Stuff You Don't Wanna Know But Are Reading Anyway

		wStuff You Don't Wanna Know But Are Reading Anyway
		I dunno how you found this, but alas, here you are. So enjoy the frightening fruits of my troubled little brain.

		wArchives:
		12/01/2001 - 01/01/2002 01/01/2002 - 02/01/2002 02/01/2002 - 03/01/2002 03/01/2002 - 04/01/2002 04/01/2002 - 05/01/2002 05/01/2002 - 06/01/2002 06/01/2002 - 07/01/2002 07/01/2002 - 08/01/2002 08/01/2002 - 09/01/2002 09/01/2002 - 10/01/2002 10/01/2002 - 11/01/2002 11/01/2002 - 12/01/2002 12/01/2002 - 01/01/2003 01/01/2003 - 02/01/2003 02/01/2003 - 03/01/2003 03/01/2003 - 04/01/2003 04/01/2003 - 05/01/2003 05/01/2003 - 06/01/2003 06/01/2003 - 07/01/2003 07/01/2003 - 08/01/2003 08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003 09/01/2003 - 10/01/2003 10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003 11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003 12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004 01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004 02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004 03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004 04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004 05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004 06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004 07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004 08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004 09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004 10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004 11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004 12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005 01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005 02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005 03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005 04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005 05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005 06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005 07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005 08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005 09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005 10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005 11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005 12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006 01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006 02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006 03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006 04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006 05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006 06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006 07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006 08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006 09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006 10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006 11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006 12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007 01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007 02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007 03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007 04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007 05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007 06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007 07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007 08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007 09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007 10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007 11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007 12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008 01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008 02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008 03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008 04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008 05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008 06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008 07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008 08/01/2008 - 09/01/2008 09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008 10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008 11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008 12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009 01/01/2009 - 02/01/2009 02/01/2009 - 03/01/2009 03/01/2009 - 04/01/2009 04/01/2009 - 05/01/2009 05/01/2009 - 06/01/2009 06/01/2009 - 07/01/2009 07/01/2009 - 08/01/2009 08/01/2009 - 09/01/2009 09/01/2009 - 10/01/2009 10/01/2009 - 11/01/2009 11/01/2009 - 12/01/2009 12/01/2009 - 01/01/2010 01/01/2010 - 02/01/2010 02/01/2010 - 03/01/2010 03/01/2010 - 04/01/2010 04/01/2010 - 05/01/2010 05/01/2010 - 06/01/2010 06/01/2010 - 07/01/2010 07/01/2010 - 08/01/2010 08/01/2010 - 09/01/2010 09/01/2010 - 10/01/2010 11/01/2010 - 12/01/2010 12/01/2010 - 01/01/2011 04/01/2011 - 05/01/2011 07/01/2011 - 08/01/2011 11/01/2011 - 12/01/2011 12/01/2011 - 01/01/2012 02/01/2012 - 03/01/2012 03/01/2012 - 04/01/2012 05/01/2012 - 06/01/2012 06/01/2012 - 07/01/2012 08/01/2012 - 09/01/2012 10/01/2012 - 11/01/2012 12/01/2012 - 01/01/2013 -- HOME --

wThursday, May 18, 2006

feeling: dead
listening to: HIM - Dark Light

I doubt anyone bothers with this anymore. I wouldn't either, except that Livejournal is irritating me right now. So I'm not declaring the hiatus on this blog lifted. Try not to be too disappointed. That was a joke. You can laugh.

To the point, I've been feeling incredibly insecure lately. Doubting things in my life that I used to be so certain of, taking every single word and interaction way too personally, getting depressed and crying at the drop of a hat... all that fun stuff. So what do I do about it? I go to all possible lengths to conceal any emotions I have left. Good and bad and everything in between, because most of what I feel at times like this is nothing good anyway so I'd rather not become one of those people who never says anything unless it's to complain. I'd rather just keep quiet. Which alienates me even further from everything and everyone. And then I'm stupid enough to expect everything and everyone else to just carry on like nothing ever changed, love on me and coddle me even though I don't respond because God forbid I show any emotion, and treat me like they always did before I gave up on life, even though I give them no reason to. I'm not worth their effort and I know it, but I expect it anyway, and when I get it I'm still never satisfied. To think I once wondered why all but 2 or 3 of the friends I've ever had gave up on me and left, huh? Ask Willard, he knows all about it.

It's not that it doesn't help when people are kind to me and act like nothing is any different in my darker moments. It's not that I think they're making light of how much I hurt, or that I don't appreciate their efforts. It's just that after so many repeats of the same old thing, one is ready to give up hope for any future one could've had. I don't find it so easy to open my heart again, even to people I know full well I can trust. I'm not strong enough.

Oh well, whatever. No one wants to hear me whine about this anymore. But maybe now that I've gotten this much out of my system I can shut up again for a couple weeks. And I don't ask for any kind of reaction to this, in case anyone has actually read it. Don't mind me. I'm probably just PMSing or something.

Shivers run through the spine of hope as she cries
The poison tears of a life denied
In the raven black night, holding hands with

Dark light
Come shine in her lost heart tonight
And blind all fears that haunt her with your smile
Dark light

In oblivion's garden, her body's on fire
Writhing toward the angel defiled
To learn how to die in peace with her god

Dark light
Come shine in her lost heart tonight
And blind all fears that haunt her with your smile
Dark light

Dark light
Come shine in her lost heart tonight
And blind all fears that haunt her with your smile
Dark light
Come shine in her lost heart tonight
And blind all fears that haunt her with your smile
Dark light

comment! (1)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 5/18/2006 05:10:00 AM

Comments:

I still visit this blog every other day.

And I had a feeling this has been botheirng you. Think this is one of the reasons why i wish you lived here, so maybe it'd help. Doubt it, I'm not good at keeping people cheered up, but I can hope.

You're not worthless and you are worth attention dearest. And I'm not going anywhere. And my affection for you hasn't changed. I wish that'd make a difference. I hope this phase pulls up soon. And I'm still here. Try and remember that.

And I wouldn't take Willard's advice or opinions on even what 2+2 is after all that has happened. And if he does read this... well then he can just know my opinion of him then.

# posted by

Morrigan : 10:01 PM