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wStuff You Don't Wanna Know But Are Reading Anyway |
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I dunno how you found this, but alas, here you are. So enjoy the frightening fruits of my troubled little brain.
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wTuesday, June 29, 2004 |
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feeling: tired and stiff and cranky and jealous and apathetic
listening to: Miyavi - Jingle Bell (Kari)
I'm a horrible person. There is nothing in me but jealousy right now. Jealousy over something that someone close to me has achieved, that I want to achieve but that I know I'm not even physically capable of and thus don't even deserve, which makes me selfish as well. There are two paths I could take - the one where I bust my butt to make it to the level she's attained and probably fail, or the one where I realize with my entire being that I can never do that and just get over it and be happy for her like everyone else... but I can't do either, no matter how hard I try. I mean, sure, there's no doubt in my mind that everyone in the little 'ring' envies her to an extent, but more than that they're happy for her. I can't even look at her website or journal entries or even forum posts anymore without starting to boil. I hate being jealous. Especially when it's centered on such a sweet and awesome person who deserves nothing less than what she's earned. If I were two people I'd be beating myself to death with the baseball bat I keep behind my bed in case some creep decides to break in while I'm home alone again.
But now the jealousy level is falling because I've been distracted from it by another lovely conversation with Willard. Allow me to paste.
willard324: are you having fun doing nothing???
ShivaKat9: if I were doing nothing I'd be a lot less tired right now
willard324: translating isnt exactly real work lol
ShivaKat9: it is if you take it seriously
ShivaKat9: and when they get posted on a band's website for the world to see I take it seriously
willard324: are they actually paying you???
ShivaKat9: no
willard324: then it isnt a job....it is a hobby lol
ShivaKat9: apparently the girl who's supposed to be doing it but more often than not but isn't, leaving me to do it at the last minute or beyond, realizes that already...and I'm pretty sure she's even hired
willard324: well you get what you pay for...and you dont pay me you get something half assed
ShivaKat9: if you found something you enjoyed enough to take seriously and were doing it for someone you respected you'd probably give more
willard324: not when i needed to get a job to support myself and possibly a family...but i know that isnt an issue for you
ShivaKat9: yes you do, and you never let me forget it
willard324: what ever do you mean???
ShivaKat9: let me know when it's an issue for you
willard324: ouch...that kind of hurt
ShivaKat9: whatever do you mean???
willard324: mine wasnt hurtful
ShivaKat9: you don't think so huh?
I won't even go any further. Mainly because I ended the conversation there. But yeah, it just thrills me how much he claims to care about me and then goes and stomps all over the things that are most important to me. And then goes so far as to tell me he's not hurting me. I'm getting tired of this.
Funny thing is, the parts belittling my translation work came just as I was about to say something like "if translating was all I'd been doing lately I'd be even less tired and probably happier," but instead he chose to beat the dead horse that once lived and raced under the call name Becky Has No Life. He still hasn't left it alone long enough for me to inform him that my brother is living with us again and that my nephew was staying with him (and therefore with us) for five days ending today, which means I've been chasing him down or being chased down by him pretty much every waking moment of the past 5 days because for some reason the little punk adores me. Even if I'd wanted to get out of the house for a while, I wouldn't have gotten away with it. Well, once I did, but I also got silently ripped into by mom's icy glares when I came home after the kid had already gone to bed. But yeah, it was hard enough finding time to come up here and work on translations when they were needed.
On the translations front... yes, Kiwamu's still having me help him. The ones posted on the site right now make the fourth set in a row, the fourth week in a row, that I've translated. That's every week since Fanime. The current ones were a weird story though. I never got an email from him last week asking me to do them, so I figured Lauren was finally back on the job... but then Friday, update day, went by with no new English corners. Then, two days later, Kiwamu emailed me asking for the previous week's translations (those Lauren had missed), which kinda floored me since they were late already and he hates lateness more than anything. But yeah... I had two of the corners ready for him, but I had to ask him if he still had the third one (Japanese) to send to me so I could finish that one. That was around 3:30 last night. At that time I knew his normal daily online time is between about 6 and 9 a.m. my time (7 and 10 p.m. his time), so I decided I'd get up early and try to catch him, so I could translate and return the completed corner before he went offline for the night. So I got up at 6:30. And when did his reply come? 8:45. ><; Oh well... so long story short, I got the translations sent, but I guess he decided to sleep first and upload them in the morning because just a few hours ago, 10 a.m. his time, my translations were posted on the site. And he's already said Lauren did this week's translations for once (dangit, they were fun... I wanted to do them :P), so I guess I don't have to worry about that.
And as this post descends further and further into the realm of pointlessness... I expanded my J-rock collection tonight. Finally. Not by much, though. I got 9 Miyavi songs and 4 new (to me) hide songs. Still waiting for Miyavi's Ashita Genki ni Naare and hide's Space Monkey Punks From Japan... if I don't get those songs, some heads will roll. I will download more - L'arc~en~Ciel, Glay, Kaggra, Moi Dix Mois, and more hide and Miyavi are high on the list - but first I need to find some hard drive space. Gah.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 6/29/2004 11:41:00 PM
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wThursday, June 24, 2004 |
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feeling: dead tired
listening to: BLOOD - Blind
Well, a few hours ago I told myself I needed to sit down either here or at my LJ and type a nice long rant. But LJ seems to be eating itself at the moment, so for that and other reasons, here I am. But unfortunately, I'm so freaking tired it's not funny, and so most of what I wanted to rant has oozed from my brain into a happy little puddle on the floor. So if I seem more... straightforward... than usual in this one, it's only because I want to go to sleep. Soon. Like now.
So... Willard actually spoke to me tonight. Brought up lovely memories of my past again. No matter how many times I get over it, he seems to have a way of doing that. Don't get me wrong, I'm still over it... but being reminded of it tends to kind of kill my mood sometimes. Anyway, he goes into how I destroyed my own happiness years ago, as if I haven't been fully aware of this for well over a year now at least. He brings it up, I explain that I know it was my fault so leave it alone, he brings it up again, I again explain that I know it was my fault, and... he brings it up again. He tells me something and makes me swear not to tell anyone that it involves, and when I say I don't know the people anyway, he says he only said it so I could pretend I have a life. This was only about the fifth or sixth time in the conversation that he brought up the fact that I have no life.
This is what every conversation I have with Willard consists of. Him reminding me that every moment of misery I've felt in the past 6 years has been my own fault, him reminding me that I have no life, and occasionally a bit of ranting on how lonely he is. All in a perpetual cycle of conversation that can last anywhere from a few minutes to several hours. Maybe this is why we don't talk very often.
But then again, if he stopped talking about all of this, I guess we'd never have anything to talk about, and then we'd talk to each other even less than we do now.
Anyway, tonight I tried to break the mold and tend a little to the... not optomistic, but... future-oriented? side of me for once. You know - times and people change, the past can't erased, time doesn't go backwards, starting over is possible but picking up where one left off years ago is not, that kind of thing. Mainly in response to him informing me that someone who used to be the best friend I could ever ask for but who sort of became removed from my life has recently said that I've been "nice" again.
Um. I don't know when I was ever not nice. I remember sitting there off by myself not really going out of my way to talk to people and only responding when they talked to me first... but that hasn't really changed, so how have I gotten "nice again"? How was I not nice? Times like this I wish that person still spoke to me so I knew what the heck was being said about me.
Anyway... this conversation went nowhere, so he went back to reminding me that I have no life, and that apparently the fact that I still live at home means that I have not changed in the least in the past several years. Or that I haven't gained or lost anything, at least. So finally I got a little frustrated and told him that in the past year I've been through 2 or 3 heartbreaks, seeing 2 of the dearest friends I've ever had threatening or attempting suicide, the most stressful college year of my life, a voluntary position translating for a Japanese rock band, a week in California building up lifelong memories and making lifetime friends (some of whom didn't even make it to Fanime), a brother and his toddler son going through a divorce (actually I didn't say this but it's true too), and a truckload of other things that I either can't remember or would just rather not talk about. In the past year I've seen the best times of my 22 years of life along with the worst times of my 22 years of life. In the past year I've both made and lost more friends than I think I have in the rest of my life combined. I tell Willard this (in slightly less eloquent terms), and his response is: one shouldn't whine about something they volunteered for.
After I had already told him MULTIPLE TIMES that I am FULLY AWARE that the losses I've suffered have been my own fault. I was not whining or complaining, I was stating facts. He seemed to want to know, so I told him. Does it, or will it ever, mean anything to him? No. If not for the subject of me having no life and me being 100% at fault for it, he'd never have anything to talk to me about.
I give up. Again. Think what you want about me and my life or lack thereof. I haven't bothered to defend myself in several months anyway, but I can promise that I won't bother to admit my own faults or tell things the way they are, whether I like them or not, ever again. Not to Willard. He doesn't want to know. He'd have no one to pick on if he had any reason to believe I have, or have ever had, ANY inkling of a *gasp* life.
I have no reason to believe he'll ever read this, of course, so it's not like anything will change by my posting this. Which means this is pointless, like everything else that ever happens in my life as far as he's concerned. So as long as I'm being pointless, enjoy the following.
Your Dir en grey! ^-^
Which of MY favorite J-Rock bands are U?
brought to you by Quizilla
Shinya is your slave...he's so quiet, so shy, yet
so cute and warm-hearted. Do you really want
to keep him as your slave or just hug him??
J-Rock Claim Quiz -Who would be YOUR slave???
brought to you by Quizilla
And now my eyes are about to fall out, so I'm going to bed. Sorry if none of the above makes any sense. I'm extremely sleep deprived and wiped and I didn't even get to touch half the topics I planned to rant about tonight. I only covered one, didn't I? I had 3 or 4 in mind. Oh well. I need sleep.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 6/24/2004 01:19:00 AM
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wMonday, June 21, 2004 |
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feeling: urg
listening to: Dir en Grey - Mask
Well, I guess the under-wraps story that I hint-ranted about a couple posts ago is a reality now. My parents have told my grandma, so that must mean they're prepared for the world and its brother to know.
My brother and his wife are separating. Apparently she's "not happy" partially because her family never gets to spend any time together, as both of them have insane work schedules... though if you ask me, separation is sort of a counterintuitive response to this problem, but... yeah, I'm no marriage counselor. Heather's being selfish and hasty... what else is new, I guess. I always liked her, but it was always like my brother was just sort of an extra appendage growing out of her extended family's side - handy sometimes, but more often than not just kind of... there. He never knows where she is, and half the time she has their son with her, which means he often doesn't know where his own son is and days on end go by where he doesn't get to see him at all. She's "not happy" and claims it's herself she's not happy with, and she thinks separation is the only solution. Which sort of destroys a large amount of the respect I had for her, you know? She's willing to take my brother's son away from him and kick my brother out of his home, and to put her 2 year old son through a divorce and years of grief bouncing back and forth between mom's house and dad's house - just because she's not happy with herself? I don't get it.
What everyone's really worried about is that 2 year old son. My nephew, for the slow out there. I always thought he was the luckiest baby in the world, surrounded by love on all sides and with a family that gave them their full devotion and etc etc. Now he's going to be forced to watch his beloved mama and dada go their separate ways, and he's going to be torn between them for the rest of his life. Not to mention those of us on daddy's side of the family are never going to get to see him anymore, because I'd bet every dollar I just got as graduation giftage that Heather's going to end up with the better end of the custody struggle. Partially because she always gets her way, and partially because her entire extended family, which is huge, lives within about 2 miles of her and will no doubt take her side. My brother's the odd one out, coming from a much smaller and more scattered family stationed an hour away. The instant he moves out, he's out of that picture for good.
I've got news for Heather, though. She is not going to take my nephew away from me. Or me away from him, for that matter. Pretty much everyone is aware by now that I'm his favorite person on daddy's side of the family; I still don't understand it, but he's crazy about me. The last time he had to go several weeks without seeing me, he constantly asked about me and talked about the time he visited me on campus and saw the "biiiig airplane, waaaay up in the sky!". More than once I got calls in the dorm from my parents while they were babysitting, saying he wanted to talk to me. At one point his mommy asked him if he wanted to spend the day at Grandma's house (meaning my mother), and his answer was "Uh huh! And see Becky!". At our little Father's Day shendig yesterday, I was the only one besides his daddy that he would allow to play with him and tote him around - a few times he even chose me over his dada.
Bottom line is, this whole situation is ticking me off. Mostly Heather. She's the one who decided to force this upon her family and her baby and everyone around him. All because she's supposedly not happy with herself.
I probably could've gotten this rant out of my system anytime over the past several days, but I guess I've been trying not to break my streak of nice easy stress-free days. Since finishing college I've had all this free time and have felt better than I have in close to a year... I've been waiting for ages for a day when I'd have time to indulge in the BLOOD fandom, and finally I've had that chance. I spent one day scanning/editing/uploading my Fanime pictures (more albums can be found by jumping back to my original album, Bekkichan, and following the links) and a couple more on my BLOOD-only Fanime review, plus I've done about 3 weekly translations of the members' corners, worked on song lyric translations, worked with other fans on BLOOD stuff that's too involved to describe here, and started a new and more accurate Fu-ki fanart. And for a couple weeks there Kiwamu and I were volleying emails back and forth like never before; he even threw in random small talk here and there, which gave me the impression that I've achieved the difficult task of getting on his good side. Been several days since my last email from him though, so I'm not sure now... *worry*... but anyway, life has been good. Bloody good. Pun intended. >_> So I guess that's why I didn't want to think about my brother's situation any more than necessary.
And now that that's out of my system, I won't have to worry about it any more for a while and I can go back to uninterrupted BLOOD projects. But right now it's time for lunch. Oog.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 6/21/2004 11:35:00 AM
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wSunday, June 13, 2004 |
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feeling: wiped
listening to: Moriyama Naotarou - Sakura
If I ever decide to graduate again, remind me to sleep for more than 4 hours the night before. I can't believe how tired I am...
I was really glad my brother made it to my graduation though. He had to do a lot of shift shuffling with work to get the day off, and I don't think I've ever known him to change his work schedule for a family-related reason... so that was awesome. Dumplin' came too, and my grandparents on my mom's side, though none of us managed to find them during the ceremony... but we stopped by their house on the way there so they could get some pictures with me and give me my card and stuff. I kinda felt bad since they got pictures taken with me, and Dumplin' did, but my parents and brother didn't. :\ But I promised mom I'd put on my cap and gown and stuff again later this week or something for pictures with them, when I don't have windblown and mortarboard-mashed hair. >.>;
Ceremony itself... wasn't quite the madness I expected. It was the before and after that was madness. First, insane construction and traffic nearly made us late even though we allowed almost an extra hour to get there, and the parents ended up letting me out on the street so I could go join the lineup while they parked. Amazingly the lining up and ceremony were quite organized, given the insane mess that was rehearsal a couple days ago. Kinda hard to feel special when you're one of about 5600 graduates, but marching into the stadium and then getting my diploma and marching out still felt pretty cool.
Bad parts were many, however... worst being the extreme heat. I guess I should be thankful it was a sunny day, but I had to sit in the sun and 90+ degree midday heat for at least 3 hours, in a black gown and with no shade and no access to any kind of liquid nourishment. Also, the speeches kinda sucked. For some reason all the speakers decided to use reality TV as a theme for their speeches, which was extremely corny and didn't seem appropriate at all. And then they announced that they would be awarding degrees to those graduating from graduate school first, and that they would be calling them by name, major, AND advisor's name as they did so. This took FOREVER. Finally, I couldn't find any of my family in the crowd, and they couldn't find me among the other graduates either.
As I said, the ceremony itself was remarkably organized, given how much had to be done and how many graduates there were. It was the before and after that went haywire. I've been through the before... so after I got my diploma and left the stadium, I returned to the French field house (building across the street where the graduates had lined up and marched from before the ceremony, and where they were supposed to return to after the ceremony). And for some reason, even though I told my parents that was where I'd be afterward so we could meet up, they spent about an hour running in circles around the stadium looking for me. Finally they split up and sent dad across the street to the French field house where I had been sitting for who knew how long. Then we had to walk halfway across the stinking city (ok, halfway across campus, but OSU's campus is the size of a small city) to get to where they'd parked. Thank God I had tennis shoes to change into.
Anyway... we finally got out of there and went to a Chinese buffet for dinner, where I downed 3 glasses of Coke in about 3 minutes. Ooouuurgh. Remind me never to do that again, no matter now dehydrated I am. I didn't even want pop, but they were out of lemonade... *whine*
Anyway part 2... one of the coolest parts of the day was seeing the very last girl to march into the stadium, at the very end of a line (or series of lines) of ~5600 graduates, with the words "THE END" in big letters on the back of her gown. Good times, lol.
OH! And the other cool part: my Dumplin' gave me roses! *bounce* hehe they made me feel like Kaede XD;
Anyway... so I have my bachelor's now. Magna cum laude with honors. Bite that, Hitzhusen and your stinkin' 13-20 page papers! >.>; Now the question is what the fook to do with it... arg. I don't wanna grow up. -_-
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 6/13/2004 11:59:00 PM
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wSaturday, June 12, 2004 |
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feeling: confused
listening to: Camino - I Wish...
Did I mention I've been in the most ridiculously giddy mood since I turned in all my final papers and got rid of all the school stress for good? I actually woke up singing a couple mornings ago.
Yeah, I moved out of the dorm today. For good. No more college. The only remaining untied end is graduation, which is Sunday. Assuming it doesn't start storming, which according to stupid Ohio's forecast is a likelihood. -_- My parents will be there, my Dumplin' will be there, my grandparents on Mom's side will be there, and Dad said my brother had to rearrange his work schedule such that he'll be working 16 hours straight one day just so he could get Sunday off to watch me graduate. o_o I found that awesome... I don't think I've ever known him to rearrange his work schedule for any other family related function; he just misses a lot of stuff instead :\. My brother's cool... we'd probably do stuff together now and then if he didn't live so far away.
And that brings me to the suck. I was all in this awesome giddy mood after having lost all that school stress, and then I get home and get all my stuff unpacked and a lot of it even put away where it's supposed to be *gasp!*... and then my brother calls. At midnight. He being the only one in the house. And I won't go into any further detail on a public blog, because nothing's really happened yet except some talk, but let's just say I'm not in a giddy mood anymore. Don't ask why, ok? I'm dying to rant it all out here, believe me, but I can't. I shouldn't even post what I have here so far, but I needed to get something out.
I'm gonna go take some more Dir en Grey quizzes or something to take my mind off things...
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 6/12/2004 12:14:00 AM
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wWednesday, June 09, 2004 |
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feeling: really frickin hot... and my head hurts
listening to: nothing
It's amazing how good a mood I've been in since I finished my last paper last night. Just knowing the stress is gone has done wonders. Now if only it weren't pushing 100 freaking degrees. >_<
And now, because I have lots of time on my hands these days, here's a bunch of Dir en Grey quizzes I HAVEN'T taken before. XD
Your match made in heaven is Toshiya!
He may be woman like but Toshiya is far from it.
He's really out going and sexual. He'll love
you deeply.
Which Dir en Grey Member is right for you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're stuck on a desolate mountaintop with -
Die!!! You're still up on that mountain... but
at least you've got some entertainment... And
plenty of Eskimo Pies ^_^
Which Member of Dir en Grey Would You Be Stuck on a Desolate Mountaintop With?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're Shinya! You just want a hug. You would
prefer it be from Kaoru, but that's just not
happening. I'm sorry.
What Jrocktheatre jrocker are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're Toshiya. Sweet, cute, and the only member of
Dir en grey not from La:Sadies, you were
kidnapped from your old band and dragged into
their midst. We fans certainly don't mind!
You're a great bassist, and used to be a model,
so be proud!
Dir en grey - Who is your personality?
brought to you by Quizilla
awh, you are just like toshiya! you are sweet,
beautiful, funny.. and.. come here, baby! ^o~
~*Which adorable Dir en grey member are you?*~
brought to you by Quizilla
 I am Kyo!
don't worry... stay calm, the paramedics will be here soon. you, our pouty ball of fur, are Kyo; eclectic vocalist of Dir en Grey everyone wants to hug you because you're so kawaii but... you bite o_O; which presents a problem... none the less we adore you for your on stage antics and none the less frantic, mesmerising lyrics.want to know who you are? Then take the quiz at esoteric symphony
Congratulations! Your ideal Alpha Male is... 
For all intensive purposes, your Alpha Male seems like the "normal" boyfriend. He gets along with family and friends, is considerate and thoughtful in his actions, and his biggest priority, like every good Alpha Male, is *you*. The thought of you coming to any discomfort often prevents him from engaging in more typical Alpha Male behavior and thushe is generally exempt from mood swings and bursts of silence. However, caring does not equal sharing to this Alpha Male and when he feels anyone is trying to come between you, his less than genial side begins to show. In the end, though, so long as he doesn't feel threatened by any third party, the two of you are destined for happiness.
Which Alpha Male is right for you?
Brought to you by Alexandra and Matrim
 you are RiceworldIn an industrial Japan, 5 young men employed as workers in a local rice factory become Tokyo's illustrious resuraunt scene's only hope... there's no rice, and it's up to THEM to get the rice on time. In a series of adventures and mishaps, the boys travel in a giant tour bus painted with the Japanese flag and even have time to sing a few songs along the way...
Will they manage to stick together? Will they manage to make it to the big city on time? Will the rice be edible?!Single handedly the best movie about rice since Kevin Costner starred in Field of RiceWhich Dir en grey Blockbuster are you?find out at esoteric symphony
You are Mitsu to Tsuba!
Everyone's so perfect looking...mmm....
What Dir en grey PV Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Sensual, classic, artistic. You are Gackt.
Which J-rocker are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Kyo's doesn't seem mad at you...you seem to be
keeping yourself under control quite well...
A Dir en Grey Story ( For Girls..or unless you just want to see which member you would be with...lol)
brought to you by Quizilla
Die, absolutly LOVES YOU! He's glad that your so
carefree and funny! You're like his twin! Now
he knows who to go to when he wants a partner
in prank doing. LOL. I feel sorry for the rest
of the guys...
A Dir en Grey Story Part 2!
brought to you by Quizilla
Ok, that's all. Ouuu, it's gonna take me a loooong time to get over that Caring Alpha Male picture of Die... *faint*
(edit: heh, there were so many broken HTML tags to fix when I tried to post this, it wasn't funny :P)
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 6/09/2004 11:50:00 PM
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wSunday, June 06, 2004 |
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feeling: way too tired
listening to: nothing
Good times.
So last night I was once again the victim of an ulcer attack. Started early in the evening with just this weird kind of... pressure... that I couldn't really identify, but it was barely noticeable so I wrote it off. Then it got worse veeeerrry gradually throughout the evening, until around midnight when I had to go lie down, and a couple hours later when it just kept getting worse, I called dad and whined to him over the phone for a while. Mainly because I had no idea what to do - if I went back to the hospital they'd do all those stupid tests and crap again even though I KNEW the problem, and I wouldn't be able to get any medicine because the pharmacy was closed after hours. I had no antacids or anything to take for it and I was NOT about to wander around the city alone after midnight buying any. So I sat and talked to dad while forcing down some pretzels and Sprite, then around 2:30 a.m. I was feeling slightly better so I decided to try to sleep, but as soon as I laid down it hit full force. It never got as intense as it did last November - at that time I was literally doubled over in pain and could barely breathe or speak. Not nearly that intense this time, but I still knew exactly what it was, and when lying down only made it worse I called dad again, and he came to bring me home. While I was waiting for him to get to the dorm I think I passed out in the computer chair for a few minutes (from tiredness, not pain), and when I woke up there was just kind of a dull nausea left, so I guess it helped. So, got home, slept for 2 hours, and here we are.
I knew the ulcer was back. But why NOW? I'm never going to get my papers done now, unless I just forego sleep for the next 3 days, which would make the ulcer worse and it'd be one of those vicious... things. I guess Fanime just came at the worst possible time and was worse for me physically than I realized.
I feel better now though. Funny how it just suddenly stops whenever it feels like it. The first time it only lasted about 30-45 minutes though... this time it went on aaaaaalll night.
Oh, I got several good Fanime pictures. Several didn't turn out, but they were mostly ones I didn't expect to come out anyway. Concert lighting and such. But still, lots of good ones. Kaede and his roses came out, and me with BLOOD and Kiwamu's chin on my head came out. There's also an ADORABLE one of Fu-ki and Kaede that I don't remember taking but I'm so glad I did. It's one of my favorites.
Yeah, anyway. I need to eat lunch, sleep, and write more papers. Don't know when I'll get back to the dorm, so... whatever. Later, I guess.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 6/06/2004 01:02:00 PM
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wFriday, June 04, 2004 |
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feeling: *sigh*
listening to: rap blasting out of Hale Hall
Well, I just came from the best few days of my life. I didn't want to come back home after Fanime. And sure enough, ever since my return 6:00 Wednesday morning I've been tired and moody and in one of those almost-depression funks where anything can set me off. And being sleep deprived is only part of that, because I'm USED to never getting any sleep.
Actually what's killing me the most is being worried about BLOOD. They've had so many problems lately... the big transition with member changes, overworking themselves, and a lot of behind-the-scenes (managerial?) problems that I won't go into. All of their recent overseas lives have gone wrong for them one way or another (or in most cases more than one). Fanime really woke me up to it all, mostly because I hung out with Suz all weekend and she has very close connections to BLOOD and knows far more details than I ever will, and she shared some with me. Something behind the scenes is hurting them, making every one of their overseas appearances a disaster and destroying their reputation in the process.
It's funny... throughout Fanime all I could think about was what a blast I had. But since I came home, when I think about it, instead of remembering the fun I end up so worried about BLOOD's future I just about start crying. I don't know why exactly, because I barely know them, but I love Kiwamu, Kaede, and Fu-ki just like I would a bunch of brothers. It shouldn't concern me, but it does. I hate seeing them go through all these problems and abuse.
And to make matters worse, Mom just told me that half of 2 of my rolls of film and a slightly smaller percentage of the other 3 rolls did not turn out. Son of a fark!!! *throws things out the window* If the picture of me with BLOOD where Kiwamu rested his chin on my head didn't come out, something will BURN. And if my one of Kaede holding his roses didn't come out, MANY things will burn. That was the best freaking photo in the history of the planet.
*sigh* Where's Kaede when I need a hug? He gives the best hugs. I know this through personal experience.
Anyway... I just came from the DEALL Language Festival, which will make this my third annual Lang Fest Blog. Each year gets less cool. Today was quite boring, mostly because Kashiwagi-sensei wasn't there. -_- I guess it was amusing to watch the first and second year Japanese students struggle through the interpretation shootout. I sat there thinking 'you idiot! you should know what that means!' and then finally remembered that I was in their exact same position once. Twice actually. And now I'm the upperclassman watching all of them struggle with the simplest possible Japanese utterances. It was pretty surreal.
Then at the end I ate pizza with Murazumi-sensei, my tutorial instructor this quarter, and Terada-sensei, my uber cute TA from last quarter... talked a little and stuff. Then I went to talk to Kuwai-sensei about the exit exam I have to take next week, and HOLY CRAP, that woman is genki. Especially considering she must be at least in her 40s. I've never seen anyone so bouncy and hyper and waaaaaaiii. Like, I asked her about the exam, and she thought about it for a second, then said to email her about it... then she suddenly squeaks in Japanese "Your hair's changed, hasn't it?!" and went on about that for a while. >.O I couldn't believe she even remembered who I was, let alone remembered my face well enough to notice that the part in my hair moved from the middle to the side. I've only met her, like, twice in the past. Anyway, then after my hair she went on to squee over how "pretty" my shirt was. It's a cropped white tee with a big grey Adidas logo in the middle against a red and grey background. *shrug* My lord, that woman is chipper.
I guess I should post some kind of review of Fanime since I was so hyped about it for so long and had the most awesome few days of my life there... but lately it seems thinking about it makes me depressed. So forget it. If you're really interested in the down 'n dirty, find my Livejournal. Because if you're reading this and you know me, you either know where it is or have the necessary info to look it up. But yeah, if you're interested, I have day-by-day reviews posted there. But I wrote each one at the end of its respective day while all the memories and emotions were still fresh in my mind, so it's all EXTREMELY fangirlish and hyper. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Oh, I also went to Bento Go Go today. Little Japanese restaurant type place up the road from me. Ate with Murazumi-sensei and Stauffenger-san, the other student who took the 4th-year tutorial session... kind of in celebration of the last day of class and the end of the quarter/year. Terada-sensei ended up joining us too since she was walking by there on her way back from Chipotle, so that was cool. Good time. But good lord, talk about a LOT of food. They gave me my shrimp tempura udon in a freaking crock pot, I swear. I only ate about half of it. Really good food, though. I'd go there again.
Counting today, I have... 6 days to write a minimum of 27 pages worth of papers. And I haven't started any of them. Life is great. Did I mention I'm depressed this week?
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 6/04/2004 06:51:00 PM
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