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feeling: suspicious... no, heck... let's just say scared
listening to: 93.3... Christmas music
Cantata was disappointing. I had to sit in the back row this year for some stupid reason that I'm sure makes no sense... the sopranos have ALWAYS been in front, especially the little long-established 'trio' of me, Asai, and Asai2. They moved 3 of us back this year. I don't get it. Terri said they just wanted to have all the soloists in the front row and non-soloists in back with the men, but like... less than half the front row had solos. One important soloist stayed in the back row too, and the most treasured member of the choir whom we absolutely couldn't survive without *cough* didn't have a solo, yet she remained in front too. Someone else has never sat in front before, and didn't have a solo, but she was moved to the front. This year was royally screwy. And we only did 5 songs, only 2 of which do anything at all for me, and that's not saying much... and we didn't do Carol of the Bells a capella at the end like we usually do, which is usually my favorite part. I'm not even gonna go into why not... I had a big personal rant session last night about that and I don't feel like dragging it up again. But yeah. This year kinda sucked for me... that's a first. I'm really hoping next year will be back to relative normalcy... choir is one of the few reasons I ever go to church anymore (the 2 others being Linda and my parents), and if it continues to suck I might have to just give up. Hate that idea.
So now that the cantata's failed me, I still have no Christmas spirit. I like the idea that it's coming and I can't wait to hang with Dumplin' on Christmas Eve, but other than that... nothing. What is wrong with me? I still think that stupid Mariah song I mentioned a couple posts ago hits too close to home and is screwing me up this year. Erg.
It dawned on me recently that I really miss what I had about 5 years ago, and I can never have it back. We're still friendly, but it can never be the same again. We've just grown our separate ways. Why do people have to grow up? I'd be happy if I could've stayed 15 or so... which is kinda sad, cause that's about the age when most people go through all that adolescent angst/depression stuff. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that... happens to everyone. It just happened to me about 5 years late. I never asked to grow up...
Heh, Willard said he was gonna go to bitter person hell, and I to bitter person heaven... it'll take me a while to figure that one out :P Seriously though... I honestly haven't been bitter in several years. Life's too short to be bitter. I just sit around and quietly ache to death by myself instead.
On top of all that, it feels like my last chance is standing in front of me again... but I don't know what to do, what to say... and I have a feeling whatever I decide, I'll end up regretting, because I just can't win. It's a law.
Add all of that up, and the end result is a depressed me. Again. Making myself depressed is my greatest skill. Actually, no... that doesn't really take any skill these days... my greatest skill, I think, is refraining from doing anything to feel better. Haven't decided if that's thanks to willpower or just stupidity. Probably the latter.
...remember that last chance thing? I think it just slipped away again... man, life really sucks right now
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 12/22/2003 12:52:00 AM
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