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feeling: sleepy
listening to: Suicide Ali - Ai Subeki Shikeidai
Well. This past week has been special on more levels than I feel like counting.
There were some highs... some great laughs, moments of pure contentment, the completion of that catalog translation for Kiwamu's client, even some progress made on tablet art pieces I started months ago and left to collect dust. And there were plenty of lows... some random uselessness, helplessness, loneliness, unexplained depression... and a marked shortage of sleep. And when I did sleep, there were dreams that were weird even for me. There were nightmares, including one that had to be the most painful and terrifying thing my mind in sleep has ever yielded. There was nostalgia, as I found myself poking again into interests I haven't touched in years, and as some of my long-time good friends pack up and head off to college. And there were things that don't really fit into any category... like the new pastor and his family spending an evening here, and my dad taking a nasty injury to his right arm, keeping him home from work and forcing me and my mother to handle more stuff around the house.
I blame the fact that I couldn't sleep last night on all of the above. But the really weird thing is that I didn't even want to sleep. I went to bed only because I knew I'd have to get up for church in 3 hours, though I was only barely tired, and just lay there wide awake as my mind flitted all over the place, picking up memories and moments from the past week and throwing them around at random... and I didn't want it to stop. Not that it was an entirely pleasant experience, but I wanted to lie there and be contemplative. I wanted to laugh again at the good memories and retreat within myself when the more painful ones took over. I knew I would regret it the next day. I knew thinking of stuff like that can cause the soul more harm than good. Thinking is dangerous. But still I lay there all morning thinking. Smiling, hurting, wondering, worrying, reflecting.
I don't know why I didn't want to sleep. I don't even know why I'm posting about this here. No reason anyone should really care to know about it. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, though it wasn't exactly good either... since when I finally did drift off for about an hour, I managed to oversleep... and of course, I'm paying for it now by being unbelievably tired. But that's nothing new. Not that big a deal to be in a reflective mood.
So why am I posting this? I don't know, maybe because it all left me kind of... muddled. There are things I'm confused about... things I wish I understood, but probably never will. Things I wish others could understand, but they can't seem to, or maybe just refuse to. Things that should make me happy but only make me feel more hurt and alone... or is it the other way around? Hence the confusion. It recently dawned on me that there are some aspects of my life I've been taking for granted, and that are far more complicated than I previously realized. Things that... maybe I've been trying to see with a little too much optimism, when there are really just too many factors, far more than I saw at first, pointing to the very high likelihood that it will all only leave me even more lost and hopeless than I was before.
I don't know. Maybe I just need my nap. It won't clear the confusion, but it'll give me somewhere to go that I won't have to think about it for a while. And fortunately, this time, I AM tired enough to sleep and actually want to. So I'm gonna go take my nap now. Maybe things will make more sense when I wake up. Actually, I know they won't... but maybe sleep will clear them from my mind for a while...
comment! (1)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 8/21/2005 01:09:00 PM
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: 8:49 PM