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feeling: neck is stiff
listening to: X Japan - Scars
I tried to make a ringtone of this song, but the awesome bass line didn't come through very well so it just sounds like random guitar and drum noise blaring from my phone... *sad*
So I've realized recently that death bothers me a lot more than I realized. Yes, death sucks. Ingenius realization, right? Anyway, pathetically, I think it started when my cat died in May 2005, then continued a couple months later with the whole Aaron Reed thing, then my grandma last summer... and sometime in the past couple weeks a young guy we've all been hearing about for about a year around here (a friend of Jessica's, for those who know) after he was shot in the head in Iraq finally passed on... and now a few days ago one of the older ladies at church passed away. Heck, I might as well say THE older lady at church, as she was 87 and had literally been attending there every week for her entire life. While she was healthy she not only attended every single event and service and whatever else the church had, but she got there early and worked to get things set up. She was one of those rare, sweet little old ladies who actually gave a good name to Christiankind, who would welcome anyone into her home at any time and sit them down for cookies and a good long chat.
Her funeral was yesterday and calling hours the evening before, but I didn't go. I planned to, but changed my mind at the last minute. Because I remembered Grandma and Aaron and all the others. I suppose it's obvious, but every time I attend funeral services or am just closely involved in a situation involving someone dying, I seem to take permanent damage. I thought people were supposed to just mourn and move on, but I mourn and then just... sort of mope, and never stop. Even if the death is someone I wasn't really really close to, like Aaron Reed; we grew up together in church and school, but we were never great friends or anything.
I guess it's just weird to me because I always thought I was the type that never seemed to be affected much by stuff like this. But I guess that was before all of these deaths started happening around me. I mean, of course I've known people who died throughout my life, but I never thought much of it, honestly. The last one I can really say that about was my great great uncle in... what, 2003? 2004? I don't know why that one didn't affect me much, but all the ones after that stayed with me to this day. And with each death, things pile up (or is that crash down?) a little more.
I don't know why I've been thinking about all this lately. Because of sweet old Mildred, I suppose, and the decision not to go to her funeral or calling hours. I felt bad, but I couldn't bring myself to add another funeral experience to that pile. It's hard enough knowing she died, but I've learned in the past couple years that funerals, ceremonies, memorials, etc... only make me more helplessly miserable.
But anyway. Enough with the depressing stuff.
One week from today I'll be flying out of here for this year's BLOOD tour. All the travel arrangements and things are taken care of, except one, but it's just a minor connection (ride from an airport) so I'm not really worried about it. My biggest concern is that I'll most likely come back from this thing quite literally broke, and thus will have to start seriously job-hunting immediately after I get back. I know, I've said that a million times over the past couple years... but unless Kiwamu finds a couple more jobs for me this month, I'm really out of time after this tour.
Wait, didn't I say enough with the depressing stuff?
Yeah... I would type up another J-drama review or two, but I think this is long enough already. Maybe later. So as a small hint until that time comes... I wanna visit Hokkaido. *pout*
comment! (1)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 3/01/2007 04:02:00 PM
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