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wThursday, July 09, 2009

feeling: fatigued
listening to: nothing


Tonight, something randomly made me realize that I am relatively young, and barring the onset of some horrible disease or whatever, I probably have another half a century or more of life ahead of me.

And then I thought, augh, that long?

Fortunately, thanks to my genetic makeup, the likelihood of that horrible disease (or collection thereof) setting in is considerably high, so maybe I'll get out of a few of those decades after all.

I often say I'm a walking contradiction in that I can be too lazy to sit down unmoving and stare at the pages of a book for a couple hours. Or too tired to sleep, or too preoccupied to think, etc. But the failure I curse most often is my cowardice. I'm too chicken to even take the coward's way out.

Wonder if the insomnia and headache will shut up and let me sleep yet?

comment! (2)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 7/09/2009 03:45:00 AM


Comments:
Are you even suggesting what I think you are? If you are... then I have to admit to being both pissed off and sympathetic too.

Its enough that death takes us at 80... but to shorten when there is more to see, learn and just experience is wrong. I'm going to lay the guilt trip of think of the people you'll leave behind on you since it's not enough if you feel that way really, but you should consider what you WILL miss that is good. You're not deathly ill, or in insane pain are you? Then why beg for a death that is going to come and claim you 'naturally' as it is? I know, I shouldn't talk much since I get into the suicidal funk every now and then too... But I'm just trying to remind you of the things I remind myself of, if I have to look at purely selfishly.

I love you, and I hope some sleep or just time will make this feeling leave you soon.
 
No, I'm not suicidal. It's not even that anything specific in my life right now is bothering me. I just get into moods where it feels like there's nothing in my future, nothing meaningful I can do or contribute to anything, and no point in spending so many more decades living in vain. But nothing I would kill myself over... so yeah, nothing to worry about. Thanks, though. And sorry for pissing you off... didn't mean to.
 
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