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wStuff You Don't Wanna Know But Are Reading Anyway |
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I dunno how you found this, but alas, here you are. So enjoy the frightening fruits of my troubled little brain.
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wFriday, December 23, 2011 |
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feeling: tired
listening to: Maou OST - sAtAnAchiA
I've gotten all infatuated with this soundtrack again...
Been trying to get into J-drama again recently, just because I miss it. Hadn't watched any in ages... then after I started at Crunchyroll I decided to catch up on old anime series that I'd meant to watch/finish for years and never got around to, and then work really took off and I didn't even have time to watch anything that I wasn't making subtitles for... so I finally watched a couple of older drama series recently and got myself all nostalgic, yay.
The job's been going well, by the way. Just about to finish my sixth month with CR, and every paycheck's been higher than the last. It'll probably start to level out now though, since the fall simulcast season is starting to transition into winter, and we had a lot of backlog to catch up on in December which probably won't be a common thing from now on. Plus, though I was hired as a fixer (the last person in the subbing line who fixes errors in scripts before they go to launch), as of October or so I was also assigned to a couple of series as both translator and fixer... and I get called upon almost invariably a few times per week to fill in on episodes for other series when the people assigned to them are unavailable. Also of interest is that they just started their first J-drama simulcast, and though the drama itself isn't all that glamorous (pretty cheesy and predictable half-hour show about a housewife who doubles as a secret agent), it stars Kuriyama Chiaki.
I sort of feel like I've hit the big time when I get to say that my work day consisted of subtitling a Kuriyama Chiaki drama for international simulcast. :3;; Really hoping we get to do some more J-dramas in the future...
Otherwise, life has sort of sucked. >> Within the few days after Ginger died, my ulcer started acting up again, probably the worst it has in years... which I pretty much knew would happen after the hell that was November. I could barely even stomach more than an average-sized meal on Thanksgiving. Tragic. :\ Meds calmed it down a lot, but it's still not entirely comfortable all the time, which sucks because that dosage isn't supposed to be needed more than every 4 months... and if I'm gonna start needing it more often than that, it probably means something's gotten worse in there and I need to actually do something about it. As it is, ever since I became uninsured, every time I get the least little stomachache I start to worry that it's finally something serious this time. -_-
Anyway... yeah, thanks to my stupid stomach keeping me up all night every night for a couple weeks, I have once again forgotten how to sleep. Worst ulcer spell I've had in years immediately followed by the worst insomnia spell I've had in years. I can spend all day exhausted and miserable and fighting just to keep my head up, but then when I finally crawl under the covers, even if it's like right after midnight, I lay there awake until 6 or 7 in the morning no matter what I do. Last night was actually the best night I've had in weeks... got to sleep by 5am, woke up to my alarm at noon, and nothing woke me up in those 7 hours. Of course, I'm still tired, though.
Overall, 2011 kind of all-around sucked. The only really good things that happened were meeting Mst and getting the CR job. The rest was constant stress and disappointment and failed plans and depression and sickness and just crap. Life has about one week left to make something really awesome happen and redeem this stupid year before I deem it the worst I've ever lived through. >>
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 12/23/2011 11:38:00 PM
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wThursday, November 17, 2011 |
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Ginger is gone. I stayed close to her as much as I could these past two weeks, and she breathed her last breath while I was in the shower. Yep... a feline to the very end.
Obviously (or maybe not... I keep forgetting the internet can't read my mind... yet), I chose not to put her through surgery. Everyone around me from random cat-owned internet strangers to family to professionals figured it was far too risky for a cat of 16, and especially in her weakened state after weeks of barely eating. Besides, I knew when the deadline day the vet had given us for her medications passed that there was no saving her. And rather than let her die under anesthesia or during a painful recovery in a vet office cage surrounded by cold metal and strange people and noisy animals, I wanted her to live out her days in her home, surrounded by her family. I like to think she appreciated it - right up until last night, every time I went to check on her and try to offer her water (which she stopped drinking two days ago), she always tried her hardest to look at me and purr.
She remained in the same spot unable to get up anymore since sometime this morning, couldn't lift her head to look at me anymore since sometime this afternoon, and she finally succumbed around 11pm. I was in the shower, but at least my parents were beside her... It kills me that there was nothing I could do for her, especially knowing that everything else about her was perfectly healthy and she could have easily lived a few more years... but ever since she reached the point where she'd vomit up everything she tried to eat, all I've wanted was for her to not suffer anymore. After all these long, horrible weeks spent watching her deteriorate, that, at least, is one small relief.
I suppose I'll continue to cry my eyes out for another day or two and then marathon on some Whose Line videos on Youtube or something until I can smile again and move on.
Rest in peace, my little booger. I'm sorry I couldn't do any more to help. Life will never be the same without you.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 11/17/2011 12:17:00 AM
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wFriday, November 04, 2011 |
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feeling: depressed
listening to: nothing
So once again I disappear from the majority of the internet for a few months... actually I think this is the longest I've gone without updating my blog or LJ since I first started them in 2001 and 2004, respectively. Thought maybe posting here might finally vent out some of the stress and angst that's been going on for a couple weeks and hit a record high (low?) point today.
Remember my cat Ginger? My closest and truest and fattest little buddy who has the same birthday as me and has stuck with me for 16 years?
Well, somewhere between the end of September and the beginning of October, I discovered that I could just slightly feel her spine when petting her. Anyone who's seen her or the pictures I've splattered all around the net should recall that she was always a fat cat. Heck, she was born fat. Biggest in her litter, the boss of her three siblings... and the only one to find a permanent home and survive more than a few years. Anyway, yeah, fat. Hence my slight concern when I felt her spine that day. But she didn't really look any different and nothing in her behavior had changed... except being a little more picky about her food, possibly... so I just chalked it all up to the fact that she'd just turned 16 and was starting to slow down a bit as 80-something-in-human-years cats do.
But then over the next couple weeks, she ate less and less of her beloved senior citizen formula kibble, and when she did it looked like she was having trouble crunching it small enough to swallow, and would get frustrated and turn her back on it. Finally, just a couple weeks ago, she practically gave up altogether and was down to eating just a few bites a day. Consequently she grew weaker and stopped following everyone around whining for food and attention, and even stopped coming upstairs to my room, which was always her favorite hangout (and among her favorite activities was climbing all over me and licking my face to wake me up every morning). I thought maybe her teeth were just worn out with her age, and thought to try switching her to a canned food... of which she wolfed down half a can on the first offering and came back looking for more, which led me to believe this might turn her around. That was just Wednesday of last week.
Well, the next day, throughout the entire day, she didn't even finish half of what was left in that can... and from then on she ate less and less by the day. Out of the two cans we started with last Wednesday, as of this point 8 days later, Thursday night, she hasn't even finished the second can... and a lot of what we've offered her just dried up and went to waste. Seemed she wasn't really eating it; she was just licking the wet runny parts out of it, and leaving the drier chunky bits behind. So much for that.
By the end of the week she was literally skin and bones, and was so weak she couldn't walk straight and could barely even stand without wobbling, so I caved in and brought up the dreaded V-word. The rest of the family thought this was ridiculous and insisted that she was just old and losing her appetite... but I knew it was all just too sudden and too drastic to be simple aging, when she's always been the picture of good health (fat, but good) up to just a matter of weeks ago.
However, by then it was Friday and too late to call any vet offices... and of course, like every weekend, my nephew was here from Friday through Sunday and the world revolves around him when he's here. And of course, Ginger doesn't like him since he's too noisy and rough and thinks she's just a toy and thinks it's fun to scare her and pick on her, etc etc... so yeah, one long, stressful weekend later...
On Monday, however, she actually seemed a little more active, occasionally walking around the house talking to us and even wanting to go outside, and staying there for a few hours. Still didn't eat much, but we thought since she seemed to have some strength back, some appetite might be close behind... so we put off the vet call.
Tuesday, again, she went outside for a bit and was a little more active, but still no positive changes in her eating... so we made a vet appointment for Wednesday afternoon. But when the day came, she went outside again... and didn't come back by the time of her appointment. Mom and I searched and called and waited and waited, but no sign of her... so we had to reschedule the appointment and I spent the day worrying that she was stuck somewhere too weak to get back home. The sun started to set and still no sign of her... so both my parents and I went out looking again, combed every inch of the property and beyond for about an hour, when it got too dark to search. So I came back in and was so worried and depressed I couldn't get anything done for hours. When I went downstairs for one last drink refill around 10:30pm to see her at the door waiting eagerly to come in, I was so relieved I could've cried. She even went straight to her food dish and ate more than I'd seen her eat in one sitting (in one day, even) for over a week. Her old dry kibbles, no less.
Was feeling slightly better about things when I woke up today (Thursday), the day of her rescheduled appointment. She was still weak and not eating though, so we kept to the schedule and Mom came with me to bring her to the vet. Her first time seeing one (first time in the carrier as well) since she was spayed and vaccinated as a kitten. Hated to stress her like that in her weakened state... but if there might be some simple issue causing it, like a broken tooth or weakening kidney, I wanted to know and fix it instead of just letting her waste away over something potentially treatable.
So we got her to the vet, and within about 30 seconds of taking her out of the carrier, he found the problem.
A big mass in her abdomen. Somewhere between her stomach and large intestine.
He took an X-ray to confirm, but couldn't conclude what it actually was beyond three theories: a hairball, backed up fecal matter, or at worst, a tumor. So he gave her an appetite stimulant, an anti-inflammatory, and a laxative/lubricant, and sent us home with directions to keep them up for a few days and see if she'd pass the thing on her own, and call him early next week.
So we got her home, got her calmed down (she was very quiet and still through the whole thing, only meowed or growled a few times, but I'm pretty sure she was frozen with fear and her heart was running a mile a minute), and just... waited. A few hours later she started with this constant, pitiful, distressed crying, and walking around all weak and hunched over and stepping tenderly and looking just like I'd imagine a cat with a nasty tummyache would look. Of course, the one time in my life I ever had to take a laxative, I immediately felt like I was going to puke too, so I couldn't blame her... but there was nothing I could do... she kept going into the kitchen and looking for food, but no matter what we gave her she'd only take a few licks and walk away again... then come back a minute later only to repeat the process... all the while looking just absolutely pitiful. Even her voice sounded different for the rest of the night, these weak, scratchy, painful-sounding, heart-stabbing little meows... constantly... constantly...
ugh... *takes a cry break*
You know, many years ago, I had a friend whose family had a cat that was like, 20 or 21 years old or something. Peewee, her name was. And every time I saw that cat, my heart just broke at how pitiful and decrepit she looked... all skin and bones, fur falling out, walking low to the ground and with wobbly baby steps when she walked at all, voice all weak and scratchy and barely audible.
With the exception of the fur loss, that is what Ginger has looked like all evening since she came home from the vet.
She's 16. Yeah, that's old, but not decrepit-old. Barely a month ago she was still eating and active and pudgy and annoying and still my Ginger. She didn't even look this bad in the morning before her vet visit. I don't know if it's just the meds... the laxative was supposed to be super-gentle and not much different from a daily anti-hairball lubricant, and the appetite stimulant should've made her want to eat more, not less (though she's been constantly looking for food, just not eating more than a couple licks at a time before giving up)... she's not so old that she should be wasting away like this all in the course of about a month.
Even if it's just a tummyache from the meds... I can't stand seeing her like this. It's breaking my heart and I've been fighting tears for all I'm worth ever since we took her to the vet. My fat annoying little shadow isn't supposed to look like this. Not until she's 20-something years old and actually showing normal signs of aging. Seriously, her eyesight is perfect, her hearing is perfect, her heart and lungs are strong, her skin and fur look gorgeous, her teeth are fine, her urine and stool have been normal (except reduced lately with less food going through her)... she should have had a good few years left. I'm having trouble believing that a simple hairball or backed-up stool could reduce her to this. For one thing, in my (limited) understanding, when a foreign object like that blocks the digestive tract, there's usually vomiting or bleeding or some other unwholesome messy symptom involved. A slow-growing tumor seems less likely to do that. But then, a slow-growing tumor also doesn't seem as likely to cause this much degeneration in such a short time.
But isn't that just how it goes? An animal that's been sickly all its life can live on and on and on before quietly and peacefully succumbing to old age complications, while the healthiest animal in the world just starts to get "old" and then suddenly, WHAM - ends up with the least likely of anomalies leading to the most painful and agonizing death. It was the same with all the bettas I had - the ones that were strong and healthy and robust and never got sick all their lives, died in prolonged and untreatable pain from horrible things like Pixel with her random tumor and Magnus with his dropsy.
I know nothing is conclusive yet and it's still early in Ginger's case... but honestly... I'm not optimistic. For her sake I want to be, but something tells me no laxative is going to push that mass out of her. Of course I'll spend the rest of her life praying that it will until something tells me with 100% certainty otherwise, but I just... can't see this reversing itself. I also don't want to keep forcing these drugs down her throat if they're going to make her so miserable all the time. Whether it's mostly the meds or not, it's already like she's not even the same cat anymore. She doesn't look, sound, or act anything like my Ginger should. The only time she feels like the same old Ginger is when I'm holding her and she relaxes in my arms purring... but even then it's not the same since she's so much quieter, limper, and much, much lighter.
And if it is a tumor, from the shape it seems most likely to be benign and thus removable, but between the anesthesia and the pain and stress of recovery, operating on a 16 year old cat is risky at best. I could try to prolong her life by a couple years only to end up stressing her enough to shorten it by the same amount. Vets always do all kinds of tests to determine whether all a cat's organs are in good enough shape to handle an operation... but as weak as Ginger has been these past few weeks, I just don't know if she's strong enough to take it.
So, assuming this is a tumor... and my inherently pessimistic gut tells me it is... this is probably the end of the line for my baby. It'll just be a matter of keeping her as comfortable as possible until she just can't keep going any longer. I wonder if she'll even make it another year...
Of course, I fully intend to stay close to her as much as possible and give her all the help I possibly can... and just hope and pray that the low odds of that stupid mass being just a hairball end up miraculously winning out.
...I just know I won't be getting any sleep tonight. Just like pretty much every night for the past two weeks. I can't help it... she's been my closest friend since I was 13. At one point or two she was my only real friend. And now it's like she's not even the same cat and she looks so miserable and I just feel so powerless...
...Ok, time to quit. Vision is getting too wet and blurry to see the screen anymore. Sorry for whining forever.
comment! (1)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 11/04/2011 01:34:00 AM
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wWednesday, July 13, 2011 |
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feeling: cautiously hopeful
listening to: THE SOUND BEE HD - Eien
Well, I was right... summer of 2011 is shaping up to be interesting...
First of all, I didn't talk about it much before since we weren't ready to announce anything, but two of the girls I've worked with on band tours over the years and gotten to be good friends with, Tiffany and Reiko, and myself decided to start a new J-rock centered promotion/marketing/sponsor team. For a few months we talked about it, then after banding together over various points of discontent with the area of the scene that we've been working in for years, we started having meetings, making plans, digging up necessary knowledge and resources, and getting some things solidified. Of course, the first round of plans didn't quite go as we'd hoped... but we decided to at least start throwing our name out there where people could find it. We made a webpage, Twitter and a Facebook, for starters - mostly just to have them made and add to them later. We added little mentions of our project to our Ameba and mixi profiles. That sort of thing.
Well, for a few weeks everyone was preoccupied by other things and we didn't achieve much forward motion... but then, out of nowhere, we were contacted by an up-and-coming band with aspirations of performing overseas and wanting our help. And, heh... the scramble began. @_@ Now we're in that tricky stage of trying to find them a venue... all as we're still constructing plans for a handful of other events we hope to bring together by this fall...
I just really, really hope this all works out. I know we're capable of doing what we've set out to do, but the American visual kei scene is an increasingly tough industry...
Anyway, on the personal front, I got an email the day before my birthday from a job prospect I had forgotten I'd applied to. More than a year ago I had sent an email to Crunchyroll, that anime streaming site that went legal a few years back and gained licensing rights to subtitle and release anime through its site commercially, to ask if they had any openings. After a few months went by with no response I had given up... then, 13 months later, they actually replied after all. Over the next week or two all the paperwork was done and I was set up with all the contacts and materials I'd need, and now I'm officially a professional anime subber. The pay isn't much, and it'll be even less after taxes since it's an independent contractor gig, but it's a start... and it's bound to be a lot more interesting than translating car part manuals and junk.
Of course, my parents aren't as excited about it as I and the few people I've told about it are. They're supportive, but it's impossible to miss the disappointment in their voices and faces when I talk to them about it. Parents will be parents, I guess... never truly satisfied or proud until I get something full-time and paying at least $20 an hour with full benefits. No matter how bored and stressed and depressed and unsatisfied it would leave their kid for the rest of their life.
I'm trying to be optimistic, anyway. It's about all anyone can do, right?
So... my present dilemma is that I'm tired but not sleepy. I've been trying to get back into the bike riding routine I started last year, since it actually helped a bit then and I gained so much weight over the winter it's rather depressing. Well, I couldn't ride yesterday because I got my first assignment from Crunchyroll in the afternoon, then right after that I had to take off for the evening because I'm helping out this week at the family church's vacation bible school, and by the time I get home from there it's pretty much dark already. So today I really wanted my ride before I had to leave for the evening... and I made the mistake of going out to ride through the FREAKING FIRES OF HELL. I swear, this kind of heat and humidity should be illegal. I barely managed half an hour, came back in feeling like I might pass out until I chugged a huge bottle of water and a glass of iced tea, spent the evening surrounded by 50 kids and one giant headache, STILL needed another glass of water and two of iced tea before I stopped feeling parched, then fell asleep here in my computer chair for I don't even know how long. So after all that, now I'll be up all night... great.
...Come on, -----con and -------con and Anime -----, respond to us pleeeeease... orz
comment! (2)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 7/13/2011 02:16:00 AM
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wSunday, April 17, 2011 |
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feeling: sleepy
listening to: Miyavi - Freedom Fighters
Haha. Seriously? Four months? Does anyone even bother looking at this blog anymore? :P
This might end up becoming nothing more than a rant dump for my con/band experiences... last time I posted here was to squee about Nekocon, and now here I am again coming fresh off the roller coaster that was Tekkoshocon.
So we brought lix over. Awesomeness. Still wish I could have met the original members... but I wouldn't have traded what we did get for that. And that was pretty much all for one reason: Mst. Yeah, the new vocalist Chihiro is nice and sweet and awesome, and Sho is possibly the most adorable giant I've ever met (DROID. *dies*), not to mention he was part of the original LIX. lineup...
But Mst was the original bassist of Suicide Ali back in 2005-2007, so I knew him in name only for six years when I found out he'd be coming here as the support bassist for lix... and it's pretty much a given that anyone who's ever been connected with Suicide Ali is going to be one of the most awesome people in the world :P, so I was psyched to finally meet him. I was also kinda nervous though, because all I had to go by were his blogs, which kind of gave me the impression of a really... weird, eccentric, aloof, self-centered kinda guy. Didn't help that he was the only SA member whose blog entries were TOTALLY over my head and I couldn't manage to translate a single entry for the fansite Morrigan used to run. >_>
Then I actually met him, and within hours he actually approached me himself and said "By the way, I know you! :>" and that he remembered me as Suicide Ali staff back when he was a member, and reached out to shake my hand and everything. He did the same thing to Tiffany when he met her later on. Wow. :D But yeah, from that first introduction onward he came to me for EVERYTHING. Even when I had been appointed to go walk a couple blocks over to McDonald's one morning to pick up everyone's breakfast orders, he volunteered himself and Sho to go with me so I wouldn't have to go wandering all over downtown alone. Awww. <3 And when he had the option of whose car to ride in, who to follow, who to sit with, who to ask questions/favors, etc... it was always me and, if she was there, Tiffany. He totally took to us right from the start. ^__^
I mean, I had expected him to be just kind of along for the ride since he was just there as a support member, but as we bonded over the weekend (lol) I found out that he's actually VERY professional and serious about his musical career, and gained a lot of respect for him. He even reminded me a little of The Sound Bee HD's Daisuke by the end of the weekend (which is saying something since Daisuke kind of became my new musical hero after Nekocon) - both so talented and professional and focused, so friendly and sort of father-like in the way they look out for their bandmates and buddies, so in love with music that they both can't help bopping and dancing all over the place whenever it's playing... yet both so tiny. XD (...I can't help being drawn to super-charismatic super-awesome band leaders who happen to be shorter than me, ok? *shot)
Oh, and yeah, Mst is a band leader too. Kinda. He's been working on his own solo project for a few years now, and just recently he found some permanent members and got things together enough to start conducting activities in a band-like format. It's called Shiki. Wonder if he has any plans to sign them on with Starwave Records... >_> <_<...
So anyway. Tekkoshocon this year was... physically a lot better for me than last year, largely because 1) we had one band to look after instead of two, 2) our schedules were nicely and neatly laid out so we always knew where we had to be and when with no sudden surprises, and 3) I actually managed to EAT this year. Seriously, there was one day at Tekko last year when I ate nothing more than, like, four pieces of sushi and a cookie in a 24-hour period... and the other days weren't much better. A potato chip here, a half-sandwich there. But this year I actually ate meals, if small ones. Made a huge difference.
Still, there was a lot of drama behind the scenes. A LOT of drama. For weeks before the con, continuing during the con, and still carrying on two weeks after the con. Some things have me worried that I and certain band members won't ever be able to look back on the con in an entirely positive light again... some of us I know will always remember it as the worst weekend ever. I sort of ended up stuck between both worlds... but the one factor that tipped the scales toward the positive side for me was Mst. He was just absolutely sweet and amazing throughout the con, and for a long time afterward he still couldn't stop talking on his blog about what a great time he had here, how grateful he was, how much he loved everyone, etc etc. All the guys were great, but he was the one who really made it rewarding.
And it's still kind of weird in an awesome way to think that we had known each other in name only for six years, and then we finally met for the first time and just totally bonded like that. He said the same thing on his blog too, lol. Can't help smiling every time I think about how that worked out. :D
...This is why I love what I do. Despite all the stress and drama and lack of financial reward, I get to meet some of the absolute coolest people in the world. Not to mention front row access to their concerts. lix's concerts, by the way, were PERFECT. Technically speaking, possibly the best and most flawless we've ever sponsored. <3
Ok, I guess I've gotten the blogging bug out of my system for the next... few months or whatever, lol. Though, if things go the way I'm hoping, there might be some exciting new things on the horizon to talk about by early summer or so... we shall have to see...
comment! (2)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 4/17/2011 11:39:00 PM
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