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feeling: like my mind is on speed, but the rest of me is drunk
listening to: Dir en Grey - Audrey
I'm long overdue for a blog full of just random musings. So here's one. And I'll warn you, when I say random, I mean random. But stick around, because the end is important.
First off, I realized that I have a fond obsession with independently mobile ears. Especially stand-up ears, like on cats and horses... not so much floppy ears like on dogs and rabbits. Ears look so cool when they're swiveling back and forth in all directions, flattened back, drooping down, pricked straight up, sorta half-drooped as in either shy or lazy... man, I wish I had cat ears, just so I could portray any emotion in the book just by flicking one or both of them one way or another. Long cup-shaped ears like horses and stuff have are even better about that. And llamas. Every time I watch The Emperor's New Groove, especially the scene where llama Cuzco is walking through the jungle talking about his "innate sense of di-rec-tion", I just wanna tug on his ears and, like, braid them together or something. But I wouldn't want them on me, cause they'd look too long and gawky on a human head. Cat ears would fit better.
I think I have senioritis. Since I started college, I have NEVER been as lazy and unmotivated as I've been these last few months. I leave for class about 5 minutes later than I used to, I put off my homework even later than before and find myself caring less and less when I don't get it all finished in time, I even put off simple effortless tasks like emailing and posting on forums and messaging my AIM friends (friends is a strong word, but work with me here) and reading. Reading, for Bob's sake. When you're too lazy to sit down for half an hour or an hour or 3 hours or however long, doing nothing but letting your eyes drag across a piece of paper, you know you've taken a downward turn. >.>
Speaking of that, I need to plan details of my graduation party. I already know I'm going to serve at least some Japanese food... if nothing else, a bowl of varying flavors of Pocky. Some cool little Japanese finger foods would be great too, but I can't think of anything besides sushi, which I don't think would go over too well with a lot of my relatives. People from a little backwoods town like mine hear "sushi" - or even just "Japanese food" - and they automatically think "Ewww, raw fish and octopus." >_< I need to educate these people with some good Japanese snackage that's not loaded with raw seafood or rice. But unfortunately, I guess I spend too much time around them, because I can't think about anything else either. :P Any ideas, anyone?
I hate all my classes this quarter. They're ALL writing classes. I hate having just one writing class in a given quarter, let alone three. >< Psycholinguistics is the least evil though... all I have to do is is show up for class, turn in some simple credit-or-no-credit exercises, attend a couple experiments or talks (gimme grade, AND it's extra credit if I do two of them), and write a handful of "thought papers," which are in about the most flexible format possible. I can write a page, or I can write eight pages, whatever I end up with. Don't need to cite any sources or go out of my way to find and list sources I probably won't even use. All we have to do is demonstrate that we're in some way thinking about the material in the class. Best thing is, I think there's like 6 of them, but only the best 3 grades will count toward the final grade, so I can slack on half of them. ^^
There's a new duck on Mirror Lake that I've never seen until the past week or so. Normally all we have is mallards, domestic white ducks/geese, the occasional wood duck (though I haven't seen our wood duck pair in a couple years :\ ), and if the season's right, a few Canadian geese. But now we have this duck that's... some kind of striking black and white pattern. I haven't gotten close enough to it yet to know any more than that. I have GOT to figure out what that duck is.
It is so cold today. All this week we're supposed to have lows in the 30s, and lots of rain, and maybe even snow. Last week was gorgeous - 60s or 70s all week, sunny, not rainy, not humid at all. The week before that was even colder than it's supposed to be this week, even more rainy, and, if I recall, snowy. Between that week and the one before it, we had high temps that varied between the 30s and the 80s. I HATE spring in Ohio.
Bras are really dang uncomfortable too. *fidget*
That song My Immortal by Evanescence is SO overplayed. Don't get me wrong, I like the song (rhyme time! :P)... but I've only been awake for about 4 hours today, and I've already heard it on the radio twice. And I don't even listen to the radio, except when it wakes me up in the morning or when I'm in the hall restroom when the stereo our RA put in there is turned on and set to one of the stations that plays it. It's overkill. Some of the best songs are completely ruined due to this kind of overkill. Sad. *shakes head*
Ok, now that I've got some of that randomness off my chest, I do have a semi-meaningful rant-type thing to force upon y'all, so don't go anywhere, cause it includes a request. :P
So anyone who's known me in the past year should know that I've lost weight in that time. A whole lot of it, apparently. It happened too gradually for me to really notice by looking in a mirror, and it's been so long since it started I can't remember how much fatter I was before. But every time I go to church, SOMEone, if not about a dozen someones, makes a comment about how much thinner I've gotten.
I'm getting worried. And here's why.
I mentioned that I bought a really nice outfit to wear to church for Easter Sunday, right? And that for at least 5 years now I've worn nothing more fancy than jeans and a sweater or nice T-shirt to church, except Christmas and Easter, when I'd break out the old black slacks and add a white blouse or buy a new sweater to go with them? Well, for this Easter, I got the nicest outfit I've had since, like, senior prom. Seriously. Think dark brown/black, sleeveless, ankle-length dress with various large flower-type prints in shades of beigy-tan, and a component cropped beigy-tan dress jacket, and even matching beigy-tan heeled dress sandals.
I've never heard so many compliments in my entire LIFE as I heard in the 2 hours that I wore that outfit. Nearly everyone who passed me, spoke to me, had the time to actually come find me, sat near me, etc. was gushing with praise on my outfit, my haircut, my apparent thinness, or all of the above. Even Jess, who had never said a word about it before, commented how much weight I've lost.
Why does all this worry me? Hard to say. I think I'm afraid my ego is gonna get to big. And believe me, I never, EVER, EVER thought I would have a problem with that. >_<
Don't get me wrong... I still don't think I'm attractive at all. I look in the mirror and I still see blobs of fat, sickly pale skin, complete lack of muscle tone and just some flab in its place, a blotchy crater-face with those two stupid nasty scars from my serious bike accident at age 11, and flat, dull, poop-colored hair that flies around in 5 or 6 directions. But... it's weird. People keep giving me all these compliments, and in the beginning I just turned them aside or kinda laughed and shrugged them off, thinking people were just going blind. But I don't do that anymore. I smile and thank them, and kinda look down at myself as if to confirm their opinions. And then for the next few minutes I kinda intentionally walk straighter or sit up straighter and flip my hair around a little more (which I always do anyway because it's always in my eyes), as if I'm trying to get other people to notice whatever the person who complimented me noticed, or something. I'd even go so far as to say all those compliments I got yesterday morning were what put me in such a good mood for the rest of the day.
But here's the worst part, which I've only just been noticing in the past couple weeks or so. You know how occasionally you'll be sitting in a classroom or some other kind of location with several other people, and when you look around the room, occasionally you'll accidentally make eye contact with some random person? Then you usually look away real quick so they don't think you were staring? Well... that's always happening to me, because staring into space is what I do best in classroom settings. But lately... I dunno... I guess before I was really embarrassed by that kinda thing, because I was afraid those people who were looking at me were privately contemplating just how weird and/or ugly I looked.
This morning in class, any time I made that accidental eye contact with anyone, I still immediately looked away, but some little corner of my brain was entertaining the thought that they were looking at me because they liked what they saw.
God, this is about the weirdest rant I've ever posted, isn't it? ><;
Anyway... again, don't get me wrong. I still don't see myself as attractive, so I don't see why any of those strangers in the classroom should. And I don't think I really do think that... it's just a tiny little previously unheard voice in my brain or something that makes the idea roll around in my mind. My inner egomaniac, maybe?
See, THAT is what scares me. I don't want to have an inner egomaniac. Especially not when I've lost so much weight and had a haircut that even I have to admit is probably the cutest thing I've ever had growing from my head and am intentionally wearing nice outfits to church for the first time in years. Because I've known too many people in my life who went through similar physical changes, especially the weight loss one, to the point where their egos outgrew the bodies they were contained in (or the body shrunk over top of the ego so much the ego had to burst through, whatever) and they became complete jerks who cared about nothing but how good they looked, and anyone who didn't automatically agree became less than sewer scum to them.
I don't want to turn into that. But as much as I hate to admit it, the more compliments people give me, the better I feel about myself overall. Maybe I'm just not used to feeling anything better than miserable about myself... but I know that little long-beaten-down ego is starting to wake up and enjoy the beginnings of its first real feast. Every compliment I receive fattens it up more and more, and when it gets dozens of servings in just a few hours, well... you can guess what happens.
So, dear readers, I ask of you a great favor. If I ever, EVER come across as an egomaniacal b!tch to you in ANY way at all, starting with this very post, I want you to whack me over the head, punch me in the gut, and tell me I'm as ugly as a pimply pig's butt in a mudhole. Or come up with some other, more creative assault to beat this stupid ego back into submission. I'm serious. I do NOT want to turn into the kind of person I despise most. In return for your kindness, I promise I will do my best to keep swallowing down this inner egomaniac and make sure it never breaks free of the confines of my physical being.
Ok... I'm finally done. Now I have some reading left to do for EALL class this afternoon, as well as new BLOOD lyrics to translate and old ones to prime for public release. Becky away.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 4/12/2004 01:24:00 PM
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