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feeling: tired, not sleepy
listening to: nothing
I think I finally got one thing settled. My heart's trying with all its might to kick me back to where I was just over a year ago, but now at least I know why. And that answer is my weapon. With that knowledge I'm slightly better equipped to fight whatever my subconscious is trying to engulf me in. But that doesn't mean I'll ever actually beat it or anything. Just that this stupid fight can go on even longer, until I get so exhausted I either give in or die. Which was bound to happen anyway... now I'll just get to go on fighting longer before it finally does. Lucky me, huh?
I won't fail. I'd rather be the pathetic lone wolf wallflower with no one for the rest of my life than let it take me over. But I won't win either. How can you win when what you want more than anything is something that, even if it were attainable, would only tear you apart in the end? Especially when you know it's torn you apart in the past, but you want to go back anyway?
Once I drew a doodle of my alter ego as a four-winged angel, and I titled it "anata no tenshi ni nareba ii no?"... that pretty much sums it up...
I'm going to bed... goodnight
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 4/10/2004 01:57:00 AM
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