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feeling: slightly headachy
listening to: Malice Mizer - Baroque
So Kiwamu's fanart is done, only a week and a half late. *rubs wrist* But like I told him in the email, he doesn't have a birthday anyway, so blah. :P And unexpectedly, he actually commented on it - said "Nice drawing" and asked what software I use. *amused* So anyway, since the uploaded version on his site did suffer a little from resizing and compression, here's the full version. Could've done better, but I wasn't going for painstaking detail like Kaede's. One of those a year is enough. x_x
So finally, that's it for this year's birthdays. I was hoping to send a little something to each of them for Christmas too (something purchased, not fanart), but I probably won't have time to bring the ideas I had to life, and even if I did, they'll be in Europe for at least a full week before/during the holiday anyway... so whatever. There is one thing that I really want to get for Kaede at some point, but it costs way too much... *sigh*
Anyway, to less redundant things. Have once again taken great interest in my dream world recently. And not just because of the BLOOD dream from the other night that Calla and Dumplin' know about. *smirk* But I realized the other day that I was able to understand the personalities of people I've known for years, through dreams about them. Like, better than I understand them in real life. Creeeeepy.
The one that surprised me most was a girl I called my best friend by default during my last couple years in high school... 'by default' just means I didn't really have any other friends at that time, and since she and I hung out during lunch every day, she got the title... even though she annoyed me greatly. >_> It's been at least 3 years since I last spoke with her, and yet for some reason she's appeared in two or three of my dreams in the past few weeks. And in all of them she was... clingy. Like, paranoid clingy. As though she would break apart if I (or the other girl we were with in the case of that one dream...) left her side for a minute. In one she was sick and miserable, either with a headache or stomachache, and when I offered to take her somewhere to lie down or something, she whined that she didn't want anything, except for me to stay there with her. In another she wanted me to help her with some art or lab type project, and all I had to do was show up - there didn't even appear to be a project there for her to work on - and she just latched onto me and gushed with gratitude. Just for showing up. Then we left and ran into another girl who she apparently knew, and she immediately started clinging to her. In real life she wasn't a physically clingy or touchy person, to my recollection... bit on the emotional side though... and she did tend to fly off the handle when I didn't meet her to hang out at the usual place like we did during lunch period every day. I never understood why she wanted to call me her friend... I was cold and silent as a rule then (even more so >.>), contributed nothing to the relationship, and even made it a point to shut myself off to her when she started talking or dragging me around, as she was fairly bossy and annoying. Not malicious, just sort of living in her own little world where apparently everything always went her way. I dunno. But yeah... the whole paranoid clingyness thing in the dreams somehow made sense, even though she never acted like that when we were friends.
Another one is a girl I haven't really spent time with since 11th or 12th grade... she was my best friend for 8 or so years, though that span of time was littered with squabbles and spats. She was selfish, spoiled, and petty, and our friendship essentially ended all because one night she invited me to spend the night, but I couldn't because I had a huge class project to finish. All our other fights also had to do with me refusing to cater to her every whim. She did return to being friendly with me in my last years of high school though, just so I'd help her with her homework, as she was a year younger than me and could benefit from my class experience. Anyway, she has randomly appeared in my dreams on quite a few occasions in the past few years, and in every one of them her behavior toward me is the same - she's cold, she ignores everything I say and do, she does her own thing and speaks to me only when she wants something... but she doesn't leave. She stays by my side, or rather keeps me glued to hers in case I come in handy. I'm her puppet on a string. And that pretty much sums up the real-life relationship we had before our ties dissolved away when she graduated and I left for college. She was much less cold in reality than she is in my dreams, and far more open, but it was only a front to stay on my good side in case she ever needed a favor. Just the same in the dreams, except all fronts are gone and the true nature of our relationship is all I see.
And finally, there's the person who meant more to me than anything for several years, even after we grew apart... the one I once thought was my soulmate, before she just stopped having time for me. But unlike the above two, our friendship was true, and though it took me years to realize it, it was the first genuine one I ever had. She hurt me dozens of times, but never once intentionally. I always described her as, in the immortal words of Juri, cruelly innocent. I knew I meant a great deal to her, as she did to me. She just... wasn't exactly the most aware person you'll ever find, if that makes sense. She always had so much going on all around her and was surrounded by a huge, chaotic social circle... she didn't know she was hurting me, and I don't blame her. She was busy enough to never notice the difference when I gradually drifted away, unable to keep up and too selfish to think I needed to try. Ahem, anyway... and yeah, she has appeared in my dreams more times than I can count in the past several years, and again, she's the same in all of them (except one O_o). She's... clingy too, but in an affectionate, devoted way as opposed to a paranoid one. Even cuddly, on many occasions. Just as she was/is in reality... but the difference is, in my dreams, there's only the two of us. Only I am there to receive her attention, and vice versa. If she hadn't been constantly in demand by her wild schedule and vast social circle, what I see in my dreams is what our friendship would really have been, and might still be to this day.
Of course, there are plenty of other people who pop into my dreams now and then to give me a look at their real selves, but those three are the ones I've been noticing most in recent weeks. And this may not be anything new or fascinating to anyone else, but me being the thick little blond at heart that I am, I was surprised it took half a decade of dreams for me to finally see the truth of those past relationships, the faces I couldn't see behind the overbearingness, the nicey-nice fronts, and the chaos.
So, la la. I'm done ranting now. And I must've twisted my neck the wrong way in my sleep this morning, cause my head's all stingy-achy today... =_=
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 12/03/2004 04:06:00 PM
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