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feeling: ugh
listening to: nothing
Ignore this post. It's just pointless ranting I wanted to get out, nothing anyone should care about. Just scroll down to the next one. I seek opinions there.
I've wanted to go to bed since before midnight. Finally did so, and laid there awake long enough for my head and eyes to start throbbing before finally, at 3:30, saying screw it, I need to rant.
I have this annoying desire to be comforted tonight. The reasons are many and varied. Mostly pretty stupid too, and even selfish in places. But most came about after reading the LJ of a random friend-of-a-friend type person whose life I wish I could be living, even though I only know her through the posts I read. Right now she has pretty much everything I in my current position could want, and I'll never have it. I could work for years to be where she is, but by then I'd be too far past my... prime, so to speak... to still get any enjoyment out of it. Basically it's another of those 'if only I'd been born in another place and time, to different people' kind of things. I've just been living out the wrong life, through no fault of my own or anyone else's. Can't be helped.
But that doesn't mean I don't wish I were her. I don't even know why exactly... guess I'm just selfish. There's no logical explanation I can find, other than that.
I want to start doing stuff. Being a slug locking myself away in the house all day sucks. I'll never get where I want to be this way. Wherever 'where I want to be' is... but you get the point. This town sucks too. There's nothing here but a bowling alley filled with smoke and drunks, historical sites (historical meaning from about... oh, when my great-grandparents were kids, maybe), and a sad handful of good resturants. Anything there is to do around here is the kind of thing that's only fun when you're with a group of friends. And I don't even have a group of friends.
And even if all of the above were different, it wouldn't matter, because I don't have a car right now either.
And I'm never going to be as fluent in Japanese as I want to be. I'd have to either go to grad school or go to Japan, or both, to even come close. Learning languages after the age of about 13 very rarely goes well at all. Not my fault I didn't have a chance to start until I was 19, but that doesn't stop me from whining about it.
It's now my usual bedtime. I want to sleep. But my eyes are throbbing from the pressure in my head, so no matter how hard I try, it won't happen for a while.
So wish me luck.
comment! (0)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 7/20/2004 04:04:00 AM
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