 |
 |
Either get comfortable, folks, or get lost. This could be a long one.
So this person who used to be my best friend (I'll call her Asai from here on...she'll come up a lot) is begging me to go to her big new year's shendig tonight. If I say no, she goes into please-please-please-I-love-you-you're-my-best-friend-I'll-be-sad-if-you-don't-come-I-need-you-there mode. And if I do go, she won't even know I'm there. Decisions, decisions. Oh, and don't think I haven't researched this. For about a year I went through it dozens of times, before finally saying screw it and giving up. Kay, Asai and about 5 other people and myself, a few years ago, used to do stuff together all the time... movie nights (in-home or at the movies, thought the home ones were better), birthday parties, swimming, all-nighters, school sports events, bowling, shopping, lots of stuff. Well, after a year or so of this, I noticed that they grew further and further on each other and away from me. Me and Asai were the epitome of best friends... we did everything together, we never fought. There was also another, who I'll call Asai2, since they're the same... err.. anyhow, so the 3 of us were inseparable. Our little group also included 4 older guys, all the same age, actually, and all somehow romantically involved with Asai or Asai2 (mostly unrequitedly). Sooo, they all got more and more obsessed with each other, and I was gradually forgotten about. Soon I realized that I could sit through an entire movie night or some other activity with none of the others ever even realizing that I was in the same house. So from then on, whenever they invited me, I turned them down. Used excuses at first, but eventually just said no thanks, don't feel like it. But I did agree on rare occasions, just to shake things up and see what happened. Nothing had changed; no matter how much they begged me to go, they never even noticed I was there when I finally agreed. So I gave up totally, and eventually they stopped inviting me. Meanwhile, one of those 4 guys decided he wanted me, and the 2 of us became best friends, though I didn't return his feelings of admiration. We had an awesome few months there, including my senior prom, to which we went together. Too fun, it was.
Well, then, that summer, came band camp: me, Asai, and Asai2 together for a whole week. The first few days went great - I even thought things were gonna get back to normal with us. But of course, by the last day, all that was gone again, and the 2 of them continued to cling to each other and had no room left for me. To top it off, at the end of that week, my guy told me he was over his feelings for me, but of course, that our friendship wouldn't change. He was lying. Immediately he started getting cold toward me, and after a few weeks of unsuccessfully trying to bring him back, I gave up too. So now I was totally alone. About a month later, I started college, which opened that gap between me and everyone else even wider. Well, my guy bud started trying again, since he goes to the same college and drove me home and back on some weekends. Interestingly though, he blamed me for our growing apart.
Anyway... eventually summer came again. More invitations, more movie nights, more swimming (3 people in that group have pools), more fun together? Nope. None, in fact. It was the first summer of my whole life in which I never once entered a swimming pool. I don't recall even being invited to anything. Well, so much for that. Time to give up entirely and move on with life. College started again, me and my guy very rarely even talked or met up there since he no longer wanted to go home every weekend, and everything between me and the rest of the group was officially over. Actually, I think that had occurred over that eventless summer... whatever.
At any rate, whatever ties I had to those 2 or 3 perfect friendships were totally shredded. First it was Asai and Asai2, who decided all they needed was each other, and I didn't fit into the equation. That alone was a crusher. Asai was the best taste of friendship I'd ever known... I even thought we were soulmates (no, I don't think soulmate has any romantic implication...so there :P) for a while. But what kind of soulmate suddenly no longer has time to stop and say 'Hi' to you in the school halls, but has all the time in the world to stop her new best friend for a full conversation? And yes, that DID happen. Often. And after those two went my guy. Okay, so he did come back... and now gets a kick out of tormenting me for having no life. And blaming ME for my being dumped from the group. Ok, it was my fault no one knew I was there? It was my fault he himself spent much time being cold toward me, then blaming ME for ignoring HIM? He still blames me for that. I find it funny.
Know what else is funny to me? The temporary guilt. Like Christmas, just the past week or so. I got little gifts for Asai and Asai2, not knowing or caring whether they'd do the same for me (see my blog below about Christmas giving). Asai2 tells me, the second I hand her her gift, that she's run out of money and hence has nothing for me yet. Then Asai gets her gift, and immediately says she hasn't been shopping yet. She was lying. She, Asai2, and my guy had been talking all that morning about their shopping trip together, I think just the previous day, when they'd all bought clothes for each other. And they were wearing those new clothes that morning. I didn't say anything to her though... I don't like conflict. Well, one week later each of them did have a cheap little gift to give me. Those oh-crap-she-got-me-something-I'd-have-to-be-evil-not-to-get-her-something-too-better-go-find-something-cheap-quick things. They probably thought I couldn't tell. Come on... a penny bank, a keychain, and a little Christmas-tree-shaped case with makeup in it? I never even wear makeup.
And now, Asai has been begging me to go to her little party tonight. She wouldn't have even thought to invite me if my guy hadn't forced her to ask me. He does try to include me - yeah, NOW - but he doesn't seem to realize it's too late. He might want me there, just so he can pick on me for having no life, but the rest of them could care less. I gave up on all of them. They left me with nothing, why should I go back to them? They were the only friends I had, and when I lost them, I lost everything. I don't make new friends easily either... in fact, I seem to repel people. Sometimes I wonder if I'm Anthy Himemiya reincarnated. Anyway, so no, I didn't make any new friends at college either. I was left with no one and nothing. And I would have given up altogether - not just on friendship - if not for that cousin I'm always mentioning in here. That's why she means so much to me. Had she not come along when she did, I'd still have nothing to this day, and I might've taken actions to end my loneliness. Irreversible actions. I wonder if she knows that...?
Well... she does now, I'm sure. :D *glomps Dumplin'-chan* I lurve yoooo!!
Anyhow... it still hurts now and then. Especially with Asai. Every time I see her now, being her hyper, youthful, flirty self with all her male worshippers and even with Asai2 (no, they're not :P), it reminds me of what we had. She used to be that way with me. She was the only person I knew who I could really open up around, who I could be genuinely goofy with. Yes, she flirted with me too, by the way. She does with everyone. And yes, I returned it. But NO, neither of us were serious about it. *shudder* It just hurts when I see her acting like that around her friends now, knowing I had a friend like that once, but lost her for good. I'll never find that kind of relationship again... it's a once in a lifetime kind of thing, I think. Most people's just seem to last much longer than mine did, though... some never lose it. I did, after just 2 years. I'll never have happiness like that again, and that's why it hurts. But, as I said, I have Dumpling-chan now, and I know she's genuine. She wouldn't even think of doing to me what they all did, and I don't think she'd ever intentionally hurt me. I also know that after she reads this she won't try to flirt with me and stuff just to try to recover that once-in-a-lifetime thing that I lost, cause she's not like that. She's genuine, nothing phony about her. She knows she doesn't have to put up a front for my sake, and that I like her just the way she is. The fun we have and the stuff we share can't be duplicated or broken (I hope). It must be a cousins thing. :P
Look at me... I hate when I get corny and weird. But it had to be said. XD I've learned that it's not good to keep the important stuff locked up inside and never share it with the people it involves, because you never know when they (or you) won't be there anymore. Something life teaches everyone at some point, some sooner than others. I always hoped that I could have a few days' warning before my death just so I'd have time to write letters to everyone I never got to say certain stuff to. There's a lot I'd like to say to Asai and Asai2 that way, for instance. :P It probably won't work out that way, but... oh well. I doubt they'd like what they'd be reading anyway.
Whew, that's over. Y'all can take a potty break now. I'm off to get ready for my New Years' rendezvous *cackle* with a good buddy of mine. Guess who? Sorry, Asai and my guy... I have plans.
comment! (0)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 12/31/2001 04:52:00 PM
|
|
