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feeling: worthless
listening to: nothing
Prepare for a rant. Nothing to take personally, I just need to kick myself for a while.
Why is it that every single time I'm ready to suck it in and become a decent friend and functional member of society again, SOMEthing always happens to kick me back to the ground? This week was going to be it. Again. I was ready, I was determined, I was healing. Then suddenly I just wanted to be nonexistent again.
I'm tired of being like this. Contrary to popular belief, I do NOT like being depressed. I have fought and fought, over and over, but every single time I try something different comes along and I screw it all up again. And every time it happens I come out of it hating myself more. I'm not blaming anyone, by the way; just getting around to explaining why this is all my own fault. Roundabout, yes, but I will get there.
I don't get this way because I want or need something I'm not getting. I have my desires, yes, but they're not top priority to me. They never were. The reason I get this way is because I want to be needed. If something is making my friends feel happy, or upset, or anything... and if they want to talk about it, I want to hear about it. And when people I love feel like they have to tiptoe around me and can't talk to me about anything, that tells me I'm failing as a friend. Which I suppose is true anyway, but still, more often than not a listening ear is all I have to offer. If I can't give that, what worth do I have? That's all it is. It's really not because I feel possessive or jealous. It's only because I want to be worth something.
Over the past few days I let a bunch of little things get to me more than they should have. Not even anything big or relating to anyone else, but just annoyances in my own daily routine. In any other circumstance I would have gotten over them and moved on in just a couple days, but instead more important issues just coincidentally resurfaced at the same time, and while I was still annoyed and closed myself off from the world it gave the impression that those bigger issues were bothering me. When in reality I was just still too frustrated with the little mundane things to keep my priorities straight, and thus begins this vicious cycle where my failure to open up leads people to think they can't open up to me, which makes me feel even more worthless and on and on and on.
So the result of all this is me feeling like nothing more than an obligation. Hiding from the world again because I don't want anyone worrying about me or feeling guilty on my behalf. I appreciate more than anything that I'm allowed to stay around because my friends know I need them, but I don't want to be just an obligation. I want to offer something in return. If I can't even do that, then isn't the world really better off without me?
None of this is anything new, by the way. It's the same cycle I go through with everyone I ever grow close to and call a friend. Just resurfacing again because today was another one of those days where I felt like I wasn't doing the world any good and wanted to just cease to exist for a while. Probably because it's Sunday and I'm sleep deprived. But in between typing these last two paragraphs I managed to talk some of it out with one of the loved ones I knew it was affecting, so now as soon as I've had time to pick myself up again I can try yet again to move on and get better. Who knows, maybe after a few dozen more repetitions it'll finally start to work.
It might help if I'd stop getting songs stuck in my head that only serve to perpetuate loneliness.
comment! (1)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 6/04/2006 10:27:00 PM
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