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feeling: stomach hurts again
listening to: X Japan - The Last Song
Depressed anew. Doesn't seem to take much these days. Maybe it's the 3-essay history midterm that I haven't started yet that's looming over my head. Putting all my effort into putting it off, especially on a weekend, only leads to hours upon hours of boredom and blankness, which leaves me with plenty of time to think, whether I want to or not. Not to mention lots of dead time that, a couple months ago, I would've been spending talking with a best friend who 1) cheered me up no matter what, 2) somehow motivated me to do better, and 3) is no longer there. It's hard walking through dead space when you know exactly what's supposed to be filling it and that it's out of your reach for reasons beyond your control.
I really was doing better this week. The first 3 episodes of Love Generation and the 3 Matsu Takako songs I managed to download really were aiding my recovery. But then for some reason The Last Song popped into my head and I had to listen to it, and it's impossible not to get depressed listening to that song.
Plus, last night I had a dream that I had to have a double surgical procedure somewhere in my abdominal region, which I think hit a little too close to home. My stomach hurt when I recorded it in my newly birthed dream log, and a few hours later those same stupid 4-year-old symptoms started to show up again. I would say I should see a doctor, but I kind of did... years ago... and two normal exams, two runs of medications, half a dozen blood tests, and an upper GI test did nothing to uncover or solve the problem.
But I'm tangenting.
Anyway, so between the essay midterm looming over my head, hours upon hours of boredom resulting from trying to put it off, The Last Song, and my stupid health taking a nose dive, I had lots of time to think tonight. Somehow I realized that he left with the impression stuck in his head that I regretted ever getting close to him. I know that's the exact opposite of the truth - if I hadn't gotten attached I still wouldn't know what happiness is, plus I'd have missed out on a spunkload of great memories - but he doesn't know. I tried to tell him but he ran off again before I had a chance to finish typing. I don't want him living with the impression that I regret ever having been his friend, but I can't tell him the truth for reasons beyond my control. All that stands between us is that AIM window, but it might as well be a fortified wall as wide as the universe with a foundation as deep as the Ninth Circle (hey look, that's almost a metaphor). If I could tell him the truth, or just somehow make sure he knows it and isn't stuck believing the wrong thing, I think that would help... but not like there's anything I can do about it.
Besides that, I also realized tonight for the first time in... well, a while... how much I miss that mood puppy. If I could get in a time machine and go back exactly 2 months, we'd still be up talking and having a blast right now, and that stupid midterm would be the furthest thing from my mind. But even after this long I just can't get myself into the 'we won't be talking like that ever again' mindset. I tried, but something beyond the power of my own will refuses to let me. If I were one of those cheesy dorky daydreamy types, I'd say something like "fate has destined our reunion so there's no use giving up", but I'm trying my darndest not to be that cheesy dorky daydreamy type. But fudge it all, it's a lot easier leaning toward that than it is to believe the 'we won't be talking like that ever again' one. Someone out there knows something I don't, and it's gonna kill me trying to figure it out.
...There's one verse in The Last Song that I can not work out a decent translation for, and go figure, it's the one stuck in my head... kizutsuku dake kizutsuite wakatta hazu no kotae o doushite mada dou ikaketeru... but meh. The best line is still 'cause forever fades anyway. Back to listening to that song now. Need to cry, and nothing speeds up the process more than a good melancholy 10+ minute J-rock song.
While I do that...
x. father thinks I: could rule the world if I put my mind to it
x. mother thinks I: put things off way too much
x. my boyfriend/girlfriend thinks I: ...don't exist?
x. it makes me happy that: Love Generation 4-6 is finally being seeded again
x. it upsets me that: I can't make my friends see that I'd do anything for any of them
yes or no...
x. you keep a diary: no, but there is this blog
x. you like to cook: only in the microwave
x. you have a love: everyone loves something
x. you set your watch a few minutes ahead: no
x. you bite your fingernails: no, I managed to kill that habit about half a year ago
x. you believe in love: a really witty, sarcastic answer escapes me at the moment, so I'll just be straight and say yes
2. Do You...?
take a shower everyday: I skip a day frequently, because it takes me an hour to shower and I can't really afford to lose another hour every single day
have a(any) crush(es): no
think/know you've been in love: sure
want to get married: no
have any tattoos/where?: no
piercings/where?: ears, but I haven't worn earrings since senior prom
get motion sickness: no, but I get headaches when I read in a moving vehicle
think you're a health freak: in terms of diet and exercise, no, but I'm paranoid about actually getting sick... if I know someone's sick I'll avoid them like the plague whether they're contagious or not
get along with your parents: yes
like thunderstorms: only when I'm watching them from indoors (that sounds familiar...)
( IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, HAVE YOU.... )
CRIED? no
HELPED SOMEONE? I don't think so
BOUGHT SOMETHING? no, except a meal, but that was on a meal plan
GOTTEN SICK? no
GONE TO THE MOVIES? no
GONE OUT FOR DINNER? yes, but I brought it back to my dorm to eat it
SAID "I LOVE YOU"? no
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER? no
TALKED TO AN EX? nooo... what ex...?
MISSED AN EX? see above
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL? that's a pretty stupid question, is it not?
TALKED TO SOMEONE YOU CRUSH ON? no
HAD A SERIOUS TALK? no
MISSED SOMEONE? yes, and if you read the first half of this you'd have seen this
HUGGED SOMEONE? no
FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS? no
FOUGHT WITH A "FRIEND"? no
name 5 bands/artists you've listened to in the past 24 hours:
1. Matsu Takako
2. X Japan
3. Do As Infinity... that's about it actually, so...
4. Ayumi Hamasaki (in my head only)
5. INOJ (in my head only)
Would You Ever..
1. Eat a bug? people eat bugs in their sleep on a surprisingly frequent basis
2. Bungee jump? sure
3. Hang glide? I've wanted to do that since I was very tiny, because we lived right down the road from a hang gliding point, and we saw gliders all the time... I used to wave at them... heh
4. Kill someone? no
5. Have sex with someone you don't love? no
6. Kiss someone of the same sex? maybe :P
7. Have sex with someone of the same sex? no
8. Parachute from a plane? sure
9. Walk on hot coals? not without combat boots
10. Go out with someone for their looks? not unless they had a personality to match
11. For their reputation? no
12. Be a vegetarian? no
13. Wear plaid with stripes? not in public
14. IM a stranger: not really, they always IM me first
15. Sing karaoke? only as a duet or group
16. Get drunk off your ass? no
17. Shoplift? no
18. Run a red light? not on purpose :P
19. Star in a porn video? no
20. Dye your hair blue? not all of it... streaks in the front perhaps, but not permanently
21. Be on Survivor? no
22. Wear makeup in public? if the situation called for it... but only if it called REALLY loud
23. NOT wear makeup in public? I hate wearing makeup
24. Cheat on a test? it's been done
25. Make someone cry? not intentionally... if I have in the past, I wasn't informed
26. Call your math teacher a motherfucker? I haven't, and I'll never have to take any more math again, so no, can't say I would
27. Kick a baby? no
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 10/26/2003 04:14:00 AM
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