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feeling: ...
listening to: nothing
I just found out my great uncle Ray died. He was one of the two elderly (90+ aged) living-alone relatives we only seemed to go visit at Christmas time... he hadn't been well for a long time... he often talked about how uncomfortable and alone he was, and how tough it was just getting by day-to-day, and even that he would prefer to just pass on sooner than later, that he'd lived with it all for long enough. A couple weeks or so ago, he fell and broke his hip, and they decided that was a good time to put him in a nursing home for therapy... and that was when they found the stomach and pancreas cancer. They couldn't operate, and he left specific instructions to not resuscitate... and then he was gone. I just wonder how long the cancer was in him before they found it... years and years, likely...
You know, it's astronomically likely that I'll end up exactly like him, or like his sister, the other 90+ relative we only see around Christmas. Neither of them ever married, and after their closest family members died, they each lived alone for who knows how long, with their only relatives being of the niece and nephew variety, all of whom only visit a few times a year at most. They live alone for ages, they can barely move, let alone do things that require leaving the house, until the cancer sets in and festers for God knows how long before something happens to lead them actually finding out about it, meaning they just suffer with it for possibly years and years. No, by the way, no one knows if my great aunt has cancer, and probably never will until her dying day or shortly before.
That's going to be me in another 3/4 of a century. I know it is. Think about it. If I've had no one up to now, who am I going to have after I leave the ever-socially-active (unless you're me) college scene and find a place to live on my own? I've already decided not to pollute this world with offspring. In fact, if it weren't for 1) the physical risks involved and 2) the fact that there's about a .02% chance that me childbearing will ever be a concern anyway, I'd go have any chance of me bearing young physically eliminated. And since I only have one sibling, and I'm not sure I can see him being responsible for any more kids, once my older relatives die I'll have only one nephew left, and somehow I can't imagine him visiting his ailing elderly hermit of an aunt any more than he has to. Nor his kids, if he has any.
Plus, it's pretty much a given that I'll end up with some kind of cancer, or at least some painful chronic disorder. Ray was the second older relative on my mom's side that I've known to die of (or with) pancreatic cancer, and we won't even go into the medical mess on my dad's side of the tree. Plus, I'm a female, which thwacks up my cancer risks by that much in itself, and I'm not exactly the most physically fit female, either. That's my own fault, I know, but be honest - how many people under the age of, like, 20 or so, live their young lives planning solely for a cancer-free future? At least I don't drink or smoke, and I have no caffeine addiction. Yet. But there's still plenty of other organs and bones and various other masses in this body that are plenty cancer-prone. Even my zodiac sign is Cancer. *cough*
Of course, nothing is set in stone. Life might decide to have mercy and free me from its shackles long before the decades following the 2060s or so become a concern. But then, when did Life ever have mercy on me before?
I'm not complaining or crying for attention, by the way. I've known most of this for a long time anyway. Ray's passing just put me in the mood to contemplate it all, I guess.
You know what else? Some stupid 24-hour flu bug thing is spreading like wildfire around here right now. Which makes me paranoid. Because for me, when all's said and done, 24 hours amounts to more like 2 months. I wouldn't have lost four jeans sizes if that hadn't happened last year at the end of spring break. A couple sizes maybe, but not until later, and not four. If I end up with that bug, I'm gonna blow away in the wind by the end of summer.
Time to go get stuff ready for the weekend now. I'm gonna miss all my Diru music... *sigh*
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 2/13/2004 04:49:00 PM
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