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wStuff You Don't Wanna Know But Are Reading Anyway |
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I dunno how you found this, but alas, here you are. So enjoy the frightening fruits of my troubled little brain.
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wMonday, September 29, 2003 |
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feeling: like someone whos' in that really hyper, self-absorbed, the-world-sucks-and-everyone-should-be-more-like-me stage that people have immediately before they either have a mental breakdown or die a gruesome death. like Frank Grimes before he electrocuted himself. remember him? poor Grimey.
listening to: nothing
Ok. All my life I have pretty much loathed everything about myself, both the physical and personality aspects. Some call it 'you're your own worst critic', some call it low self esteem, some call it a cry for attention, whatever. But right now, I am about to take a much needed break from that trend and delve into my forever-suppressed egomaniacal side. Are you ready? Here I go.
I look freaking CUTE today.
There. I had an ego trip. Don't worry, it won't happen again.
Oh, and I still haven't learned my lesson about not leaving my door open. Some girl from my floor just walked in and gave me a Buckeye Express serving of chicken nuggets for no apparent reason. But on the other hand, I like chicken nuggets. I think I even have some leftover honey mustard sauce in my fridge from last week. And hey, she saved me a trip away from the computer to get dinner this evening. Yay! The hermit's saga continues!
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 9/29/2003 02:25:00 PM
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wSunday, September 28, 2003 |
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feeling: impatient
listening to: nothing
I have found myself unusually bored this weekend, and I know exactly why that is, but there seems to be nothing I can do about it, so here's one of those annoyingly long surveys I haven't done in a while.
ANGER
1. Who did you last get angry with?: I really can't think of anyone I've been angry with
2. What is your weapon of choice?: katar, triple critical... err I mean... my words 9_9
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?: not with any kind of seriousness
4. How about of the same sex?: if she hit me first
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you?: don't really know
6. What is your pet peeve?: people who walk in groups so they take up the whole sidewalk, particularly when they're so busy talking to each other that they walk really freaking slow so the people behind them can't get past... there are others but that one came to mind first
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?: I forget nothing
SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you have not done in a long time?: talked with Ryu, but sloth doesn't really have anything to do with that
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up?: I think 2 p.m.
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't: hard to say
4. What is the last lame excuse you made?: that the reason I can't eat, sleep, or concentrate is based on some unidentified physical health condition of my own... err wait... that's the true excuse, not the lame one...
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?: I used to watch those all the time... they were amusing
6. When was the last time you got a good workout in?: probably 5 or 6 years ago, when I ran track
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?: my alarm doesn't go off on Sundays... and I never hit the snooze anyway
GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?: I had orange guava passionfruit juice for lunch today... is that yuppie?
2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat?: whichever
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company?: no
5. Do you have an issue with your weight?: it's not really an 'issue', but I seem to have lost enough of it in the last 6 months to create a whole 'nother person... one about the size of my toddler nephew maybe, but still a person
6. Do you prefer sweet, salty, sour, bitter or spicy foods?: sweet
7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "LUNCH!"?: only if they were eating lunch :P
LUST
1. How many people of the opposite sex have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)?: not counting movies/family... zero
2. How many people of the opposite sex have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)?: counting physicians/family... zero
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation?: no... there's really nothing visibly attractive at all to me about those regions
4. Have you "done it"?: no
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?: eyes, smile, arms... I dunno
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?: no
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy?: no
GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own?: none
2. What's your guilty pleasure store?: Seafood Japan... I am SO going to buy out their stock of Pinky Peach Mints next time I'm there
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it?: pay off college, buy a new computer, possibly buy a new(er) car, take a round trip to/from Japan by way of California, buy a PS2 and corresponding games, and put any remainder in the bank to build interest
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous?: rich
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?: um... who wouldn't?
6. Have you ever stolen anything?: see the next question lol
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive?: 898
PRIDE
1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of?: I can't think of anything
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?: they claim to be proud of pretty much everything I've done, but then again, they're my parents
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life?: graduate from college, find a job I can actually live with and that will support my life, since I don't see myself ever having a husband to mooch off of
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?: no, second place is just fine
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?: ...why would I enter a contest if I knew I was of lower skill than everyone else?
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?: well, I haven't cheated to get a lower score
7. What did you do today that you're proud of?: I've only been awake for 3 hours, but... um, I actually got up, and then took a shower and went to the commons for lunch, instead of staying in bed all afternoon like I felt like doing
ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?: lol, what person of my friends' would I like to own?... interesting question
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?: no one... I have no space to trade
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?: a guy... probably one who goes by the alias of Adion
4. Have you ever been cheated on?: not in the traditional sense of the term
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?: a less pointy nose, a less pudgy face, and a couple other things which shall go unmentioned
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?: the ability to just fall asleep as soon as one's head hits the pillow, and then to STAY asleep all night... the ability to be open and social whether the situation demands it or not... and the ability to move on and get over things
7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey?: heh, not really
8. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin?: if you thought I'd say anything besides sloth, you really don't know me :P
-- Name: Becky
-- Birthday: June 23, 1540... if you recognize that year, many high fives and bottles of Neue to you :P
-- Current Location: room 902, Siebert Hall, Ohio State University south campus, Columbus, Ohio, USA, Earth, Milky Way...
-- Eye Color: blue, but many would call them green
-- Hair Color: brown
-- Righty or Lefty: right
-- Zodiac Sign: Cancer, or Dog if you're Chinese
-- Font: Comic Sans MS, but I never really use it for some reason
[ your favorite ]
-- Music: anything from Gackt and Cowboy Bebop
-- Cartoon: Futurama and Family Guy come to mind
-- Color: blue
-- Slushy Flavor: blue, cause they turn your tongue blue
-- Magazine: none
-- TV Show: Whose Line is it Anyway
-- Song at the Moment: at the moment? lol see my AIM info and take your pick
-- Language: Japanese
-- Spice Girl: the dead one
-- Food & Beverage: as in together? um... heck if I know
-- Subject in School: Japanese
-- Weekend Activity: for the past month or so I haven't really had one
-- Ice Cream Flavor: Phish Food
-- Roller Coaster: from among those I've actually ridden, probably Raptor at Cedar Point... or Face/Off at Kings Island if only it were longer... and I am dying to ride Millenium Force and Top Thrill Dragster
[ opposite sex]
-- Best eye color?: doesn't matter
-- Best hair color?: doesn't matter, but that dark/dirty/sandy blond thing always appealed to me
-- Short or long hair?: as long as there's actually hair there and it looks relatively taken care of, it's fine with me
-- Best height?: taller than me but not towering
-- Best weight?: doesn't matter
-- Best articles of clothing?: jackets are cool lol
-- Best first date location?: somewhere outside where the stars are visible
-- What facial feature do you find the most attractive?: eyes and smile
[ past ]
--First grade teacher's name: Deedee Skaggs
--Last word you said: 'the' :P
--Last song you sang: Gackt - Mizerable... I like the 'mawaru, mawaru' part lol
[ present ]
--What's in your cd player?: absolutely nothing
--What color socks are you wearing?: they're Snoopy socks :P Joe Cool to be specific
--What's under your bed?: my empty suitcase
--What time did you wake up today?: I believe the clock said 11:53 a.m. when I dragged myself out of bed
[ now ]
--Current mood: empty
--Current music: some annoying rap blasting out of Hale Hall, the African American culture center which happens to be right in front of my dorm
--Current taste: nothing
--Current hair: clean
--Current clothes: old jeans and an old red Old Navy shirt... heh, the word 'old' seems to suit me...
--Current annoyance: I can't find anything to do that holds my interest, and I'd rather do just about anything than touch that pile of homework
--Current smell: someone on this floor just cooked something that smells like mac & cheese
--Current longing: heh, 3 guesses and the first 2 don't count
--Current desktop picture: this one... look close, it says 'mawaru, mawaru' right above his head lol
--Current favorite artists: Yoko Kanno, Mai Yamane, Seatbelts, Gackt...
--Current colour of toenails: um... toenail colored
--Current crush: I only had one crush in my life, and that was because I forced myself to, back in like 6th grade... I kinda take pride in knowing the difference between a crush and the 'real thing'
--Current time: 4:20... heh I started this thing over an hour ago... the wallpaper question up there made me want to go look for more Gackt wallpapers and quizzes :P
--Current hate: this particular academic year
--Story behind your LJ username: there is no LJ
--Current favorite article of clothing: I dunno, probably my new green Aeropostale tee
--last cd that you bought: I have no clue
--Strong in mind or strong in body: mind... mind mind mind
--Do you believe in an afterlife?: yeah
--How tall are you?: like, 5'5"
--Current favourite word: I have lots... yet none of them actually come to mind right now
--Favorite book(s): I dunno
--Favorite season: winter
--Favorite day: don't really have one
all about you...
my name is: wasn't this question asked somewhere up there already...?
all i need is: to get these last few details off my mind so I can concentrate on what needs to get done
love is: recommended
im afraid of: ...the word 'social' occurs in this answer somewhere...
have u ever...
pictured ur crush naked?: what crush?
seen ur crush naked?: see above
been in love: you could say that
cried when someone died: yeah... when my fish died last year 9_9
drank alcohol: no
lied: probably, but I really can't recall an instance where I did
which is better...
coke or pepsi: Pepsi
flowers or candy: flowers, cause I don't have much of an appetite ever since that stupid flu thing in spring
scruff or clean shaven: clean shaven
tall or short: happy medium
with the opposite sex
what do u notice first?: personality... or I could be shallow and say eyes, but... nah
last person u slow danced with: Willard at senior prom lol
worst question to ask: I can't decide on one
the last time i had a great time wit the opposite sex: the evening of September 4, 2003
who
makes u laugh the most?: hard to say
makes u smile?: even harder to say
gives u a funny feeling when u c them: I don't see a lot of people
has a crush on u?: I'm guessing no one
who can make u feel better no matter what: I had an answer to this right up until ~3 weeks ago
easier to talk to - boys or girls?: not much difference to me
do u ever
sit on the internet all day waiting for someone special to i.m u: I have in the past
save aol/aim conversations: the good ones... I have 21 of them
save e-mails: lol I never delete emails... except spam and crap
wish u were a member of the opposite sex: yes
cried because of someone saying something to u: umm... I don't think so
best
kiss: please don't make me choose just one :P *rolls eyes*
romantic memory: let me refer you to one of these AIM transcripts I saved over the summer...
have u ever
fallen for ur best friend: one could put it that way
rejected someone: hard to reject offers you don't get
been cheated on: I've heard this one before too...
done something u regret: more like it's what I didn't do that I regret
do you
color ur hair: no
ever get off the damn computer: when I have to
habla espanol: ningun
have u/do u/are u
smoke: no
obsessive: depends... what about?
if u could be anywhere, where would u be?: well, not here...
could u live without the computer?: no I could not
how many peeps are on ur buddylist?: 52
whats ur favorite food?: there are many
whats ur favorite fruit?: bananas
do u drink alcohol?: what's with all the repeat questions?
like watching sunrises or sunsets: sunsets... though I have enjoyed the occasional sunrise just before hitting the sack :P
what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?: not that they're even remotely similar, but... emotional pain seems to have a much bigger long-term effect on your life than physical, and it's a lot harder to overcome... so I say emotional
do u trust others way too easily?: heh, it's funny... I don't trust people at all in general, but once someone takes the time to earn my trust, they have it forever, no matter what may happen in the future
i want: you probably know the answer to that
i wish: see above
i love: this is getting pretty pointless now -_-;
i miss: the feeling of belonging and knowing I was as important to someone as they were to me
i fear: is this not looking reminiscent of the last survey I filled out...?
i hear: that same rap music pumping out of Hale Hall
i wonder: if the air will ever be cleared so I can concentrate on the here and now
whats the best kind of relationship?: the kind Hachi and Mizuho had lol
how do u kno its love?: when they're the only thing you can think about, to the point where they're already on your mind first thing when you wake up in the morning before you're even awake enough to be aware of exactly where you are, so much so that it's like they ARE your mind... when you get the same butterflies in your stomach every time you see them or think about them... when the only thing you want in the world is for them to be as happy as you are... when you'd do anything or travel any distance to make sure they knew you cared... when you get all shivery and giddy just hearing them say goofy stuff like "must not waste time blinking!" just before parting ways for the night... and there's probably more...
Heh, two and a half hours later, a newly started blog sees completion...
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 9/28/2003 05:26:00 PM
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wFriday, September 26, 2003 |
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feeling: tired
listening to: nothing
It's 1:30 a.m., and some girl from my floor whose name I don't know just came charging into my room, threw her cell phone to my floor so hard it broke in two, stood there for several minutes crying and ranting to me about how her boyfriend of a year just blew her off for his ex of 3 months, then left.
I gotta stop leaving my door open.
(By the way, I'm not going to jump the gun and say I've returned to 'regular' blogging... this last week didn't really go as planned and so I'm still around here, which wasn't my intent. And my blog is still pointless, and I'm still a useless husk only able to concentrate on what wasn't said and what needs to come out but can't. Which isn't the optimal condition for someone about to dive headlong into the most evil, stressful, demanding year of one's life. So we'll just see how stuff goes from here.)
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 9/26/2003 01:34:00 AM
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wTuesday, September 16, 2003 |
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feeling: like I've finally had my fill
listening to: nothing
Here's a little essay detailing the events of my summer. The main point is in the last half or so, so just skip down about halfway if you don't have a lot of time on your hands, like I do.
So, all my life, since I was old enough to notice, I never really belonged or fit in anywhere. I joined a lot of groups, hung out with a lot of people, took part in a lot of activities, all of which fit my greatest interests perfectly... but still there was always an emptiness that nothing could seem to fill. I didn't call it emptiness then though, because I wasn't sure what it was supposed to be... I thought I was just perpetually bored.
Then, back in late June while playing Ragnarok Online, my precious little jaded lone wolf of a thief, Raelin, whose character was designed to be forever alone and antisocial, actually joined a party. I was up till 4:30 that night having a blast with the other members. The next day I had a doc appointment, which is normally a bit nerveracking, but all I could think about was how much fun I'd had the night before and how I couldn't wait to get back to the gang when I got home. It was a great feeling.
Over the next few weeks it only got better... the party didn't hold up, but through it I made a couple of great friends who, as I later realized, efficiently fillled up that void I'd had in me all my life. I'm serious. Not only did I finally feel like I belonged somewhere, but I was actually right at the center of it all, and it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. The culmination of this was when I and those great friends formed a guild in which, once again, I was pretty much right at the center along with the one who'd spent most/all of his zeny to create it. Little Raelin was no longer alone, and in my mind I was changing her story to include her new friends, her beloved guild, and her discovery of what it's like to fit in and be important and needed. Yes, Raelin's a bit of an extension of myself, by the way, in case you didn't gather that by now.
I then had the best two months of my life. I finally fit in, I was important, I was cared about, and I was happier than I'd ever imagined possible. Like, my entire existence was nothing but happiness. Dumb as it sounds, I actually saw myself becoming an all-around better person now that I knew what it felt like to belong. I saw myself being more outgoing, relating more easily to people, feeling more motivated, and just being a better human being. That, I guess, is what happens when the emptiness you've felt all your life actually becomes filled. It's an awesome feeling which I'd recommend to anyone.
Then, late one night about a week and a half ago, one of those two great friends through whom I'd found happiness went from wanting nothing but happiness for me, to never wanting to speak to me again. He didn't tell me why, and he didn't give me a chance to say goodbye. He even went so far as to change his contact information and leave Ragnarok Online just so there'd be no chance of running into me again. And as he went, the other great friend I'd found at the same time seemed to begin avoiding me as well, I assume to sever any remaining ties I had to the friend who'd blocked me out of his life. And along with them went all that happiness I'd been basking in all summer long. After so many years I finally learned what belonging felt like, only to have it ripped away in the course of just a few minutes, once again leaving me with the same big hole I'd had up until June... only this time the hole was fresh and thus lined with rough, jagged edges, which hurt a lot more than nice smooth edges. Another thing that made it more painful was knowing full well what was supposed to be filling it, but knowing also that it was out of my reach.
Then, last night, my return to the land of unbelonging was made official when I logged onto Ragnarok Online and found that Raelin's guild, her home, the symbol of her finally belonging somewhere, was no more. Either it was destroyed by the creator (who once said he'd never destroy all that zeny and effort), or she alone was expelled. I may never know.
Anyway, for the sake of completeness, other highlights of this summer included my only living grandma being for all practical purposes on her death bed, my fish Sekiray heading down the same road as her, the effects of some weird physical affliction of my own that no doctor has been able to identify since I first had it examined 2 years ago, and various other stuff that effectively drowned out all that happiness I had until a week and a half ago. Funny how life flings all its crap at you all at the same time rather than giving you time in between throws to get over one before being crushed by the next.
Already I've almost forgotten what that happiness felt like. All I can feel now is that old emptiness, and after having plenty of free time to think about it (or I should say dwell on it, though not by choice), I'm now positive that there's only one thing that can fill it. One person, to be accurate. One person who has gone to all lengths possible to erase himself from my life. Maybe it's just the pain talking, but based on all this, isn't it kind of pointless to go through life hoping for a happy ending when I know that the only thing that can fill this hole is forever removed from me?
Some may recognize this quote from a previous blogged survey thing... "I fear: what would happen if I lost what I've just found." Well, that fear has been realized. What happened when I lost it? I lost interest in every aspect of my life, including the necessary stuff like eating and sleeping. At least before this summer, the edges of that hole were softened by the many interests and hobbies I occupied my mind with. But now even they do nothing for me. So the big rough-edged hole is now surrounded by a bunch of little tiny holes that, unlike the big one, were never there before.
One conclusion I've made in these past eleven days was that a person who just sits around being useless 24/7 and does nothing to benefit this world doesn't deserve to be rewarded with happiness. I fit that description. I don't deserve happiness, I don't deserve love, and therefore I don't deserve him. Maybe that's why he left. But, for some unknown reason, life gave me a taste of all three of those things anyway, even though I didn't deserve them. And you know what? Something in me had the sense to grab that happiness while I had the chance, to cling to it for all I was worth for as long as I possibly could. I threw away my doubts and accepted it. And despite how much it hurt when I lost it, I'll never, ever regret it.
The lesson here: if life offers you something so great you don't think you deserve it, prove to life that you're not an idiot, and take it anyway. Don't get so overcome by your doubts that you throw away what could be the best thing to ever happen to you. If you spend all your life questioning whether or not you deserve the blessings you've been given, you'll just end up refusing them all, and you'll never know what happiness is.
That's my essay. It might also be my last post. It's gotten to where updating this blog is just a chore, much like everything else I've tried to do lately... and it's been pretty pointless since the day I created it anyway. But ultimately, life's been having its fun with me for years now, and in these past couple weeks, it finally won. So off into the blue I fly. If you're Dumpling, don't worry... I'll explain all if you want, just ask before I go on Sunday. If you're one of the two aforementioned friends that briefly filled the void in my life this summer... thanks for showing me what happiness feels like. I'll never forget any of it. If either of you ever want to pick up where we left off, I'll keep myself available to you both up until this Sunday... after which I can make no promises right now. If you're anyone else... thanks for being interested enough to read this, I guess. So... sayounara, adios, au revoir, arrivederci, auf weidersehen, goodbye, no black and white in blue, etc etc.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 9/16/2003 10:27:00 PM
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wThursday, September 11, 2003 |
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feeling: like there's a big hole right here *points to chest*
listening to: nothing
I guess I should consider myself lucky to have parents who care so much about my well-being that they make it their mission to pry from me exactly why I've been a useless, appetiteless, sleepless, cheerless husk for the past week. They've made pretty much every guess under the sun except the right one. Kinda wish I could tell them what's wrong, because I feel bad for worrying them, but this is just not the kind of thing me and my parents discuss. It never has been. Besides, Dumplin's more than willing to listen to me rant and rave and whine and grieve for hours on end. Maybe she can't give me the same kind of happiness that he did, and maybe she can't fill that giant hole he left in my being, but thanks to her at least I can still have some kind of happy left somewhere in me. I hope that came out the way I wanted it to. I thank God every day for her.
But I still haven't solved my dilemma from the previous blog. Though, lately I often catch myself thinking I'd better cling to those good memories and remember that my entire being was happier during those last few weeks than it's ever been in my life. Because from where I stand now it's hard to imagine ever being that happy again, unless he changes his mind, of course. Hear that? If you change your mind I won't turn you away. Don't rule it out, either... we all know how frequently you can change your mind. :P
Anyway... maybe remembering the good times will be easier once the shock and numbness finally wear off. But still, there's only 2 ways this big stupid hole in me can ever be filled: 1) knowing the two of us are at least still on good terms, or 2) him coming back and letting us pick up where we left off. I know a person like me doesn't deserve the kind of happiness I had up until last Friday night, but since life gave me a taste of it anyway, can't I just be indulged one last time with one of those two options? Just this once? Either one would really help...
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 9/11/2003 09:13:00 PM
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wSaturday, September 06, 2003 |
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I have a new dilemma:
Is it better to forget both the bad times and the good, and take a gamble on your ability to forget it all happened, or to hold onto the good memories and take a gamble on your ability to forget how much the bad ones hurt?
Seems to me there are advantages as well as risks with both options. With the first one, there's always the chance that in your efforts to forget everything that ever happened, you'll only remember it all more, thus making it hurt worse... but on the other hand, if you do manage to succeed in forgetting, it's gone for good and won't haunt you again. Whereas with the second option, there's always the chance that holding onto the good times will be painful because you know you might never relive them again... but on the other hand, if you succeed in clinging to the good times, they're more likely to drown out the bad ones.
The problem with either of these options is that they take time. A lot of time. Especially for people who don't really have anything better to occupy their minds with, at least not for a couple more weeks. Hey, like me. And during that time of trying to either remember or forget, you can't really think of anything else. Things like eating and sleeping and studying and just doing what needs to be done become all but impossible because all you can concentrate on is how much you miss what you once had and how much your stomach hurts to think about it. That's how it is for me, anyway.
Of course, deciding which of the two options to go with is always much easier if you know whether or not you're even still on good terms with the other person involved. If the other person never wants to see you again out of pure disgust or annoyance, the first option is better... but if you at least know that the other person still cares and wants you to be happy, you can go with the second option. But see, in my case, I don't even know if I and my 'other person involved' are still on good terms. It'd sure be nice to know whether or not they still care about me even in the least. But, I'm probably asking too much.
So... I doubt my 'other person involved' will ever read this... but if you are here, you know who you are. And I want you to know that I hold absolutely nothing against you, I never have, and I never will. I'll still care about you even if you don't want me to, and I still want you to be happy, even if that happiness can't involve me. And as you should know, I never say anything I don't mean. That goes double for the email I sent you around 5:00 this morning.
Now all I have to do is figure out whether to remember those good memories or try to forget them along with the bad... suggestions, anyone?
comment! (0)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 9/06/2003 09:32:00 PM
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wFriday, September 05, 2003 |
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feeling: like my arm's sore
listening to: Cowboy Bebop - PAPA Plastic
Just thought I'd post since I hardly ever do anymore. Yay! Shotgun blog! *square dances*
Before we get started, a small rant. Blogger changed formats again. I don't like this one! Gimme the old one back! >_<
So, just over 2 weeks remaining of summer now. Think that'll give me enough time to design and complete the pattern for an Elmo blanket for my nephew and his soon-to-be cousin (on his mom's side! chill! >:P), review approximately 150 kanji that summer break has yanked from my brain, and learn 13 new kanji? Heh, you'd think so... but don't forget, I suck.
Majorly looking forward to Ohayocon in January~ *glee* This time it will be held in a hotel that's a mere few minutes' bus ride from my dorm, as opposed to a 2.5-hour bus ride or a $25 taxi ride like it was this past January. That alone kicks so much butt. Pre-registration is also a little cheaper this time, and if we stay in my dorm instead of in the hotel (with its hefty $103 per room per night price), all the technicals of the con should be cheaper overall. Allowing more cash to be set aside for the dealers' room. >:3
Remember a couple weeks or whenever ago when I posted that poor ol' Sekiray seems to be nearing his final days? Well, the little smart alec is really screwing with my head now. He's still doing a lot of resting and acts like he can't hold up the weight of his fins, but he doesn't do the sinking-like-a-rock thing that he was doing before. Also, his color has been absolutely perfect lately - all nice and rich and dark - which doesn't seem typical of a fish knocking on heaven's door. And his appetite is huge as always... he'll still jump out of the water to grab his dinner. But another habit I've caught him in recently: sometimes when at rest, he drifts to a vertical nose-up position so it looks like he's sitting up on his tail... not exactly a normal thing. I recall not long ago a member of a betta forum I visit posted that her elderly betta was doing this... and a few weeks later the poor fish died. :\ So, not really sure what to think... but he doesn't have any signs of sickness, so all I can do is feed him and keep his tank clean. And consider myself fortunate to have known such a little stud.
On the stranger front... I have finally decided to give up and accept the fact that, over these past 6 months or so, I have in fact lost weight. I didn't want to believe the first 3 or 4 people who told me I looked smaller, maybe because I haven't even done anything to try to lose weight... and even when I did in the past, it didn't work. In junior high I lost quite a bit due to simple (yet prolonged) lack of appetite, then I went through high school and 2 or 3 years of college where I did nothing but steadily gain... despite 2 years on the track team, countless months spent dieting, and spending a couple hours a day walking just between classes during the college years. But the other day I discovered that I can fit into jeans 2 to 4 sizes smaller than I wore a year ago. Face the facts, I say. :P I think it has something to do with that stupid flu I had back in late March... took me at least a month to get my appetite back...
Whistle... what else...
Oh, hey, in 2 weeks I start my senior year at uni. That means I'll have 4 options for what to do starting from next summer:
1) Be a good girl, put out a resume shortly before graduation, and join the rest of the working world shortly after.
2) Stay in school and put in another year or so, then repeat the process of "now what?".
3) Become a graduate student, which would entail pretty much dedicating the rest of my life to becoming/being a fluent Japanese speaker.
4) Do none of the above, stay home and mooch off my parents for another year or two or ten, possibly with the occasional summer/part-time job thrown in.
Considering I've never had a real job before, #2 or #3 actually look like the wisest choices. They'd give me an extra year or two to do some working and build up a fund upon which to base... well, the rest of my life. But I don't know how much more college I (and my parents) can afford. And as soon as I graduate, the bills will start rolling in like so many little paper steamrollers. Little, vicious, indestrictible paper steamrollers. Laminated ones.
But, as I've done for the past few years, for now I say 'meh, major decisions can wait a few more months', and put it off until I get that big ol' slap in the face that tells me I put it off waaaay too long. On the other hand, if I can survive that, I can survive pretty much anything this fudged up world would ever throw my way.
Anyway...
To my dearest friends, if I have seemed especially quiet or short on things to say these past few days, I apologize. I say so because one or two of you (or both of you :P) have expressed concern for me, noting that I seem worried, sad, anxious, etc. But I'm being fully honest when I say I'm none of those - after much discussion with myself I've concluded that I'm just... well, preoccupied. But it's the good kind of preoccupied, I promise ^_^ *glomps all around* Dumplin'-chan and Ryu Ryu, I'm sooooo lucky to have you guys~
*end mush moment*
Well, that's about all I can think of. Off to bed.
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dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 9/05/2003 03:39:00 AM
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