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feeling: screwed up
listening to: badly out-of-sync audio
Found this old Japanese TV show tonight that had this segment where the intent, I suppose, was to help people improve themselves by hearing what the people around them really think of them but have trouble saying face to face. They bring the person into the center of a dark room and, behind him, bring in 12 of his friends/acquaintances/whatever dressed in cloaks and masks and hooked up to voice distortion mics so he won't recognize them. In this particular episode, the guy sat in his chair practically curled up in a ball whimpering and crying while his 12 "friends" verbally ripped him apart, making him sound like the most horrible, disgusting human being in the world, and sounding more like his mortal enemies than his companions and colleagues. When it was over, he fell to his hands and knees and groveled in front of them for a moment before hightailing it out of the room.
I think I could really use something like that. Just feeling a tremendous need to be kicked around and taken down to size right now. Even if the fault isn't 100% mine (which I'm convinced that it always is no matter what because everything that's gone wrong in my life always has been), still some part of it is... because if not for some action or lack thereof on my part, the people I love most would not hurt. Ever.
Every time it's the same: I don't know what to do, and I'm afraid anything I tried or said would only make it worse, but doing nothing makes it worse anyway, which leaves me with no other visible options and I end up alone again. My life is an endless repeat of this cycle, has been for years and years, through a dozen different people. Maybe if I could get all those people, past and present, to put on cloaks and masks and distort their voices and thoroughly chew me out until I was on my hands and knees begging for mercy, I could at least keep the past from repeating itself. It would hurt, but whatever. I never cared about myself. If turning myself into a punching bag, verbal or otherwise, would make anything better at all, I'd happily do it. Because I don't know what else I can do.
Maybe there really is something to be said for relationships. At least the part about having someone to hold you when everything is dark and cold. Or maybe I'm thinking of S&M relationships where the masochist feels redeemed after doing something wrong by having the filth beaten out of them.
...Wow, this post sucked. Here, have a more meaningful rant: I FREAKING HATE CLUBBOX.
Ok, I'm going now.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 7/12/2008 11:20:00 PM
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