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feeling: inferior
listening to: Shingo Mama - O'Ha Rock
I hate my very nature. Why in the name of bleu cheese am I so bloody competitive and jealous? I wallow around in self-pity for not being where I want to be in life - where everyone else is, usually - yet I simply do not have the motivation to DO anything about it. What is wrong with me?
Ok, you wanna know what got me started on this tonight? A debate about Britney Spears. Someone shoot me. No, at this forum I'm a member of, someone started a big debate topic with the subject "Britney Spears should be outlawed!" and within a few hours pretty much everyone had had their say. Including me, early on. Well, in the course of things, some of the older regulars start saying that the opinion of anyone involved in this debate who didn't have kids really didn't matter (they were talking about why parents hate Spears because their young kids idolize her, want to dress like her and stuff). Again, including me, though I was totally on their side, and it showed in my earlier reply. But then, another childless 19-year-old comes in and says stuff basically along the lines of what I was saying, and one of the mothers returned and praised her up and down for being so insightful and having been brought up so exceptionally well.
Why, for Bob's sake, does that make me feel so insignificant? It has nothing to DO with me, does it? I'm just a jealous, self-centered little brat, without even trying to be. Yeah, my parents raised me darned well too, I happen to think... my dad keeps telling me one day I'll make lots of friends easy because I have "a lot of insight". Right. What the heck kind of college student ever made a true friend through insight?
And this isn't the first debate at that forum that got under my skin like that. The last one I got involved in, another stupid trivial thing, ended up with me leaving the forum for months, until an old "friend" from there cajoled me into going back. Wanna know the topic of that argument? The three-word title of a Sailor Moon movie. Someone find me a shrink. Well, crap... I give my brief, simple opinion on the subject, other people totally twist it around into something perverse, I express my having taken offense, and they go into "Well, isn't SOMEONE a tad bitter about all this... hey, that's how life is, ya gotta accept it... with this-and-this-and-this going on here, how could we NOT pervert it like that?" Come on. Some people work at trying to understand others' beliefs just to they can twist them out of recognition, I swear.
And guess what? It's actually NOT just the trivial stuff. (What, I actually have a shred of reality in me too? gasp) I've gotten involved in several debates there about religion and the like, one or two of which also prompted me to take temporary leave of the place. Understand, I'm in a heck of a minority there when it comes to my belief. I think I'm the only Christian among the hundreds of other members. There are a few who call themselves Christian, but they admit that they don't really practice it, it's just what they've proclaimed their faith to be. Anyway, yeah. It's not easy being so thoroughly outnumbered in a debate, and having your beliefs perpetually slammed into the wall.
So my question for... um, myself, is... WHY do I get myself into those debates? I'd be better off to just ignore them... I always say I hate confrontation anyway (and I do). So why can't I keep my big mouth shut?
Oh, that's another funny thing. When I need to just keep my mouth shut, I can't. And when I need to speak up for myself, I can't. Something's wrong here. I think it's that I just take everything too freaking personally. I get all embarrassed over the tiniest things and I henceforth refuse to associate myself with those things ever again at the risk of further embarrassment. I loathe myself for it. Yet I can't do anything about it. It's who I am.
Being me sucks. Why couldn't I have been born to an atheist family with no morals or structure whatsoever? At least then it wouldn't bother me and make me question everything. Including myself. Think about that, when you ask a question, it's because you don't know the answer and want to know it and think whoever you're asking will know, right? So, what of asking questions of oneself? What kind of answers could one get? That's where I'm stuck. I can't win.
'Right, I'm done with my nonsensical ranting now. I'm gonna go to bed or something. I have to get up earlier than usual tomorrow. Ugh.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 2/07/2002 12:04:00 AM
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