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feeling: tired and slightly edgy
listening to: Record of Lodoss War - Kiseki no Umi
Last night it took me just about 2 hours to get to sleep. That's about twice as long as it usually takes me. Why, I wish I knew... because it irritates the crap out of me. I could be using that extra hour every night to do something productive. ¬_¬
Yes, I said productive. Anything's more productive than lying awake in the dark with your eyes shut for an hour. Even what I'm doing now. :P
Anyway... something occurred to me tonight. Back when I was 13 or so, I started having some weird kinda stomach trouble and totally lost my appetite. Often I'd only eat once a day... and for at least a year, maybe two, I would not eat a single bite between meals. Never knew why; I just had no appetite. So after I lost about 20 pounds my mom took me to the doc - again - and he couldn't provide answers either. So before long my hip and collar bones were sticking out everywhere, not to mention my face was all bony and pale... all my relatives and such were worried that I'd given myself an eating disorder in an effort to just be thin. And even though I made sure they knew this had only happened because my stomach had gone insane, I still hated myself for letting it get that far. Those were not fun years. Well, I don't know how or when, but somehow (I am so talented... somehow I actually managed to type 'somewhore' before 'somehow' XD), someway, I started eating again. I remember how proud and happy I was after regaining the weight I'd lost, to where I couldn't feel my hip bones anymore. I was actually PROUD to have gained 20 pounds.
And now, while I hold steady at a weight gain of around 20 pounds per college year, I'm longing for those bonnie bygone days again. :P
Ok, so they weren't so bonnie. I couldn't eat and didn't know why, it made me miserable, and conveniently, most of my friends turned on me around that time too (this was in like, 8th grade, so if you're reading this you weren't one of them :P). Two of them, when I inquired as to why they were being so cold to me, informed me that I annoyed them because I was too bossy. Now, they were right, and I knew it... but being 13 or so, this wounded me, coming from 2 of my 3 best friends (the other, I decided later, was never a true friend anyway). So starting that very day I made it a point to give them their way. Whereas I used to suggest places to hang out during lunch period and the like, I instead sat quietly and waited for one of them to make the suggestion, then replied with a shrug and a "whatever" to whatever they suggested. Stuff like that. And you know what? They loved this. Every "whatever" I uttered brought at least one approving chuckle. So I said, oh look, when I was outspoken and expressive they blew me off; but when I just sit around moping and don't speak until spoken to, they like me. It worked, so it stuck. And I have lived by that code to this very day.
So for those of you who wondered why I became a hermit, now you know. :P And I'm quite sure those 2 girls will never get to read this... I don't even know where the heck they are now... but juuuuust in case they do... thank you, girls, for making me what I am today. I owe it all to you. And to the third "friend" who never called me bossy but was actually just stringing me along all through gradeschool, junior high, and early high school... thank you, too, for making me see what a true friend isn't. Since you gave me such a prolonged taste of servitude while never serving MY needs even once, I now know never to be anyone's wind-up toy again.
None of those girls will ever see that. But I felt it had to be said. I'm going to bed now. I should've done so an hour ago, but of course, I'm an idiot.
comment! (0)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 8/09/2002 02:53:00 AM
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