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wStuff You Don't Wanna Know But Are Reading Anyway |
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I dunno how you found this, but alas, here you are. So enjoy the frightening fruits of my troubled little brain.
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wThursday, February 28, 2002 |
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feeling: temporarily nice and warm
listening to: Utena - Ensuikei Zettairan Algebra
It is bloody COLD. I hate when it's this cold. I have to walk outside between classes and such, often for 10 minutes at a time, with the evil wind slamming my face and numbing me all over... *snarl* There are buses, nice and warm ones, but when it's this freakin' cold, there is no room in them whatsoever. You have to push and shove and fight the crowds just to get a spot in these buses, even if it's standing room only, which it usually is. Then when you reach your stop, you have to fight your way through the aisles to get the heck out. Also, the schedules are all screwed up when the passenger count is that insane, so I usually end up standing outside waiting for a ride for up to 10 minutes, in which time I could've freaking WALKED to where I was going. Then, after I've waited that long, the other people at the stop usually outfight me and get on first and take all the room, so I have to walk anyway. >_< Did I mention it was over 60 degrees one day this week and driving snow the next? I despise Ohio winters.
Linguistics really is pretty interesting. I learned in the past couple weeks why exactly it is that some people say stuff like 'hampster' instead of 'hamster'. Has to do with phonology, and the position of one's language apparatus while saying the M and S sounds back-to-back in a word such as hamster. You just automatically add that extra bilabial stop (P) in there. And believe it or not, I have spent many a time wondering just why the heck I kept hearing people say 'hampster'. Ah yes, a little part of me feels so... complete now. :P But it STILL drives me nuts when I see people spelling hamster with a P. It's HAMSTER! Say it with a P all you want, but PLEASE at least spell it right! >< It's not hard... I mean, does anyone you know spell 'strength' with a K instead of a G, even though many of us pronounce it with one? See, it's really not hard, people!
Sorry, little bizarre pet peeve coming out there. :P No offense to you hampster people. *cringe*
This brownie sitting on the desk next to me smells really good. I think I'll eat it now. Ohhh yeah.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 2/28/2002 01:20:00 PM
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wWednesday, February 27, 2002 |
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feeling: free and happy
listening to: Utena - Konnichiwa Akachan
I just found out I have no English class tomorrow. *cartwheels around the room* Which means I just wasted about 4 hours reading this absolutely bizarre book we were assigned, and I also wasted 9 pages' worth of printer paper and ink to print a copy of my work-in-progress research paper that was supposed to be due tomorrow. Rarr. But it also means I get to sleep in till 9:30, get back from my first and last class by 11:30, and be free the rest of the day. ^____^ In OTHER good news, when my English teacher announced this development, she also announced that our third and final response paper (easy 3-page analysis thing about some text we're gonna read), to be due during finals week, is also cancelled, and is now reserved for extra credit purposes only. What a great night. *luvey sigh* This means I'll have all afternoon to screw around, leaving my evening free to study for my linguistics test Thursday. -_- Or maybe I should reverse that... since tomorrow is my twice-a-week 2-hours-of-Utena night... *ponders options* Naaahh. I'll just leave all the studying till 9 or 10 at night like I always do. Hey, we all have our strengths. Mine are procrastination and intense apathy/lethargy/sloth/whathaveyou.
It snowed like mad today. Most of the afternoon, I could barely see across the street. It was insane. Yet not a speck of white remains now on the ground. >_< It was just a little too warm, and the ground was too wet. There might be a tiny bit clinging to the grass, since it's gotten colder throughout the evening, but barely if any at all. Go figure Ohio weather. Yesterday it was over 60 degrees.
I love sleeping. I really do. If a solid sleep were something you could buy in a store, it would probably cost my life savings. Sleep is a luxury. Sleep is nice when it comes, but evil when it decides to be elusive. Sleep is my friend. I think I'll go get me some sleep right now. Thank God I won't have to pay for it. Well, not with money, at least.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 2/27/2002 12:17:00 AM
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wFriday, February 22, 2002 |
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feeling: grr
listening to: randomized stuff in my anime/RPG/Japanese folder
Michelle Kwan got the bronze. -_-;; WRONG. They should make me a judge in... um, wherever the next winter games are gonna be. I still don't know. Yeah, what the heck was that? A three-way tie?? What is that about? First off, that Russian chick's technical marks SHOULD have been about even with Michelle's, cause her mistakes added up just about the same, though she may have been a little slower and stiffer... but for some reason, her tech marks were HIGHER than Michelle's. What?! Yeah, and she also got soaring presentation marks, which should NOT have exceeded Michelle's. They should've been lower. That was totally wrong. Yes, Sarah what's-her-name skated awesome tonight, but when you put the short and long programs together... she could NOT top Michelle. The Russian chick maybe, but not Michelle. But, her aside... had the judges scored the Russian girl the way they should have, this 3-way tie nonsense would never have happened, and Michelle would've won the gold she's had coming to her for about 5 years now. Grr. See, they should've made me a judge. Even Scott Hamilton agreed with me.
Umm... I should go to bed, but no. Don't feel like it. What to do for about another half hour while I listen to random Japanese songs... not this, cause I obviously have nothing else to say. Blah.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 2/22/2002 12:47:00 AM
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wTuesday, February 19, 2002 |
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feeling: relieved
listening to: Olympic figure skating music on TV
Isn't it amazing how sometimes, clouds DO have silver linings?
Yeah, I didn't believe it either. :P But yesterday, when I was lying in bed trying to get to sleep after what I had first called a rough day (mainly due to some depression after hearing about Kevin Smith *sigh*), I realized that some things had actually conspired for me. Not against me. Like, ok... first silver lining: Japanese class. I did embarrass myself more than anything, but the bright spot was, my favorite teacher, Kashiwagi-sensei, taught the class. She's the adorable one. ~_^ And I don't think she's ever taught my section on a Monday... not this quarter anyway. She usually takes Thursdays or Fridays. (My Japanese class has I think 6 teachers by the way... a lecturer and 4 that rotate between teaching recitation sections by the day... so we have a different one all but once a week... nifty system.) So her teaching was unexpected and cool. Second bright spot - we watched Aliens in English class instead of actually doing work or having discussions or other such crap. Always good. Third bright spot: Mirror Lake Cafe was serving chicken and dumplings. Mmmmm. *drool* Fourth bright spot, another silver lining: CVS didn't have the water for Mitsu, which meant I didn't get to clean his vase out... but it also meant an extra hour or so of free time for me. Got some work done in that time. Fifth bright spot: got dinner a little early so I could take advantage of having the room to myself for a full 2 1/2 hours. What did I do during that time? What I always do to cheer up: watched Utena. ^_^ And it worked. I was smiling by the time I finished the tape. Anyway, sixth bright spot: I think I finally took care of the virus that's been haunting my software for a couple months now. It'll probably be back eventually, but it left me alone long enough to do my English paper. And seventh bright spot: I got half of that paper done before going to bed last night. All in all, turned out to be a decent day... my guess is someone upstairs knew I was all down about Kevin and threw in a few little good things to brighten my day a little at a time. It worked. Thanks, Dude Upstairs. ^^
Today worked out pretty much the same way. I think I slept off some of my depression about Kevin, but not all of it... I won't go into why, cause it'd take too long to explain. Anywho, yeah... the best part of today was probably the fact that I finished my English paper around 10 p.m. And everything else I have due tomorrow is done. Also found out today that I got a perfect score on my linguistics midterm, and that it turns out I'll only have to schedule one ling. experiment/talk instead of two (a class requirement... attend 2 talks/discussions or participate in 2 experiments, or one of each) because we're gonna go to a talk as a class later on. One down. And as I think I mentioned earlier, I'm not gonna bother with meeting my adviser for a while. I already scheduled, so I don't see any reason to hurry and declare a major.
Women's figure skating started tonight, which is cool. My favorite Olympic event, I do believe... the one that got me interested in the Olympics in the first place back in 1992. Ten years ago... wow. Yeah... my obsession began with the women's gold medalist that year, Kristi Yamaguchi, and sorta stuck with me. I still say Nancy Kerrigan should've won in Lilehammer. Freak Oksana Baiul. -_- And Michelle Kwan should've beaten Tara Lipinski in Nagano... that scrawny little gawky runt. Well, it looks like Michelle might win this year... she's in first place so far after the big contenders of the short program. She better win. She's had that chunk o'gold coming to her for years now. And Sasha Cohen needs to get the silver. She is GOOD. She was the first skater I saw tonight, and it was the first time I've seen her... daaaang, was I impressed. Good, good, good. But just seems to lack Michelle Kwan's grace, or something cheesy-yet-important like that. I'm not sure.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 2/19/2002 11:07:00 PM
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wMonday, February 18, 2002 |
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feeling: numb
listening to: nothing
This is going to be a horrid, horrid week. Ok, remember that monster list of crap I have to do this week that I ranted about in my last blog? Got a few new additions to the equation. I could do nothing with my hair this morning no matter what I did... I may as well have not even gotten up early this morning to wash it. I botched pretty much everything I tried to do in Japanese this morning because my brain was not all there. Just went to CVS, and they have absolutely NO jugs of water, so Mitsu will have to live in the stench of his own excrement for another week. If he gets sick again I'm suing CVS, freak it all. I realized I will not have as much time tonight as I had hoped to work on my English paper, which is thus going to kill me after all.
Oh, but here's the best part. Kevin Smith is dead.
I do not believe this. He was one of the few actors I really like (yes, the actor from New Zealand, not the cheesy director or whatever) and he's dead at 38. Severe head injury sustained in what is believed to be a 6-story fall while filming a movie in China. Left behind a wife and 3 young kids. He actually died earlier over the weekend, but I just found out this morning, after showering and while fighting a futile battle with this pile of filth growing out of my head. Great way to start a Monday, huh?
My deepest love and condolences to the family of Kevin Smith. I take small comfort knowing that he was a wonderful person and, in my mind, he must be assured a fittingly wonderful afterlife. May he rest in peace.
I have so much crap to do. And how am I supposed to concentrate now? I should have bought some Ben & Jerry's when I was just at CVS... but nooo, I get three lousy Cadbury eggs instead. Uh huh, that'll hold me. Arrrg. See, my brain is just not all here.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 2/18/2002 02:25:00 PM
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wSunday, February 17, 2002 |
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feeling: the not-good kind of anticipation
listening to: Queen - Body Language
So I emailed my adviser Friday with some scheduling questions, like I've done every quarter since I started college. Well, except twice when I went to see her instead, but anyway. Previously whenever I emailed her around scheduling time for class suggestions, she was really helpful, told me what I was done with and what I was lacking, what to avoid for a while, etc. But Friday when I emailed her with the same basic kind of questions, she replied saying that the stuff I'd asked wasn't appropriate for emails, and I should make an appointment to go see her instead. Which is a pain, since her office has moved since last quarter and they apparently don't take walk-ins anymore like in the old building. -_- Anywaaaay, she also told me to go ahead and schedule that night, and THEN to go see her next week (now this week). Um, wait. Schedule first and THEN go to her for scheduling advice? Something's not right here. Anyway, I dug out some old books from last year that list all the general course requirements for people in the major I plan to declare sometime... uh, soon... maybe... *whistle*... and found a few requirements still not met. Scheduled Japanese 103, Japanese 231 (more about culture and literature than language), and Biology 101, which I've heard is sickeningly easy. "This is a dog. This is a fish." Heck yeah. ~_^ I wanted to take a certain Philosophy class instead of bio, but there was no possible way to schedule both it and the two Jap classes, so that'll have to wait. Bugger. Anyway, yeah, so that's settled... hopefully. Just have to hope my adviser doesn't have any objections if/when I go see her this week. Eh, maybe I'll just wait till the end of the quarter. I've already scheduled. No thanks to her.
These next few days are going to be torture. I have a 8-10 page English paper due Wednesday, plus daily Japanese homework and a Japanese katakana test on Wednesday (I finally know ALL katakana now... yay). Also have to meet with my group in English class to discuss the presentation we have to do in a few weeks, read the book thing upon which that presentation will be based, completely change Mitsu's water after buying said water from CVS, schedule at least one of 2 required Linguistics experiments, and maybe meet with my adviser. Well, at least I've started the stupid paper. Got a paragraph done. Which, with double spacing, thesis, title, and all the required headings, ends up amounting to almost a page. So, woo. 7-9 pages to go between tonight, tomorrow, and the next night. But will I touch it tonight? Noooo. Because I'm an idiot. Shoot me.
Ack, steering away from depressing school crap... I got to see my nephew over the weekend. And I got to make him laugh - got to make a tiny little baby laugh - for the first time. ^_^ Yes, that sounds cheesy, but... I've seen laughing babies before, but was never on the receiving end of the smile. Actually, I think this was the first time since he was born that I ever held him for a decent amount of time during which he neither cried nor slept. *le sigh* There can't be any better temporary therapy on this earth than making a baby laugh. ^___^ I guess it's just refreshing to be near someone who's perfectly entertained by things as silly as a sticking-out tongue, a tap on the nose, or a funny noise... if only everyone could be so easily amused by such tiny things. Or maybe it's having an excuse to perform said ridiculous behaviors and not be given what-the-bloody-heck-is-she-thinking-is-she-off-her-nut looks by everyone around.
Well... I have half an hour or so. Maybe I'll go do something *gasp* productive before bed. But not the paper. Ick ick ick. Just something to get out of the way and ease the load off the next couple nights when I will have to work on the paper. Blah.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 2/17/2002 11:30:00 PM
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wFriday, February 15, 2002 |
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feeling: reluctant
listening to: Utena Movie - Yomigaere! Mukyuu no Rekishi Chuusei Yo
My new Googlewhacks: Terrapin Titilation, Pelvic Heliocentricity, Polyphenic Artichoke, Ophthalmological Contortionist. Could've gotten more, but my mental lexicon is just fried at the moment.
Not much to blog about. Nothing at all, in fact. Mitsu made another bubble nest, I semi-designed another alter-ego for myself (that makes about 8 now), I have tons of homework I'm not doing, the Japanese teacher I had this morning is freakin' adorable, I need to pay my phone bill, I go home late tonight, I'm supposed to schedule next quarter's classes today, and I still haven't emailed my advisor about my decision *ahem* to major in Japanese. Why do college students have to have majors anyway? It just makes things bloody hard. -_-
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 2/15/2002 02:07:00 PM
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wThursday, February 14, 2002 |
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feeling: pressured
listening to: Olympics on my teevee
I have discovered something frighteningly fun and addicting. It's called Googlewhacking. What ya do is, go to Google, an amazingly extensive search engine, and type in a search consisting of TWO WORDS, with no quotation marks, that returns only ONE result. Man, talk about addicting. My Googlewhacks tonight: Pasteurized Coelacanth, Detoxified Budgerigars, Methodological Gharials, Tangelo Orrery, Scientifically Methodize (that amazed me, considering the scientific method and all), Paleontologic Gosling... and that's all for now. I'm sure I'll look for more later. Bored now.
I have to decide on a major in the next, like, 24 hours. Yay life. -_- Well... I've put it off this long, I guess. It's kinda funny thinking back to my senior year, when I couldn't decide on a major because I had too many ideas to choose from - art, mythology/classics, writing, journalism, music... I can't remember if there were any more. So I whittled all of those down to... well, nothing... within a year. The only idea I have left is Japanese. Yes, I'm about to declare a Japanese major. But, what if I get sick and tired of it in the next year or two? I mean, back when I was starting college, I was obsessed with mythology and art and writing and all those other things I mentioned. I still like them, for the most part, but I just outgrew the fascination. For instance, mythology - for starters, the closest I could come to majoring in that would be a major in classics, and not ALL classical subjects interest me. And art... oh, I still LOVE art. But... it's only a hobby. I figured that out in the art class I took last year. So what if Japanese turns out the same? I think I've always had sort of a deep-seeded fascination with East Asian... um, stuff, but... there were no classes about any of it in my high school, and I didn't really endeavor to learn anything about it till I became obsessed with anime. So what if my anime obsession fades? Will my Japanese interests go with it, even though they were faintly there before I became an otaku? I mean, every other interest I ever had faded after a few years... aarrrrg... *throws random book out window*
But, here's the way I see it. It's extremely stupid to declare a major in something that doesn't interest you, or something that you can't see yourself sticking with, or something that's just gonna seem like a chore. Where I stand now, it doesn't look like I'll lose my interest in Japanese, but... what if I do? But still, it's the only interest I have right now that I actually WANT to learn more about, and that doesn't seem at all like a chore... just an interest. On one hand, if something's just an interest, should you build your life around it? But on the other hand, if there's something else that you decide to major in just because it would make a good career one day, but it doesn't particularly interest you... it just seems like a chore, and it's not worth it. Now, Japanese interests me. From where I stand now, I don't really see it as being a chore if I base the rest of my college life around it. It'd feel a lot like these past 2 quarters of Japanese have - like electives. The way I see it, that's what it's all about. Maybe right now I can't think of too many good jobs that could get me, but if it's an interest, and if I put just a little work into it, I can find one.
Well, there you have it. By this time next week... it looks like I'll be a Japanese major.
Um. Do I get a cookie now or anything?
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 2/14/2002 10:29:00 PM
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wTuesday, February 12, 2002 |
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feeling: midterm anxiety >_<
listening to: Utena - Missing Link
I have the most bizarre dreams.
Ok. Last night I dreamed we (me and my parents) went to visit my brother, sis-in-law, and nephew. But their house was... well, not their house. I think that's a common feature in lots of people's dreams, places that should be familiar appearing totally different? Anyway, so we were at their house, which was much bigger than it really is (I remember at least one stairway, and a HUGE yard, neither of which they really have). Heather's son from a previous marriage, Steen, was also there... studying for a Spanish test. Spanish?? The kid's like, 8! Anywho, so most of our "visiting" was actually done outside in the yard... I remember Heather holding my nephy, who was fussing cause she'd woken him up to visit with us, and the house was waaay in the distance. I ended up going inside later, but I dunno if my parents did. So, next thing I know, I had to get ready to leave - to catch the school bus. o_O I've had sooo many dreams about school buses lately... and high school... Anyway, so I was on my way out the door, and I said something in Spanish to Steen as I was leaving. He replied in Spanish, indicating that his studying was coming along quite well. So I walked outside to see the school bus already waiting for me... and apparently this was behind the house, cause the yard was considerably smaller now. But still a decent distance to run to catch the bus. Well, before I could get to the open door, the driver decided he'd waited long enough and shut the door, but I kept running, thinking maybe he'd catch sight of me in the mirror. He did. I got on the bus and thanked the driver, who had a huge, friendly smile on his face. The driver was Drew Carey. *falls out window* Now, is that not bizarre?
...Ok, so compared to a lot of my dreams, no it's not. But... DREW CAREY! And Steen taking a Spanish class?? An intermediate one, it seemed. In 2nd grade or so. Not to mention the school bus... Lord, I could not even TRY to count all the dreams I've had about school buses and being back in high school, since I started college. What the heck is that about? Oh, they're all bad, too. Missing the bus, minor fights or general discomfort/unsettlement on the bus (in one, the driver, the one I had for 12 years in real life, refused to let me board because she'd gotten to my house early that day and had been waiting for me, and felt she'd waited too long already... yet she had plenty of time to hold the door open and argue with me about it. I mean, I was RIGHT THERE, door was open, but she wouldn't let me on! Anyway...), getting lost in the halls at school, missing classes (like, weeks at a time), failing, stuff like that. My dreams frighten me sometimes.
Eh, steering away from that. I had some high school nostalgia float back to me today... of my senior year band director, mostly. That man was a complete MORON. Every time I think of him now, I can only see him as the jerk who ruined my senior year. Then I get all bitter and depressed. -_- But I try to relieve some of this anger by remembering the times when I got the better of him, and also by imagining what I'd say to him if I ever saw him again. XD *cackle* I won't go into detail on his moronicness now... don't have time... but I'll mention a few things. Ok, at one point during football season he made us come to a basically ALL DAY marching practice on a Friday morning that was a school holiday, though there was still a game that night. We'd get there in the late morning and stop just before the game. Well, after about 3 hours of marching through the halftime show over and over, everyone was getting REALLY sick of band. After one of these run-throughs, McMoron (literally McMullen... our own "clever" recreation :P) forced us to return to the starting point and do it over. I quietly voiced my disgust to one of my other trumpet-playing friends on the way back, who of course agreed wholeheartedly. Well, McMoron didn't hear what I said, but he did hear my tone of voice, so he called me back and yelled at me for being snotty. Snotty?! Ok, for one, I wasn't even TALKING to him. For two, he didn't even know what I SAID. Anyway, the rest of the session goes on and stuff. Then, a few days (weeks? I don't remember) later, my dad, who was on the school board (he's now the board president ^^ Go Dad!), encountered McMoron at a meeting or something. He told me about this upon his arrival home afterward... said something like "So, McMullen spoke to me tonight... he told me something about you being snotty toward him?" But he was half-laughing as he said it! So I told him what had happened, which was of course totally different from what McMoron had told him. And we had a good laugh. My dad was actually PROUD of me for being "snotty". XD I think he said he even laughed in McMoron's face when he'd told him, too. Keep in mind, I'm notorious for being a very reserved, soft-spoken person with my superiors (and pretty much everyone else), and I only get "snotty" when I've had enough. I mean, really REALLY had enough. It takes a WHOOOOLE LOT to get me that cheesed off. Sooo, most of the other teachers in the school found out about all this too, including the principal, so when they encountered me in the halls or what have you, they'd stop me to say: "Don't you get SNOTTY with me, Cottrill!" or "Hope you haven't been SNOTTY with your teachers again!" and we'd all have a good laugh. See, they knew me better. So McMoron tried to get me into trouble with my teachers, the principal, and my parents, by twisting the truth around, but instead of having it all work against ME, he became a laughingstock with the majority of faculty and everyone else who heard about it. You GOTTA love the irony. *cackle* McMoron was fired after that year, his only one at our school, by the way. Another great memory... this was later, I think... it was the week of parent-teacher conferences, which my parents only went to for a chance to talk to some of the teachers they don't see much, cause I always had As and Bs, so there wasn't much to "confer" about. I went with them that evening, cause there was to be a pep band practice, which ended up being cancelled. So I ran around the halls, and eventually my parents got around to the band room, for a conference with McMoron... the only actual conference they'd planned for the evening, cause they hated him as did everyone else. They ended up being in there for, like, an hour, while McMoron tried to feed them lies about his treatment of me and other band members (I won't go into details... no time), and my dad perpetually shot them down. There was no defense. My dad is GOOD. ~_^ So by the time they left, McMoron was extremely red-faced. I'm not sure if I'd ever been so proud of my dad up to that day.
*luvey sigh* Ah, I have SO few good memories from high school. It feels good to recall the few that do exist.
Ok, I really need to go study now. Linguistics midterm in 2 hours. Make that an hour and 47 minutes. *sigh*
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 2/12/2002 12:41:00 PM
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wThursday, February 07, 2002 |
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feeling: inferior
listening to: Shingo Mama - O'Ha Rock
I hate my very nature. Why in the name of bleu cheese am I so bloody competitive and jealous? I wallow around in self-pity for not being where I want to be in life - where everyone else is, usually - yet I simply do not have the motivation to DO anything about it. What is wrong with me?
Ok, you wanna know what got me started on this tonight? A debate about Britney Spears. Someone shoot me. No, at this forum I'm a member of, someone started a big debate topic with the subject "Britney Spears should be outlawed!" and within a few hours pretty much everyone had had their say. Including me, early on. Well, in the course of things, some of the older regulars start saying that the opinion of anyone involved in this debate who didn't have kids really didn't matter (they were talking about why parents hate Spears because their young kids idolize her, want to dress like her and stuff). Again, including me, though I was totally on their side, and it showed in my earlier reply. But then, another childless 19-year-old comes in and says stuff basically along the lines of what I was saying, and one of the mothers returned and praised her up and down for being so insightful and having been brought up so exceptionally well.
Why, for Bob's sake, does that make me feel so insignificant? It has nothing to DO with me, does it? I'm just a jealous, self-centered little brat, without even trying to be. Yeah, my parents raised me darned well too, I happen to think... my dad keeps telling me one day I'll make lots of friends easy because I have "a lot of insight". Right. What the heck kind of college student ever made a true friend through insight?
And this isn't the first debate at that forum that got under my skin like that. The last one I got involved in, another stupid trivial thing, ended up with me leaving the forum for months, until an old "friend" from there cajoled me into going back. Wanna know the topic of that argument? The three-word title of a Sailor Moon movie. Someone find me a shrink. Well, crap... I give my brief, simple opinion on the subject, other people totally twist it around into something perverse, I express my having taken offense, and they go into "Well, isn't SOMEONE a tad bitter about all this... hey, that's how life is, ya gotta accept it... with this-and-this-and-this going on here, how could we NOT pervert it like that?" Come on. Some people work at trying to understand others' beliefs just to they can twist them out of recognition, I swear.
And guess what? It's actually NOT just the trivial stuff. (What, I actually have a shred of reality in me too? gasp) I've gotten involved in several debates there about religion and the like, one or two of which also prompted me to take temporary leave of the place. Understand, I'm in a heck of a minority there when it comes to my belief. I think I'm the only Christian among the hundreds of other members. There are a few who call themselves Christian, but they admit that they don't really practice it, it's just what they've proclaimed their faith to be. Anyway, yeah. It's not easy being so thoroughly outnumbered in a debate, and having your beliefs perpetually slammed into the wall.
So my question for... um, myself, is... WHY do I get myself into those debates? I'd be better off to just ignore them... I always say I hate confrontation anyway (and I do). So why can't I keep my big mouth shut?
Oh, that's another funny thing. When I need to just keep my mouth shut, I can't. And when I need to speak up for myself, I can't. Something's wrong here. I think it's that I just take everything too freaking personally. I get all embarrassed over the tiniest things and I henceforth refuse to associate myself with those things ever again at the risk of further embarrassment. I loathe myself for it. Yet I can't do anything about it. It's who I am.
Being me sucks. Why couldn't I have been born to an atheist family with no morals or structure whatsoever? At least then it wouldn't bother me and make me question everything. Including myself. Think about that, when you ask a question, it's because you don't know the answer and want to know it and think whoever you're asking will know, right? So, what of asking questions of oneself? What kind of answers could one get? That's where I'm stuck. I can't win.
'Right, I'm done with my nonsensical ranting now. I'm gonna go to bed or something. I have to get up earlier than usual tomorrow. Ugh.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 2/07/2002 12:04:00 AM
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wTuesday, February 05, 2002 |
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feeling: semi-bored and stiff
listening to: Maaya Sakamoto - Aoi Hitomi (from Tenkuu no Escaflowne)
I wish I weren't so lazy. Maybe then I'd actually get off my fat butt and go exercise or something. Sitting in a hard chair staring at a computer screen for hours and hours every day doesn't exactly promote ideal health.
...Eh well. I'm too lazy to care. *inhales a Little Debbie*
Know what I'm obsessed with (again) now? The Sims. I've had it for over a year, but lost all my progress a couple months ago in a reformat. >_< But all's cool... by now I've pretty much gotten back to where I used to be... or as far into that as I WANT to be. I don't even mess with the Goths or Newbies, the pre-set families... no fun. I only play with Kara Lee and Aire, my roomie chicas whose house just got a bit of a remodel and a big ol' pool. ^^ See, Kara Lee's an aspiring actress and rakin' in pretty good cash, and Aire's a great painter... all her works sell for around $130-$180. They live in a ppreset house that was probably intended for a single person, but they get by. And as soon as we get a little more cash, their place is getting a new room built on, and lots of new furnishing and the like. They'll be swimming in riches by the time I'm through. Err, and I also have another family, 2 parents and a daughter, which I'll be starting to work with soon... they're nifty. I just have a strange attachment to my roomie girls at the moment... I dunno.
And speaking of obsessions... Mitsu knows a new trick~ XD When I feed him, he'll actually jump about halfway out of the water to grab a flake right off my fingertip. On occasion, anyhow. It's so nifty ^___^
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 2/05/2002 07:19:00 PM
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wFriday, February 01, 2002 |
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feeling: bored
listening to: Forest for the Trees - Dream
Ever hear that song? *points up at italicized text for the slower folks out there* It's very cool. Awesome sound... nifty mixing/synthesis effects, and the chorus is backdropped by... believe it or not... bagpipes that sound COOL. Not much to the lyrics though... I do enjoy the "I'm the first person, you're the second person, earlier today I was in the third person" thing, for some reason. Trippy. But the rest is basically just "I can't tell the difference between my dreams and reality" (paraphrased of course)... maybe that's awesome and intriguing to some, but nothing really new to me. I just love the ending: the sound of that evil, raucous, high-pitched buzzing alarm going off in the morning. I generally detest that sound, but still, great touch.
Dude, I wish Siamese fighting fish could live forever... Mitsu has officially got me wrapped around his little fin...ger! (yes, I know, I know... shut up :P) I never knew a fish could have such a standout personality. He's such a twink XD Um, ok, remember a few blogs ago when he was just getting over whatever sickness he had, and I said he waved back at me when I wave at him? Well, he has learned to wave first. Serious! I just look over at him, and he's staring at me, flopping his fins around, and he won't stop till I wave back at him - it used to be the other way around. And he'll sort of follow my finger across the glass of his vase sometimes... and today when I fed him I noticed he would actually hang around the surface with his mouth open and sticking up out of the water, like he's trying to catch the next bite I'm about to drop in. (I feed him one bite at a time... takes a few minutes, but I can make sure he's not getting more than he can eat that way) And he's even been working on building a bubble nest since yesterday. ^_^ That means he sits there blowing bubbles for several minutes, making a little foamy clump at the surface... it also means he's feeling exceptionally fit and happy, cause the purpose of the nest is to attract females. And it gave me the cutest art inspiration... keehee~~~
In other news, my calendar has a picture of a growling snow leopard for February. And it is freaking awesome. ^o^ So much better than those zebras I had to stare at throughout January.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 2/01/2002 06:01:00 PM
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