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feeling: dead
listening to: HIM - Dark Light
I doubt anyone bothers with this anymore. I wouldn't either, except that Livejournal is irritating me right now. So I'm not declaring the hiatus on this blog lifted. Try not to be too disappointed. That was a joke. You can laugh.
To the point, I've been feeling incredibly insecure lately. Doubting things in my life that I used to be so certain of, taking every single word and interaction way too personally, getting depressed and crying at the drop of a hat... all that fun stuff. So what do I do about it? I go to all possible lengths to conceal any emotions I have left. Good and bad and everything in between, because most of what I feel at times like this is nothing good anyway so I'd rather not become one of those people who never says anything unless it's to complain. I'd rather just keep quiet. Which alienates me even further from everything and everyone. And then I'm stupid enough to expect everything and everyone else to just carry on like nothing ever changed, love on me and coddle me even though I don't respond because God forbid I show any emotion, and treat me like they always did before I gave up on life, even though I give them no reason to. I'm not worth their effort and I know it, but I expect it anyway, and when I get it I'm still never satisfied. To think I once wondered why all but 2 or 3 of the friends I've ever had gave up on me and left, huh? Ask Willard, he knows all about it.
It's not that it doesn't help when people are kind to me and act like nothing is any different in my darker moments. It's not that I think they're making light of how much I hurt, or that I don't appreciate their efforts. It's just that after so many repeats of the same old thing, one is ready to give up hope for any future one could've had. I don't find it so easy to open my heart again, even to people I know full well I can trust. I'm not strong enough.
Oh well, whatever. No one wants to hear me whine about this anymore. But maybe now that I've gotten this much out of my system I can shut up again for a couple weeks. And I don't ask for any kind of reaction to this, in case anyone has actually read it. Don't mind me. I'm probably just PMSing or something.
Shivers run through the spine of hope as she cries
The poison tears of a life denied
In the raven black night, holding hands with
Dark light
Come shine in her lost heart tonight
And blind all fears that haunt her with your smile
Dark light
In oblivion's garden, her body's on fire
Writhing toward the angel defiled
To learn how to die in peace with her god
Dark light
Come shine in her lost heart tonight
And blind all fears that haunt her with your smile
Dark light
Dark light
Come shine in her lost heart tonight
And blind all fears that haunt her with your smile
Dark light
Come shine in her lost heart tonight
And blind all fears that haunt her with your smile
Dark light
comment! (1)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 5/18/2006 05:10:00 AM
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