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feeling: conflicted
listening to: Gackt - Tsuki no Uta
Been thinking about some things lately. Things I've known for a good while, but never bothered to talk about or anything, because it doesn't matter. Not even sure why I decided to post about it here. Just bored, I guess.
I outgrow things. A lot, apparently. I always said my life progresses in two-year cycles, but the things in it can stay with me from anywhere to a few months to... well, the longest was probably 6 or 7 years. Which I guess is a long time as it's almost a quarter of my life, but still. Yeah, people change and all that, but I mean... on a larger scale, nothing of the person I was in high school remains in me now. The people, the desires, the interests, the hobbies, nothing. If I went to my 10 year reunion next year, which I won't, none of them would know me anymore. Which is fine with me, by the way. I don't care to know most of them either.
Ok, bringing up high school wasn't the best way to express this.
I mean... I know I've been aware of this for a long time, because it's part of why I'm so passive and indecisive. I know I have a history of changing my mind, of losing interest... of outgrowing. As a kid, I wanted to be a teacher. In high school, I wanted to go into journalism or even radio DJing. When I started college, I wanted to go into a creative pursuit like art or writing. When I was in my second year and still without a major and running out of time to declare one, and Japanese was my top choice, I was already terrified that I would base my entire future around it and then outgrow my fascination with Japanese culture after a couple years, like every other "passion" I ever had. I did not, by the way, outgrow it after a couple years like I feared, but that's beside the point. I mean, throughout most of my life I was known as the best artist in my school/church/social circle/etc... but now? I haven't drawn anything that wasn't a direct copy or trace in probably 2 years or more. That's just one example, not to even touch on the subject of people and desires and whatever else.
I was never one to have goals, or long-term plans, or even to think much about the future at all. Maybe because, when it all comes down to it, the future hasn't happened yet, which means that technically there is no future. But mostly because I just know my habit of outgrowing things... or having things outgrow me. However I look at it, I don't expect anything I have now to still be here after, oh, 5 or 6 years. Nothing significant in my life thus far has lasted longer than that.
I don't know what my point is here. Maybe this is just my way of recognizing the end of another one of those "eras" of my life. Maybe it's because I feel like a whole bunch of "eras" are ending all at once and suddenly I feel like there's nothing left. Maybe it's because I'm scared that the very few things in my life that have been present and consistent for the longest amount of time might finally be falling apart. I just know I haven't felt this empty and void of purpose in a long time.
...What did I come here to ramble about again? Honestly, all that inspired this post was a thought about some random thing I was interested in a few years ago but don't care about anymore, and it turns into all this mixed-up drivel and I've lost even myself. See, this is why I don't post anything but memes and crap in my journals anymore.
comment! (1)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 3/01/2009 10:47:00 PM
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