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feeling: dead
listening to: Vidoll - Kimi o Nosete
There are a couple things I've been thinking about for some time but never felt like actually talking about. Not even anything deeply emotional or whatever, but just musings. So I can't really explain why I never posted it up to now. Other than to say that I just have not felt up to doing anything that requires using my brain, which includes formulating coherent journal posts. Hence the lack of content here for the past few millenia. But I figured I'd go ahead and attempt something now, maybe in an attempt to explain myself or prepare anyone who still reads this for what may come or something.
When I get into my worst funks, as some have probably noticed, I often consider abandoning my journals (won't go into the reasons; that's another rant in itself). Much like I did a couple months ago until now. Sometimes I plan to write some sort of melodramatic woe-is-me farewell post before doing so, and other times I plan on just quietly disappearing without warning. Again, not going to go into the reasons behind those two methods just yet. Doesn't matter anyway; obviously I've never actually gone through with it.
But why is that? Because I made these journals for me, not for others. Particularly my LJ and my main blog, which are my two most public and most updated ones. I created them with the intention of using them as exactly what they are - personal journals. Just with a few adjustments to keep certain tidbits away from public view or, conversely, to occasionally add something specifially for someone that I know is reading it. Otherwise, they're my diaries. Storehouses for my own thoughts and memories. Or so they were intended to be.
I know this probably sounds pointless or even obvious, but it's something I had to think about. I guess I forgot somewhere along the way what my own journals were for, and started to throw pity parties for myself or stop posting out of spite when people didn't comment and didn't seem to care and etc. I'm not crying for attention by saying this now. Like I said, it's just musing. The point is that I made these journals for me, not for the world. They're designed to be a home for my thoughts, not letters to and from everyone else. That's what emails and IMs and *gasp* direct conversations are for. I don't mean for that to sound selfish, and of course, I do sort of tailor my entries into something that I figure my friends will find interesting. And in the case of this LJ, that "friends list" thing exists for a reason, right? Though personally I use mine more to keep up with my friends and read their entries. It's their choice whether they want to keep up with me; ideally I just post when I post and leave it at that.
So, that being said, why haven't I been updating for so long? At first it was because I was under the assumption that nobody really cared so it didn't matter. Then it was because I just generally wanted to disappear and not be noticed anymore. Then I was forced to remember that these are my own journals and I should be writing them for me, so it shouldn't matter whether anyone else reads them. Yet still I never update. Reason for this can be found in the first paragraph - I simply haven't felt like it. I can't seem to conjure up the brain power to write a post that isn't gibberish. And it's not like anything ever happens to me that's worth remembering, anyway. I woke up, I sat at the computer screwing around, I ate, I went to bed, lather, rinse, repeat. What's so great about that? I still write about the important stuff, such as major trips and loved ones dying, and in the past I would write whenever some great philosophical rant popped into my head or I found something particularly amusing... etc etc. Obviously that doesn't happen anymore, or when it does I can't get it to make sense outside of my own mind. So whatever.
Therefore, I reached the conclusion that if I ever do finally decide to stop updating my main journals, I'm not going to post a big dramatic goodbye or anything. At the most I may put up a little notice to declare it closed, but most likely I'll just quietly fade away so nobody will really notice. I thought I'd do that a couple months ago, but wouldyalookatthat - here I am submitting a new post.
See? Told you I don't have it in me anymore to post anything coherent. I'm betting none of this makes any sense, and if it does, people are wondering what possessed me to blather on about it like this after being silent for so long. But whatever. This journal is for my thoughts, and that's what these are. Endless loop though it may be.
I suppose this post could be taken in a few different ways. I can see people interpreting this as a long-winded "goodbye forever" post or a "hey hey, I'm back baby" post. I don't really know which one will prove true either. If I do start posting regularly again it will be because I finally accepted that these journals are for me, not for the world, and that it doesn't matter whether others read and like it or not. And if anyone doesn't want to read it, they can quite simply ignore it or in the case of LJ, remove me from their friend lists and be free of me. I'll work on convincing myself of that for the sake of few people that I know actually do care, but right now I can make no promises.
And that's all. I'm tired, so I'm going to go watch another J-drama until I'm ready to attempt sleep.
comment! (0)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 11/24/2006 01:55:00 AM
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