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feeling: ...
listening to: nothing
I just wanted to apologize to those who have been and are being forced to endure this latest bout with depression that has rendered me utterly useless. I am very slowly improving after, what, 3 or 4 days of the worst of it... but if it hasn't gone away by now, it might take a little longer than I figured. Which means, as if I haven't been tucked up into a worthless, tearstained little ball long enough, I can't predict how long it will be before I'm of any use to the world again. I've been hiding from the real and online worlds so I can wallow in my own solitude, and the few who have encountered me online couldn't have gotten anything worthwhile out of me, because when I get like this I am a silent, oblivious husk. I consider myself dead. And if it keeps up for too long I won't be of any use at all anymore.
Honestly, I have gotten nothing accomplished for myself or anyone else since this set in. More than one day this past week I made an honest effort to just not even get out of bed. I haven't completed any of the tasks that I've promised others I would do. And when at any point a friend or acquaintance has needed me, I've been completely unresponsive... not just vocally, but unable to even reach out and offer my love and support because I'm too wrapped up in my own stupid problems. Call it my selfish side rearing its ugly head again.
I'm not saying all this to whine or cry for attention or anything, by the way. Like I said, it seems the worst may be over. My only point here is to apologize for being a lousy excuse for a friend and human being lately. Not just for the past few days, but for however much longer this is going to last. All things considered, I might never really be back to normal. Whatever normal is. If I ever make it that far it'll be because of my kitty... so thank you, kitty. For being there and for trying, even if this stupid thing doesn't go away.
I know, I'm being unusually emo with all the "it'll never get better, life will always suck, I'll never be happy again, wah wah" crap. This isn't normal for me, honest. I guess I just had an overdose of reality this time to make it seem like this will never go away.
...And didn't I say my point here was NOT to whine? >>
Anyway, like I said, I apologize. For now and for what may be the future. At this point I honestly don't know.
comment! (0)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 3/11/2006 04:09:00 AM
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