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feeling: I wish I were tired...
listening to: Jamiroquai - Canned Heat
Well... here's a bunch of random stuff that doesn't matter...
Last week I got a phone call (which I missed, but it was followed up by an email) from the lady I talked to at YSK last year. Last year. Last April to be specific, when I dropped in long enough for them to practically give me a mini-interview before telling me they weren't hiring and taking my resume. Anyway, she said they're looking for someone local who's available come in at relatively short notice and interpret at meetings, medical visits, and such when she's not in the office. It would still be freelance as opposed to permanent, but at least it's income. I stressed over it for a couple days, knowing I don't have the fluency to be able to handle situations like that but also knowing I need the chance, before finally replying to tell her I was interested in at least trying it. I sent the reply last Thursday after an afternoon spent hovering over the send button.
But I guess I had nothing to stress about, because I haven't heard from her again since. Maybe she changed her mind. Oh well... I couldn't have handled it anyway.
In other... um, whatever... I've been trying something new lately. Something gave me the idea to set little simple day-by-day goals for myself first thing every day, using various methods to motivate myself to fulfill them (writing them down in a place where I can't overlook them, denying myself something until they're done, etc). So far it's actually been working. They're not huge goals - study a page in my kanji book, catch up on emails, start a new project, finish an old project, read a chapter in the Japanese literature book I got a month or so ago, etc. Actually, the primary objective was to get myself studying kanji again. I was up to 370-something in this book of 2000 essential kanji as of last fall, and then I just... stopped. Earlier this year I picked it up and reviewed all those 370-some over again, and just recently finally moved past that point. If I keep it up, tomorrow I'll hit the 400 mark. Which is kind of sad considering I could've been through the whole book by now... but yeah... anyway.
And the final pointless subject of today... I realized something earlier as I was doing some maintenance at my fansub community. I've been doing that stuff for almost 2 years now and it has never stopped feeling weird when those people shower me with praise and adoration and - I'm not kidding - marriage proposals and body organs. It's a daily thing, has been all this time, and it still always feels weird. A couple months or so ago someone on LJ made a meme-type post dedicated to leaving feedback for all the subbers and translators in the fandom I'm most known in... probably a couple dozen of them... and I was one of the two or three with the most comments, but unlike all the others whose threads were at least half criticism and downright complaining, every single one of mine was complimentary or just plain... fangirly. I think that was the day/week when I realized how popular I had become to them. Like... hogawd, I'm internet-famous. Should I be giddy or scared? ...See, that's exactly my point. It still just seems weird.
Anyway, my point is not to brag or toot my own horn or whatever (if all the repetitions of how weird it feels didn't get that point across). The point is that I only recently realized why it still feels so awkward. It's because I expect to hear voices of discontent. I expect people to criticize me, doubt me, hate me, wonder what my true motives are... etc. I expected it from the day I first decided to start sharing my work with them, and I certainly expected it as the community gained more and more members every day. But even now, after just admitting the 5500th member, I still haven't heard a single word of discontent - even when people had the chance to bombard me with it anonymously in that meme, or in the half a dozen "hate memes" that have popped up in that fandom since I got sucked into it. But... why?
It's not that I can't accept their accolades or don't want to. I appreciate their support and encouragement and I feel it's the least I can do to try and be amiable in return. It's just... totally unnatural to me. All I can think is that there must be some members-only forum somewhere, or friend-locked journals or at least IM convos, where some of them rant and moan and groan to each other about me in secret. I just keep waiting for someone to get the ball rolling... or something. I mean, even most or all of the people I've called close friends over the years have done stuff like that, and I definitely wouldn't say I can call all those 5500+ members my "friends." They don't know me. I guess in the end, the reality is that people who do know me are the ones who nurture discontent, and the ones who don't know me just haven't learned what a wretch I am yet. That's the only explanation that even comes close to making sense.
Yeah, I don't really have a point with all this. Just felt like spitting out that thought process while it was fresh in my head. And now I'm finally starting to feel kind of tired, so maybe I'll try this sleep thing.
...Speaking of sleep, my trend this week seems to be celebrity dreams. But not even celebrities that I'm crazy about, or even give much thought to on a regular basis. There was Toshi of the Japanese comedy duo Taka & Toshi one night, and Michael Jackson another night (Thriller era, for the record), and just last night, a Japanese actor I've seen in a few dramas and couldn't even remember the full name of until I woke up and looked it up. In the dream I just thought "Waki-san," I guess, and found when I woke up that it's Waki Tomohiro. But yeah, it's weird... you'd think if I would be having a sudden spurt of celebrity dreams, they'd be celebrities I'm actually a fan of or at least see/think about on some kind of regular basis. I only know Taka & Toshi through a variety show I see them on for a few minutes every week or two, and Waki Tomohiro was in the Gokusen dramas and Maou, none of which I've set eyes on in months.
And why am I still rambling? Didn't I decide to go to bed?...
[Saturday edit: Ok, add Drunk Dragon to the list of celebrity dream appearances...]
[2 weeks later edit: ...and now Mori Kumiko? This is just getting weird...]
comment! (1)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 8/21/2009 03:30:00 AM
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