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feeling: tired and stiff and cranky and jealous and apathetic
listening to: Miyavi - Jingle Bell (Kari)
I'm a horrible person. There is nothing in me but jealousy right now. Jealousy over something that someone close to me has achieved, that I want to achieve but that I know I'm not even physically capable of and thus don't even deserve, which makes me selfish as well. There are two paths I could take - the one where I bust my butt to make it to the level she's attained and probably fail, or the one where I realize with my entire being that I can never do that and just get over it and be happy for her like everyone else... but I can't do either, no matter how hard I try. I mean, sure, there's no doubt in my mind that everyone in the little 'ring' envies her to an extent, but more than that they're happy for her. I can't even look at her website or journal entries or even forum posts anymore without starting to boil. I hate being jealous. Especially when it's centered on such a sweet and awesome person who deserves nothing less than what she's earned. If I were two people I'd be beating myself to death with the baseball bat I keep behind my bed in case some creep decides to break in while I'm home alone again.
But now the jealousy level is falling because I've been distracted from it by another lovely conversation with Willard. Allow me to paste.
willard324: are you having fun doing nothing???
ShivaKat9: if I were doing nothing I'd be a lot less tired right now
willard324: translating isnt exactly real work lol
ShivaKat9: it is if you take it seriously
ShivaKat9: and when they get posted on a band's website for the world to see I take it seriously
willard324: are they actually paying you???
ShivaKat9: no
willard324: then it isnt a job....it is a hobby lol
ShivaKat9: apparently the girl who's supposed to be doing it but more often than not but isn't, leaving me to do it at the last minute or beyond, realizes that already...and I'm pretty sure she's even hired
willard324: well you get what you pay for...and you dont pay me you get something half assed
ShivaKat9: if you found something you enjoyed enough to take seriously and were doing it for someone you respected you'd probably give more
willard324: not when i needed to get a job to support myself and possibly a family...but i know that isnt an issue for you
ShivaKat9: yes you do, and you never let me forget it
willard324: what ever do you mean???
ShivaKat9: let me know when it's an issue for you
willard324: ouch...that kind of hurt
ShivaKat9: whatever do you mean???
willard324: mine wasnt hurtful
ShivaKat9: you don't think so huh?
I won't even go any further. Mainly because I ended the conversation there. But yeah, it just thrills me how much he claims to care about me and then goes and stomps all over the things that are most important to me. And then goes so far as to tell me he's not hurting me. I'm getting tired of this.
Funny thing is, the parts belittling my translation work came just as I was about to say something like "if translating was all I'd been doing lately I'd be even less tired and probably happier," but instead he chose to beat the dead horse that once lived and raced under the call name Becky Has No Life. He still hasn't left it alone long enough for me to inform him that my brother is living with us again and that my nephew was staying with him (and therefore with us) for five days ending today, which means I've been chasing him down or being chased down by him pretty much every waking moment of the past 5 days because for some reason the little punk adores me. Even if I'd wanted to get out of the house for a while, I wouldn't have gotten away with it. Well, once I did, but I also got silently ripped into by mom's icy glares when I came home after the kid had already gone to bed. But yeah, it was hard enough finding time to come up here and work on translations when they were needed.
On the translations front... yes, Kiwamu's still having me help him. The ones posted on the site right now make the fourth set in a row, the fourth week in a row, that I've translated. That's every week since Fanime. The current ones were a weird story though. I never got an email from him last week asking me to do them, so I figured Lauren was finally back on the job... but then Friday, update day, went by with no new English corners. Then, two days later, Kiwamu emailed me asking for the previous week's translations (those Lauren had missed), which kinda floored me since they were late already and he hates lateness more than anything. But yeah... I had two of the corners ready for him, but I had to ask him if he still had the third one (Japanese) to send to me so I could finish that one. That was around 3:30 last night. At that time I knew his normal daily online time is between about 6 and 9 a.m. my time (7 and 10 p.m. his time), so I decided I'd get up early and try to catch him, so I could translate and return the completed corner before he went offline for the night. So I got up at 6:30. And when did his reply come? 8:45. ><; Oh well... so long story short, I got the translations sent, but I guess he decided to sleep first and upload them in the morning because just a few hours ago, 10 a.m. his time, my translations were posted on the site. And he's already said Lauren did this week's translations for once (dangit, they were fun... I wanted to do them :P), so I guess I don't have to worry about that.
And as this post descends further and further into the realm of pointlessness... I expanded my J-rock collection tonight. Finally. Not by much, though. I got 9 Miyavi songs and 4 new (to me) hide songs. Still waiting for Miyavi's Ashita Genki ni Naare and hide's Space Monkey Punks From Japan... if I don't get those songs, some heads will roll. I will download more - L'arc~en~Ciel, Glay, Kaggra, Moi Dix Mois, and more hide and Miyavi are high on the list - but first I need to find some hard drive space. Gah.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 6/29/2004 11:41:00 PM
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