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wStuff You Don't Wanna Know But Are Reading Anyway |
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I dunno how you found this, but alas, here you are. So enjoy the frightening fruits of my troubled little brain.
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wFriday, December 31, 2004 |
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feeling: optomistic
listening to: Animal Planet
Wow, my blog has passed its third year anniversary. Time flies. And I don't usually do this because everyone else does and they get very tedious to read after a while, but... so much has happened this year, and to me it's worth recounting. On January 1, 2004, I was alone but for two friends, and any happiness I'd ever known before was long gone, leaving a body of emptiness with a shell covered in bruises and scars. And now, as of December 31, 2004, the scars and bruises are no more than fading memories, and the emptiness is replaced by happiness and peace more fulfilling than anything I'd ever experienced before.
2003 did not end well for me, so 2004 didn't start out very promising. In fact, I rang in the new year with one of the three true friends left in my life angry at me because I refused to put myself in a situation where I didn't fit in and would be useless and alone all night while everyone else had a great time.
Then on January 24, at Ohayocon 4, the directionless, empty mess that was my life stopped in its tracks and turned to face in a new direction. That was the day I found an indies J-rock band from Osaka, one whose musical aim was to express extremes of emotion, including anger, passion, and pain. And with lyrics like "My stumbling footsteps/Are buried in black darkness/I will not escape from this place", "I had embraced the pain rusting the wound carved into my heart/I'm falling off the edge of despair into my resting place", and of course "You play with me as if I were crippled/am I your toy?/...but that's all right... but that's all right, I cry out", that band called BLOOD found a new, eternally devoted fan.
I spent the next few months listening to BLOOD and discovering several other amazing J-rock artists at any spare moments I could get during the hectic era that was my senior year at Ohio State. I studied and worked and researched and stressed and planned and repeated it all hundreds of times, all the while fighting off an ulcer and posting messages to BLOOD and their fans on the band's BBS in some of my spare moments. Then, on April 26, my life, already facing poised in its new direction, took its first hesitant steps forward. I awoke that morning to an email from Kiwamu of BLOOD, asking me if I would help him by translating the weekly section of the band's site when his regular translator was unable. I was thrilled to grant the favor, and was given the chance to do it a few more times over the following couple of months. I was on a regular emailing basis with the leader of my favorite band, and I was actually helping him spread the band's international influence.
Now we're up to May. And in the interval between January and May, my life experienced a few more trying turns as two of the dearest people my heart had ever known attempted to take their own lives. For some time I was struck by the helplessness and despair of being apart from them and unable to help them through their trials. Fortunately, one of those people came through the ordeal safely and willing to let me aid in her broken soul's recovery. For the other I had to accept that there was nothing I could do, no helpful role I could play.
When the last weekend in May came around, I still carried plenty of concern for that friend, but having accepted my own helplessness and being fairly wrapped up in my new occasional role as a J-rock translator, I met two other BLOOD fans in an airport in Dayton, and I was off to California for the first time to attend Fanime and see BLOOD and two other very worthy J-rock bands in concert. The best few days of my life came and went, in which I met and became good friends with a handful of other BLOOD fans, and grew even more devoted to and familiar with those boys from Osaka that had already done so much to change my life. After Fanime, nothing would be the same again. I had made new, true friends, a feat I hadn't been able to accomplish in several years, and my role in the world of BLOOD grew and grew as I submitted more and more translations and increased my collections of merchandise, exchanged emails with Kiwamu, and memories to last a lifetime.
After Fanime my focus returned to college, and despite the protests of a briefly dormant ulcer, I survived my final, most difficult quarter at OSU and graduated magna cum laude with a bachelor's in Japanese on June 13. I went home, not ready to find a job yet as I didn't really have much idea of what I wanted to do... but not much relaxing was done for a while, as my duties to BLOOD increased and I joined forces with yet another fan and new friend in an effort to save the band's professional reputation after some difficulties at recent overseas appearances. It's hard to say how successful we were... but by the time the ordeal was over, I and the friend I worked with had formed an unbreakable bond, one that hasn't stopped growing since the day we first talked. Also, Kiwamu's trust in me seemed to strengthen throughout those weeks, and I found myself sending him more and more translations.
Early June also brought my brother and his then 2 year old son to stay with my parents and me while they awaited my brother's second divorce. Well, the nephew was only here a few days a week, sometimes 4 or 5 days at a time... not all the time... but my nephew's unexplained adoration of me did not fade this year, so those were busy times until my brother was finally able to move out again. Early July brought more fun as I met Calla, the friend I'd spent the past month working on BLOOD matters with, in person for the first time... and more trials as that stupid ulcer came roaring back. But as the matters of BLOOD business and my brother's divorce settled down, I finally found time to enjoy memories of Fanime and indulge myself in the fun side of the fandom - while still doing more and more regular translations. In fact, in mid-July, Kiwamu asked me to start sending him the weekly site translations every week just in case, as his regular translator was growing less and less... regular. And shortly thereafter, the original translator was all but gone, and the job, so to speak, was mine. I was translating not only the weekly members' corners, but also newsletters, press releases, text for other sections of the site, story-type texts that were printed on flyers and other releases to accompany the band's new concept, even lyrics to print in as-of-then-unmade CDs, and other random things - all at Kiwamu's request. I was an official BLOOD Agent, or in other words, a member of my favorite band's international staff. Kiwamu even dubbed me his "English teacher." For the first time in possibly my whole life, I had a direction, and a purpose. Or at least something that made me useful... that I could both enjoy and use to keep my college degree from going to waste... and to be of help to this band that had spent the past 7 months changing my life.
September and October brought more new positive experiences, not the least of which being pride, as I helped my dear friend and cousin create and lead her high school's anime club. I watched her find new friends and a leadership role in a school activity she could actually enjoy and relate to... enjoyment she truly deserves during her final year in high school. We also found some new random around-town activities to amuse ourselves with on occasion... >.> <.<
Somewhere around that time, I also realized that the pain I had carried for so long up to the beginning of 2004 had disappeared. All of it. It had primarily stemmed from two separate but equally cruel chapters in my past, both of which saw me find happiness and companionship like nothing I'd ever known before, only to lose it and have it replaced by heartbreak like nothing I'd ever known before. But by late 2004, I realized that those chapters were behind me for good. There was no reason to hold on to the memories any longer, even the good ones, because everything that they had taken from me was given back and then some. In their place was not only a new friend and... ahem, accomplice :P... but a soulmate. A bond for life that has healed so many wounds in my soul and given me reason to believe I matter. Not to mention a circle of other new friends and people who depend on me, amounting to a total number that's probably higher than it ever was at any one given time in my life before.
On January 1, I was alone in my own darkness, scarred, empty, and of no real use to anyone. By now, December 31, I am loved, needed, trusted, surrounded by people I can trust, and fulfilling purposes and achieving dreams that I never even knew I had. Also, I now own a digital camera and a mobile phone, two things almost everyone else in this world seemed to have that I never thought I would. :P
So to those who stood by me no matter what, even through my less than stellar entrance into 2004, the Dumplin' and the Adion - and to those who came to my side and gave me friendship, support, and purpose throughout the past year, including but probably not limited to Kiwamu, Kaede, Takeshi, Taichi, Fu-ki, Suzanne, Kristin, the other Kristin (might not have gone to Fanime if not for her), Connie, she who is dubbed Kisaki, and of course Calla - my most sincere gratitude to all of you for making this year the most memorable and fulfilling one I've ever known. I can only hope the differences I make in your lives can come close to matching the ones you've made in mine. Not that any more than three of you will ever read this, but hey... :P;;
That's another thing I can blame all of you for. Just LOOK at this 1800-word pile of corn mush. XD
So, the very best to all of you in the coming year. You guys looking forward to it as much as I am?
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 12/31/2004 02:20:00 AM
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wWednesday, December 22, 2004 |
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feeling: hungry... mmm, coconut thingy from grandma...
listening to: Unwrapped on Food Network o.o
Ah, the seasonal rush. Well, mostly seasonal. Finest two weeks of the year, every year. >.> Pre-blog warning: the following is an account of my activities over the past week or so, and will probably end up long and quite boring. But I sorta have a tradition of running to this blog with updates on those rare days when I actually get out and do stuff... and since this is the first day I've had ample time to recount said activities, AND was in the mood to do it, they've sort of backed up. Hence the length.
Fun began last Thursday with the church dinner, which my brother showed up for with his son. Most of the evening consisted of me carrying him around (nephew, not my brother >>), along with letting him sit in my lap for the meal and generally being a good little windup doll. Much to the amusement of most everyone else in attendance, who see my nephew's adoration toward me as just the cutest thing... and much to the agony of my upper arms, which ached for days afterward. That kid is a workout and a half, I'll give him that. *rubs biceps*
Friday I tasted short-lived freedom, with a clear schedule, and Saturday was rehearsal day for the church program, meaning brass ensemble and choir thingy for me. Went ok, I guess. I had planned to go with my mom to my cousin's post-baby shower after that, but my practice ran late so she left without me. But I later found out that the new baby hadn't even been there anyway, and she WAS at my mom's family's Christmas party thing, which was that evening... so oh well. Took the nephew to the party again, and as usual he wouldn't let me put him down for the first fifteen or twenty minutes. Then I had to play trucks with him until his daddy arrived. Otherwise, decent evening, though kinda boring later when my parents upheld the yearly ritual of making our family the last to go home.
Sunday was... ok, actually. Brass ensemble had its first performance during the morning service and it went better than I expected. I don't know why exactly I always perform twice as well during the actual event as I do in every practice before it. *shrug* But heh, I was right in being thankful to have Jess there playing first trumpet along with me. There's one song that starts on a high F, which I had no trouble with in high school, but... after years of inactivity my jaws lost the ability to achieve that note when it's the very first one in a song. So I told her before we started the song, "you better hit this first F." And gumitall, she did. And gumitallsomemore, I didn't. :P Even better, there are several other high Fs in the song after that, and I got them all, but she missed them all. Exact same thing happened at the full program in the evening. It was great.
Anyway, about halfway through the morning service I stepped into a back room as I usually do (hey, there were Oreos and soft batch Chips Ahoy in the kitchen... I'm only human T_T) and on the way back out, ran into Jess. So somehow we ended up spending the rest of the morning hanging around talking, about our present lives and our favorite memories of a sweeter time and updates on some of the stuff that had happened in between, etc. I miss her, dangit. We had great times and we still have some good talks every now and then. Anyway, other activities of the morning involved praying that the suddenly driving snowfall would continue throughout the day so the evening program would have to be cancelled. Alas, no such luck - snow stopped falling before we even left church that morning. >_>
I feel I should add that I got my hair cut exactly one week ago, and I SWEAR it feels like it's grown half an inch already. x_x End tangent...
Anyway, then I went home for my afternoon nap, and then program time came around. Once again, brass ensemble went surprisingly well... very amused by Jess' and my highly efficient co-handling of those stupid Fs, again. :P Kids' program was pretty amusing to watch, especially since their director is in the habit of recycling old programs from years ago, back when I was still being forced to play parts in them. We all find it very amusing every year to point to a little kid on the stage playing a part that we played ourselves years ago. I was the co-host, Justin was the host, Nate was that one wise man, Willard was Herald, Jess was still young enough to be in the chorus with the other rugrats in angel robes and garland halos, etc etc. I couldn't remember what role I'd had in this year's though, so I assume it was one from, like, a year or two after my last year as a kiddie actress. Geez, I'm getting old. =.=
Then Monday I returned to the church to go caroling, something I used to do every year but hadn't done in probably 10 years now, for various reasons. Weather cancellations, conflicting plans, refusal to put up with certain demon spawn cousins who felt the need to go, unwillingness to see certain faces there having fun together as always while I wandered around alone and unnoticed, etc. I wanted to go last year, but didn't in the end because my emotions were still kinda rubbed raw from certain situations then... plus that cousin felt the need to go. Ugh. But I took a chance this year because I regretted missing it last year, plus I wanted to see Jess again. >.> Thankfully, demon spawn cousin was not there. But neither was Jess. 9_9 So we made her house one of the stops on our caroling route, and Willard and I attempted to drag her into our little party, but she refused, claiming it was too cold. Bah! This coming from the girl who joined me in complaining when caroling was cancelled due to weather in past years... >.> ahem... anyway, was still a pretty fun evening. Got free hot chocolate out of it. *heart*
Then yesterday we took a break from the holiday rush... but the rest of the world didn't. x_x Of course my parents' anniversary just HAD to be on one of the busiest shopping days of the year, which meant taking mom out to dinner and doing some random no-special-occasion shopping (mostly window shopping heh) became an all-day affair just because of insane traffic and mobbing crowds. So we went to Lancaster and poked around in various places, where the only actual purchases made were a tiara and fabric to make a shirt, both for my Ohayocon Kaede costume. Other points of interest were dad stopping at every cellular phone kiosk in the mall comparing competing family plans, and spending probably two hours in an antique mall that had loooootts of Snoopy/Peanuts stuff. *is Snoopy's fangirl* But again, didn't buy anything. Finally we went to Olive Garden, which doesn't exist in our hometown, so I had never eaten there before. Good stuff. Finally, on the way home, we stopped at Kmart to browse color cards and pick out potential colors to paint a few rooms in the house, including mine.
Finally, today we visited my great great aunt, which every year leaves me wondering just how many more Christmases she'll be with us. Since it's pretty much the only time of the year we see her, and such. For most of my life she and Uncle Ray were the two most elderly and essentially homebound members of our family, both of whom we've always dedicated a day in the week before Christmas to visiting and sharing plates of cookies with... and Ray died this past year, so now there's only Nellie. I do love the woman, but her house smells disgusting. It probably hasn't been cleaned in decades, and she's our resident cat lady in the family. x_x Not crazy, but still the cat lady. So yeah... floors buried in 2 inches of fur and dust and the odors of the ages hanging in the air... *shudder*
After that I finally made it to the post office to pick up a money order that should make certain short tempered Asian boy pretty happy. >.> Was pretty amusing when the first guy I talked to said he didn't have any international MOs, so he had to send me to another teller, and when this guy asked me what country I was shipping to and I told him Japan, he said "Not gonna happen." Yeeeeah, never mind that I just bought an MO from there, like, 2 months ago and the items it bought me are happily strewn around my room as I speak. >.> So yeah... set him straight, got my order, and accompanied the parents to Lowe's, where I got some more color cards in preparation for the painting of my room. I got sick of the nasty grey-lavender color on my walls long ago, not to mention the cracks and holes and greasy spots all over them. Gonna be nice to finally get some real blinds after the painting is done, too. I kid not when I say my current curtains are made from an old bedsheet cut in half. >_>
And that's pretty much it, so far. Tomorrow morning I have a dentist appointment, and the following day is Christmas Eve, which means I get to see my Dumplin' and eat lots of spiffy food. <3 And of course the day after that we go to see my brother and nephew to give them their goodies. Then the rush pretty much ends for another year, and I get to scramble around trying to finish assembling my four Ohayocon costumes. >__x;
In other news... it's really cold. And our central air doesn't seem to like climbing the stairs to my room any more than I do, so nights have been rather chilly up here lately. *curls up in blankey and rubs hands together* I understand it's also snowing like crazy in pretty much every Ohioan location that exists to our north, but all we've had here today is cold and dreariness and rain. *le sigh* Dangit, I want my snow too.
I am done now, so until next time, I suppose. Loves. <3
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 12/22/2004 06:10:00 PM
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wThursday, December 16, 2004 |
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feeling: ...
listening to: Elton John - Candle in the Wind is stuck in my head >_x
Hm. Bored today. Won't last much longer, because the nephew's coming shortly and then we're taking him to our church Christmas dinner. But I got up too early and have long since exhausted myself of the activities I normally fill my time with before the 3:00 pm hour.
Kinda started a new translation venture over at my blog reserved for that sort of thing, but in the time I've spent trying to make sense of it, I have realized just why it's the one Moriyama Naotarou song I know and like that hasn't been translated by anyone else already. Because it's EVIL. I'm two verses in, not even really satisfied with those, and completely lost on what comes next.
I should enjoy the downtime while I have it, as this weekend promises to be rather insane. Saturday I have to get up early to be at church by noon for choir and brass ensemble practice, then we might find time to go to my cousin's post-baby shower to meet her new daughter, then off to Ashville for mom's family's Christmas party. Then Sunday morning the brass ensemble is scheduled to play at church *is not ready =_=*, with a repeat performance in the evening during the Christmas program where the choir is also performing. It's a darn good thing Jess is playing the first trumpet part with me. Gonna need her backup when I miss those notes I haven't landed right yet in practice. Of course, if I were actually practicing at home on my own every now and then it'd be a different story, but who actually does that? >.>
La la... boring afternoon... think I'll do some online shopping...
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 12/16/2004 03:10:00 PM
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wMonday, December 13, 2004 |
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feeling: eww
listening to: Miyavi - Onpu no Tegami (Music Note Letter) is stuck in my head
Ignore this. I just want to whine about how goopy I feel.
First off, I'm tired. Been tired all day, and missed my afternoon nap in favor of putting together a bunch of pictures of my planned Ohayocon costumes to show my parents so they can see I'm not going to spend like, hundreds of dollars on each of four costumes. Actually, I did get maybe half an hour of snooze in... and from the moment I woke up from that, I felt... almost sick. But not really. Stomach was all woozy and glorpy and weird... not nauseous, not pain, not cramps... just weird. Nasty taste in the back of my throat too. No idea what any of that is about. Maybe the leftover steak and noodle stuff I had for lunch was a day or two older than I realized. But I put a bunch of junk food on top of it during the dinner hour, and if it didn't get any worse from that, it's probably not going to. So I'm probably fine.
It's still annoying though. And I'm still tired. Have been tired for hours... but not sleepy tired. If I'd tried to go to sleep at any point since, like, 10 pm, I would've ended up lying wide awake with aching eyes and pounding head until the usual 4 or 5 in the morning. Speaking of 10 pm, Hey Hey Hey wasn't on tonight. Again. They need to not make a habit out of that.
Anyway. I'm tired. And cold. And blobby. And feeling all worthless cause I'm not really aware of who and what is around me, and my brain can't keep up with anything, and etc. That always happens when I'm sleep deprived, but not this bad, to my recollection.
Sorry for being all useless. Give me a couple days to wake up and I should be fine.
There. I ranted. Now don't I feel slightly better?
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 12/13/2004 04:05:00 AM
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wMonday, December 06, 2004 |
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feeling: tired...
listening to: Malize Mizer - Kioku to Sora (Memory and Sky)
Just as a warning, I typed up this blog earlier tonight, but then a few dozen BSODs suddenly swarmed upon me, so it was lost. Hence any punctuated or blunt-ended feelings this post may portray. That and I'm really, really tired. >.>
Anyway... thought I'd kinda follow up my last post. I didn't mean to worry anyone with all that... so sorry if I did. :\ I had just kinda been noticing more things about my dreams lately for some reason, and thinking more about the stuff that happens in them. That was just a bit of a venting session I'd been wanting to type up for some days, more for my own purposes than anything... to kinda organize my thoughts and figure out what exactly it was that I kept noticing, not because I wanted to be all down again or anything. Actually I was more amused than anything as I typed it up. So, no worries. The nasty histories I mentioned there are just that - history. Very much out of sight and out of mind.
And to address the other issue that I inadvertently brought up... yeeeeah, I have been used by a few people in my life... but I don't really think it's had that much of a negative effect on me. I've always been the type who would do anything I could to be of help, no matter who it's for, as long as my actions wouldn't be hurting the recipient, myself, or anyone else. I guess that did and still does make me easy to take advantage of... but it's just how I am, and when people do end up using me, I don't think much of it, as long as I was able to be of some benefit to their lives. Call me a martyr... though I kinda prefer loyal to the point of puppydog devotion, but I wouldn't argue. >.>
So if being repeatedly taken advantage of isn't what made me the recluse I am today, then what did it?
... I've talked about that so many times in this blog, the stories have lost all meaning to me. :P But I know digging through 3 years' worth of posts to find those stories isn't an appetizing thought... so hmm... why, in a nutshell, do I keep to myself...
Well, it started in junior high when one of my best friends told me I was too bossy. So in response I shut myself up completely, only speaking when spoken to - most common response was "whatever" - and mutely going along with whatever my friends wanted to do. It was just supposed to be a temporary bratty reaction out of pure spite, but it ended up working too well - my friends got a kick out of my submissiveness. So it sort of stuck.
After that little personality switch, it was just several years of being remorselessly left out in the cold by people I loved more than anything. You kinda start to lose a lot of trust in humans after so many repetitions of that routine. And after so many years of shutting myself away in a cave as far away as possible from human influence, I just pretty much forgot how to deal with people and social situations. And that, in a large and gaping nutshell, is why I seem cold and quiet and reclusive to those who don't know me very well (and in many cases, to those who do as well).
But all of that is water under the bridge. The only thing I'm suffering from now is the continued absence of social skills because I spent years burying the fledgling ones I had... and I only call that suffering because I feel bad for giving off a cold, uncaring impression when I meet and talk to new people.
But don't worry about me, k? As I've said a few times between this blog and my LJ, I'm happier with my life now than I think I've ever been. I've found myself hardly even thinking about the past anymore, any aspect of it... because the happiness and peace I have now not only drowns out the rough spots in my past, it also dwarfs the good spots. It's that much greater.
Granted, I still get into my little unexplained depressed funks now and then, but who doesn't? Nothing that won't pass with time.
And I think that's all I'd set out to say before the computer ate my first version of this... so there we go.
To wind up on a completely random note, I seem to be in a mild Malice Mizer kick these days. I decided that Tetsu's voice reminds me ever so slightly of a cross between Fu-ki and Takeshi, but constantly on the verge of a nervous breakdown. >.> And one of their Klaha-era songs, Seinaru Toki Eien no Inori, somehow reminds me of Phantom of the Opera. O.o
And that's all. Long past my bedtime.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 12/06/2004 03:47:00 AM
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wFriday, December 03, 2004 |
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feeling: slightly headachy
listening to: Malice Mizer - Baroque
So Kiwamu's fanart is done, only a week and a half late. *rubs wrist* But like I told him in the email, he doesn't have a birthday anyway, so blah. :P And unexpectedly, he actually commented on it - said "Nice drawing" and asked what software I use. *amused* So anyway, since the uploaded version on his site did suffer a little from resizing and compression, here's the full version. Could've done better, but I wasn't going for painstaking detail like Kaede's. One of those a year is enough. x_x
So finally, that's it for this year's birthdays. I was hoping to send a little something to each of them for Christmas too (something purchased, not fanart), but I probably won't have time to bring the ideas I had to life, and even if I did, they'll be in Europe for at least a full week before/during the holiday anyway... so whatever. There is one thing that I really want to get for Kaede at some point, but it costs way too much... *sigh*
Anyway, to less redundant things. Have once again taken great interest in my dream world recently. And not just because of the BLOOD dream from the other night that Calla and Dumplin' know about. *smirk* But I realized the other day that I was able to understand the personalities of people I've known for years, through dreams about them. Like, better than I understand them in real life. Creeeeepy.
The one that surprised me most was a girl I called my best friend by default during my last couple years in high school... 'by default' just means I didn't really have any other friends at that time, and since she and I hung out during lunch every day, she got the title... even though she annoyed me greatly. >_> It's been at least 3 years since I last spoke with her, and yet for some reason she's appeared in two or three of my dreams in the past few weeks. And in all of them she was... clingy. Like, paranoid clingy. As though she would break apart if I (or the other girl we were with in the case of that one dream...) left her side for a minute. In one she was sick and miserable, either with a headache or stomachache, and when I offered to take her somewhere to lie down or something, she whined that she didn't want anything, except for me to stay there with her. In another she wanted me to help her with some art or lab type project, and all I had to do was show up - there didn't even appear to be a project there for her to work on - and she just latched onto me and gushed with gratitude. Just for showing up. Then we left and ran into another girl who she apparently knew, and she immediately started clinging to her. In real life she wasn't a physically clingy or touchy person, to my recollection... bit on the emotional side though... and she did tend to fly off the handle when I didn't meet her to hang out at the usual place like we did during lunch period every day. I never understood why she wanted to call me her friend... I was cold and silent as a rule then (even more so >.>), contributed nothing to the relationship, and even made it a point to shut myself off to her when she started talking or dragging me around, as she was fairly bossy and annoying. Not malicious, just sort of living in her own little world where apparently everything always went her way. I dunno. But yeah... the whole paranoid clingyness thing in the dreams somehow made sense, even though she never acted like that when we were friends.
Another one is a girl I haven't really spent time with since 11th or 12th grade... she was my best friend for 8 or so years, though that span of time was littered with squabbles and spats. She was selfish, spoiled, and petty, and our friendship essentially ended all because one night she invited me to spend the night, but I couldn't because I had a huge class project to finish. All our other fights also had to do with me refusing to cater to her every whim. She did return to being friendly with me in my last years of high school though, just so I'd help her with her homework, as she was a year younger than me and could benefit from my class experience. Anyway, she has randomly appeared in my dreams on quite a few occasions in the past few years, and in every one of them her behavior toward me is the same - she's cold, she ignores everything I say and do, she does her own thing and speaks to me only when she wants something... but she doesn't leave. She stays by my side, or rather keeps me glued to hers in case I come in handy. I'm her puppet on a string. And that pretty much sums up the real-life relationship we had before our ties dissolved away when she graduated and I left for college. She was much less cold in reality than she is in my dreams, and far more open, but it was only a front to stay on my good side in case she ever needed a favor. Just the same in the dreams, except all fronts are gone and the true nature of our relationship is all I see.
And finally, there's the person who meant more to me than anything for several years, even after we grew apart... the one I once thought was my soulmate, before she just stopped having time for me. But unlike the above two, our friendship was true, and though it took me years to realize it, it was the first genuine one I ever had. She hurt me dozens of times, but never once intentionally. I always described her as, in the immortal words of Juri, cruelly innocent. I knew I meant a great deal to her, as she did to me. She just... wasn't exactly the most aware person you'll ever find, if that makes sense. She always had so much going on all around her and was surrounded by a huge, chaotic social circle... she didn't know she was hurting me, and I don't blame her. She was busy enough to never notice the difference when I gradually drifted away, unable to keep up and too selfish to think I needed to try. Ahem, anyway... and yeah, she has appeared in my dreams more times than I can count in the past several years, and again, she's the same in all of them (except one O_o). She's... clingy too, but in an affectionate, devoted way as opposed to a paranoid one. Even cuddly, on many occasions. Just as she was/is in reality... but the difference is, in my dreams, there's only the two of us. Only I am there to receive her attention, and vice versa. If she hadn't been constantly in demand by her wild schedule and vast social circle, what I see in my dreams is what our friendship would really have been, and might still be to this day.
Of course, there are plenty of other people who pop into my dreams now and then to give me a look at their real selves, but those three are the ones I've been noticing most in recent weeks. And this may not be anything new or fascinating to anyone else, but me being the thick little blond at heart that I am, I was surprised it took half a decade of dreams for me to finally see the truth of those past relationships, the faces I couldn't see behind the overbearingness, the nicey-nice fronts, and the chaos.
So, la la. I'm done ranting now. And I must've twisted my neck the wrong way in my sleep this morning, cause my head's all stingy-achy today... =_=
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 12/03/2004 04:06:00 PM
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