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feeling: my eyes are burning
listening to: Cyndi Lauper - Time After Time
Well, I've found at least part of the answer to the question posted in my previous blog. The "what's wrong with me" question, in case you forgot. The solution I found: I'm a selfish brat.
To clarify... all I've ever done in the relationships I've had to date was look out for myself, only seeking my own happiness and expecting my friends to just provide it whether I gave them reason to or not. If they didn't provide it, I'd turn cold toward them, leading them to give up on me and seek friendship elsewhere; if they did provide it, I'd get spoiled and just bask in the gift, not even thinking that it might be good of me to do something to return the favor. When I look back on all the friendships I've lost in my life, at least one of these two scenarios fits into every single one.
So to all of you who've experienced this part of me and didn't want to say anything, and those of you who did say something but I didn't listen, and everyone else who's ever had to put up with my selfish friendship: I am sorry. If I had the time and resources to visit about a dozen households in 3 or 4 different states, I would dedicate the next few days to showing up on every single one of your doorsteps, asking for forgiveness in person, and swearing to somehow, someday, make up for the time and effort I took from you during our time as friends. But since I don't know where half of you are now, I hope you'll accept a blogged apology instead. I don't think I can just change who I am, since I've been this way for this long already... but I'd certainly be willing to try if any of you want me to. I'm sick of this me anyway, and surely you are as well... so the change would do me good if I can manage it.
I'm not really sure how I stumbled across this realization, but it was at one of those times during the past week or so in which I was actually starting to get over the depression I'd sunk into a couple Fridays back. Needless to say the realization that I was a spoiled brat didn't help much in my getting over it, and therefore, once again my mood has plummeted. Also, I'm still not even sure if this selfishness thing is the only answer to the question in my previous blog... there may be more to it than I'll ever know, but that doesn't mean I won't keep asking myself in utter futility. So if I still seem depressed and pathetic for a while after this, it's only because I am.
I don't expect anything from anyone reading this; I just wanted all of you to know I'm sorry for being a spoiled brat. Do what you will with my apology, forgive me if you want, or don't if you don't. Just know that I feel sufficiently detestable for being like this to everyone I've ever cared about.
It's kinda funny how you can get all depressed because there are questions you can't seem to answer, and then when you DO find an answer, it only makes you even more depressed... how does that work...?
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 10/21/2003 01:32:00 AM
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