't get to see the other three Suicide Ali guys in Osaka, but the day after we returned to Tokyo we hopped next door to Yokohama to see them perform, so we finally got our reunion and a bit of catch-up time with them as well. ^^ It wasn't as much as we had hoped for, since once again we had to rush afterward to catch a train back to You's, but after not seeing them for two years even that brief time of chatting and reminiscing was very welcome.
As for other random old friends we got to see again... of course we saw Kiwamu a couple times and were able to have some productive business discussions with him, as well as see the new formation of BLOOD. Also, before we went to Osaka we were able to meet Haruka of Plunklock (the guy who had guessed that I was the one staying with You and was eager to meet up sometime) for dinner and lots of chatting and good times... sadly we missed him when we went to his band's live on our last night in Japan, but we did get to meet the vocalist a bit, and he was also a great guy. I really hope we get the opportunity to work with this band in the US sometime, as they have tons of talent and are extremely nice (and adorable to boot - US fans would LOVE them). Anyway, finally, the former bassist of Luzmelt took a day off work to take us to Odaiba for a day, and that evening he called Yuhma, Luzmelt's leader/vocalist (and another one I met on BLOOD's tour in Mexico in 2005 along with Yuu) to join us for dinner.
And that only touches on the people who took care of us during our stay there, to say nothing of most of the new band members we met, the TONS of live gigs we saw, the places we went, the tourist-y things we did... :P;; This was my primary objective for going to Japan, though - to finally meet up again with old friends I haven't seen in anywhere from one and a half to five years. I always wondered if it was weird to think of them all as friends even though I had only ever met them on the rare occasions when they came to perform in the US... but finally getting to visit them on their home turf proved that they think of us as friends too. I was expecting no more than just to see most of them in concert and maybe get to chat for a couple minutes when they came out to sell merch after their respective shows, but the warm and even excited welcome we got from all of them completely blew me away. I know the most awesome people - and I would punctuate that by saying I don't mean to brag, but you know, that's something I really don't mind bragging about. ♥
...The flipside is that this made it much harder to come back home after our trip ended. u_u It's kind of sad that I have more friends and business contacts and opportunities and general awesomeness in Japan than I do over here, heh. Honestly, I'm convinced that country is good for me. *kicked* I was happier and healthier over there, inside and out. After just a few days, even my chronically dry and damaged and dead skin and hair were more healthy and shiny than they've ever been (and it wasn't the shampoo because I used the same brand there that I do here >>). I was also losing weight despite all the delicious food I got to eat every day, I was able to fall asleep at night without the hours of insomniac struggling I've normally dealt with all my life, I was surrounded by people who cared about me and even kept saying I should just move there for good... and in the week since I got home it's just been back to the old routine of nothing but staring at the computer doing work, eating the same five boring meals day in and day out, days of headaches and nights of insomnia... I'm sitting here typing this freaking novel of a post now because I went to bed at midnight, absolutely exhausted after several days of only 3-4 hours of sleep each, only to wake up like four hours later unable to get back to sleep. I'm never going to get my sleep schedule back on track... and to think before I went to Japan (and while I was there also) I was in a perfect routine of actually waking up in the morning and falling asleep at night...
I suppose this would be the depression and withdrawal that typically come after a really fun vacation. I don't feel emotionally depressed - with all the memories that keep replaying through my mind, it's impossible to feel depressed - but it's more physical, I guess. Can't sleep, head hurts, no energy or motivation... I'm just waiting for the day my ulcer decides to wake up and add to this hell again.
If it wouldn't make it so much harder to bring bands over to the US, I'd say I need to just find a job in Japan and get it over with. e_e
...*NOT a weeaboo*
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 5/09/2012 08:32:00 AM
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wThursday, March 29, 2012 |
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feeling: actually sort of awake and even productive
listening to: Matenrou Opera - Twilight Parade
Spring was always my least favorite season... but this year, I was actually kind of glad to see it come. It brings rain and stupid temperature fluctuations and muggy heat, naturally, but after the fall and winter of hell that I've had, even the smallest positive changes are making a welcome new season.
I've been through why these past few months sucked, so as for how things changed... I got my repaired computer back much earlier than expected (just a few days instead of the two weeks HP predicted), and it's been a gem so far. Work has been just as crazy, but also as enjoyable as it's ever been as I got to work on some pretty fun shows this season. I also finally got back into the kanji study habit, though since it's been 5+ months since I gave it the necessary attention, I had to review everything from the beginning and am currently back up to the 600th character or so (I was just short of 900 before I stopped). Since the weather warmed up unusually early, I broke out my bike and started riding again for the first time since early October. Still nowhere near the almost-everyday schedule I aim for, and am still hopelessly out of shape, but hopefully I'll manage to do something about that this year. I discovered that I can throw my bike in the trunk and take it to the bike trail that starts in the park in town, too, which is much more pleasant and safe and satisfying than riding around home here... hoping to do that more often from now on.
Been trying to allow some time to listen to music now and then too, which isn't as easy as it was before I got a job that requires video playback... little things like that... and slightly bigger things like flipping my sleep schedule around for the first time in years. Thanks to a few late work nights in the course of a few weeks, it had reached a point where I couldn't fall asleep until 7-8am on a daily basis... and I couldn't get in the habit of sleeping through the afternoon because of work, church, and family stuff. So finally I ended up exhausted and miserable enough to fall asleep at midnight one night, and I've actually succeeded at waking up in the morning ever since. Of course, work still tries to mess me up, and about three times in the past two weeks I've had to go to bed early, get up in the middle of the night to finish a script, and get back to bed right around dawn. But I'm going to try to keep this up. It's almost hard to believe how much better I've felt just being able to wake up naturally for a few mornings in a row, with no alarm clocks, and still get a full night of sleep.
Of course, I'm still light years behind on a lot of stuff, and probably always will be. Still behind on reading people's blogs on Ameba that I used to keep up with every day... have barely been following new music at all, including the activities of the bands and labels I claim to be staff for... haven't translated any lyrics in eons... still tons of dramas I want to watch... and heh, I've all but given up hope of getting my fansub community running again. I probably won't be doing any more fansubbing, but the place is full of dead links and there are still hundreds of new people banging down the doors waiting for their memberships to be approved... but I just can't bring myself to get to it when I think about how long it'll take. Looking at not just days, but probably weeks to get everyone approved... and several weeks more to fix the dead links, because there's not much point in letting in swarms of newbies only to have nothing available for them to download.
...Actually, I lied. I did start one new fansubbing project that I don't even know if I'll ever finish, but I just couldn't resist it any longer. It's one of those things that seriously called to me even before I ever watched the program, just seeing who the lead actors were and that nobody had fansubbed it yet... then after I watched it, it just poked at me more. That was, what, 3 or 4 years ago? I managed to push it down and even forget about it for a couple years, but something, I don't know what, reminded me of it again this past winter... and I just opened up the first episode and started translating. And darn it, this thing has probably been the funnest project I've ever undertaken. I really, really hope I'll be able to finish it and get it out there somehow, just because I'm loving it so much for some reason I can't even really identify. Maybe part of my fixation on this thing is knowing that, whether I finish it or not, it'll probably be my last fansub project... going out with a bang, and all that. But mostly it's just really freaking fun.
But anyway... that's all just the small stuff that has set 2012 moving in a much needed positive direction. After the hell that was fall/winter this past year, and seeing that the trends weren't likely to change if I just kept up my life as I have for the past few years, I needed something a lot bigger to mark my turning point. Every single year, probably ever since I graduated from college, I've kept saying "THIS is the year," but then it just... never was. But I finally decided that THIS really was going to be the year. So at the beginning of March, I finally booked my plane ticket to Japan.
My flight is less than two weeks away - April 11. I talked my dear friend and partner-in-crime Reiko into going with me, and in return she talked me into staying there until April 30. :P We'll be staying with one of the most awesome and generous ladies in the world while in Tokyo, though we're still looking for lodgings in the Kansai area... but we're going to make sure we get to see ALL the faces we've been missing for two or three years in some cases, at least once. Seeing the way things have been going for the past year or so, it finally hit me that I was likely to never see some of them again unless I went over there myself. So while we're at it, we're hoping to arrange some business meetings too, and maybe even take time to hang out and catch up with them if we're lucky... but at the very least we'll be seeing them in their element, on the live stage.
I'm confident that this trip is something I really need, for several reasons, and have for several years. And I have high hopes that it's going to finally turn things around for me, maybe not permanently, but at least it will be a starting point.
And, eh, I should probably get back to work... >_> Trying to get a little bit ahead where possible before I go to Japan, though I will have the laptop and hopefully a steady net connection there... but what's the point in spending 19 days in another country if you're just going to spend it all working? I mean, unless it's a clear-cut business trip or work transfer deal, but this it not, so... *cough* Anyway... yeah, I guess that's it for now. Wish me luck next month making this trip go the way I want it to...
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 3/29/2012 09:09:00 PM
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wFriday, February 10, 2012 |
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feeling: lazy yet restless yet bored yet impatient
listening to: B'z - Ichibu to Zenbu
Yeah... definitely getting the annual winter depression thing setting in. Not quite like the depression I was in toward the end of 2011, but the kind where I don't get out much because of the weather and sicknesses and stuff, and I just don't feel like doing anything... even the things I used to take the most pleasure in. Daily tinkering with certain flash game apps, reading people's blogs on Ameba, kanji study, even translating lyrics... just can't seem to bring myself to do any of it. Might be partially because I actually have a job now that satisfies the ol' urge to work with the Japanese language to some extent. But I blame it moreso on technology and the many fails thereof. e_e
I was really hoping 2012 would get off to a better start after the hell that was 2011... and then, just days into January, my computer died. For a week and a half I had to borrow my dad's old cheap laptop just to get my work done... then I bought a nice shiny new computer and all was happy and good... until it died too. After ONE WEEK. Turned out to be a memory issue, and it was under warranty, so I sent it back to get it fixed... and got an email just today informing me that I should be getting it back in about TWO WEEKS.
This laptop is killing me. Seriously. And I'll have been stuck on it for almost two months by the time this is over. -_______- And just watch, come summer the new computer will die again, but I'll be screwed because the warranty expires in April and it will have spent HALF OF THE WARRANTY PERIOD BEING REPAIRED.
bjsfjdfkjsdbdsnjsdghk
Anyway... other than that idiocy, this year was actually shaping up to be kind of promising. My fellow industry ladies and I managed to make positive contact with several cons across the US and even some pretty well-known bands in the V-kei scene, and have been seeing the beginnings of some plans slowly trickling into shape. Of course, it's all still at a stage where it could just as likely fall apart before anything even begins, but it's the most hope we've had since we started out last summer.
Also, randomly, I've been thinking about writing J-drama reviews again. The one good thing about this laptop is that, when I can't fall asleep at night, I can take it over to the bed along with some DVD from my drama collection and watch an ep or two until I drift off. So, yeah, I've been rewatching a few old series lately... no new ones in a while since I don't want to burden this puny laptop any more than work already forces me to (and risk it crashing too and leaving me with zilch)... but man, I've been missing J-dramas lately.
So just for my own reference, here are the titles I've seen that I never got around to reviewing here...
Long Vacation
Home & Away
Itoshi Kimi e
Ichi Ritoru no Namida
Gokusen 3
Last Friends
Room of King
Mendol
Bloody Monday
Akai Ito
My Girl
Buzzer Beat
The Quiz Show 2
Smile
Godhand Teru
Yankee-kun to Megane-chan
Sunao ni Narenakute
Bloody Monday 2
Himitsu Chouhouin Erika
...of course, some of them I barely remember anything about anymore, so it wouldn't do much good to review them anyway. There are a few gems in that list though, and some that I even wouldn't mind rewatching just to have some foundation to write a review on (also pure curiosity and frustration at not remembering what the heck happened in them)... but eh... we'll see.
Speaking of J-dramas, I was reminded the other day that a 2011 version of Hama Kimi was made last year, with all new actors doing pretty much the exact same story - broadcast by the same TV network, and even using some of the original soundtrack. Just from one glance at the promotional image, I can tell it's not worth watching, though. >> I did break down and check out episode 1, but... uh, no. Honestly, I don't know why that network felt the need to film a whole new version only four years after the last one was such a smash hit.
...But yes, it did inspire me to start rewatching the 2007 version. :\
Ok, I don't know why I'm still writing this when I have handbell sheet music to write...
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 2/10/2012 11:05:00 PM
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wFriday, December 23, 2011 |
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feeling: tired
listening to: Maou OST - sAtAnAchiA
I've gotten all infatuated with this soundtrack again...
Been trying to get into J-drama again recently, just because I miss it. Hadn't watched any in ages... then after I started at Crunchyroll I decided to catch up on old anime series that I'd meant to watch/finish for years and never got around to, and then work really took off and I didn't even have time to watch anything that I wasn't making subtitles for... so I finally watched a couple of older drama series recently and got myself all nostalgic, yay.
The job's been going well, by the way. Just about to finish my sixth month with CR, and every paycheck's been higher than the last. It'll probably start to level out now though, since the fall simulcast season is starting to transition into winter, and we had a lot of backlog to catch up on in December which probably won't be a common thing from now on. Plus, though I was hired as a fixer (the last person in the subbing line who fixes errors in scripts before they go to launch), as of October or so I was also assigned to a couple of series as both translator and fixer... and I get called upon almost invariably a few times per week to fill in on episodes for other series when the people assigned to them are unavailable. Also of interest is that they just started their first J-drama simulcast, and though the drama itself isn't all that glamorous (pretty cheesy and predictable half-hour show about a housewife who doubles as a secret agent), it stars Kuriyama Chiaki.
I sort of feel like I've hit the big time when I get to say that my work day consisted of subtitling a Kuriyama Chiaki drama for international simulcast. :3;; Really hoping we get to do some more J-dramas in the future...
Otherwise, life has sort of sucked. >> Within the few days after Ginger died, my ulcer started acting up again, probably the worst it has in years... which I pretty much knew would happen after the hell that was November. I could barely even stomach more than an average-sized meal on Thanksgiving. Tragic. :\ Meds calmed it down a lot, but it's still not entirely comfortable all the time, which sucks because that dosage isn't supposed to be needed more than every 4 months... and if I'm gonna start needing it more often than that, it probably means something's gotten worse in there and I need to actually do something about it. As it is, ever since I became uninsured, every time I get the least little stomachache I start to worry that it's finally something serious this time. -_-
Anyway... yeah, thanks to my stupid stomach keeping me up all night every night for a couple weeks, I have once again forgotten how to sleep. Worst ulcer spell I've had in years immediately followed by the worst insomnia spell I've had in years. I can spend all day exhausted and miserable and fighting just to keep my head up, but then when I finally crawl under the covers, even if it's like right after midnight, I lay there awake until 6 or 7 in the morning no matter what I do. Last night was actually the best night I've had in weeks... got to sleep by 5am, woke up to my alarm at noon, and nothing woke me up in those 7 hours. Of course, I'm still tired, though.
Overall, 2011 kind of all-around sucked. The only really good things that happened were meeting Mst and getting the CR job. The rest was constant stress and disappointment and failed plans and depression and sickness and just crap. Life has about one week left to make something really awesome happen and redeem this stupid year before I deem it the worst I've ever lived through. >>
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 12/23/2011 11:38:00 PM
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wThursday, November 17, 2011 |
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Ginger is gone. I stayed close to her as much as I could these past two weeks, and she breathed her last breath while I was in the shower. Yep... a feline to the very end.
Obviously (or maybe not... I keep forgetting the internet can't read my mind... yet), I chose not to put her through surgery. Everyone around me from random cat-owned internet strangers to family to professionals figured it was far too risky for a cat of 16, and especially in her weakened state after weeks of barely eating. Besides, I knew when the deadline day the vet had given us for her medications passed that there was no saving her. And rather than let her die under anesthesia or during a painful recovery in a vet office cage surrounded by cold metal and strange people and noisy animals, I wanted her to live out her days in her home, surrounded by her family. I like to think she appreciated it - right up until last night, every time I went to check on her and try to offer her water (which she stopped drinking two days ago), she always tried her hardest to look at me and purr.
She remained in the same spot unable to get up anymore since sometime this morning, couldn't lift her head to look at me anymore since sometime this afternoon, and she finally succumbed around 11pm. I was in the shower, but at least my parents were beside her... It kills me that there was nothing I could do for her, especially knowing that everything else about her was perfectly healthy and she could have easily lived a few more years... but ever since she reached the point where she'd vomit up everything she tried to eat, all I've wanted was for her to not suffer anymore. After all these long, horrible weeks spent watching her deteriorate, that, at least, is one small relief.
I suppose I'll continue to cry my eyes out for another day or two and then marathon on some Whose Line videos on Youtube or something until I can smile again and move on.
Rest in peace, my little booger. I'm sorry I couldn't do any more to help. Life will never be the same without you.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 11/17/2011 12:17:00 AM
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wFriday, November 04, 2011 |
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feeling: depressed
listening to: nothing
So once again I disappear from the majority of the internet for a few months... actually I think this is the longest I've gone without updating my blog or LJ since I first started them in 2001 and 2004, respectively. Thought maybe posting here might finally vent out some of the stress and angst that's been going on for a couple weeks and hit a record high (low?) point today.
Remember my cat Ginger? My closest and truest and fattest little buddy who has the same birthday as me and has stuck with me for 16 years?
Well, somewhere between the end of September and the beginning of October, I discovered that I could just slightly feel her spine when petting her. Anyone who's seen her or the pictures I've splattered all around the net should recall that she was always a fat cat. Heck, she was born fat. Biggest in her litter, the boss of her three siblings... and the only one to find a permanent home and survive more than a few years. Anyway, yeah, fat. Hence my slight concern when I felt her spine that day. But she didn't really look any different and nothing in her behavior had changed... except being a little more picky about her food, possibly... so I just chalked it all up to the fact that she'd just turned 16 and was starting to slow down a bit as 80-something-in-human-years cats do.
But then over the next couple weeks, she ate less and less of her beloved senior citizen formula kibble, and when she did it looked like she was having trouble crunching it small enough to swallow, and would get frustrated and turn her back on it. Finally, just a couple weeks ago, she practically gave up altogether and was down to eating just a few bites a day. Consequently she grew weaker and stopped following everyone around whining for food and attention, and even stopped coming upstairs to my room, which was always her favorite hangout (and among her favorite activities was climbing all over me and licking my face to wake me up every morning). I thought maybe her teeth were just worn out with her age, and thought to try switching her to a canned food... of which she wolfed down half a can on the first offering and came back looking for more, which led me to believe this might turn her around. That was just Wednesday of last week.
Well, the next day, throughout the entire day, she didn't even finish half of what was left in that can... and from then on she ate less and less by the day. Out of the two cans we started with last Wednesday, as of this point 8 days later, Thursday night, she hasn't even finished the second can... and a lot of what we've offered her just dried up and went to waste. Seemed she wasn't really eating it; she was just licking the wet runny parts out of it, and leaving the drier chunky bits behind. So much for that.
By the end of the week she was literally skin and bones, and was so weak she couldn't walk straight and could barely even stand without wobbling, so I caved in and brought up the dreaded V-word. The rest of the family thought this was ridiculous and insisted that she was just old and losing her appetite... but I knew it was all just too sudden and too drastic to be simple aging, when she's always been the picture of good health (fat, but good) up to just a matter of weeks ago.
However, by then it was Friday and too late to call any vet offices... and of course, like every weekend, my nephew was here from Friday through Sunday and the world revolves around him when he's here. And of course, Ginger doesn't like him since he's too noisy and rough and thinks she's just a toy and thinks it's fun to scare her and pick on her, etc etc... so yeah, one long, stressful weekend later...
On Monday, however, she actually seemed a little more active, occasionally walking around the house talking to us and even wanting to go outside, and staying there for a few hours. Still didn't eat much, but we thought since she seemed to have some strength back, some appetite might be close behind... so we put off the vet call.
Tuesday, again, she went outside for a bit and was a little more active, but still no positive changes in her eating... so we made a vet appointment for Wednesday afternoon. But when the day came, she went outside again... and didn't come back by the time of her appointment. Mom and I searched and called and waited and waited, but no sign of her... so we had to reschedule the appointment and I spent the day worrying that she was stuck somewhere too weak to get back home. The sun started to set and still no sign of her... so both my parents and I went out looking again, combed every inch of the property and beyond for about an hour, when it got too dark to search. So I came back in and was so worried and depressed I couldn't get anything done for hours. When I went downstairs for one last drink refill around 10:30pm to see her at the door waiting eagerly to come in, I was so relieved I could've cried. She even went straight to her food dish and ate more than I'd seen her eat in one sitting (in one day, even) for over a week. Her old dry kibbles, no less.
Was feeling slightly better about things when I woke up today (Thursday), the day of her rescheduled appointment. She was still weak and not eating though, so we kept to the schedule and Mom came with me to bring her to the vet. Her first time seeing one (first time in the carrier as well) since she was spayed and vaccinated as a kitten. Hated to stress her like that in her weakened state... but if there might be some simple issue causing it, like a broken tooth or weakening kidney, I wanted to know and fix it instead of just letting her waste away over something potentially treatable.
So we got her to the vet, and within about 30 seconds of taking her out of the carrier, he found the problem.
A big mass in her abdomen. Somewhere between her stomach and large intestine.
He took an X-ray to confirm, but couldn't conclude what it actually was beyond three theories: a hairball, backed up fecal matter, or at worst, a tumor. So he gave her an appetite stimulant, an anti-inflammatory, and a laxative/lubricant, and sent us home with directions to keep them up for a few days and see if she'd pass the thing on her own, and call him early next week.
So we got her home, got her calmed down (she was very quiet and still through the whole thing, only meowed or growled a few times, but I'm pretty sure she was frozen with fear and her heart was running a mile a minute), and just... waited. A few hours later she started with this constant, pitiful, distressed crying, and walking around all weak and hunched over and stepping tenderly and looking just like I'd imagine a cat with a nasty tummyache would look. Of course, the one time in my life I ever had to take a laxative, I immediately felt like I was going to puke too, so I couldn't blame her... but there was nothing I could do... she kept going into the kitchen and looking for food, but no matter what we gave her she'd only take a few licks and walk away again... then come back a minute later only to repeat the process... all the while looking just absolutely pitiful. Even her voice sounded different for the rest of the night, these weak, scratchy, painful-sounding, heart-stabbing little meows... constantly... constantly...
ugh... *takes a cry break*
You know, many years ago, I had a friend whose family had a cat that was like, 20 or 21 years old or something. Peewee, her name was. And every time I saw that cat, my heart just broke at how pitiful and decrepit she looked... all skin and bones, fur falling out, walking low to the ground and with wobbly baby steps when she walked at all, voice all weak and scratchy and barely audible.
With the exception of the fur loss, that is what Ginger has looked like all evening since she came home from the vet.
She's 16. Yeah, that's old, but not decrepit-old. Barely a month ago she was still eating and active and pudgy and annoying and still my Ginger. She didn't even look this bad in the morning before her vet visit. I don't know if it's just the meds... the laxative was supposed to be super-gentle and not much different from a daily anti-hairball lubricant, and the appetite stimulant should've made her want to eat more, not less (though she's been constantly looking for food, just not eating more than a couple licks at a time before giving up)... she's not so old that she should be wasting away like this all in the course of about a month.
Even if it's just a tummyache from the meds... I can't stand seeing her like this. It's breaking my heart and I've been fighting tears for all I'm worth ever since we took her to the vet. My fat annoying little shadow isn't supposed to look like this. Not until she's 20-something years old and actually showing normal signs of aging. Seriously, her eyesight is perfect, her hearing is perfect, her heart and lungs are strong, her skin and fur look gorgeous, her teeth are fine, her urine and stool have been normal (except reduced lately with less food going through her)... she should have had a good few years left. I'm having trouble believing that a simple hairball or backed-up stool could reduce her to this. For one thing, in my (limited) understanding, when a foreign object like that blocks the digestive tract, there's usually vomiting or bleeding or some other unwholesome messy symptom involved. A slow-growing tumor seems less likely to do that. But then, a slow-growing tumor also doesn't seem as likely to cause this much degeneration in such a short time.
But isn't that just how it goes? An animal that's been sickly all its life can live on and on and on before quietly and peacefully succumbing to old age complications, while the healthiest animal in the world just starts to get "old" and then suddenly, WHAM - ends up with the least likely of anomalies leading to the most painful and agonizing death. It was the same with all the bettas I had - the ones that were strong and healthy and robust and never got sick all their lives, died in prolonged and untreatable pain from horrible things like Pixel with her random tumor and Magnus with his dropsy.
I know nothing is conclusive yet and it's still early in Ginger's case... but honestly... I'm not optimistic. For her sake I want to be, but something tells me no laxative is going to push that mass out of her. Of course I'll spend the rest of her life praying that it will until something tells me with 100% certainty otherwise, but I just... can't see this reversing itself. I also don't want to keep forcing these drugs down her throat if they're going to make her so miserable all the time. Whether it's mostly the meds or not, it's already like she's not even the same cat anymore. She doesn't look, sound, or act anything like my Ginger should. The only time she feels like the same old Ginger is when I'm holding her and she relaxes in my arms purring... but even then it's not the same since she's so much quieter, limper, and much, much lighter.
And if it is a tumor, from the shape it seems most likely to be benign and thus removable, but between the anesthesia and the pain and stress of recovery, operating on a 16 year old cat is risky at best. I could try to prolong her life by a couple years only to end up stressing her enough to shorten it by the same amount. Vets always do all kinds of tests to determine whether all a cat's organs are in good enough shape to handle an operation... but as weak as Ginger has been these past few weeks, I just don't know if she's strong enough to take it.
So, assuming this is a tumor... and my inherently pessimistic gut tells me it is... this is probably the end of the line for my baby. It'll just be a matter of keeping her as comfortable as possible until she just can't keep going any longer. I wonder if she'll even make it another year...
Of course, I fully intend to stay close to her as much as possible and give her all the help I possibly can... and just hope and pray that the low odds of that stupid mass being just a hairball end up miraculously winning out.
...I just know I won't be getting any sleep tonight. Just like pretty much every night for the past two weeks. I can't help it... she's been my closest friend since I was 13. At one point or two she was my only real friend. And now it's like she's not even the same cat and she looks so miserable and I just feel so powerless...
...Ok, time to quit. Vision is getting too wet and blurry to see the screen anymore. Sorry for whining forever.
comment! (1)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 11/04/2011 01:34:00 AM
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