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feeling: anticlimactic
listening to: Dir en Grey - Ain't Afraid to Die (Irresistible Mix)
Been a few decades, so I figured I'd post something here.
Past week was pretty uneventful. Watched the nephew, got my hair cut, sent off an order for new BLOOD stuff, discovered the weird and... well, just weird... world of Dir en Grey remixes, broke out in some sort of extraordinarily itchy rash or hives or something, felt more a part of the BLOOD fandom than ever before, and felt just as worthless in every other part of my life as ever before.
And with the pointlessness out of the way...
Our community choir performance was today. It wasn't as bad as previous years, really. The people (ok, person) who made it agitating beyond all reason in past years wasn't there this year, and even though the kaijou* was just as hot as it always is, it didn't feel like it for some reason. Was actually pretty enjoyable.
And of course, the one face I once loved to see, and then never wanted to see anymore, and then wanted nothing more than to see again, was there. At one point just being within eyesight was internal torture. In recent months though... seeing that face makes me happy. Even though I'll never be a part of that life again, even though there's far more emotional distance than physical... I dunno, it just makes me happy. Superficially happy, temporarily happy, whatever... but still happy. It's leaving that tortures me now, because we never seem to say goodbye anymore. Just sort of quietly walk away. I liked it better when we always said goodbye, because in those days every goodbye was an occasion for one more embrace. I'm a huggy person. Shut up.
So yeah, I'm still not sure why it makes me so happy to see that person now, because at one point in time it hurt me more than anything. Maybe I'm finally over the torment they lashed me with years ago? I don't know. It's confusing. The kind of confusion that almost makes that superficial happiness not worth it.
Which is why I once said seeing that face again as a result of joining the choir again this year could be a good thing or a bad thing.
*I threw in that Japanese because 'kaijou' is a heck of a lot easier to type than 'the place where the event/performance was held.' I do that on occasion. Deal with it.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 9/12/2004 03:03:00 PM
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