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feeling: like there's a big hole right here *points to chest*
listening to: nothing
I guess I should consider myself lucky to have parents who care so much about my well-being that they make it their mission to pry from me exactly why I've been a useless, appetiteless, sleepless, cheerless husk for the past week. They've made pretty much every guess under the sun except the right one. Kinda wish I could tell them what's wrong, because I feel bad for worrying them, but this is just not the kind of thing me and my parents discuss. It never has been. Besides, Dumplin's more than willing to listen to me rant and rave and whine and grieve for hours on end. Maybe she can't give me the same kind of happiness that he did, and maybe she can't fill that giant hole he left in my being, but thanks to her at least I can still have some kind of happy left somewhere in me. I hope that came out the way I wanted it to. I thank God every day for her.
But I still haven't solved my dilemma from the previous blog. Though, lately I often catch myself thinking I'd better cling to those good memories and remember that my entire being was happier during those last few weeks than it's ever been in my life. Because from where I stand now it's hard to imagine ever being that happy again, unless he changes his mind, of course. Hear that? If you change your mind I won't turn you away. Don't rule it out, either... we all know how frequently you can change your mind. :P
Anyway... maybe remembering the good times will be easier once the shock and numbness finally wear off. But still, there's only 2 ways this big stupid hole in me can ever be filled: 1) knowing the two of us are at least still on good terms, or 2) him coming back and letting us pick up where we left off. I know a person like me doesn't deserve the kind of happiness I had up until last Friday night, but since life gave me a taste of it anyway, can't I just be indulged one last time with one of those two options? Just this once? Either one would really help...
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 9/11/2003 09:13:00 PM
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