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feeling: my stomach hurts
listening to: nothing
Yes, I know this blog has recently become nothing more than a place to stash quick pointless thoughts, time-killer surveys, and amusing quiz results. I've actually done more 'meaningful' blogging in my AIM subprofile's mini-journal thing than I have here in the past several weeks. But I'm back to Blogspot this time with another big pile of crap that I need to get out of my system before it totally corrodes my insides. Despite the fact that it's 2:20 a.m. and thus very close to my bedtime, I'll be spending quite some time on this one. So either get comfortable or get lost.
Those who have followed the aforementioned mini-journal in my subprofile should know that I managed to get myself all depressed again a few days ago, as happens a couple times every year. This particular time, the reason was my realization that I just have nothing to offer anyone and therefore have never been able to keep a friend. Check my subprofile for the details if you so desire. Anyway, I did what I could to push it all aside so I could concentrate on the pile of work I had to do. Then I went to history class today - possibly the most agonizingly boring class I've ever had to take, which means I usually spend the majority of the hour and 48 minutes of class time lost in my own thoughts while the professor stands up front lecturing on and on about stuff I should probably be paying attention to for the midterm but could really care less about. Anyway, today I made it a point to try to pay attention and take decent notes. Then, about half an hour before the end of the class, he ended the lecture and spent the rest of the period talking about a recent graded assignment. Soon as he started on this subject, my mind started wandering, and I found myself picking at old emotional scabs that I thought had already healed. I'm good at that. Give you three guesses as to what my thoughts drifted to, and if you've been any part of my life at all since September 5 or so, you shouldn't need the first two guesses.
Bingo - I thought about how that very close friend I had who suddenly decided one day to permanently cut me out of his life. Seriously, I've been fine about that whole deal these past couple weeks... I've heard through mutual acquaintances that he's doing particularly well with his life lately and it genuinely cheered me up to learn this. I feel I should also point out that this has nothing to do with any feelings I had for him that were stronger than just friendship. The thing is, I'm the kind of person who takes my friendships extremely seriously; when I have a genuine best friend, I think about him/her ALL the time, day and night. This held true for Asai and my 'guy' several years ago, it continues to hold true for Dumplin', and it held true for him, even after he cut me out of his life. And part of caring that much about someone is wanting them to be happy, no matter what... so when I learned of the recent events in his life that indicated things were finally going his way after several months of failure (for lack of a better word), I was honestly happy. Even after I got myself depressed in the first place Friday night, when I thought about that, it cheered me up despite myself.
But today something was different, and I found myself concentrating instead on the fact that he went to all lengths possible to completely cut me out of his life. Me, no one else. And that made me realize that I had to have done, said, or been something that severely disgusted him to make him want to do that. At the time he said it had nothing to do with me, that it was all him, but today I realized that that couldn't have been true... I was the only one who got this ultimate cold shoulder treatment, no one else; so the reasons had to have something to do with me. Which led me to ask myself the question that has been rolling around in my mind ever since Professor Brown ended his lecture today:
What is wrong with me?
It's a question I don't expect I'll ever know the answer to. I know that anyone who reads this (besides Dumplin') will lie to me and say there's nothing wrong with me at all just to try to make me feel better or whatever. Either that or they won't say anything at all, which is a heck of a lot more likely. So I'll never know what it is about me that has made every true friend I've ever had decide to throw me out with last month's leftovers. I'll never know, and thus I'll never know how to go about correcting the problem, and thus it will be with me for the rest of my life, with the same results every time. Which means I'll never really be able to have/keep any friends, now or in the future. Either he didn't think of that when he cut me off back in early September, or I disgusted him so much that he truly didn't care. Something else that I guess I'll never know, that will torment me forever.
These were the thoughts that first entered my mind half an hour before history class ended today. For the rest of the period I sat there willing him to just shut up and dismiss the class so I could go home and be alone and finally let out the choking sobs I'd been fighting back for the sake of courtesy to the rest of the class. I still haven't had a chance to have that sob session, though. But I have a feeling it'll take me a while to get to sleep tonight, because it always does... plenty of time, I guess.
There is no pity party here. I say so because more than likely anyone reading all this crap sees it as one giant cry for attention. But to be honest, I hate it when people pity me, because it makes me feel really small and pathetic, like I'm so far below them it's useless to try and bring myself up again. That's part of how I've become so skilled at holding in my emotions and thoughts over the years - avoiding others' pity. But after today, I feel small and pathetic and useless enough anyway that it really doesn't make any difference anymore if anyone decides to pity me over this. That and I needed to get it out before it tore me to shreds. I may be good at keeping my emotions locked up inside with no adverse effects, but I do have my limits, and this particular situation was dancing right along that borderline.
So there you have it. By the way, based on this, it's looking like this blog does still serve as a pretty suitable place to dump my thoughts when there are no vacancies in my brain and they have nowhere else to go... so I guess I won't be abandoning it like I semi-planned to about a month ago.
comment! (2)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 10/15/2003 03:18:00 AM
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: 6:24 AM