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feeling: like closing my eyes and never opening them again
listening to: Dir en Grey - Embryo (what, again?)
I had typed up half of a really cool blog last night while I was waiting for a bunch of new Gackt and Malice Mizer conquests to finish downloading, but then my computer crashed and I lost it. Again. Story of my life.
Something in my brain is looking forward to going home this weekend. I don't have a clue what it is. Home is boring lately, especially without my computer there. Plus, I have a midterm on Monday (what kind of fool teacher has exams on Mondays?? *flex claws*) that I'll have to spend at least part of the weekend studying for. Part of it involves memorizing the geologic time scale. You know... Phanerozoic eon, Paleozoic through Cenozoic eras, Cambrian through Quaternary periods, or whatever the most recent one is... what is it, eon, then era, then period, then epoch? Whatever. I'll know by Monday. Not that I'll ever, EVER have use for this stupid scale again in my entire life, but that doesn't excuse me from having to memorize the entire furking thing. Stupid rock class.
Mmmm... Kyo's voice in this song... watashi no ai shita mono o subete kaeshite... *melt* Of course, this is the tame version of the song... the one I can't find a translation for, and the one they released as a single for airplay and TV appearances and such. I'm still looking for the album version, which is the one I alluded to a couple posts ago about the little girl whose papa rapes her. Ah, J-rock.
*ahem*
I think I figured out something about myself recently. Something that explains a lot about who I am and why I like the things I do and why I feel the way I do about junk and etc etc. Short version... I hate boundaries. You know, the whole idea that everything and everyone on this planet has to fit snugly into some tightly bounded category or another. No, this isn't another anti-stereotype speech. In fact, stereotypes are a good thing, in theory. Like it or not, there are proven historical, behavioral, and physical differences between different races of people. We are not all the same. There is more difference between whites and blacks than just skin color. This, however, does not mean that one race is better than the other, or that either should have any rights that the other doesn't. But this is what stereotyping is based on. It's when idiots take those stereotypes and twist them into out-and-out discrimination that it becomes a bad thing.
Anyway, back to the point. I hate boundaries. I hate that all people have to be categorized based on their physical properties, their families, their interests, their gender, their looks, their role in society, etc etc. No, it's not just a stereotype thing. I'm not a feminist, I don't believe in affirmative action, and it has nothing to do with equality - really, I don't really believe in equality either, beyond the legislative aspects of the term.
It's hard to explain... ok, so take the superficial example of music. How many times have you been asked what your favorite song, band, and/or music genre is? If you're actually able to give one concrete answer to any of those, from that point you belong to a category. Of people who like this band above all others, of people who only listen to this genre of music, whatever. (Keep in mind that I called this a superficial example for a reason - your music taste does NOT determine who you are. it's just an example of categorization.) You'll be loved and respected by other members of that category, and possibly looked down upon by people in other categories. Right? Right. So what about those of us who can't for all the gold in China name a favorite song, band, or music genre? What about those of us who happily listen to anything from Shania Twain to Puff Daddy to Metallica? To anything from Ayumi Hamasaki to Chemistry to Dir en Grey? And everything in between? That's where I fit in. But that's not really a category, is it? I don't like EVERYthing, but I don't dislike everything either. It's shallow, but I've been made to feel pretty darn excluded from the rest of the immediate world based solely on my taste in music.
But that's probably the most superficial example I can think of. So here's a deeper example, one of the potentially most socially damning ones out there: love. Who's to say which people are allowed to love or be loved, and which aren't? Where is there a law that love has to follow any rules, that every couple in love has to fit the same universal standards? Love for a given person the same no matter who's the one doing the loving. When I say love, by the way, I'm talking the pure kind... not the kind where all you're after is quick pleasure (which is not love anyway, but some people think it is, so I figured I'd throw in the disclaimer). If love is pure, what does it matter if it's between two people who are exactly the same or exact opposites? If every person could honestly allow themselves the freedom to love whoever they wanted, this world would probably be a heck of a more pleasant place to live. But instead, people have to restrict themselves behind boundaries. 'I can't love that person because they're ____ and I'm not' and such.
You know what? I can't really explain it any better without making myself sound bisexual. So I'm just gonna stop there before I'm labeled as such.
Heh, this is where at one point some girl I knew a long time ago would've said "I'm not bi, I'm just open-minded." That's a great example though. Why can't everyone be like her?
...like I said, I should probably stop digging myself in deeper. >_>;
Point is, I hate boundaries. Things and people in this world weren't designed to just fit comfortably into one category apiece. There's not supposed to be any kind of universal equality. There are shared characteristics, yes, but that doesn't mean every male is supposed to be exactly the same, every Caucasian is supposed to be exactly the same, every Jew is supposed to be exactly the same, etc etc. Even within categories we do fit into whether we want to or not, there will be variation. And that's how it's supposed to be. You shouldn't have to retreat into your little tightly bounded category just to be happy in life. For example, what if you're a female, and the only company you're ever happy in is with other females? If you're so stuck on hiding within that category of "little girls like little boys," will you ever allow yourself to be happy? Or what if you're a male, and you'd rather live in comfort than run around all day every day feeling like your clothing is squishing your organs and muscles flat? Ok, so maybe that's a bad justification for drag queens :P... but personally, if I had to deal with nothing but discomfort and stress in life, I'd rather have that one little part of me be comfortable if I had the chance, even if it meant wearing stuff people in my category don't normally wear. Why should anyone be socially ostracized for doing what makes them happy, comfortable, etc?
By the way, I am a female who wears women's clothing and enjoys staring at the occasional tight male butt. So don't get any ideas. :p
But see, if everyone were as open-minded as me, this world would be a veritable utopia.
>.>;
Yeah... anyway.
So this morning as I was out walking to my first class of the day, my eyes teared up for no apparent reason. That's the third morning in a row they've done that. What is that about? Maybe my eyes run when it's really cold, instead of my nose? Weird. Eh well... another boundary to dance all over while laughing maniacally. The one between those whose noses run in the cold and those whose noses don't run in the cold. :P
Ok, now I'm just bored and ranting. I'm gonna go take that Dir en Grey ass quiz again just because it's funny.
Bye bye... bye bye... bye bye... bye bye... mother... *swoons all over Kyo*
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 1/30/2004 05:21:00 PM
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