 |
 |
feeling: like I've finally had my fill
listening to: nothing
Here's a little essay detailing the events of my summer. The main point is in the last half or so, so just skip down about halfway if you don't have a lot of time on your hands, like I do.
So, all my life, since I was old enough to notice, I never really belonged or fit in anywhere. I joined a lot of groups, hung out with a lot of people, took part in a lot of activities, all of which fit my greatest interests perfectly... but still there was always an emptiness that nothing could seem to fill. I didn't call it emptiness then though, because I wasn't sure what it was supposed to be... I thought I was just perpetually bored.
Then, back in late June while playing Ragnarok Online, my precious little jaded lone wolf of a thief, Raelin, whose character was designed to be forever alone and antisocial, actually joined a party. I was up till 4:30 that night having a blast with the other members. The next day I had a doc appointment, which is normally a bit nerveracking, but all I could think about was how much fun I'd had the night before and how I couldn't wait to get back to the gang when I got home. It was a great feeling.
Over the next few weeks it only got better... the party didn't hold up, but through it I made a couple of great friends who, as I later realized, efficiently fillled up that void I'd had in me all my life. I'm serious. Not only did I finally feel like I belonged somewhere, but I was actually right at the center of it all, and it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. The culmination of this was when I and those great friends formed a guild in which, once again, I was pretty much right at the center along with the one who'd spent most/all of his zeny to create it. Little Raelin was no longer alone, and in my mind I was changing her story to include her new friends, her beloved guild, and her discovery of what it's like to fit in and be important and needed. Yes, Raelin's a bit of an extension of myself, by the way, in case you didn't gather that by now.
I then had the best two months of my life. I finally fit in, I was important, I was cared about, and I was happier than I'd ever imagined possible. Like, my entire existence was nothing but happiness. Dumb as it sounds, I actually saw myself becoming an all-around better person now that I knew what it felt like to belong. I saw myself being more outgoing, relating more easily to people, feeling more motivated, and just being a better human being. That, I guess, is what happens when the emptiness you've felt all your life actually becomes filled. It's an awesome feeling which I'd recommend to anyone.
Then, late one night about a week and a half ago, one of those two great friends through whom I'd found happiness went from wanting nothing but happiness for me, to never wanting to speak to me again. He didn't tell me why, and he didn't give me a chance to say goodbye. He even went so far as to change his contact information and leave Ragnarok Online just so there'd be no chance of running into me again. And as he went, the other great friend I'd found at the same time seemed to begin avoiding me as well, I assume to sever any remaining ties I had to the friend who'd blocked me out of his life. And along with them went all that happiness I'd been basking in all summer long. After so many years I finally learned what belonging felt like, only to have it ripped away in the course of just a few minutes, once again leaving me with the same big hole I'd had up until June... only this time the hole was fresh and thus lined with rough, jagged edges, which hurt a lot more than nice smooth edges. Another thing that made it more painful was knowing full well what was supposed to be filling it, but knowing also that it was out of my reach.
Then, last night, my return to the land of unbelonging was made official when I logged onto Ragnarok Online and found that Raelin's guild, her home, the symbol of her finally belonging somewhere, was no more. Either it was destroyed by the creator (who once said he'd never destroy all that zeny and effort), or she alone was expelled. I may never know.
Anyway, for the sake of completeness, other highlights of this summer included my only living grandma being for all practical purposes on her death bed, my fish Sekiray heading down the same road as her, the effects of some weird physical affliction of my own that no doctor has been able to identify since I first had it examined 2 years ago, and various other stuff that effectively drowned out all that happiness I had until a week and a half ago. Funny how life flings all its crap at you all at the same time rather than giving you time in between throws to get over one before being crushed by the next.
Already I've almost forgotten what that happiness felt like. All I can feel now is that old emptiness, and after having plenty of free time to think about it (or I should say dwell on it, though not by choice), I'm now positive that there's only one thing that can fill it. One person, to be accurate. One person who has gone to all lengths possible to erase himself from my life. Maybe it's just the pain talking, but based on all this, isn't it kind of pointless to go through life hoping for a happy ending when I know that the only thing that can fill this hole is forever removed from me?
Some may recognize this quote from a previous blogged survey thing... "I fear: what would happen if I lost what I've just found." Well, that fear has been realized. What happened when I lost it? I lost interest in every aspect of my life, including the necessary stuff like eating and sleeping. At least before this summer, the edges of that hole were softened by the many interests and hobbies I occupied my mind with. But now even they do nothing for me. So the big rough-edged hole is now surrounded by a bunch of little tiny holes that, unlike the big one, were never there before.
One conclusion I've made in these past eleven days was that a person who just sits around being useless 24/7 and does nothing to benefit this world doesn't deserve to be rewarded with happiness. I fit that description. I don't deserve happiness, I don't deserve love, and therefore I don't deserve him. Maybe that's why he left. But, for some unknown reason, life gave me a taste of all three of those things anyway, even though I didn't deserve them. And you know what? Something in me had the sense to grab that happiness while I had the chance, to cling to it for all I was worth for as long as I possibly could. I threw away my doubts and accepted it. And despite how much it hurt when I lost it, I'll never, ever regret it.
The lesson here: if life offers you something so great you don't think you deserve it, prove to life that you're not an idiot, and take it anyway. Don't get so overcome by your doubts that you throw away what could be the best thing to ever happen to you. If you spend all your life questioning whether or not you deserve the blessings you've been given, you'll just end up refusing them all, and you'll never know what happiness is.
That's my essay. It might also be my last post. It's gotten to where updating this blog is just a chore, much like everything else I've tried to do lately... and it's been pretty pointless since the day I created it anyway. But ultimately, life's been having its fun with me for years now, and in these past couple weeks, it finally won. So off into the blue I fly. If you're Dumpling, don't worry... I'll explain all if you want, just ask before I go on Sunday. If you're one of the two aforementioned friends that briefly filled the void in my life this summer... thanks for showing me what happiness feels like. I'll never forget any of it. If either of you ever want to pick up where we left off, I'll keep myself available to you both up until this Sunday... after which I can make no promises right now. If you're anyone else... thanks for being interested enough to read this, I guess. So... sayounara, adios, au revoir, arrivederci, auf weidersehen, goodbye, no black and white in blue, etc etc.
comment! (0)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 9/16/2003 10:27:00 PM
|
|
