Stuff You Don't Wanna Know But Are Reading Anyway

		wStuff You Don't Wanna Know But Are Reading Anyway
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wMonday, September 08, 2008

feeling: small
listening to: KinKi Kids - Aisareru Yori Aishitai

Best way to describe how things have been lately is that I feel powerless about a ton of things. Some things that shouldn't even matter to me, others that should and do but I can never do anything about... some things I've been trying to change or at least work on for ages but it never seems to go anywhere, others I can't do anything but sit and watch... and everything in between. Even my cat being sick for the past few days kicks up the helplessness meter by a few points.

Sometimes it just seems like no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, it's never enough and might as well be all for nothing. For a brief shining period of time over the summer I was just starting to feel a tiny bit better about myself and various things in my life, but gradually it's all been coming apart again, I guess. Dreams don't help either... dreams of betrayal, dreams of being hated, dreams of being used, dreams of death...

It's probably a good thing I was destined to live and die alone. This way I'll never have to let anyone down again. I just wasn't made to associate with people. When things happen, when moods change, when I'm supposed to do something... I freeze. I never know what to do. It gets tiring being a letdown all the time.

And on rare occasions when I do get something right... well... all my life, with practically every person who ever called me a friend, every person in whose life I thought I made a difference... it's like I only exist when nobody else does. They'd come crying to me when they were in pain or needed help or just wanted to vent whatever emotion they felt at the time, and as long as nobody else was around, they'd treat me like I was the sweetest friend on earth and was so important and meaningful in their life... but then, when I'm gone and they're talking to other people or speaking in more public venues, I don't even exist anymore. Not a mention, not a side glance, not a word of appreciation or even recognition... unless I'm there looking them in the eye and nobody else is around to notice. So what difference do I really make?

But it's rare that I ever even reach that point in someone's esteem. More often than not I'm just worthless. And still that only covers a couple of the things I feel powerless to affect right now.

Whatever; enough about me. On a much more interesting subject, I just discovered a few days ago that all the Sims 2 data on my PS2 memory card somehow got corrupted and vanished. None of my other games, just that one. Curse technology. My girls were doing really well.

And now I'm going to go climb into bed and fail at sleeping for half a day or so.

comment! (2)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 9/08/2008 12:39:00 AM

Comments:

You're not as powerless as you think. And you're not destined to live and die alone. Who told you that? Just keep moving. Who cares if you fail, you gotta try first. More than a few times. Hell, I fail a lot. A whoooole lot. Don't mean I give up. You need to stop worrying about letting others down cuz that's holding you back. *prods you*

-Erin

# posted by

Anonymous : 12:40 PM

I really consider myself responsible for all this. But you're not powerless or worthless, and I'm sorry if I made you feel ignored or unwanted or anything. And above all else alone.

Not sure what gets into me when I have those mood swings, but I guess I should just probably keep the things going through my psychotic mind to myself.

For whatever it's worth, I love you. I don't want to leave you alone, and I'm sorry for the things I have done and said to hurt you. You're still the only thing that keeps me living on this miserable planet at times. I'm sorry I'm not worthy of you, and can't do what's needed to heal the wounds in your heart.

# posted by

Morrigan : 8:59 PM