 |
 |
feeling: tired...
listening to: Malize Mizer - Kioku to Sora (Memory and Sky)
Just as a warning, I typed up this blog earlier tonight, but then a few dozen BSODs suddenly swarmed upon me, so it was lost. Hence any punctuated or blunt-ended feelings this post may portray. That and I'm really, really tired. >.>
Anyway... thought I'd kinda follow up my last post. I didn't mean to worry anyone with all that... so sorry if I did. :\ I had just kinda been noticing more things about my dreams lately for some reason, and thinking more about the stuff that happens in them. That was just a bit of a venting session I'd been wanting to type up for some days, more for my own purposes than anything... to kinda organize my thoughts and figure out what exactly it was that I kept noticing, not because I wanted to be all down again or anything. Actually I was more amused than anything as I typed it up. So, no worries. The nasty histories I mentioned there are just that - history. Very much out of sight and out of mind.
And to address the other issue that I inadvertently brought up... yeeeeah, I have been used by a few people in my life... but I don't really think it's had that much of a negative effect on me. I've always been the type who would do anything I could to be of help, no matter who it's for, as long as my actions wouldn't be hurting the recipient, myself, or anyone else. I guess that did and still does make me easy to take advantage of... but it's just how I am, and when people do end up using me, I don't think much of it, as long as I was able to be of some benefit to their lives. Call me a martyr... though I kinda prefer loyal to the point of puppydog devotion, but I wouldn't argue. >.>
So if being repeatedly taken advantage of isn't what made me the recluse I am today, then what did it?
... I've talked about that so many times in this blog, the stories have lost all meaning to me. :P But I know digging through 3 years' worth of posts to find those stories isn't an appetizing thought... so hmm... why, in a nutshell, do I keep to myself...
Well, it started in junior high when one of my best friends told me I was too bossy. So in response I shut myself up completely, only speaking when spoken to - most common response was "whatever" - and mutely going along with whatever my friends wanted to do. It was just supposed to be a temporary bratty reaction out of pure spite, but it ended up working too well - my friends got a kick out of my submissiveness. So it sort of stuck.
After that little personality switch, it was just several years of being remorselessly left out in the cold by people I loved more than anything. You kinda start to lose a lot of trust in humans after so many repetitions of that routine. And after so many years of shutting myself away in a cave as far away as possible from human influence, I just pretty much forgot how to deal with people and social situations. And that, in a large and gaping nutshell, is why I seem cold and quiet and reclusive to those who don't know me very well (and in many cases, to those who do as well).
But all of that is water under the bridge. The only thing I'm suffering from now is the continued absence of social skills because I spent years burying the fledgling ones I had... and I only call that suffering because I feel bad for giving off a cold, uncaring impression when I meet and talk to new people.
But don't worry about me, k? As I've said a few times between this blog and my LJ, I'm happier with my life now than I think I've ever been. I've found myself hardly even thinking about the past anymore, any aspect of it... because the happiness and peace I have now not only drowns out the rough spots in my past, it also dwarfs the good spots. It's that much greater.
Granted, I still get into my little unexplained depressed funks now and then, but who doesn't? Nothing that won't pass with time.
And I think that's all I'd set out to say before the computer ate my first version of this... so there we go.
To wind up on a completely random note, I seem to be in a mild Malice Mizer kick these days. I decided that Tetsu's voice reminds me ever so slightly of a cross between Fu-ki and Takeshi, but constantly on the verge of a nervous breakdown. >.> And one of their Klaha-era songs, Seinaru Toki Eien no Inori, somehow reminds me of Phantom of the Opera. O.o
And that's all. Long past my bedtime.
comment! (0)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 12/06/2004 03:47:00 AM
|
|
