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wStuff You Don't Wanna Know But Are Reading Anyway |
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I dunno how you found this, but alas, here you are. So enjoy the frightening fruits of my troubled little brain.
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wTuesday, December 30, 2003 |
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feeling: I do not know
listening to: Nanase Aikawa - Bye Bye
I just remembered... not long after I started this blog I said that whenever I was "listening to" a song with a Japanese title, I'd include the title's translation, just to be cool or something. Yet it's probably been over a year since I've actually done that. Bad me. Not that this applies to this particular post anyway, but... I dunno, now that I've reminded myself, maybe I'll start doing that again. Remind me if I forget.
Seer
The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla
Ouch! Welcome to my Christmas. You didn't like all
(if any) of your presents. You feel isolated
and alone, and this year, the spirit of
Christmas didn't do much to lift your spirits.
How bad was your Christmas?
brought to you by Quizilla
The delete key! You are so depressed, you want to
delete from existence
Thank's for taking my quiz!
Which key on the keyboard are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
How many...
... siblings do you have?: 1, older brother
... pets do you have?: 5... 2 bettas, 2 cats, 1 dog
... friends do you have on your buddy list?: 58... about 3 of whom I talk to with any kind of regularness
... boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?: 0
... times have you been kissed?: I could count them on one hand if I so desired, but I don't
... times have you been dumped?: in the traditional sense of the word, 0
... times have you dumped a bf/gf?: 0
... sexual partners have you had?: 0
... people have you had sex with at one time?: 0
... would you have sex with at one time?: *thinks*... 1
... times have you had sex in a 24 hour time period?: 0
... nights have you gone without going to bed at all?: umm, 2 or 3... only 1 was really intentional
... subjects in school have you failed?: 0
... kids do you want?: 0
... times have you been on another continent than where you live now?: 0 -_-
... times have you tripped over your own feet?: more than I care to count
... car accidents have you been in?: maybe 3 or 4... ish. none serious.
... speeding tickets have you recieved?: 0... but then again, I drive maybe once every other month on average anymore
... times have you left your lights on in your car?: 0, I think
... sports trophies have you recieved?: 0 trophies, 1 or 2 letters, a few pins
... cigarettes have you smoked at one time?: 0
... beers have you consumed at one time?: 0
... dollars have you spent in one store?: not a clue... $200 at most, maybe
... many candles were on your last birthday cake (figuratively speaking)?: 21, and you would have gotten a 2 if not for the parenthetical amendment there heh
... tattoos do you have?: 0
... piercings do you have?: 2... 1 per ear... thrilling, no?
... pairs of shoes do you have?: that I actively wear, maybe 3... can't even count the rest
... times have you been to the beach?: 0
... times have you flone in a plane?: flone? spell check, for Bob's sake... anyway, just 1 round trip
... times have you gone fishing?: lots... those were the days
... times have you gone white water rafting?: 0
... times have you gone skiing?: 0
... times have you gone canoeing?: 2 or 3... the best one was when I dumped my dad getting out of the boat... I only wish I could've gotten a picture of him totally underwater except for one hand, which was holding the camera above the surface :P
... times have you gone ice-skating?: 0
... times have you been to a concert?: 2 "real" ones, 2 or 3 various concert-like things
... times have you gone skinny dipping?: 0
... times have you moved into a new house?: 1, when I was 6
Another shockingly informative post from yours truly.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 12/30/2003 08:18:00 PM
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wFriday, December 26, 2003 |
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feeling: my eyes hurt
listening to: nothing
Oh yeah... forgot to mention I saw a coyote on the way to grandma's on Eve night. That was probably the coolest part of the holidays this year. Apparently they're running around all over the place anymore, but I've never seen a wild one up till that night... that made me bounce a couple times heh
Good freaking morning, by the way. Why am I awake at 7 a.m.? I don't know either.
I spent a couple hours wafting in and out of half-sleep while watching Utena, then around 4:30 I finally gave up and got ready for bed, but I couldn't get to sleep because my stomach was going insane. On top of that, I was shaking like a bald chihuahua in a blizzard, which is usually an indication that I'm sick in one way or another. So I went downstairs to curl up on the couch in one of grandma's afghans - a comfort zone I've retreated to during times of sickness for as long as I can remember. Dozed for an hour or slightly more, then decided I felt better enough to try to sleep in my own bed again... but just as I was drifting off, around 6:30, I heard a car pull in the driveway. Anyone who's been reading this long enough to remember the two break-ins we had last year (one of which occurred while I was home alone) can probably guess that I was hit by a wave of paranoia, so I went downstairs, where dad was already up and puttering around even though he's off work today, because he's some kind of robot who can function at such ungodly hours... and he said it was Gakidaddy going deer hunting. So I dragged myself back to bed and spent another half hour trying to sleep, but between the growing daylight, my stomach still complaining, and God only knows what else, sleep would not come. When my eyes started aching from failed attempts at forcing them to stay shut, I said screw it and got up. And here we are. I can't even put my contacts in yet because they're supposed to disinfect for 4 hours and I just took them out 3 hours ago, so I'm sitting here in my stupid evil giant glasses that I haven't worn since, like, high school.
I'm gonna have a headache vile enough to knock over a yak here in a couple hours. What a spifferific day this is turning into.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 12/26/2003 07:29:00 AM
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wThursday, December 25, 2003 |
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feeling: burned out
listening to: Family Guy
So much for my favorite holiday. For the first time, I never did find Christmas this year. But it kinda helps knowing I'm not the only one... seems like there may not have even been half as many decorated/lit homes and buildings around my hometown this year as in past years, and a lot of the relatives we visited in the past week said they just never got around to Christmas either. What went wrong this year?
The only thing I really enjoyed this year was hanging with Dumplin' and her brother at my dad's family's party... but theoretically, being that we're cousins, we could do that any time of the year, not just on the holidays. Plus, as the evening went on, even they seemed kinda... quiet, pensive, down, something like that. I hope I didn't rub off on them. -_- I guess seeing my nephew on Eve and Eve Eve was good too... but even he was a total bear when we saw him today. We're talking the most cheerful, ornery, good-natured 2 year old I've ever seen, spending Christmas day grouching and crying and screaming and throwing things around in disgust and refusing to even look at his presents, let alone open them. If that's not depressing, I don't know what is.
My parents spoiled me again this year, as did most of the rest of my family... my total Christmas haul: about $220, one of those 3-in-1 pocket digicams, 100 CD-Rs, some sort of tiny jewelry/trinket box, a crucifix necklace (the only jewelry this year - fortunate, because I don't wear jewelry), Snoopy Christmas T-shirt, some white shirt with a random cartoony pink bug on it, watercolors, a calendar, a stuffed white tiger in the same pose and style as the giant one I got a few years ago but about half the size, a little chibi version of the same white tiger along with an orange tiger and a leopard in the same style (the pantheon! *hugs Dumplin'*), a delicate-looking Chinese wall decor thingy, a mug that says Hero *glare*, an issue of Newtype with a promo DVD, a plain dark blue sweater, jeans in a size that might actually fit following all this skinnification, a [omitted because we got one for Dumplin' too but it hasn't come in yet], a Broken Miho poster, three different Whitman's candy samples with little Snoopy figures, this year's Snoopy Hallmark ornaments, Snoopy collectible chess and monopoly sets, Utena manga vol. 4, Utena Black Rose DVD box set, the Escaflowne movie (finally), the Love Hina Christmas special, Xena season 1 on DVD (yay parents :P)... and I think that's it. Dumplin', I didn't forget anything from Eve night, did I? >.> Oh, and grandma also gave me a little bowl of homemade honey mustard cause she asked for my opinion on it and I gave her a hearty thumbs up... heh
I could've slept pretty much through the afternoon today, but grandpa, Gaki, and Gakidaddy ended up coming by unannounced at, like, 10 a.m., even though grandma had told us the previous night that they probably wouldn't do so and they'd call if they decided they would. So I had to drag myself out of bed into their midst, and naturally Gakidaddy rode all over me for sleeping through half their visit, obnoxious irritating creature that he is. I swear, just being within throwing distance of him and/or his daughter makes me want to chew on drywall for a few hours.
So did I get everything I wanted? Yes and no. I didn't really want anything this year... but mom was demanding a list for weeks, so finally I threw one together that consisted of stuff I wouldn't mind having, but nothing I need or would give my right arm for or anything. Just ideas. However, there were a couple things I kind of expected - slim jewel cases, because I ran out and dad suggested it to half my relatives, and a PS2, because dad was talking about how he saw some on eBay for $118ish and he has a semi-obsessive habit of getting stuff from eBay... but I didn't get either of those. Meh. Jewel cases are cheap and I won't have much free time over these next 2 quarters for gaming anyway.
Christmas is over. Wa-freakin-hey. Now TV goes back to its regular schedule and I can sleep at night unhindered again.
...well, anyway, now TV goes back to its regular schedule.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 12/25/2003 11:56:00 PM
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wMonday, December 22, 2003 |
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feeling: suspicious... no, heck... let's just say scared
listening to: 93.3... Christmas music
Cantata was disappointing. I had to sit in the back row this year for some stupid reason that I'm sure makes no sense... the sopranos have ALWAYS been in front, especially the little long-established 'trio' of me, Asai, and Asai2. They moved 3 of us back this year. I don't get it. Terri said they just wanted to have all the soloists in the front row and non-soloists in back with the men, but like... less than half the front row had solos. One important soloist stayed in the back row too, and the most treasured member of the choir whom we absolutely couldn't survive without *cough* didn't have a solo, yet she remained in front too. Someone else has never sat in front before, and didn't have a solo, but she was moved to the front. This year was royally screwy. And we only did 5 songs, only 2 of which do anything at all for me, and that's not saying much... and we didn't do Carol of the Bells a capella at the end like we usually do, which is usually my favorite part. I'm not even gonna go into why not... I had a big personal rant session last night about that and I don't feel like dragging it up again. But yeah. This year kinda sucked for me... that's a first. I'm really hoping next year will be back to relative normalcy... choir is one of the few reasons I ever go to church anymore (the 2 others being Linda and my parents), and if it continues to suck I might have to just give up. Hate that idea.
So now that the cantata's failed me, I still have no Christmas spirit. I like the idea that it's coming and I can't wait to hang with Dumplin' on Christmas Eve, but other than that... nothing. What is wrong with me? I still think that stupid Mariah song I mentioned a couple posts ago hits too close to home and is screwing me up this year. Erg.
It dawned on me recently that I really miss what I had about 5 years ago, and I can never have it back. We're still friendly, but it can never be the same again. We've just grown our separate ways. Why do people have to grow up? I'd be happy if I could've stayed 15 or so... which is kinda sad, cause that's about the age when most people go through all that adolescent angst/depression stuff. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that... happens to everyone. It just happened to me about 5 years late. I never asked to grow up...
Heh, Willard said he was gonna go to bitter person hell, and I to bitter person heaven... it'll take me a while to figure that one out :P Seriously though... I honestly haven't been bitter in several years. Life's too short to be bitter. I just sit around and quietly ache to death by myself instead.
On top of all that, it feels like my last chance is standing in front of me again... but I don't know what to do, what to say... and I have a feeling whatever I decide, I'll end up regretting, because I just can't win. It's a law.
Add all of that up, and the end result is a depressed me. Again. Making myself depressed is my greatest skill. Actually, no... that doesn't really take any skill these days... my greatest skill, I think, is refraining from doing anything to feel better. Haven't decided if that's thanks to willpower or just stupidity. Probably the latter.
...remember that last chance thing? I think it just slipped away again... man, life really sucks right now
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 12/22/2003 12:52:00 AM
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wMonday, December 15, 2003 |
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feeling: sore from coughing
listening to: David Coverdale w/Jimmy Page - Take Me For a Little While
I just noticed one of my 4 related searches was 'l33t'. And another was '1337'. LOL... those things amuse me way too much... once there was one about fertility drugs *shrug*
Haven't felt like updating lately... still don't, really, especially since the one person I know who reads this will likely be offline until after Christmas... but whatever. So here's where I've been in the last couple weeks, just in case you care.
Friday, Dec. 5 - last day of classes. Only one class, which was spent watching Spirited Away in Japanese without subtitles. Day started out ok, but as it got later something started to feel different. In what way, I had no idea... just... something was missing, or out of place, or changing, or something. Different. By late night (or early morning for those like me), I'd grown so paranoid that something life-shattering was about to happen, it somehow turned into a big self-pity fest and I spent the next few days depressed again. Made a post about it in my AIM subprofile if you wanna see it... heh. Didn't sleep more than a few hours that night.
Saturday, Dec. 6 - possibly the worst and longest day of my life, for no apparent reason. I didn't even really do anything all day, but I was in THE worst mood I've ever been in. The tiniest little things sent me into screaming/growling fits, and on a few occasions I had to get up and just randomly walk around the room kicking things. No idea where this mood came from, but I blame it for my failure to start my history essay final which was due the following Wednesday. I did do a couple hours of reading and research for the first half of it though. Might've gotten even less sleep that night than the night before.
Sunday, Dec. 7 - foul mood was mostly soothed, but still wasn't a great day. Spent it hiding from the world, mostly, continuing the depression bout kicked off two nights before. Did some more research and a lot of actual work on the first of two 4-page essays in my history final. Both of those questions were impossible... anyway, then came yet another night of insomnia-for-no-apparent-reason.
Monday, Dec. 8 - begin Finals Week. Got up early (11:30 - hey, during finals week, that's early) despite the fact that I was actually asleep when my alarm went off, and went to Cunz Hall to do my Japanese oral interview final. Got there 15 minutes early and, instead of other students from my class, found a bunch of second-year students waiting around outside the designated room. Freaked out, spent the next 20 minutes searching every floor in the building, finally stopping to ask some Korean (?) TA whose cubicle was next to that of Horn-sensei's if she had seen Horn-sensei recently. She hadn't, but someone else overheard and said he might be in the computer lab downstairs. He wasn't, but I found a guy from my class in there, and he said he'd had the same problem as me, and he'd found out that our interviews were actually tomorrow. When they were moved, I don't know. So I went home muttering, had lunch, and screwed around for a while until the parents came to pick me up for Nephy's birthday party. Which was pretty fun, because he is the cutest, smartest little 2-year-old mancub I've ever seen, and he adores me. First word out of his mouth when he saw my family approaching the house was "BECKY!", despite the fact that I was behind both my parents, barely in his sight range. Anyway, then went back to the dorm, finished the first essay of my history final, did some research for the second one, and endured another night of insomnia.
Tuesday, Dec. 9 - got up even earlier than the day before, took a shower, and went back to Cunz for my oral final. Could've gone worse, but could've gone a lot better. Got lunch, spent the rest of the day researching and typing the second history final essay. Took a break for about half an hour or so at one point just to lay on the bed for a while and release a pent-up tantrum about how impossible this paper was and how much this class sucked and how tired I was and various other things that had been eating away at me forever. By the time I got back to work, I had decided to pretty much ignore 1 or 2 of the 9 almost totally unrelated freaking questions that composed this essay question, focusing on answering it the way I wanted to for once, screw the professor. With 2 paragraphs to go, I realized my throat was starting to sting - the first sign of an impending cold/flu thing. By the time I had finished, cleaned up, and printed both essays, the fever had hit, compounding with the past few nights of 2-4 hours of sleep each, making it harder and harder to move. Went to bed hours earlier than I have in many months - before 1:30.
Wednesday, Dec. 10 - got up at 11:30, having slept for no more than 4 hours, again. Felt like crap and had no medicine that would've helped (except maybe Tylenol for the fever, but my brain was too dead to think of that at the time, I guess), but had no choice but to walk through the rain to hand in my history final, marking the end of Finals Week for me. Returned to the dorm, forced down a bowl of soup, did some packing, then felt so absolutely miserable I had to lie down for a couple hours, leaving half the packing undone and both fish tanks yet to be disassembled by the time my parents came to take me home. Got home, left the suitcase mostly packed, set up my computer, took something for the fever and laid down for a while, set up the fish tanks, and spent much of the rest of the night lying around feeling like crap. Yet again, didn't sleep but a few hours, despite the lack of finals stress.
Thursday, Dec. 11 - the height of cold/flu misery, and still had to spend half the day helping Mom babysit. My throat hurt like mad, but we had no cough syrup or throat drops of any kind, so all I could do was keep the fever down and whine about the rest. Stayed home while the parents took Nephy home, spent the rest of the evening in misery, until they came home (late) with Sucrets and Nyquil. I love Nyquil. That was probably the first night in weeks that I'd actually slept for nearly, if not a full 8 hours.
Friday, Dec. 12 - continued cold/flu misery, but fortunately, nothing major on the schedule. Stayed home while Mom and Dad went to a high school basketball game, during which time 2 things happened: 1) the big round 4-wick candle Mom had burning in the kitchen melted weird, resulting in a huge puddle of melted (later solid, of course) wax surrounding said candle, staining the counter and nearly taking with it some nearby papers. 2) Later found Misty, our nearly-14-year-old feline, under the Christmas tree, which gives Mom fits because Misty has used that spot as a toilet in past years. When I went to chase her out, I found her batting around a newly dead mouse. Tried to shoo her away from the tree before she started eating it on Mom's precious carpet, but at that point she chose to clamp her jaws around her kill and give me her best death look, growling and snarling and hissing and refusing to either drop the mouse or move from her spot. I had to shove her out with a broken branch from the tree (yes, we like the live ones), which led to a prolonged chase in which Misty found every possible hiding spot to lodge herself in, reacting like a cornered tiger, refusing to come out into the open unless I shoved her out with a wood plank. Finally got her outside with her mouse... and discovered that at some point during the chase, the Snoopy lounge pants I was wearing - the coolest pants ev4r - had somehow ripped soundly down one leg. Fuming at the loss and suddenly remembering how sick I was, not to mention writhing through the onset of the worst cramps I've had in years, I spent the rest of the evening miserable, until Nyquil time.
Saturday, Dec. 13 - starting to feel slightly better, but that's not saying much. Didn't really do anything but sit around reading and coughing. Talked to Dumplin' on the phone and found out that she'd been offline for the past week or so because their 56k service had crapped out, and would likely not be in swing again until after Christmas. The most wonderful time of the year. *sigh*
Sunday, Dec. 14 - gradually feeling better... cold/flu is reduced to a really annoying cough and a whole lot of sneezing and nose-blowing, which led to a nose so raw I can actually feel the flesh cracking and falling apart. Woke up to about 3 inches of snow on the ground, which kicked butt. Went to church, during which, at one point, the pastor's wife started this big huddle of mostly elderly people all around me, most of whom I couldn't ID by name, going on about how much weight I've lost. ><; Spent the whole day after that feeling delightfully wintery - some may have seen my AIM away message about lounging around, listening to the snow fall, warm in a bulky beige turtleneck sweater, smelling like toasted hazelnut lotion, and sipping on hot chocolate while curled up with some good reading. That is what winter's all about, man. Heh, I started to draw that image in Photoshop, but my computer crapped out just when it was starting to look how I wanted it to and I lost it, so I gave up. Anyway... went to choir practice too, the last regular practice before the big rehearsal the day before the program. None of the songs in the cantata this year are ones I really like much... and it was the only part of Christmas I was looking forward to, too... *sigh* Stayed up till 4:30 having a nostalgia night, going through some of my old Xena: Warrior Princess fandom stuff... heh, I loved that show in high school... and it's not even on anymore *sigh*
Monday, Dec. 15 - got up after about 6 hours of sleep to find Nephy here again. The coughing and evil sinuses continue to be on the mend, so I entertained him most of the day, until his daddy came for him... then did some work on the fish tanks, then fumed at my piece of crap computer for a while after having to restart it about a dozen times before it stayed running long enough to type this blog. And... here we are.
Tomorrow I have to get up at, like, 8 in the morning to go get my hair cut. I need it bad though. It put on about 3 inches since I moved back to the dorm. Might go shopping in Columbus with my parents too, since I'll be up early anyway, but don't know yet... we need to do that this week sometime, but other stuff's going on pretty much every day. Church Christmas dinner Wednesday night, possibly accompanied by another day with Nephy... my mom's family's Christmas party on some other day... cantata rehearsal Saturday afternoon followed by the program on Sunday...
Oh, and being home for winter break has also spurred the return of being awakened every single morning by Ginger, who has always had this habit of jumping on my bed and curling up on/against me, usually gradually shoving me over further and further until I'm forced to get out of bed. Darn cat.
Well, this is long enough. If anyone read through this, hope you enjoyed the account of just how jam-packed my life can be. End sarcasm. By the way, this is about how the schedule looks when I'm NOT sick, too. ¬_¬
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 12/15/2003 09:45:00 PM
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wMonday, December 01, 2003 |
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feeling: tired... and fighting to stay awake makes me tireder...
listening to: nothing
Christmas is coming. So why am I not happy? Usually I'm in full throttle CHRISTMAS IS COMING WHOOP WHOOP YAYEEE mode starting around mid-November, but this year... nothing. It's like I lost something since last year, something without which Christmas just isn't Christmas. The only thing I can make myself look forward to this year is being in the Christmas cantata with the church choir. I dunno, I've always liked singing Christmas songs, and the cantata lets me do that in a group so no one can actually hear my voice individually... but this year I haven't been able to go to weekly practices, and I'll only get to go to one or two of them before the program. Which is fine because I still have most of the music memorized anyway, but that just means my favorite part of this Christmas will also be the part that goes by the fastest and it'll be back to "oh look, it's Christmas, how nice, wake me when it's over, or don't" as soon as the program's over. Maybe I'll go caroling this year to make up for missing so much practice... it's been ages since I did that...
Speaking of things going too fast... another week and a half and this quarter is over. Then a few more weeks and this year is over. I swear this has been the longest and the fastest year of my life. Like, I can be sitting here thinking, urg, the clock isn't moving, this moment/hour/day is never gonna end, someone take my life right now... then, next thing I know, it's 4 days later. I guess when nothing ever changes, it does feel like you're reliving the same moment in time over and over again. One very agonizingly long moment. Over and over.
Sorry, was I getting repetitive there? It's hard to tell sometimes. Same moment over and over, and all.
Anyway... yeah, as I said, I like Christmas songs. I've got a massive arsenal of them rattling around in the depths of my memory because I've listened to them as a genre obsessively for so many years. But among all those songs, so far this year only one has gotten itself stuck in my head and will not go away. Guess which one? Hint: Mariah Carey. Hint #2: first word in the title is "all". Still don't get it? Try googling those 3 keywords. Click the first result. Seriously. Cause I refuse to type the title. >_>
Hey, maybe that's why I have no Christmas spirit this year. That would also explain why when my relatives keep asking me what they should get me I can never give them an answer.
Stupid Mariah Carey.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 12/01/2003 03:42:00 PM
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