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feeling: pathetic... I suck
listening to: nothing
You know, it amazes me how old wounds tend to reopen and start gushing blood all over again multiple years after you thought they'd finally scabbed over for good. I keep saying none of those old scars bug me anymore, but then a couple times a year, something happens - or in this case, nothing happens at all - and results in kicking me headlong into that same old rut. I'm getting sick of that rut.
I'm not going to give the gory details here. This is one of those things more suited for a personal journal that you know no one will ever read (possibly until after you're dead, at which point it no longer matters), not for a blog that anyone with internet access can read and commit to memory and rag me about... particularly certain parties who've known me for a very, very long time and would very likely proceed to deny my existence after reading it. If you've ever said 'lubbya' to me, you don't fall into that category... but you probably knew that. :P I need to start keeping a password-protected livejournal or something...
Anyway, before I even had the chance to dwell on that reopened wound, this song came on the radio. That really old "I say a little prayer for you" song... the original version, with the catchy little hi-hat cymbal taps, as opposed to the newer version featured in My Best Friend's Wedding, or whatever that movie was. I never saw it. Anyway, I was listening to that song, and my first thought was how quickly it seemed to cheer me up. Blasted catchy old songs. But, then it brought up another thought: that seems to me like just the kind of song that a little group of long-time best friends would sing together at the top of their drunk-on-companionship lungs. Made me think of a few treasured moments from my past. Like standing around with a small group of friends in a gradeschool playground, ditching some nearby atlhetic event and opting instead to hang out under the stars and share a blanket and sing Alanis Morrisette songs as if no one else were alive to hear and injure ourselves laughing at our dorky 'censorship' of said songs. Swimming and water-wrestling and generally screwing around in a nice big pool all to ourselves, laughing till our jaws dislocate and crooning like drunks to every single song that comes on the nearby stereo. Leading a much larger group of people in a song started by only myself and a couple beloved buds - on the school bus, in the marching band after a football game or parade, at public events. Making an idiot of myself, but being surrounded by all my best friends who are doing the exact same thing so none of us has to feel retarded.
So the song that cheered me up by being perky put me right back under by reminding me of what I had, lost, got back, lost, got back, lost again, and never regained. What sucks is that I could've regained it if I'd wanted to, but at the time(s) I was just too bitter to care. Little do we know how decisions made in hard times can keep coming back to haunt us long after the bad times are gone.
None of that made sense. In a nutshell, tonight I realized - again - just how much it sucks being alienated. Especially when it's one's own fault. I'd be so much better off overall if I had a nice big group of friends to laugh and sing like drunks and screw around with. Everyone would be.
Now... I'm not saying I want to go BACK to the old days. I want to be the person I used to be, yes. But no matter how much I hate to admit it, I'm pushing 21 years of age. The 2 or 3 groups of friends I used to have, each at different times and each lost in different ways (which all happened to be my own fault), are in the past for good, and even if we did all become good friends again we wouldn't be able to go back to those times. Not because of bad blood - just because we've all grown up and moved on. I can miss it all I want, but I can never get it back. That's just... how it is.
I'm also not saying I don't appreciate what I do have now. Or I should say who I do have now. Who I do have now has given me more than any of the people in my past ever could have, and that can never be taken away. Even I can't screw this one up. :P
I still make no sense, I know. By the way, if you happen to be one of those precious few people who do fall into the categories above, of friends I had and loved and lost... well, I can't say with conviction that you're not one of them. Aside from like, two people, I don't know who reads this blog. You could leave me a comment or AIM me if you do, but... hey, that's up to you, eh? :3 Anyway, if you are one of those people, I'll take this opportunity to assure you that there are no hard feelings. I'll admit that there used to be, but only until I realized they were based on my own selfishness and self-pity. So don't feel bad about anything, and don't feel like you have to say anything to me. I really have moved on, even if I do occasionally experience relapses of that self-pity. So... no hard feelings on my part, and you don't have to do or say anything for my sake. I may feel like crap about it all at this particular moment, but it won't last long. Trust me, it happens now and then, and always goes away.
*slaps self*
Ok, I'm finished. I should be studying Japanese right now since it's back to class on Monday and I haven't gone over anything this past week and a half, so I'm likely to have forgotten half the stuff I learned last quarter. But, you know what? I don't feel like it. Surprise, surprise.
Wow, I also don't feel like starting a 'personal' journal with those gory details I mentioned way back in the second paragraph. See, told ya it doesn't take me long to get over this kinda thing. :P
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 3/29/2003 11:17:00 PM
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