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feeling: like crying for no apparent reason
listening to: Queen - Who Wants to Live Forever
Hm... random pointless wakefulness blog... what to rant about...
Burning a candle in my room this evening, because the weird warmth of today brought more hoards of those stupid ladybug-looking beetle things into my room. I swear, this is their year-round breeding AND dying ground. Anyway... when they get as piled up as they are in here now, thousands dead, thousands alive... these bugs stink. They ooze some nasty smelling yellow juice when they're threatened, and I suppose when they die. Hence the candle. Weird... I like candles, but I only burn them in here once or twice a year, or on some other rare probability ratio along those lines. I'm not sure if that sentence made sense or not, but oh well. Point is my room smells like some sort of very sweet purple berry thing now. Don't ask me why I don't burn my chocolate candle instead... I don't know.
I wish I weren't so lazy, of I'd get a vacuum in here and suck all these nasty little beasts into filthy dusty oblivion. I suppose I'll get my chance for that soon, because my parents have finally purchased drywall mud and River Mist paint, and have been prodding me for days to start cleaning my room so I can get it repainted. Also get actual blinds on the windows as opposed to the cut bedsheets that are there now after the painting's done. And dad wants to lay carpet in here too, but that would require draining and moving my waterbed and then refilling it and moving me downstairs to sleep in the recliner for a couple nights until it warms up after being rebuilt and refilled... and we just went though that late last year sometime... soooo I don't see it happening. Oh well. Remnants and rugs cover the important parts of the floor, and that'll suffice.
Also started an oekaki tonight at Subeta. Tried one there a couple weeks ago, but Mozilla died and ate it... before that, it had been literally years since my last oekaki attempt. It's like a Java version of Photoshop, with more primitive tools and only 2 layers to work with. I love the thing I'm working on now though. Will destroy things if my computer eats it before it's done again.
More random topics... found out over the past week that I've gotten over the deepest of my old scars again. This is only about the fourth or fifth time. Something like that. And it ended on a good note this time, so no worries. I'm good there.
Though, it did finally dawn on me that there's pretty much no chance in hell or heaven that I'll ever achieve true complete happiness. But then, who ever does? So oh well. I've been happier over the past year than I ever was before, so it's not like I'm actively missing anything at the moment... so that'll hold me over. Be a different story if I'd found it and then lost it, but if you're yet to find, you're yet to lose. Right?
Pathetic thing, though, is that I've never really seriously lost, either. So why should I complain?
Don't you love optomistic pessimism?
I don't really know why I'm not tired right now. Almost 5 am and I'm running on 3 or 4 hours of sleep at the moment, and feeling physically fine. Makes no sense. My brain is nonfunctional, of course... pretty obvious by looking at this entire post... but I'm not tired.
Suppose I'll get back to working on my oekaki until I can't see the screen anymore.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 3/07/2005 04:44:00 AM
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