 |
 |
feeling: don't know anymore
listening to: Matsu Takako - Yume no Shizuku (Drops of a Dream)
Last night I wrote a little self-narrative thing of a scenario I envisioned regarding the basis of my most recent catfight with depression. See the last blog and/or my newest subjournal post if you forgot what that is. I think I'm losing to it now... it's getting harder and harder to resist just throwing these last few years away and hurling myself wide open into a side of Life I never wanted anything to do with. I thought maybe writing it all down in that little story thing would drain it out of my mind for good, because that's worked before... but instead I find myself wanting to read it over and over... and then write more. But every time I do, I lose another battle. Don't worry, I'm not hurting really... this isn't pain... more like confusion, longing, self-depreciation, annoyance, and maybe a little shame, all at once. Ok, maybe a little pain. But it's just a side effect, and a small one.
I know, I know... this is the third or fourth time I've ranted about this... so why haven't I even said what's actually going on? There's a reason, trust me. Of all the things I've done and been through, this is the one that I'd really rather not lay out in the open. It's a cruel weakness as it is; letting it run free will only weaken me more, and once I hit a certain point other people will start driving nails of their own into the weak spot, and it'll be one of those vicious cycle things. I'm more likely to win this war if I keep it to myself. So don't think I don't trust you, because odds are if you're here reading this, you're one of the scant few people I do trust. Sorry for worrying you, and for being all secretive... but I need to vent this stuff now and then or it really eats away at me. I just can't vent in full detail.
I have the coolest calendar ever this year. It's tigers... not all white tigers like last year's, which was awesome too... but the images in this new one are infinitely better. Don't ask me why. They're just so much cooler to look at. I love this calendar.
This quarter is... interesting so far. Four classes, and I only needed to buy books for one of them, plus a lab manual for another one, which barely counts. My psych teacher is a riot... I lost count of how many times everyone in lecture this morning just burst out laughing at something he said. I'm gonna like this guy, I think. The main teacher of my Japanese (language) class, the one who replaced Terashima-sensei starting this quarter, is 7 months pregnant, so it'll be interesting to see who fills her role when she ducks out on maternity leave in March or so. And I swear my geology professor somehow shares DNA with Woody Allen. It's creepy and funny at the same time. Oh, on that note, yesterday we found out that the class our geology classroom is used for in the time slot before our class (did that confuse you enough?) is taught by Dr. Foland, who taught the geology class I was in last spring. So I'll probably see him several times throughout the quarter, which is pretty cool. Everyone liked him... he has this twinkle in his eyes that tells you he's absolutely passionate about the stuff he's teaching, and somehow there's this... gentleness to him. Weird as that sounds, it was always encouraging. Plus, he brought us cookies and candy all the time, which was even more encouraging. :3
It is really, really cold this week. Yesterday just before the sun went down, it was 9 degrees, wind chill not included. I don't really like the feeling of that subzero wind numbing my face to the point of pain, but... it's funny. Overall I love this weather. I feel normal in the cold, like I'm in my natural element or something. Plus, walking through the cold always kicks my brain into gear in a good way... hard to explain... I'd almost generalize it as a poetic feeling. It's even better when it's snowing... big, fat snowflakes pouring down so thick you can't see across the street, covering everything in glittering white... I could just stand outside for hours watching a scene like that, dumb smile on my face, oblivious to the temperature. I know, I'm weird. Winter rules.
Finally, I've realized lately that I have this thing about honey. Yes, honey. Honey butter, honey mustard, honey in tea, honey chicken, honey Pretz :P... honey. I'm not sure where it came from, but... mmmmm, honey...
All right, no more weirdness for now. I'm gonna go kill time doing something besides homework, like the infinitely cool genius that I am.
~EDIT: thought I'd add that I also got a Miho T-shirt for Christmas... it wasn't included in the list a few blogs back because we got one for Dumplin' too and it took them forever to get us the right one... but now they finally did so I'm putting it here :P
comment! (0)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 1/07/2004 02:57:00 PM
|
|
