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feeling: dead tired
listening to: BLOOD - Blind
Well, a few hours ago I told myself I needed to sit down either here or at my LJ and type a nice long rant. But LJ seems to be eating itself at the moment, so for that and other reasons, here I am. But unfortunately, I'm so freaking tired it's not funny, and so most of what I wanted to rant has oozed from my brain into a happy little puddle on the floor. So if I seem more... straightforward... than usual in this one, it's only because I want to go to sleep. Soon. Like now.
So... Willard actually spoke to me tonight. Brought up lovely memories of my past again. No matter how many times I get over it, he seems to have a way of doing that. Don't get me wrong, I'm still over it... but being reminded of it tends to kind of kill my mood sometimes. Anyway, he goes into how I destroyed my own happiness years ago, as if I haven't been fully aware of this for well over a year now at least. He brings it up, I explain that I know it was my fault so leave it alone, he brings it up again, I again explain that I know it was my fault, and... he brings it up again. He tells me something and makes me swear not to tell anyone that it involves, and when I say I don't know the people anyway, he says he only said it so I could pretend I have a life. This was only about the fifth or sixth time in the conversation that he brought up the fact that I have no life.
This is what every conversation I have with Willard consists of. Him reminding me that every moment of misery I've felt in the past 6 years has been my own fault, him reminding me that I have no life, and occasionally a bit of ranting on how lonely he is. All in a perpetual cycle of conversation that can last anywhere from a few minutes to several hours. Maybe this is why we don't talk very often.
But then again, if he stopped talking about all of this, I guess we'd never have anything to talk about, and then we'd talk to each other even less than we do now.
Anyway, tonight I tried to break the mold and tend a little to the... not optomistic, but... future-oriented? side of me for once. You know - times and people change, the past can't erased, time doesn't go backwards, starting over is possible but picking up where one left off years ago is not, that kind of thing. Mainly in response to him informing me that someone who used to be the best friend I could ever ask for but who sort of became removed from my life has recently said that I've been "nice" again.
Um. I don't know when I was ever not nice. I remember sitting there off by myself not really going out of my way to talk to people and only responding when they talked to me first... but that hasn't really changed, so how have I gotten "nice again"? How was I not nice? Times like this I wish that person still spoke to me so I knew what the heck was being said about me.
Anyway... this conversation went nowhere, so he went back to reminding me that I have no life, and that apparently the fact that I still live at home means that I have not changed in the least in the past several years. Or that I haven't gained or lost anything, at least. So finally I got a little frustrated and told him that in the past year I've been through 2 or 3 heartbreaks, seeing 2 of the dearest friends I've ever had threatening or attempting suicide, the most stressful college year of my life, a voluntary position translating for a Japanese rock band, a week in California building up lifelong memories and making lifetime friends (some of whom didn't even make it to Fanime), a brother and his toddler son going through a divorce (actually I didn't say this but it's true too), and a truckload of other things that I either can't remember or would just rather not talk about. In the past year I've seen the best times of my 22 years of life along with the worst times of my 22 years of life. In the past year I've both made and lost more friends than I think I have in the rest of my life combined. I tell Willard this (in slightly less eloquent terms), and his response is: one shouldn't whine about something they volunteered for.
After I had already told him MULTIPLE TIMES that I am FULLY AWARE that the losses I've suffered have been my own fault. I was not whining or complaining, I was stating facts. He seemed to want to know, so I told him. Does it, or will it ever, mean anything to him? No. If not for the subject of me having no life and me being 100% at fault for it, he'd never have anything to talk to me about.
I give up. Again. Think what you want about me and my life or lack thereof. I haven't bothered to defend myself in several months anyway, but I can promise that I won't bother to admit my own faults or tell things the way they are, whether I like them or not, ever again. Not to Willard. He doesn't want to know. He'd have no one to pick on if he had any reason to believe I have, or have ever had, ANY inkling of a *gasp* life.
I have no reason to believe he'll ever read this, of course, so it's not like anything will change by my posting this. Which means this is pointless, like everything else that ever happens in my life as far as he's concerned. So as long as I'm being pointless, enjoy the following.
Your Dir en grey! ^-^
Which of MY favorite J-Rock bands are U?
brought to you by Quizilla
Shinya is your slave...he's so quiet, so shy, yet
so cute and warm-hearted. Do you really want
to keep him as your slave or just hug him??
J-Rock Claim Quiz -Who would be YOUR slave???
brought to you by Quizilla
And now my eyes are about to fall out, so I'm going to bed. Sorry if none of the above makes any sense. I'm extremely sleep deprived and wiped and I didn't even get to touch half the topics I planned to rant about tonight. I only covered one, didn't I? I had 3 or 4 in mind. Oh well. I need sleep.
comment! (0)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 6/24/2004 01:19:00 AM
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