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wStuff You Don't Wanna Know But Are Reading Anyway |
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I dunno how you found this, but alas, here you are. So enjoy the frightening fruits of my troubled little brain.
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wSunday, December 31, 2006 |
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feeling: sleepy
listening to: Linkin Park - By Myself
So now that it's the end of the year, I suppose it's time to do the year in review meme that I've sort of made an annual thing here and on my LJ. Annual for three whole years. Huzzah for traditions.
Year in Review meme: Go to your Calendar and find the first entry (excluding memes) for each month of 2005. Post the first line of it in your journal, and that's your 'Year In Review'.
Here's a survey thing, cause I was bored. Dude, I am in such a good mood right now. I was reading some of the really really early entries in this blog and came across mentions of a couple creative pursuits I was... um, pursuing... but completely forgot about for 4 full years. In case it wasn't apparent by the weeks-long absence of posts, this blog is on hiatus. I doubt anyone bothers with this anymore. Prepare for a rant. Ok, just for the sake of posting something, here's a survey. The game is down again, so I listen to the BGMs in Winamp because I'm a dork... Ok, time for something less depressing. I have noticed that I experience a lot more bitterness on Sundays than any other time. There are a couple things I've been thinking about for some time but never felt like actually talking about. Ever since I started my translations blog, I entertained the goal of one day moving all the translations I put there to a real website and starting my own translations database.
Boy, talk about a thrilling year. I love that random and completely out of place February line.
And now it's time for my nap, if I can drown out the toddler bangs and thumps and screams coming from downstairs...
comment! (1)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 12/31/2006 01:07:00 PM
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wTuesday, December 26, 2006 |
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feeling: hot
listening to: Matsutoya Yumi - 7 Truths 7 Lies
Eheh. I'm amused.
Was just doing my rounds a few minutes ago and checked Myspace bulletins, and found one from BLOOD announcing that they now have an account at mixi, which is sort of like a Japanese Myspace-like community site thing. So I went there and was just going through the process to add them to my friend list when Kiwamu pounced and went into "Hey, do you have mixi?! I just added you to mine ^_____^" (only slightly paraphrased). I dunno, it just amuses me to no end that he actually hunted down my profile there and added me before I even had a chance to add him. Dork.
Anyway. Remember a couple posts ago when I had the idea to delve into the world of fansubbing? Well, not long after that I started translating episodes of the no-longer-running Japanese variety show D no Arashi. I've finished 8 episodes now, not counting one frickin' line in #5 and a couple in #7 that refuse to be perceived as intelligible over various background noise. Currently about halfway through episode 9. To give you an idea, in my first 2 days spent obsessively translating these things, I finished 2 episodes. Wonder if I'll ever have a prayer of finishing all 116 of them? Heh. Yeah. I'm just looking forward to getting up into the 20s or so when they start getting really goofy and amusing. But yeah, if I can actually motivate myself to finish a good chunk of these and turn them into fansubs, I'll be really darn proud of myself.
Speaking of time-killing stuff, I now have the sixth and final season of Xena on DVD, the first two volumes of Death Note, a legal copy *cough* of Advent Children, the first 4 eps of Haibane Renmei, and *gasp* Final Fantasy X. Indeed, I now own a PS2. I'm finally human! So yes... I have much to keep me busy for the next several weeks. Assuming I can manage to tear myself away from translating these videos.
I miss kitty, though. WOW better have her back online soon.
Oh, I discovered something cool yesterday. Apparently AZNTV is actually running J-dramas again, Sunday nights at 11. I can't even remember the last time I saw one on that network, but I know it was back when they were still the International Channel. The one they're running now is Nodame Cantabile, and I'm not sure how hard I should try to get into it since I'm sure the one I caught yesterday couldn't have been the first episode, and I have an annoying aversion to watching things out of order.
I'm still trying to figure out a new J-drama to download too. Last one I finished was Kisarazu Cat's Eye, which was... not a masterpiece, but had its amusing moments. Interesting cast, too... ahem. Anyway, I know I want to see Majo no Jouken soon, and of course the rest of Stand Up, but a certain fansubbing group hasn't finished fansubbing them yet and, the way things are going, probably won't for several more months. I've also been wanting to see Yasashii Jikan, Yoiko no Mikata, and Minami-kun no Koibito, but they're not subbed at all. Grr. Maybe I'll break down and get Gokusen 2 after all, even though I heard it sucked compared to the first season... or that Kindaichi Files thing, though the only one I've found downloadable is the third season and I was hoping to see the first two before that... bloody elusive oldskool series. Hmm, I guess there's also Itoshi Kimi E and Koori no Sekai... and stuff...
How have I bounced around between topics so much? Guess this is what happens when I don't post my rants often enough. Pardon my thinking out loud.
I'm tempted to watch Mukodono and Hana Yori Dango again, though... evil addictive things...
*slaps self*
I think I'll go start playing with my new Xena box. Too tired to concentrate on translating but it's too early to sleep.
comment! (2)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 12/26/2006 01:06:00 AM
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wSunday, December 03, 2006 |
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feeling: half tired
listening to: Ninomiya Kazunari - Konseki (Traces)
I don't know why, but when I listened to this song for the first time just now, I think I almost cried.
Anyway. I guess I spoke too soon about the quality of the Nobuta wo Produce fansubs in my last post. I had just watched the "zero episode" special that night, which was some separate thing the network had aired a few hours before the drama itself began in Japan. But the next night I started watching actual episodes, and their subs are much better. Guess the special was just screwed because the translator did it him(?)self, without the benefit of timers and editors and all that jazz. Anyway, I'm now 5 episodes into the series and it's... interesting, to say the least. Funny and sad and stupid and sympathetic and even sort of spooky all at the same time. Addictive as well, of course.
In other news, today has been weird. It started early in the morning with some of the strangest dreams I've had in a while. Nothing depressing or scary for once, but just... I really don't know where they came from or what to make of them. Been trying not to think about it too much, but they sort of set the tone for the whole day so it's hard to avoid.
And now? I dunno. I'm putting off sleep because I am tired, but in more of an achy way than a sleepy one, I guess. Not looking forward to going to bed anyway because I know I won't sleep. It's Saturday night; I never sleep on Saturday nights. Sundays are nothing to look forward to either.
But then again, if this mild lightheadedness is any indication, going to bed might be a good idea after all.
comment! (0)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 12/03/2006 03:34:00 AM
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wFriday, December 01, 2006 |
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feeling: grumbly
listening to: Arashi - Kotoba Yori mo Taisetsu na Mono (Something More Important Than Words)
Ever since I started my translations blog, I entertained the goal of one day moving all the translations I put there to a real website and starting my own translations database. One of my biggest inspirations, and one of my favorite places to look for rare translations or even to look for help on ones that I was stuck on, was Centigrade-J. They've translated so many songs that most people would never even think of, and they even fansubbed some popular videos like Gackt's appearances on Utaban. I learned so much from the translations there and even referred to them at times for projects of my own that weren't lyrical in nature. I still hope to create a site similar to it someday and host all my translations there, and take requests from people so that a much larger variety of English J-music lyrics will be available to the world.
Then, as some people know, America's first ever J-rock magazine, Purple Sky, came into existence. For some time while it was still very new I had the idea in my head that I should ask them if they had any need for another hired translator. Honestly, while I do plan to seek a career that will utilize my Japanese, nothing would be as enjoyable to me as translating for just such a magazine. After being BLOOD's translator for almost 3 years I've become quite familiar with the Japanese music world and its language; I guess you could say it's my specialty. As opposed to, say... electrical wiring language or technical automotive industry language. Other people have suggested that I translate for a manga or anime company in the states, but I'm not really into that stuff as much as I once was. But a J-rock magazine like Purple Sky would be the closest thing I could imagine to a dream job. The timing was perfect too, as I'm going to be in desperate need of employment within the next couple months and, honestly, probably should have secured something months ago. I don't know why I didn't ask sooner if Purple Sky wanted another translator. Probably because I knew the odds were high that I'd have to move to their base in New York. But maybe not?
Anyway. Then just last night, I found out that a couple of the guys who alreay work for Purple Sky just happen to the the very same guys who created and maintain the Centigrade-J website. So much for the one thing I've ever encountered that I'd consider calling a dream job. :P
I might still ask eventually, I guess. Apparently the Centigrade-J guys are so swamped with Purple Sky work that they've been forced to neglect the site a bit this year. Maybe they wouldn't mind having someone to take some of the load off their shoulders. I wouldn't mind commission pay for just an interview or two every month. But again, I don't know the legal workings behind payrolls and all that junk, so I don't know if I could get away with working for them without moving to NY...
Oh well. I guess after the first of the year I'll go put in an application at YSK like everyone says I should. Will be the first time in my adult life that I've ever done what everyone says I should. If I'd done that during college I never would've even become interested in Japanese language and culture, and would probably have no skills now other than drawing or maybe writing. What a disaster that would've been. I already knew by the time I started college that I didn't have the inspiration or creativity to pursue a career in those fields. Languages turned out to be the one thing I both love and excel in. If it wouldn't take me the rest of my life and take too much time and concentration away from my Japanese, I'd try to learn Chinese and Korean too, and probably a handful of other languages. They just fascinate me. All of them. Even English, in a sadistic sort of way. I blame the linguistics classes.
Another thing I've thought about recently is that I'd really like to start my own little fansubbing operation. Only problem with that? It takes a group of at least three or four people to have any kind of success in fansubbing, and at least two of those should specialize in the translation itself. As well as I understand most of the videos I watch, there are always some things that I just can't figure out, either because they talk too fast or because it's some local slang or pun that I'd never know without living in Japan for half my life. There's also the need for people to code the subtitle files themselves, and time them, and attach them to the video files... etc etc. I don't know anything about all that. And since fansubbing is not a paying job, it would probably not behoove me to dedicate the majority of my time and resources to learning it. It's hard enough to motivate myself to learn the HTML I would need to put together my lyric translations website. I've only been putting that off for 3 years. Oh well... we don't live in an ideal world, do we?
I guess that last rant was brought about because last night I started to watch Nobuta wo Produce, and I'm actually nervous about finishing it and afraid I won't like it solely because it has THE WORST fansub job I've ever seen. Whoever did it knows Japanese better than I do, I'll give them that, but gah... to be a good translator you need to be proficient not only in the language you translate from, but also to the language you translate TO. And for Bob's sake, if you can't manage halfway intelligent English, you shouldn't be fansubbing. Seriously - no capitalization, no punctuation, typos in every other line, and in some places the idiot even used CHATSPEAK. You do NOT use chatspeak in a fansub for one of the most highly rated dramas of the past 2 years. Or any video for that matter.
Now, allow me a self-righteous moment. I believe I would make a good fansubber because I have a good understanding, if not fluency, of both Japanese AND English. I have excellent grammar. I know how to spell. And while my experience is limited, at least it's enough that I've come to learn where there's a line between translating Japanese directly and taking some linguistic license to mold the language into something that makes sense to English speakers. All that's holding me back, as I said, is that I'm not a coder or a timer - only a translator, and admittedly not a very fluent one. And unfortunately, as this Nobuta wo Produce fansubber apparently never realized, it takes more than fluency to produce a good fansub.
...Well, that was an annoyingly long and primarily aimless rant. Now I guess I need to go back to debating whether or not to ride along with mom when she goes to pick up my nephew in about an hour. She's been doing this on an almost weekly basis for a good couple years now, but for some reason she still always tries to guilt trip me into riding along with her. Can't understand it. I prefer my long drives to be embarked upon alone, personally.
comment! (2)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 12/01/2006 01:44:00 PM
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wSunday, November 26, 2006 |
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feeling: hmm...
listening to: Miyavi - Senor, Senora, Senorita
I should try to get into the habit of posting again, I guess. Gonna be starting here as opposed to LJ because fewer people read this one. And remember my little shpiel about posting for myself, not for the world? I'm trying to keep that in mind, so don't be surprised if some weird rambles come out. I won't force you to comment or even read it. I'm just re-opening my brain's cyber landfill.
So what to say? Last week, the first half of it at least, sucked. Spent almost the entire time either sleep deprived or writhing in abdominal or cranial pain, or more commonly all of the above. There were other reasons too, but I forget what they were, so good riddance.
From Thursday onward things were better though. Of course Thursday was the once-a-year day of FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD, then Friday I went up to Kitty's for the weekend. But had to leave a whole day early to go to brass ensemble and choir practices this evening. Would much rather have stayed up north. -_- I'm first to admit I need the practice though, and since I'm too lazy to practice the trumpet at home Sunday evenings are my only chance to work toward a level slightly higher than suck. Seriously, it's sad when you can't even play a D on the scale anymore after just 5 minutes of playing. Certain personages in attendance didn't make the evening any better, either. Ugh. I'm glad I never became a music major.
Anyway, I've been keeping up my Japanese practice for the past few months in the most shameful cop-out way possible: immersion in J-music and J-drama. Remember when I mentioned how I got into Arashi thanks to Matsumoto Jun's performance in Kimi wa Petto? Heh... well, as it turns out, Arashi has been hosting several of their own variety TV program series from 2001 up through the present. Remarkably, nearly every single episode from ALL of those series is available one way or another on the internet. And I don't know how much more of them my 80 gig hard drive can take. *cough*
Seriously, they're great Japanese practice, though. It helps that Japanese variety shows have a habit of displaying a large percentage of the people's dialogs as captions. So hey, I get reading practice too. It's just a bonus that they happen to be effing hilarious, and in some cases even adorable.
I still don't like much of their music. Only their TV shows and acting skills. Yay, I'm not a fangirl!
Anyway. Speaking of... that sort of thing, my most recently watched J-drama is Summer Snow. And... my God. I couldn't decide whether to be outraged or depressed after finishing that one. The series was excellent, the characters draw you in extremely well, and it honestly had some of the best acting I've ever seen, especially by Dohmoto Tsuyoshi and Oguri Shun. And I guess the ending was highly effective in that I sat there on pins and needles pulling my hair out through the entire final episode because I KNEW something was wrong but couldn't confirm WHAT. Or was denying it, more specifically. But most of all there was one major element in the story that essentially caused the ending to happen the way it did, but in itself it made no sense at all to me. Not gonna go into that at the risk of spoiling, but it ticked me off. >> The series was excellent, though. I'm currently in rewatch status while I wait for my next series, Nobuta wo Produce, to download.
Wow, I rambled on longer than I expected. Could go on even longer on the J-entertainment topics too, but I suppose I'd better quit before I get carried away. Don't want to rush things when I just got back into this habit again. Shock to the system and all that. Maybe over the next few posts I can do sporadic drama/movie/show reviews or something, just to have some nice neutral topics to rant about until I can motivate myself to create meaningful posts again. We'll see.
comment! (5)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 11/26/2006 10:40:00 PM
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wFriday, November 24, 2006 |
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feeling: dead
listening to: Vidoll - Kimi o Nosete
There are a couple things I've been thinking about for some time but never felt like actually talking about. Not even anything deeply emotional or whatever, but just musings. So I can't really explain why I never posted it up to now. Other than to say that I just have not felt up to doing anything that requires using my brain, which includes formulating coherent journal posts. Hence the lack of content here for the past few millenia. But I figured I'd go ahead and attempt something now, maybe in an attempt to explain myself or prepare anyone who still reads this for what may come or something.
When I get into my worst funks, as some have probably noticed, I often consider abandoning my journals (won't go into the reasons; that's another rant in itself). Much like I did a couple months ago until now. Sometimes I plan to write some sort of melodramatic woe-is-me farewell post before doing so, and other times I plan on just quietly disappearing without warning. Again, not going to go into the reasons behind those two methods just yet. Doesn't matter anyway; obviously I've never actually gone through with it.
But why is that? Because I made these journals for me, not for others. Particularly my LJ and my main blog, which are my two most public and most updated ones. I created them with the intention of using them as exactly what they are - personal journals. Just with a few adjustments to keep certain tidbits away from public view or, conversely, to occasionally add something specifially for someone that I know is reading it. Otherwise, they're my diaries. Storehouses for my own thoughts and memories. Or so they were intended to be.
I know this probably sounds pointless or even obvious, but it's something I had to think about. I guess I forgot somewhere along the way what my own journals were for, and started to throw pity parties for myself or stop posting out of spite when people didn't comment and didn't seem to care and etc. I'm not crying for attention by saying this now. Like I said, it's just musing. The point is that I made these journals for me, not for the world. They're designed to be a home for my thoughts, not letters to and from everyone else. That's what emails and IMs and *gasp* direct conversations are for. I don't mean for that to sound selfish, and of course, I do sort of tailor my entries into something that I figure my friends will find interesting. And in the case of this LJ, that "friends list" thing exists for a reason, right? Though personally I use mine more to keep up with my friends and read their entries. It's their choice whether they want to keep up with me; ideally I just post when I post and leave it at that.
So, that being said, why haven't I been updating for so long? At first it was because I was under the assumption that nobody really cared so it didn't matter. Then it was because I just generally wanted to disappear and not be noticed anymore. Then I was forced to remember that these are my own journals and I should be writing them for me, so it shouldn't matter whether anyone else reads them. Yet still I never update. Reason for this can be found in the first paragraph - I simply haven't felt like it. I can't seem to conjure up the brain power to write a post that isn't gibberish. And it's not like anything ever happens to me that's worth remembering, anyway. I woke up, I sat at the computer screwing around, I ate, I went to bed, lather, rinse, repeat. What's so great about that? I still write about the important stuff, such as major trips and loved ones dying, and in the past I would write whenever some great philosophical rant popped into my head or I found something particularly amusing... etc etc. Obviously that doesn't happen anymore, or when it does I can't get it to make sense outside of my own mind. So whatever.
Therefore, I reached the conclusion that if I ever do finally decide to stop updating my main journals, I'm not going to post a big dramatic goodbye or anything. At the most I may put up a little notice to declare it closed, but most likely I'll just quietly fade away so nobody will really notice. I thought I'd do that a couple months ago, but wouldyalookatthat - here I am submitting a new post.
See? Told you I don't have it in me anymore to post anything coherent. I'm betting none of this makes any sense, and if it does, people are wondering what possessed me to blather on about it like this after being silent for so long. But whatever. This journal is for my thoughts, and that's what these are. Endless loop though it may be.
I suppose this post could be taken in a few different ways. I can see people interpreting this as a long-winded "goodbye forever" post or a "hey hey, I'm back baby" post. I don't really know which one will prove true either. If I do start posting regularly again it will be because I finally accepted that these journals are for me, not for the world, and that it doesn't matter whether others read and like it or not. And if anyone doesn't want to read it, they can quite simply ignore it or in the case of LJ, remove me from their friend lists and be free of me. I'll work on convincing myself of that for the sake of few people that I know actually do care, but right now I can make no promises.
And that's all. I'm tired, so I'm going to go watch another J-drama until I'm ready to attempt sleep.
comment! (0)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 11/24/2006 01:55:00 AM
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wFriday, October 27, 2006 |
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feeling: amused
listening to: Bice - Moody Ark
Anyone up for the most random dippy pointless post ever? Too bad, cause I'm posting it anyway.
I have a little froggy. He's about 1 1/2 inches long and stands about an inch tall. I put the froggy in front of Strife's tank. Strife LOVES the froggy. So I decided to do an experiment, and put the froggy in front of Magnus' tank. Magnus... ran away from the froggy.
I also have a little piggy. It's about 1/3 the size of the froggy. The froggy can wear the piggy as a hat. I put the piggy in front of Strife's tank, thinking maybe he'd love it like he loved the froggy. Strife did not like the piggy. So I put the piggy in front of Magnus' tank. Magnus LOVES the piggy.
How adorable is this?
Ok, 3rd grade paragraph structures aside... I'm not sure why I decided to test these two tiny little toys with my fish, but it amuses me to no end that one prefers the frog and the other prefers the pig. Strife especially amuses me because normally he's easily startled by pretty much everything and takes off running (so to speak) from anything that comes near his tank. But he chased that little froggy all over the place and never shied away from it once. Magnus, on the other hand, is a little spazball and fears nothing... but he wouldn't go near the frog. But the pig? He WENT CRAZY chasing after that pig. I set it on the lid of his tank and he even jumped up to bite at its leg.
I am thoroughly amused. Bettas are awesome.
Anyway... my past few days have been occupied playing with my DVD burner. Haven't actually burned any DVDs yet, though. My first project involves putting Kimi wa Petto on viewable video DVDs and, because I'm a dork, I decided to make fully customized menus for each disc in the series (and any other ones I burn in the future). Backgrounds, music, animated buttons, the works. I'm finally done designing disc 1 after working on it since Monday night, and can easily reuse the templates I made for it when I design the next 4 discs, but I'm putting off burning anything simply because I have a feeling this laggy computer will crash during the process if I do and I'll have wasted a DVD. And I really don't want to waste these DVDs, because dad accidentally bought an expensive LightScribe enabled kind that cost almost $30 for a spindle of 30 (while 50 regular discs would've cost $10), and thus I hate to let any of them go to waste. But eventually they WILL be used. And if this computer eats any of them, I will surely whack it to death with a heavy blunt object of some kind.
So there we have it. I'm getting kind of tired, so I'll go away now.
comment! (4)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 10/27/2006 12:54:00 AM
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wSunday, October 22, 2006 |
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feeling: grr
listening to: Gilgamesh - Rei -Zero- (yes, le gasp, I said Gilgamesh and not Girugamesh. How DARE I spell the name right when even the band couldn't. I'm such a rebel.)
I have noticed that I experience a lot more bitterness on Sundays than any other time. Not sure if it's because I'm always sleep deprived on Sundays or what, but especially for the past few weeks, I've spent my Sundays recalling certain bumpy spots in my past and how they helped shape the worthless lifeform I am today. Two particular people seem to be common targets when these moods strike. Two people who taught me a long time ago that, in general, trusting others is foolhardy and trying to mend a friendship wounded by petty squabbles is a waste of time. I don't really know anymore why I ever bothered with them. Desperation, I guess.
I'm not blaming these people for my own problems, by the way. But they certainly never considered it worth their time to make me see things any better. They did contribute to the loathsome thing I am today, but letting them win was my own doing. As was closing the door on any helpful influences that came after. Sometimes I think it's unfair that they're both happy and successful now in their own lives after they spent years warping and destroying mine, but whatever. If I could've bothered to care a couple years ago when it really counted, I'd be successful now too. Maybe even sort of happy. So there's only me to blame.
Welcome to my Sundays.
This isn't depression or anything. These days just make me want to go on the warpath and take no prisoners. It's a good thing I never really see the two aforementioned ex-friends anymore, especially on Sundays, because they might be quite bruised and baffled right now if they'd crossed my path in this state. Ok, probably not. I'm too flabby and weak to physically harm anyone. But they'd have gotten some nice soul-burning glares and an earful or two or ten.
I want to watch some Kimi wa Petto to possibly soften this mood, but VLC player is being an idiot for no apparent reason. And I'm not even going to attempt opening RealPlayer after all the lagging and crashing this computer has done all weekend. Oh well... I might finally be getting some blank DVDs tomorrow so I can start clearing some disk space. Not sure if that will help or not, but at least it'll let me increase my media collection again. Which temporarily increases morale, if nothing else.
I could use some chocolate as well.
Anyway, I'm going to shut up and return to the shadows now.
comment! (2)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 10/22/2006 09:38:00 PM
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wSunday, September 17, 2006 |
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feeling: empty
listening to: nothing
I guess you could say there are some things I've had whirling around in my mind for a couple weeks or so now, but haven't posted about them yet for various reasons. I thought maybe if I opened this window and stared at the text box long enough, something would come out. But of course, it doesn't work. Everything is right there waiting to pour out of my mind through my fingertips, but all I end up typing is pointless gibberish like this. I don't know if I'm really that big a mess or if I really just don't have the heart to care anymore about what happens to me. Which I guess could be a good thing. Means I don't have to worry about things building up until I they get to me so much I have to either rant it out or break down inside, and either way no one has to put up with my whining.
I'm just... empty. At this point I think I could experience either the greatest or the most painful things in the world, and probably wouldn't even know the difference. Actually, I did have a taste of each of those extremes in the past month and a half, so yeah... guess that's why I say so. Look where it leaves me after the hype dies down, after all. I'm just here. It's all I was ever meant to be.
But that's not really what I came here intending to write about. I can't even begin to put those thoughts together in my head right now. Not even sure what made me think I could. I know at least part of it was some random musing about the purpose of my journal(s)... the rest was various observations about myself and where time has led me and crap... but oh well. Suppose none of it is really all that important.
Anyway, on to less mundane topics. Whatever regular readers I have may recall Phoenix, the betta I've had since less than a year after I started this blog. He finally died the other day, just two months short of completing his fourth year living with me. The little trooper put up with a lot from me in those four years, including all the best and worst times of my life... not to mention a lot of physical woes of his own in his first year or so. I'm actually sort of honored that he died of old age and not some debilitating disease like I always expected he would. Feels pretty empty in here without him around to help me dance like a dork and throw tantrums and cuss things out. I'm sure from his little box of water he never fully understood my reasons for doing those things, but that never stopped him from joining the party when he was healthy and fit enough.
So I guess that's all. Would say don't be surprised if I don't post here much anymore, but I think by now that goes without saying. All of my journals have been severely neglected lately. Even the private ones. I just have no desire to put new posts together, no matter what good or bad comes my way. But as I'm sure my readers are aware, that's really for the best.
comment! (1)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 9/17/2006 02:01:00 AM
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wTuesday, September 05, 2006 |
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feeling: groggy
listening to: Saint Seiya - Pegasus Fantasy
Ok, time for something less depressing. Sort of. Generally.
So we experienced a brownout last night for a few hours. Ugh, I hate those. They're creepy... the lights and displays go all dim and shadowy... almost prefer a complete blackout, except then I wouldn't have TV to keep me busy in the absence of computers. Which would really suck at 3am when there's no natural light to read or write or draw by. Anyway, then something woke me up a couple hours later and the power was out completely. Only knew what time it was because I heard dad leave for work, which typically happens around 6:15am. Not sure how I managed to get back to sleep...
Then, yeah. I haven't even been up for 2 hours and this day has been... special. First came the insane dreams, which I'd write out if I weren't feeling so lazy. Then, I dunno... something must've put me in a heck of a mood, because I slugged around for a while recalling bad memories and seeing all these hurtful scenarios in my head. Then I watched the new videos on the TR Myspace and suddenly I was back to a nice neutral bored-but-amused state. >>
And just for the sake of mentioning it, how about all this Crocodile Hunter business? Impaled through the heart by a 220-pound stingray... what a way to go. From the report on the documentary footage he had been shooting at the time, police say he didn't do anything to provoke it... the thing just lashed out for some reason. Startled by the camera, maybe. But ouch, talk about your freak accidents. Feel bad for his wife and two little kids, though. At least he died doing what he loved, I guess.
Anyway, as I promised, no more depressing stuff in this post. Now prepare for a fangirly rant. See, I have a new addiction. >.>;
A couple weeks or so ago, I suddenly remembered that I had the first 13 episodes of the Taiwanese Marmalade Boy drama on my computer, so I started to watch it. Finished it sometime in the few days after Grandma passed away. But somewhere in that meantime I also remembered that I had a torrent file stashed away somewhere for the J-drama Kimi wa Petto. Of course by then it was at least a year old and the torrent was no longer active. So I tracked down another one, downloaded the series, and watched it.
GOOD GOD, that series is CRACK. I couldn't put it away. Watched it twice through before finally deciding to move on to a new drama. >> I'll get back to that...
Anyway, Kimi wa Petto. I had heard about this one, and from the title (You Are My Pet) was expecting either something really hentai or something just plain stupid. What I saw was the most adorable-in-a-twisted-way thing I have ever laid eyes on. Every single episode had moments that just made me giggle like a dork for... like, ever. It's about a lonely working woman who, through bizarre circumstance, adopts a young man and actually keeps him as one would a dog. See why I half-expected something hentai? >> Anyway, I later read reviews of the series by other J-drama fans, and the most common remark was that, while it was charming, it was very unrealistic and even outrageous. Now, maybe I'm weird... but I didn't find the idea too far-fetched at all. The story was exaggerated, of course, but the concept itself wasn't so foreign to me. But then I suppose I'm weird for being able to relate easily to both of the lead characters. >>
But... ok, I admit it. The real reason I got hooked on this drama was Matsumoto Jun, the actor who plays the "pet" character. He's so adorable in this series it isn't funny. Actually it is, but you get the idea. I had heard of him before but never taken much interest, until I watched Kimi wa Petto. From the first episode I was obsessed. >> But come on... one moment he's lying on his back wagging his limbs in the air like a puppy, then he's holding his "master" while she breaks down crying in his arms, and then he's practicing his modern dance routine by a riverside under the stars. Who wouldn't want a pet like that? Deny it, I dare you. :p
Therefore, of course, my latest addiction is Matsumoto Jun. Upon finishing Kimi wa Petto I started seeking out other dramas he starred in, and was immediately directed to Gokusen, which many have acclaimed as his best work. Talk about swinging to the opposite end of the spectrum from Kimi wa Petto, though. In Gokusen he's a moody 18-year-old delinquent acting as the ringleader of a class full of troublemakers. Pulls it off remarkably well too, proving just how versatile he can be. I've watched 8 episodes of it now, so in the interims between episode downloads I've been killing time surfing Youtube for random videos of Arashi, the band Jun is part of. The problem? Arashi is a boyband, and their music is NOT the type I normally like at all. *teh shame* But to be honest, I haven't even listened to any of their songs yet. >__> Only watched half a PV and a bunch of random clips from their variety shows and such. You know what? They're dorks. That's all that matters. :P Jun even reminds me of Miyavi in some way that I can't really pinpoint. >>
So, yes. I'm on a Matsujun kick. What can I say, his performance in Kimi wa Petto managed to put me in something resembling a good mood in the days/weeks after Grandma died. And I also found out that he has a starring role in the relatively new Hana Yori Dango drama, which I was interested in already, so naturally I'll be looking to acquire that as soon as Gokusen is done. >> My BitTorrent client is also working on Pride and GTO at the moment... planning to get Summer Snow soon too... but they can wait. Matsujun dramas take priority. *brick*
Ok, I'm done being fangirly for now.
comment! (2)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 9/05/2006 01:52:00 PM
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wWednesday, August 30, 2006 |
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feeling: so tired...
listening to: nothing
"I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race. I have kept the faith."
If Grandma had had the strength to put together any words in her final moments of life this past Saturday, these may very well have been the ones.
She was in pain for years. Even decades. I think they said she first got sick around 1967, and between that and the sorely outdated treatments they gave her for it (namely pumping her full of steroids), her system just went steadily downhill from there. For as long as any of us ever knew her, there was always something giving her physical grief. I couldn't even count all the ailments and complications to be found in her medical history.
Yet despite all that, somehow she managed to be the strong and steadfast central pillar of her entire extended family. She would do anything in her power to help anyone who came to her, from close family to rare acquaintance to total stranger off the street. But most of all she absolutely lived for her family. Many of the literally hundreds of blankets and rugs and other things she crocheted/knitted/sewed in her lifetime went to her kids and grandkids; some of us grandkids even still sleep with blankets she made for us as tiny children (or did until they literally fell apart). For as long as any of us can remember, every summer she had a regular supply of fresh vegetables from her garden for all her sons' families - bags and bags at a time. And oh, the holiday dinners - you have never seen so much food in your life as you'd see at the feasts our Grandma would cook for the annual Christmas Eve party. The cookies themselves could fill a pickup truck, and believe me, not a single one ever went to waste. When we all got together for dinners and holidays and just random barbecues and had some of the best times of our lives... it was for her. When someone needed to just get away and be among company that made them feel loved and content, they went to her. If there was one person we wanted to please and to make proud of us, it was her. If any of us five grandkids has turned out to be even somewhat decent in this life, it was largely because of her. If not through her direct influence, then by the way she raised her own sons and placed so much value on all of her family.
It goes without saying that the death of a dearly loved one always brings back so many memories. That's what the entire Cottrill clan has spent the past 5 days collectively doing. My own are fewer than most of theirs since I didn't live as close to her as the younger grandkids, and more general than specific, but they all go back to when we lived in that trailer in her backyard until I turned six. My favorite activities in the world as a kid were helping Grandma collect eggs from the chicken pen, walk and feed her dogs, cook and bake, work in her gardens, can/shell/prepare various vegetables... helping Grandma with anything and everything was each grandchild's little treat every day. That and, in my case and my brother's, sneaking across the yard to her house on warm days for fudgesicles. Or just sitting quietly at the table, on the living room floor, or in her lap, playing with toys or reading books or doodling or working on little craft things, all of which she kept in endless stores for us. If we were especially lucky and she felt well enough, she would play piano or sing for us. And I could never count all the memories stored up from times spent at her house with the rest of the family, at various get-togethers and parties... exploring the abandoned gravel pit by the house, running through the rows of cornstalks in her little corn field, playing all over the property with my younger cousins, walking around the perimeter and counting the pine trees lining three of the four edges of the lot... they were all just tiny little things I could tap the tops of when I was barely out of diapers, and now they're some of the tallest pine trees I've seen.
Then, somewhere down the line, we all grew up. My family moved about a 15 minute drive away, so visits were less frequent. And then that demon spawn cousin of ours showed up on her doorstep from Arizona. I won't go into all the horror stories of what happened since her arrival... but suffice to say that the little brat was spoiled rotten beyond salvation within a year, and spent the next seven years after coming here sending Grandma to an early grave, wearing her out and taking advantage of her at every chance she got. Yet Grandma lived for that child just as she had lived for everyone else in her family, and she never gave up. She fought the hard fight. She grew discouraged at times, but she never gave in, never stopped providing for her extended family at every possible opportunity, and never stopped loving. She was a part of everything in all of our lives, and everything we did as a family still revolved around her. She was right at the center of everything, even after her condition had deteriorated to where she couldn't even migrate between rooms in her home anymore. But that didn't stop her from being a part of every activity and conversation. That woman's ears and mind were sharp as an ax - no matter how busy and crowded that house would get, no matter how many rooms away, she could pick up and join in on any conversation she pleased within her house.
The last really great memory I have of Grandma was in May of last year, when she managed to come to Erin's graduation party. No one really expected this, since it was outdoors, hot, and humid, and she could already barely breathe even in air conditioning with her oxygen hooked up... but she actually degraded herself to being carted along in a wheelchair just so she could participate. And when Erin unwrapped a gift from someone that was a colorfully painted screwdriver thing (with various other attachments and stuff but the main bit of it was a screwdriver), Grandma's whispered comment was "Now all you need is a good screw." Our eyes went wide as saucers while she sat there laughing the jolliest laugh and grinning the silliest grin that I had seen from her in years... and would never see again. The good memories didn't stop there, of course, but that was the last really great one that will always stick in my memory. It was the last time I saw her laugh and smile like that since her turn for the worse had begun.
By that time, though, we all knew that she was already in the last few years of her life. Her downhill descent had sped up drastically over the previous year or two and would continue to do so. Every time she was kept in the hospital again, it would cross all of our minds that this could very well be the time when she wouldn't come home. But we never imagined that this last weekend would be that time.
They only wanted to keep her overnight to do tests. Nobody even told me she had been taken to the hospital; I had only happened to overhear it when my mom told my brother that she had fainted as a result of one of her many illnesses flaring up, and they wanted to keep her for tests. Then out of nowhere Dad woke me up the next morning and told me she had died. We knew it was serious, of course... especially when my dad called her that evening and she was so worn out, she didn't even want to talk. That woman NEVER turned down a chance to talk with a member of her family. She lived for those moments. But that night, she just wanted to go home. The next morning... she did. But not to the same one Grandpa returned to.
While we knew the fainting spell had indicated another turn for the worse, nobody could've expected this. She had been hospitalized for far worse complications and far harsher tests/treatments several times over the past few years. Among them were pneumonia and a heart catheterization - and she couldn't handle anesthesia well at all. If she survived those, what could've been different this time? Grandpa is convinced that the hospital staff killed her. By not letting her take her medicine for a whole 2 days and then letting her shock her system by suddenly taking them again that morning. By wheeling her off to do tests that she was sure she didn't need, in places that weren't bothering her at all. They brought her back from those tests, moved her back into her bed... and then she took one last gasp, and was gone. They fought to bring her back, but she had already finished her race. Her fight was over. They let her go, and Grandpa walked out the door... utterly infuriated. They asked him where he was going in such a hurry, and his response was "What do you care? You already took everything I had." He has since refused to talk to the doctors to find out exactly what happened, and what was the final straw that broke her back for the last time. We may just have to accept that she had finally used the last of her strength, and just couldn't fight anymore.
The following few days were painful, but I think everyone in the family drew a lot of strength from one another. Some of our elder relatives came to spend time with her family too... ones we only ever meet with at funerals. And good old Aunt Rador, her talk-your-ear-off cousin from Nawth Carolaahna, hunny chaahld. It sort of hurt to think that, knowing how much Grandma treasured her family and wanted nothing more than to spend time with us, it took her death to get us to visit her house and spend time with each other the way we have this week.
Yesterday we went to the funeral home for calling hours, and I was one of the first to see her. I want to say she didn't even look like herself, even though she did (only because the folks who prepared her did a very nice job), but the biggest difference was that she looked... peaceful. So still, and at rest. No IV needles, no coughing, no involuntary quivering, no labored breathing... no pain. For the first time in nearly 40 of her 70 years in this life, she was at peace.
The viewing and the funeral itself were, of course, intensely depressing. I could have gone off to sit in one of the nice comfy sofas or armchairs instead of being on my feet for hours meeting people I'd never seen before and being bombarded with hugs and sympathies from the ones I did know. But instead I stayed with my parents right at the front of the room for as much of our time there as I could. I'm not normally the type to want a lot of sympathy and pity from people... but I had never experienced a loss this heavy before, either. I guess I needed the strength that these friends and relatives and strangers were constantly offering with their handshakes and hugs and reminiscent chats. But the one thing that hurt the most, especially during the viewing, was seeing all these people filling the hall, buzzing with activity and conversation... and Grandma wasn't part of it. Mom commented that the woman could've happily sat and conversed for an hour with each and every one of them; that pretty much sums it up. In any other situation she would've been drifting around talking to everyone she could find, whether she knew them personally or not... but for all those hours, and through all that activity and chatter... she just lay there, silent and still. It was hard not to just walk over and tap her on the shoulder and tell her to wake up - all these people were here to see her and she was missing the party.
The funeral itself was this morning, and it was much shorter, but of course even more emotional. Even I had to admit that the pastor gave an absolutely beautiful speech for her; he even mentioned those tons of cookies she would bake every Christmas. I had really been wanting to wear the black long-sleeved top that she had made for me a couple years ago, meant for part of a costume but quite lovely and perfectly acceptable to wear on normal occasions, but since I was expecting the usual 90-degree midday heat and pounding sun, I went with a little white sleeveless top instead. Grandma wouldn't want me to be hot and sticky. Had I known that the day would actually be so overcast and downright cool, and that I would stand around shivering most of the time, I would've worn that black top. I will forever hold a grudge against this despicable Ohio weather for depriving me of that. It would've made her so happy to see how much I adore that top and how proud I am to wear it when I can.
It's all pretty much over now. My part, anyway. Of course the task of cleaning things up and settling Grandma's affairs will very likely take a year, if not more. But just because the funeral is over doesn't mean life will go back to normal now. Nothing will ever be the same again. There will always be a vast emptiness in all of our lives where she used to be... a huge void in the room where she used to sit, in the middle of all the activity, during our family get-togethers. I'll never even get another chance to eat one of my favorite childhood snacks, butter and lettuce sandwiches made with fresh lettuce from her garden, because Grandpa is going to abandon the gardens now and I've never found anyone else who grows that kind of lettuce. I don't know what kind it was, but of course, no store-bought head can even begin to compare. Sounds like a strange thing to mourn over, but it's just another of the many simple yet beloved things that have been present in my life since I was a child, thanks to Grandma, but will never see again.
She certainly left her legacy, though. The huge turnout at the funeral home was another testament to just how many lives she touched during her brief stay in this world, and all the laughter and tears another testament to how much of herself she had left behind in so many hearts. As one of her sisters told me in the midst of tears after the service, "We just lost the best friend any of us ever had." No one was so loving and eager to do anything possible for her family as she was. But no matter where we go, no matter how different and empty our lives will be from now on... there'll always be a little bit of Grandma still alive in all of us.
Ok... I'm done. Haven't felt up to talking about stuff too much since Grandma passed away, but now that the funeral and things are over and healing can begin, I figured it was an ideal time. It was a major blow for everyone, but I'll be ok sooner or later, I imagine. And I promise I'll push this depressing stuff down out of sight with a more general standard rambly post before too much longer.
Goodnight, Grandma. Rest well.
comment! (1)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 8/30/2006 05:10:00 PM
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wTuesday, August 22, 2006 |
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feeling: la la...
listening to: Marmalade Boy drama OP - Wen Shi De Hua
Up to episode 7. >> This song is the devil...
These wasabi noodles Miwa gave me during the tour are really good. o.o I always shied away from wasabi before since I knew it was so spicy and my mutilated stomach doesn't handle spicy stuff well, but these... like, it's spicy on the tongue for a couple of seconds, and then it just fades away and by the time it slides down the throat it's not spicy at all. And since these little dried soba noodles are all healthy and non-filling and stuff, I can snack on them all evening with no guilt. >> I don't know why, but I've been constantly hungry for the past week or so... making up for lost time, maybe. And lost pounds. >> Stupid metabolism.
Anyway... still have that annoying urge to DO stuff ever since I came back from the tour. Good thing, I suppose, but on the other hand I can never figure out what exactly to do. BLOOD translations only keep me busy for a few minutes a day (when Kiwamu doesn't go crazy and post freakin' novels :p), and I'm stumped on all the other side projects I've attempted. So today I decided to go back and review my written Japanese textbooks again, starting from the very beginning of the kanji lessons. Because I know I've forgotten how to write literally hundreds of kanji after not writing them at all for a couple years; I could write about 500 when I graduated, and I can still read most of them, but writing is another story. So hopefully I'll be able to keep that up over the next few days/weeks, commit all those kanji to my memory again, and then start picking up some new ones from my regular online translations and whatnot. Have also been playing with my spoken language software for the past month or so now. Darn it, by the next time BLOOD comes here I'm gonna be a better translator and not stutter and stumble and choke so much when I'm trying to help them. >>;
Also... acting on my recent urges to create "real" graphics, I've tried a few times to download Photoshop 7 (shhhhh ¬_¬), but I can never get it to work. All the torrents I've found for it have been in .rar format, and when I extract them, I get just a few files and the only one I can recognize is a .txt containing a serial number. All the rest have these crazy extensions that I can't even recognize, and my computer doesn't know how to open them. I'm sure these torrents are all full versions and everything, since the filesizes match and all... I just have no idea what to do with them once extracted. Maybe they're not even extracting right. Guess I'll keep trying... maybe try a Photoshop 9 torrent... brushes that were made for versions 6 and 7 would still work in 9, right? *ditz* [EDIT: never mind... YAY, I have Photoshop 7 at last! and of course, along with it came ImageReady... >:D]
My main motivation for this is that I want to make Winamp skins that actually have decent graphics. Yeah, I know... massive and tedious undertaking. But there aren't enough cool skins out there for me in the fandoms that I frequent and I've been wanting to change that for a very long time.
And I can't think of anything else... aaaa wasabi soba tte umai naa...
comment! (1)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 8/22/2006 07:44:00 PM
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wTuesday, August 15, 2006 |
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feeling: hmmm...
listening to: Flashdance - Maniac
Going to see BLOOD always gives me a renewed interest in them and desire to work my butt off for them in any way possible. Last week's tour was no exception. Since I came home Friday night I've been utterly BLOOD-obsessed. Unfortunately I wasn't able to take any pictures to amuse myself with later, except just a few little crappy ones taken with my cell phone... so feeding the urge has been a challenge. Mostly the best I can do is listen to every BLOOD song I have while rereading my not-for-the-public report, or chatting with other fans, or watching my BLOOD videos and DVDs, or at best, translating any new blogs they post when I'm not looking. Or when I am, for that matter.
Most specifically, this tour ended up reinforcing my infatuation with Kaede. >>; Which is why I've just spent some time browsing through all of his blog entries, both English and Japanese, posted since last November. Not as obsessive as it sounds, believe it or not. ¬_¬ He doesn't post that often, and when he does it's usually only a couple lines. But anyway, in my browsing I found his post from several months ago about the song Maniac from Flashdance, and it got stuck in my head, hence the "listening to" above. >>;
Hopefully in the coming days I'll receive the one picture taken with Roger's camera that I'm quite sure will become the only photo in the world with me in it that I would happily and obsessively show off to the world as if it were my own child... not that I would ever have a child, but you get the concept, right?
So, yes. The trip was a great time. Just wanted to request that you'll all pardon me if I revert to my BLOOD fangirl habits for a while. Heck, why am I even saying "if"? I HAVE reverted. Honestly, an official band staff member shouldn't be this fangirly. 9_9 Darn you, Kaede... you and your nuggets...
But I also found out during the tour that he is a Snoopy fan like me. :D And Canary is one of his favorite BLOOD songs too... <3
comment! (1)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 8/15/2006 06:34:00 PM
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wFriday, August 04, 2006 |
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feeling: sort of stiff
listening to: Ragnarok Online - Theme of Payon
The game is down again, so I listen to the BGMs in Winamp because I'm a dork...
So yeah. I haven't been posting here or anywhere for a long time. Not much to talk about, really. I think I'm only posting this now because I sort of had an inexplicable urge to write, but not enough mental energy to put it into anything creative. As in narrative or whatnot.
Unfortunately for my urge, as I said, I don't really have much worth talking about. The only actual occurrence of particular significance that I could really ramble about here is that I'll be leaving on Tuesday to follow BLOOD's American tour. All two shows of it. I know I should go to town and pick up some things before I leave but I don't know if it'll actually get done. I hate shopping.
Need to figure out what to pack and stuff too. Already this thing has been sneaking up on me faster and faster, and before I knew it my departure date was only 4 days away. So packing and preparations are beginning to demand attention...
I don't sound too excited, do I? Especially compared to the big Mexico excursion last year. Probably because this time I'll be traveling alone, and nothing is quite as cool when you're only surrounded by strangers, or rare acquaintances at best. And because certain personages responsible for doing all the booking and arrangements have been annoyingly elusive with vital details. *ahem* I really am looking forward to it though. I know everything will work out ok, and it'll be fun to see the guys again. I'll get to hang around with them more too since I'm going as a full-fledged staff member this time. And of course the concerts promise to be excellent as always. A few things worry me of course, but all major trips entail some of that.
Anyway... wish I could do something more with this random writing urge... I actually have some little ideas I could put into some sort of narrative, but there are more roadblocks than I feel like stepping around. Like the fact that I can't decide on a vehicle (adapt them to a fandom? use original characters? apply them to a work in progress or start something new? etc...) and that the shapes they tend to take in my head are things that have already been done in stories I've read before. Did have the idea to work on my Raelin story again, which I barely started and haven't touched in 3 years... but for some reason that doesn't happen either. I think I've lost some of my writing prowess over the past 2 years since graduating. Guess one good thing about being a student was that it kept the mind active. Exhausted, but active, and constantly making use of its stockpiled creativity and logic and vocabulary. Not to mention the food... I would seriously go back to OSU just to be around the food every day...
Huh, I have more tangents in me tonight than I thought.
So yeah... sorry I can't provide any good explanation as to where I've been for the past month, other than locked up here in my own head where I belong. But at least anyone who still visits here will know where I'll be for the next week or so. The weeks after that, however, I can as of yet offer no excuses for. We'll just have to see...
Well, I'm kind of tired, so I guess I'll try to go to bed or something.
comment! (4)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 8/04/2006 03:59:00 AM
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wWednesday, July 05, 2006 |
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feeling: tired...
listening to: nothing
Here, have another dose of survey. Longer one this time... sorry.
Basics
Your gender: female... lucky me
Straight/Gay/Bi: no
Single?: yes
If not, do you want to be?: ...
Birthdate: June 23
Your age: 24
Age you act: I can act 8 or 80... depends where I am
Age you wish you were: 22 was a good year I guess
Your height: 5'4" or something
Eye color: some mix of blue, green, and grey
Happy with it?: *shrug*
Hair color: brown
Happy with it?: doesn't much matter to me
Lefty/righty/ambidextrous: righty
Your living arrangement: at home with parents
Your family: dad, mom, older brother
Have any pets?: cat and 3 fish
What's your job?: no job, I'm a leech
Piercings?: one per ear
Tattoos?: no thanks
Obsessions?: you tell me
Addictions?: see above?
Do you speak another language?: some Japanese
Have a favorite quote?: several... don't ask me to pick one
Do you have a webpage?: not a real one
--
Deep Thoughts About Life
Do you live in the moment?: is there anywhere else to live?
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?: in theory yes
Do you have any secrets?: I don't know, probably
Do you hate yourself?: indeed
Do you like your handwriting?: it's fine with me... could be neater
Do you have any bad habits?: plenty of them
What is the compliment you get from most people?: that I'm so quiet they didn't even know I was there
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?: it wouldn't happen... and if it did, it would be a sign that the world's movie industry has already died a gruesome death
What's your biggest fear?: no point in fearing... life's going to happen whether I want it to or not
Can you sing?: when I want to, but not that well
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?: no
Are you a loner?: yes
What are your top priorities in life?: staying out of the way... and I'm usually quite good at it
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: I sincerely doubt it
Are you a daredevil?: no
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?: fear no, hate yes
Are you passive or agressive?: passive... and it has been and will be the death of me
Do you have a journal?: a million online ones, of which I actively use about 3
What is your greatest strength and weakness?: I can keep my mouth shut... that one sort of works both ways
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?: *shrug* can't imagine myself any other way anymore
Do you think you are emotionally strong?: *snort* anything but
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?: sure... I invariably screw up everything I touch
Do you think life has been good so far?: compared to some, I suppose... but I wouldn't wish this life on anyone either
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?: that everyone loves a martyr
What do you like the most about your body?: well... all my limbs and senses are mostly functional?
And least?: everything
Do you think you are good looking?: not by a long shot
Are you confident?: no
What is the fictional character you are most like?: my own RO character, Raelin... just wish I could actually get around to finishing her story
Are you perceived wrongly?: I don't know... few people ever really tell me how they perceive me... I'm just here
--
Do You...
Smoke?: no
Do drugs?: no
Read the newspaper?: no
Pray?: yes
Go to church?: yes
Talk to strangers who IM you?: not anymore
Take walks in the rain?: not when I can avoid it
Talk to people even though you hate them?: I've found ways to get around it
Drive?: yes
--
Would or Have You Ever?
Liked your voice?: no... it sounds gross to me and it seems to have a constant throat-frog so people can never hear me
Hurt yourself?: not intentionally
Been out of the country?: once
Eaten something that made other people sick?: probably not... unless the "other people" were allergic
Been in love?: yes, thanks
Done drugs?: no
Gone skinny dipping?: no
Had a medical emergency?: yes
Had surgery?: no
Ran away from home?: no
Played strip poker?: sort of
Gotten beaten up?: no
Beaten someone up?: no
Been picked on?: only all my life
Been on stage?: yes, but just at local school and church functions and stuff
Slept outdoors?: under tents, yes... but technically not much sleeping was done, no
Thought about suicide?: yes, but unfortunately I don't really believe in it so it'll never go anywhere
Pulled an all nighter?: not intentionally, but yes
If yes, what is your record?: probably just 2 days
Gone one day without food?: not to my recollection, if a piece of candy or something once or twice counts as food
Talked on the phone all night?: no
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?: no
Slept all day?: I only wish
Killed someone?: no
Made out with a stranger?: no
Had sex with a stranger?: no
Thought you're going crazy?: crazy, no...
Kissed the same sex?: yeah, a peck
Done anything sexual with the same sex?: no
Been betrayed?: not in the traditional sense of the term, I guess
Had a dream that came true?: yes... hopefully never again
Broken the law?: I download...
Met a famous person?: if you count BLOOD
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?: yes... I think it was an oppossum
On purpose?: bugs, frequently
Stolen anything?: not that I remember
Been on radio/tv?: yes, both
Been in a mosh-pit?: no
Had a nervous breakdown?: if I have I've done a good job of keeping them safely locked in so no one would notice, including me
Bungee jumped?: almost, but no
Had a dream that kept coming back?: yes... most disturbing was the one when I was younger where I would look down to find one wrist slashed...
--
Beliefs
Believe in life on other planets?: maybe not planets in this galaxy, but considering the universe is infinite and there are probably countless planets out there, it's very possible
Miracles?: sure
Astrology?: not really
Magic?: no
God?: yes
Satan?: yes
Santa?: no
Ghosts?: grey area
Luck: not so much
Love at first sight?: no
Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?: yes
Easter bunny?: no
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever: yes... lucky for me I've been "blessed" with that ability
Believe there's a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?: no, there's just an end of a rainbow... I once saw one end in someone's yard... it was entertaining
Do you wish on stars?: no
--
Deep Theological Questions
Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?: what do you call "traditional"? I believe in both, but maybe not in the way others do...
Do you think God has a gender?: yes... specifially referred to as a He
Where do you think we go when we die?: don't feel like going into that... complicated
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?: I have, but they've left just as eagerly as the straight "friends"
Who is your best friend?: Kitty
Who's the one person that knows most about you?: Kitty
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?: uh... not sure... I'd have to sit and think about it for ages
Your favourite inside joke?: a lot of them... apparently sleep deprivation is blocking my memory at the moment
Thing you're picked on most about?: anything people can find... staying up late and sleeping during the day, translating for free, being quiet, having no life... you know, the only things I have that are worth being proud of
Who's your longest known friend?: Erin
Newest?: oh great, one of those "among your friends, which one is..." series
Shyest?: I hate these... they expect you to have more than 3 friends to choose from...
Funniest?: they all have their moments
Sweetest?: Kitty, Stella...
Closest?: in terms of physical distance?... Erin
Weirdest?: everyone is weird
Smartest?: all of them in some way
Ditziest?: *shrug*
Friends you miss being close to the most?: I guess Jessica, if I'm reading this question right...
Last person you talked to online?: Kitty
Who do you talk to most online?: Kitty
Who are you on the phone with most?: I don't really use the phone
Who listens to your problems?: I keep most of them to myself (believe it or not)... but Kitty
Who do you fight most with?: none of them
Who's the nicest?: these are starting to sound repetitive...
Who's the most outgoing?: Roger
Who's the best singer?: I haven't heard many of them sing
Who's on your hit-list?: no one
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?: no comment
Who's your second family?: I don't even feel like part of my "first" family most of the time...
Do you always feel understood?: rarely, but then I don't really bother to help people understand me either
Who's the loudest friend?: Willard
Who's house were you last at?: Kitty's
Name one person who's arms you truly feel safe in: ...nah
Do your friends really know you?: some know enough
Friend that lives farthest away: probably Stella
--
Love and All That
Do you consider love a mistake?: not in general, but for me personally it usually is
What do you find romantic?: I try not to think about it
Turn-on?: ...
Turn-off?: *shrug*
First kiss?: please don't remind me, I already feel sick today
If someone you had no interest in had interest in dating you, how would you feel?: flattered but guilty
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them?: I could not even attempt anything serious with anyone I didn't know I could trust with my heart... which is probably why I have been and will be alone all my life, but oh well... better than setting myself up for disappointment again
Have you ever wished it was more socially acceptable for a girl to ask a guy out?: I really don't care
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive?: if I grow attracted to someone they become the most beautiful person in the world to me... so can't really say
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?: I have a vagina... that automatically makes me a male magnet
What is best about the opposite sex?: I never could give a straight answer to that question
What is best about the same sex?: they can understand and sympathize with certain things, I guess...
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?: they're only after one thing and they'll pull whatever stupid stunt they have to if they think they'll get it in reward
What is the worst thing about the same sex?: they say all they want is a good personality and a sense of humor, then they attach themselves to the first hot jackass that gives them the right look
What's the last present someone gave you?: $100 in a card
Do you consider your significant other hot?: my what?
--
Who Was the Last Person...
That haunted you?: *shrug*
That you laughed at?: some dolt on TV
That laughed at you?: the world hasn't stopped laughing at me in years
That turned you on?: ...
You went shopping with?: probably Kitty
That broke your heart?: I've said it before, I'll say it again... I don't bother to keep a list
To disappoint you?: a certain cousin...
To ask you out: ...did we forget who we're talking to here?
To make you cry?: me
That you thought about?: same as I'm always thinking about
You talked to on the phone?: some guy looking for dad
You talked to through IM/ICQ?: Kitty
You saw?: mom
You lost?: good question
--
Right This Moment...
Are you going out?: if you're talking in terms of the way a light or a flame goes out, then yeah, I'd say so
Will it be with your significant other?: ...
Or some random person?: moving right along
What are you wearing right now?: dark bootcut jeans and a plain grey baby tee... I actually had to go somewhere today that warranted something besides pajamas
Body part you're touching right now: my chin is resting on one hand because my head hurts too much to hold itself up
What are you worried about right now?: "worry" isn't the word for what I do... more like "obsess"
What book are you reading?: nothing
What's on your mousepad?: tiger stripes
Are you bored?: sort of
Are you tired?: yes
Are you talking to anyone online?: Kitty, in between movie scenes
Are you talking to anyone on the phone?: no
Are you lonely or content?: I'll let the reader figure that out
Are you listening to music?: no
Are you eating anything?: no
comment! (1)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 7/05/2006 11:26:00 PM
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wSunday, July 02, 2006 |
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feeling: tired of being me
listening to: Animal Planet
Ok, just for the sake of posting something, here's a survey. Sorry it's boring, but hey. That's me for ya.
1. First thing you did this morning?: debated whether to go back to sleep and subject myself to the dreams again or just get up and subject myself to life again
2. Last thing you ate?: this blueberry cheesecake ice cream cake thing dad made
3. Is your cell phone a piece of crap?: no, actually I sort of like it... just wish it had ringtones
4. What's something you look forward to most in the next 6 weeks?: ummm... I have no idea...
5. What's annoying you right now?: nagging doubts and fears and a need for reassurance and forgiveness that I don't normally have
6. What's the last movie you saw?: part of Lilo & Stitch
7. Do you believe in long distance relationships?: not for me
8. Is there a person who is on your mind right now?: yes
9. Where is the last place you went?: pastor's family's house for dinner
10. Who is the last person you called?: mom
11. Been cheated on?: no, have to be taken for that
12. Do you smile often?: do I smile at all?
13. Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?: I doubt it
14. Choose one to have (love, beauty, creativity): gonna have to say creativity... call me realistic
15. Do you wish on stars?: no
16. Does it work?: can't imagine it would
17. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off?: no, too lazy to spend those extra two seconds tugging at laces
18. Would you kill someone?: doubt it, sadly
19. When did you last cry?: been a few days now... unless you count that one day when... never mind
20. Do you like your handwriting?: sort of, except my touch is too light so half the time it's too pale to read
21. Are you a friendly person?: not to my knowledge
22. Are you keeping a secret from the world?: not really, since I'll answer pretty much any question if someone just takes the time to ask
23. Whose bed did you sleep in last night?: mine
24. What color shirt are you wearing?: grey
25. Do you have any pets?: cat, 3 bettas
26. What is the color of your bed sheets?: light blue
27. What were you doing at 9 last night?: sitting here staring at some website or the TV screen, probably
28. I can't wait till...: ...I have enough money for a new car? no, that would require getting a job... hmm... oh well, pass
29. When is the last time you saw your dad?: a few hours ago
30. Look to your left. ...it's Strife's tank?
31. Do you own a picture phone?: yes... go yuppie me
32. Ever cried yourself to sleep?: technically no, only to exhaustion
33. Ever cried on your friends shoulder?: once, just over 6 years ago
34. Song that makes you cry?: Under The Sky by Heart
35. Are you a normally happy person?: no, I'm normally emotionless... believe it or not
36. Is your self-esteem low?: record-breakingly
37. What color are your eyes?: some mudded-up mix of blue and green and grey
38. Long or Short Hair?: as in what my own looks like? closer to long, I guess
39. Current Music?: some stupid commercial jingle
comment! (1)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 7/02/2006 12:45:00 AM
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wMonday, June 26, 2006 |
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feeling: ulcerated
listening to: Josie and Caroline's "beached whale" duet
[edited a bit, hopefully things will make more sense now]
I guess it's safe to say I'll be posting here again. Can't predict how much to start with, but I guess I've had my fun. So to speak. Don't try to make sense of that, cause I'm not bothering to...
Still having the same issues mentioned last time. Namely every time I think I'm doing fine something else comes along and I break down again. At least I can take this as proof that it's not just my own stubbornness keeping me either depressed or ticked off at the world most of the time (yeah, sometimes even I need proof of that for myself). Similarly, no matter how I fight the urge to just not bother getting out of bed every day, and how much I actually try to keep life steady or even favorable, it never seems to work. Might not seem like I'm trying too hard, but compared to the temptation I constantly have to just lie motionless under the covers in the dark all day, I really am. Tables have finally turned, I guess - now I'm the one doing the trying while the world just watches with an amused smirk until something more amusing comes along. My turn to see how everyone who ever called me a friend before must have felt when I got all complacent and didn't do anything to keep them around but expected them to maintain the friendship. All the ones who ended up leaving as a result of it, I mean. I gotta learn to explain things better. This probably still doesn't make sense anywhere but in my head...
Anyway, in better news... started watching a new anime (to me), Flame of Recca, this past weekend with Kitty. Pretty entertaining so far. Reminds me ever so slightly of YuYu Hakusho, somehow. Probably just because it's an action anime with similar-ish amounts and styles of fighting and humor. A lot of similar story elements too, as it turned out. Like the whole thing with the group fighting their way to the top of a four-level tower/building fighting a different enemy on each new level, the main character going off to train before taking on the enemy, the big tournament that the group has to enter to reach and defeat said enemy... and most amusingly, the wall trap thing where the whole group gets trapped under an automated wall that's about to crush them. That part was amusing in YuYu because apparently the trap was set to only let one member of the group survive and the rest had to be crushed... and just as they were arguing over who should be the one to escape and live, the episode ended. Then the trailer for the next episode comes on and you hear Yuusuke's voice saying, I sort-of quote: "Well, somehow, someway, we all make it out alive..." >> Gotta love action anime. You know the good guys are going to live... you just don't know how.
I miss YuYu Hakusho... it was amusing...
Anyway, that's pretty much all I can think of for now.
comment! (4)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 6/26/2006 08:30:00 PM
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wSunday, June 04, 2006 |
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feeling: worthless
listening to: nothing
Prepare for a rant. Nothing to take personally, I just need to kick myself for a while.
Why is it that every single time I'm ready to suck it in and become a decent friend and functional member of society again, SOMEthing always happens to kick me back to the ground? This week was going to be it. Again. I was ready, I was determined, I was healing. Then suddenly I just wanted to be nonexistent again.
I'm tired of being like this. Contrary to popular belief, I do NOT like being depressed. I have fought and fought, over and over, but every single time I try something different comes along and I screw it all up again. And every time it happens I come out of it hating myself more. I'm not blaming anyone, by the way; just getting around to explaining why this is all my own fault. Roundabout, yes, but I will get there.
I don't get this way because I want or need something I'm not getting. I have my desires, yes, but they're not top priority to me. They never were. The reason I get this way is because I want to be needed. If something is making my friends feel happy, or upset, or anything... and if they want to talk about it, I want to hear about it. And when people I love feel like they have to tiptoe around me and can't talk to me about anything, that tells me I'm failing as a friend. Which I suppose is true anyway, but still, more often than not a listening ear is all I have to offer. If I can't give that, what worth do I have? That's all it is. It's really not because I feel possessive or jealous. It's only because I want to be worth something.
Over the past few days I let a bunch of little things get to me more than they should have. Not even anything big or relating to anyone else, but just annoyances in my own daily routine. In any other circumstance I would have gotten over them and moved on in just a couple days, but instead more important issues just coincidentally resurfaced at the same time, and while I was still annoyed and closed myself off from the world it gave the impression that those bigger issues were bothering me. When in reality I was just still too frustrated with the little mundane things to keep my priorities straight, and thus begins this vicious cycle where my failure to open up leads people to think they can't open up to me, which makes me feel even more worthless and on and on and on.
So the result of all this is me feeling like nothing more than an obligation. Hiding from the world again because I don't want anyone worrying about me or feeling guilty on my behalf. I appreciate more than anything that I'm allowed to stay around because my friends know I need them, but I don't want to be just an obligation. I want to offer something in return. If I can't even do that, then isn't the world really better off without me?
None of this is anything new, by the way. It's the same cycle I go through with everyone I ever grow close to and call a friend. Just resurfacing again because today was another one of those days where I felt like I wasn't doing the world any good and wanted to just cease to exist for a while. Probably because it's Sunday and I'm sleep deprived. But in between typing these last two paragraphs I managed to talk some of it out with one of the loved ones I knew it was affecting, so now as soon as I've had time to pick myself up again I can try yet again to move on and get better. Who knows, maybe after a few dozen more repetitions it'll finally start to work.
It might help if I'd stop getting songs stuck in my head that only serve to perpetuate loneliness.
comment! (1)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 6/04/2006 10:27:00 PM
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wThursday, May 18, 2006 |
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feeling: dead
listening to: HIM - Dark Light
I doubt anyone bothers with this anymore. I wouldn't either, except that Livejournal is irritating me right now. So I'm not declaring the hiatus on this blog lifted. Try not to be too disappointed. That was a joke. You can laugh.
To the point, I've been feeling incredibly insecure lately. Doubting things in my life that I used to be so certain of, taking every single word and interaction way too personally, getting depressed and crying at the drop of a hat... all that fun stuff. So what do I do about it? I go to all possible lengths to conceal any emotions I have left. Good and bad and everything in between, because most of what I feel at times like this is nothing good anyway so I'd rather not become one of those people who never says anything unless it's to complain. I'd rather just keep quiet. Which alienates me even further from everything and everyone. And then I'm stupid enough to expect everything and everyone else to just carry on like nothing ever changed, love on me and coddle me even though I don't respond because God forbid I show any emotion, and treat me like they always did before I gave up on life, even though I give them no reason to. I'm not worth their effort and I know it, but I expect it anyway, and when I get it I'm still never satisfied. To think I once wondered why all but 2 or 3 of the friends I've ever had gave up on me and left, huh? Ask Willard, he knows all about it.
It's not that it doesn't help when people are kind to me and act like nothing is any different in my darker moments. It's not that I think they're making light of how much I hurt, or that I don't appreciate their efforts. It's just that after so many repeats of the same old thing, one is ready to give up hope for any future one could've had. I don't find it so easy to open my heart again, even to people I know full well I can trust. I'm not strong enough.
Oh well, whatever. No one wants to hear me whine about this anymore. But maybe now that I've gotten this much out of my system I can shut up again for a couple weeks. And I don't ask for any kind of reaction to this, in case anyone has actually read it. Don't mind me. I'm probably just PMSing or something.
Shivers run through the spine of hope as she cries
The poison tears of a life denied
In the raven black night, holding hands with
Dark light
Come shine in her lost heart tonight
And blind all fears that haunt her with your smile
Dark light
In oblivion's garden, her body's on fire
Writhing toward the angel defiled
To learn how to die in peace with her god
Dark light
Come shine in her lost heart tonight
And blind all fears that haunt her with your smile
Dark light
Dark light
Come shine in her lost heart tonight
And blind all fears that haunt her with your smile
Dark light
Come shine in her lost heart tonight
And blind all fears that haunt her with your smile
Dark light
comment! (1)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 5/18/2006 05:10:00 AM
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wFriday, April 07, 2006 |
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In case it wasn't apparent by the weeks-long absence of posts, this blog is on hiatus. I don't know for how long. Maybe a year, maybe a week, maybe a lifetime. I just have nothing to say anymore, nor anything worthwhile to offer the world. Not that I was ever naive enough to think I did, but whatever.
If I ever decide to resume posting here... well, then I will. You'll know. Or not... reader's choice, really. I guess we'll see. But for now, at least, I've nothing more to say.
So, until whenever.
~I play dead to hide my heart till the world gone dark fades away~
comment! (2)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 4/07/2006 04:59:00 AM
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wThursday, March 16, 2006 |
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feeling: tired... concerned...
listening to: Phil Collins - No Way Out
Heh. Adion, that was probably the highest praise anything I've written has ever received. Thanks.
Now, just to push the other day's drivel out of the way, here's a survey.
1. How tall are you barefoot?
5'4" or so... been too many years since I was measured
2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
no
3. Do you own a gun?
no
5. Do you get nervous before "meeting the parents?"
the issue has never come up
6. What do you think of hot dogs?
fine with me, in moderation
7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
Mary Did You Know, O Holy Night, and Carol of the Bells (Trans-Siberian Orchestra version)
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
juice, non-citrus
9. Do you do push-ups?
no
10. Have you ever done ecstacy?
no
11. Are you vegan?
no
12. Do you like painkillers?
when I'm in pain
13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
nothing
14. Do you own a knife?
only Exacto knives
15. Do you have A.D.D.?
not to my knowledge
16. Middle Name?
Michelle
17. Top 3 thoughts at this exact moment
not gonna talk about that
18. Name the last 3 things you have bought.
[censored because it's not for me], Xena season 5, and Disney's Brother Bear (yeah, shut up)
19. Name five drinks you regularly drink
non-citrus juice, Koolaid, water... and that's about all I "regularly" drink...
20. What time did you wake up today?
about 1 pm
21. what did you wear today?
same thing I slept in, until my parents dragged me out to dinner... then my navy-trimmed grey fleece shirt and dark blue bootcut jeans
22. Current worry?
...
23. Current hate?
my nose... it hurts and keeps bleeding
24. Favorite places to be?
*shrug* I don't go many places
25. Least favorite place to be?
among the living
26. Where would you like to go?
Japan
27. Do you own slippers?
yes, 4 or 5 novelty pairs
28. Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
exactly where I am now, except if I'm lucky I'll have some kind of income
29. Do you burn or tan?
burn
30. Last thing you ate?
Golden Corral... specifically a yeast roll with honey butter
31. Would you be a pirate?
no
32. Last time you ate peanut butter & jelly?
several months ago...
33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't
34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
weird as it sounds... trains... because when I was 3 or 4 I had a nightmare that a train drove over our house just as one was actually going by on the railroad tracks we lived next to
35. What's in your pockets right now?
nothing
36. Last thing that made you laugh?
something on the last Xena episode I watched, which was Kindred Spirits
37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
I didn't really have special sheets
38. Worst injury you've ever had?
broken nose, lip gashed almost all the way through to my teeth, corner of nose gashed almost all the way through to my gums, and split tongue... all from the same bike wreck
40. How many TVs do you have in your house?
2
41. Who is your loudest friend?
I don't think any of them are that loud
42. What is your best quality?
can't think of anything
43. Does someone have a crush on you?
I would hope no one is THAT desperate
44. Do you wish on stars?
no
45. What is your favorite book?
I don't read as many books as I'd like
46. What is your favorite candy?
pretty much anything chocolate
47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
I don't intend to get married
48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
prefer not to think about it
49. What were you doing 12AM last night?
*snort* somehow I read that as IZAM for a minute... anyway, midnight... probably just moping and being useless
50. Do you love the pain a tattoo brings?
I don't care for any kind of pain
comment! (2)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 3/16/2006 10:17:00 PM
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wSaturday, March 11, 2006 |
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feeling: ...
listening to: nothing
I just wanted to apologize to those who have been and are being forced to endure this latest bout with depression that has rendered me utterly useless. I am very slowly improving after, what, 3 or 4 days of the worst of it... but if it hasn't gone away by now, it might take a little longer than I figured. Which means, as if I haven't been tucked up into a worthless, tearstained little ball long enough, I can't predict how long it will be before I'm of any use to the world again. I've been hiding from the real and online worlds so I can wallow in my own solitude, and the few who have encountered me online couldn't have gotten anything worthwhile out of me, because when I get like this I am a silent, oblivious husk. I consider myself dead. And if it keeps up for too long I won't be of any use at all anymore.
Honestly, I have gotten nothing accomplished for myself or anyone else since this set in. More than one day this past week I made an honest effort to just not even get out of bed. I haven't completed any of the tasks that I've promised others I would do. And when at any point a friend or acquaintance has needed me, I've been completely unresponsive... not just vocally, but unable to even reach out and offer my love and support because I'm too wrapped up in my own stupid problems. Call it my selfish side rearing its ugly head again.
I'm not saying all this to whine or cry for attention or anything, by the way. Like I said, it seems the worst may be over. My only point here is to apologize for being a lousy excuse for a friend and human being lately. Not just for the past few days, but for however much longer this is going to last. All things considered, I might never really be back to normal. Whatever normal is. If I ever make it that far it'll be because of my kitty... so thank you, kitty. For being there and for trying, even if this stupid thing doesn't go away.
I know, I'm being unusually emo with all the "it'll never get better, life will always suck, I'll never be happy again, wah wah" crap. This isn't normal for me, honest. I guess I just had an overdose of reality this time to make it seem like this will never go away.
...And didn't I say my point here was NOT to whine? >>
Anyway, like I said, I apologize. For now and for what may be the future. At this point I honestly don't know.
comment! (0)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 3/11/2006 04:09:00 AM
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wTuesday, February 28, 2006 |
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feeling: lazy
listening to: Michael Jackson - Don't Stop Til You Get Enough is in my head
By the way, I don't think I ever mentioned it here (LJ yes, here no), but my latest bettas have been dubbed Magnus and Strife. Probably not the best I could've come up with, but they wouldn't get out of my head, so I figured I should stick with them. Oh well... they fit.
Anyway, I need to procrastinate, so here are a couple more surveys taken from Myspace.
Q: WHATS YOUR MAIN RINGTONE ON YOUR PHONE?
A: One of the stupid preprogrammed ones because I haven't gotten around to shelling out the 2 bucks for a better one yet
Q: WHAT WERE YOU D0ING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT?
A: Watching AMVs with Kitty, I think... or some sort of video anyway
Q: WHAT DID THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE ON YOUR CELL PHONE SAY?
A: *checks*... MEdia Net wireless internet service has changed. Now get news, weather and sports in 1-2 clicks on your phone. Click Go To. Std chrgs apply
Q: WHOS BED DID YOU SLEEP IN LAST NIGHT?
A: Guest bed at Kitty's... a.k.a. my other bed >>
Q: WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
A: Light blue and dark grey
Q: MOST RECENT MOVIE THAT YOU WATCHED?
A: Uh... was it American Vampire? I think everything after that was just random shows and such
Q: NAME 3 THINGS THAT YOU HAVE ON YOU AT ALL TIMES?
A: Skin, hair, and clothes?
Q: WHAT'S THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEETS?
A: Light blue
Q: HOW MUCH CASH DO YOU HAVE ON YOU RIGHT NOW?
A: Not sure... $50ish?
Q: What is your favorite part of the chicken?
A: Wings and legs
Q: What's your favorite town/city?
A: *shrug*
Q: I can't wait to (til)...?
A: see my kitty again
Q: When was the last time you saw your mom?
A: Earlier this evening
Q: When was the last time you saw your dad?
A: Friday evening >> I just got home this afternoon, then he got home a bit later and shortly left again, and just recently came back... I've heard him, but haven't seen him... but normally I do on a daily basis
Q: When was the last time you talked to them?
A: Mom earlier this evening, Dad... probably Friday again
Q: Who got you to join myspace?
A: ...oh yeah, there was a Myspace-specific question in this one >> oh well... Kitty
Q: What did you have for dinner LAST NIGHT?
A: Meatloaf and vegetables... then cream of mushroom soup... then hot dogs... take your pick >>
Q: How long have you been at your current job?
A: What job? If the translating racket counts, just short of 2 years
Q: Is Tom on your friends list?
A: Another Myspace one... oops... anyway, no
Q: Look to your left. What's there?
A: Most immediately, Phoenix's tank
Q: Who is the last person you spent over $50 on?
A: I haven't a clue... probably myself... or maybe even my kitty on the Mexico trip last year :P
Q: What’s the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone?
A: I don't think I've ever borrowed clothes... except like, from my mom or brother... and even then I haven't since I was a kid
Q: What website(s) do you visit the most during the day?
A: Yahoo mail, LJ, Subeta, Neopets, and just whatever
Q: Do you have an air freshener in your car?
A: no
Q: Do you have plants in your room?
A: no, except the dying on in Phee's tank
Q: Does anything hurt on your body right now?
A: nah
Q: What city was your last taxi cab ride in?
A: Mexico City
Q: What's your favorite Starbucks drink?
A: Never had Starbucks coffee
Q: Recent time you were really upset?
A: Recent?... a couple weeks ago? not sure
Q: If you could choose, how would you pass on?
A: Quietly, surrounded by loved ones
Q: Any kids?
A: God, no
Q: Any lovers?
A: no
Q: Do you miss anyone?
A: yes
Q: Do you like revenge?
A: Why not? >> Actually, I try to avoid it... I don't like vicious cycles
Q: Know how to swim?
A: Yeah
Q: Do you know how to ice skate?
A: No, but I can do inlines, so I could probably figure it out
Q: Know how to snowboard?
A: no
Q: Did you do sports in high school?
A: Track for 2 years, and tried out for volleyball but I sucked horribly
Q: A crush?
A: no
SAD SECTION.
Ever really cried your heart out?: Probably not... I don't cry often, and when I do it's just a bit of a weep
Ever cried yourself to sleep?: No, I think I've always stopped crying first
Ever cried on your friend's shoulder?: Once
Ever cried over the opposite sex?: Somewhat bizarrely, no
Do you cry when you get an injury?: no
Do certain songs make you cry?: Only if they're tremendously depressing and I'm already tremendously depressed
HAPPY SECTION.
Are you a happy person?: Not if you ask me
Do you wish you were happier? I suppose... doesn't everyone?
Can music make you happy? Briefly, sure
LOVE SECTION.
How many times have you had your heart broken?: A few... don't like to count
Have you ever loved someone so much that you'd die for them?: Honestly, if I love someone that much it usually means they love me back, and I wouldn't want to hurt anyone I love by making them lose me... so I suppose the sentiment is there, but most likely not the execution (so to speak)
HATE SECTION.
Who do you actually hate?: I shouldn't have to give names to anyone reading this...
Ever made a hit list?: no
Have you ever been on a hit list: Only on Crimson Moon >>
Are you a mean bully?: no
Do you hate George Bush?: pretty much
SELF ESTEEM SECTION.
Is your self-esteem extremely low?: I would say so
Do you believe in yourself?: Usually not
Are you good looking?: *snort* hardly
Do you wish you can be someone else?: Sometimes
What is your current hair color?: Brown
Whats your natural color?: Brown
what is your eye color?: Blue
Current Piercings?: Ears
Straight Hair or Curly?: Straight
CURRENTLY WEARING.
What shirt are you wearing?: Light blue and dark grey Aeropostale long-sleeved tee
Shorts/pants?: Jeans
Shoes?: How about socks?... plain white
Necklaces: nope
THE LAST
person you talked to in person?: Mom
person you talked to online?: Kitty, probably
person you talked to on the phone?: Dad
drink?: orange Koolaid
last time you had a shower?: Yesterday
Do you like surveys: I don't know why, but I do
What kind of shampoo do you use?: Pantene
Do you get along with your parents?: Sure
Do you have mental breakdowns?: No, I just get depressed and confused now and then
Do you ever tell your parents you didn't feel good so you didn't have to go to school?: no
CURRENT:
Current Mood: Lazy
Current Music: Nothing playing... only what's stuck in my head
Current hair: Smashed up from being slept on
Current annoyance: I can't figure out whether I'm hungry or not
Current Longing: ...no tell
And now I need to get the fish fattened up and get around to translating or something...
comment! (1)
dragged from Becky's stream of consciousness at 2/28/2006 09:08:00 PM
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